Suburban Bliss:: Birth Control Via The Written Word

Portland Mighty Finds

First, let me set your mind at ease. Gary the cat came back. Of course the neighbors didn't try to eat him, but don't think that means they won't at some point.

Back in February, I went to Portland with Maggie and then all the ladies came at the end and it was very fun. The only problem is we bought all this stuff and then I left it in Maggie's apartment for her to deal with. Which was understandable, I only had two bags to get home with, but still not very fun for them.

We bought a lot of stuff.

We also learned that Portland likes a)pottery and b)green things

I finally got around to listing all our fabulous finds over at our Etsy shop. You should go, take a look and see if you can't find something wonderful for your house.

I bet you can.

Here's a slide show, it makes me miss the Ace Hotel room where we took all the pictures after shopping for hours.

I think the Bad Neighbor is serving my cat for dinner.

Life is awfully slow in the interesting ways around here.

Here's a quick story. There's one neighbor here that nearly everyone hates. Which is refreshing because in our old neighborhood I was the one neighbor everyone hated. When I try to explain why everyone has feelings for this person that range from "FUCK YOU, YOU HORRIBLE WOMAN!!!!"*** on to "Enh, I wish she'd move."

Every time I try to explain this, I fall into a blood pressure raising discussion that spans over 10 years of stories and interactions with this person. She is....awful is too nice a term to use when referring to her. I mean Liver and Onions is, in my opinion, awful. She's more like Head Cheese. Head Cheese is repugnant. It defies explanation. It's something you wish you didn't know existed.

***Clearly I fall into this category.

We've started letting Gary The Cat outside in the new house since we've lived here for nine months now. Not sure why that makes a difference but in my mind he's more committed. Tonight, we let him out and I haven't seen him since. Usually he hangs out by the door and runs inside the minute I open it. Also, coincidentally (or not) I noticed the husband of the neighbor I like to think of as Head Cheese out rolling around a heavy wheelbarrow.

Now if Gary comes back tonight I'll probably think this was a stupid thing to think. But I think Husband of Head Cheese had Gary, knocked unconscious,  in his wheelbarrow and they're currently burying him in their trash cans for the Friday pick up.

I'll keep you posted.

In less bad energy inducing news, I wrote about Mother's Day Giveaways at The Buzz Off. You could win stuff and telling you about it lessens my chances of winning so maybe I just earned back my karma.

Probably not.

Also Maggie closed out the Mother's Day Gift guide at Mighty Goods and Mighty Junior. We combined our efforts (meaning I contributed three gifts to the guide and Maggie did the other stuff). Considering that my siblings and I are buying my mother a privacy fence for her back yard (as a Mother's Day + 60th birthday gift) this makes a lot of sense. For Christmas we bought her a new stove.

We're very thoughtful as a family. Actually the members of our family who do not share DNA with us are thoughtful. Actually, everyone in our family who is not me is very thoughtful. I did give you that Giveaway link and that gives you access to my new favorite source for dresses. So I am thoughtful....in a way. Too bad my brother can't exactly use that link.

I love the 80's.

This is what I did this weekend. My friends went to prom and I tagged along.

It was my friend's 35th birthday celebration and in spite of myself, and my week long round of whining about having to find something to wear which would remind me of probably the most painful and miserable decade of my life, I had a really good time.

I didn't look like this in the 80's though. In fact, I never actually went to prom. I looked more like this.

I hated it even then, note how I'm flipping off the camera. Still, if I thought I hated the 80's, check out my sister's look. Holy Shit.

In other news Pam from Union Station contacted me and I put her in touch with the people I needed to. Thank you for your emails!

Help!

Remember that time I went to New York City and chased my husband through the streets while he ran a marathon? Remember how I sat in a bar for two hours waiting for my husband to show up after the race, pondering how I was going to tell my children their father went to New York City to run a marathon and apparently just kept on running away from us.

That was a really fun time. Remember that?

I bring it up, not for the usual reason (I enjoy beating the shit out of dead horses). I bring it up because that night after the marathon we had plans to go to Union Hall in Brooklyn for drinks after the race because the very nice lady who owns it, invited us to come? (But then we couldn't because we ended up in The Meadowlands watching a Lifetime movie....good times. Good times.)

I'm bringing this up because I have lost the email address (and the name) of that nice person and I'm wondering if she still reads this website and can shoot me an email. I need to get her in touch with a friend.

It's all about the odds.

Lost, driving through Rutgers campus a few weeks ago before I fell deathly ill and tried to die in Alice's guest bedroom.

Susan: "Weren't a group of students from Rutgers on the Lockerbie plane?"

Me: "I'm dying."

Chris: "Hmm...I don't know. Actually I went to Africa in college and one of the girls on the plane had a sister who died on that flight. Her parents were terrified for her."

Susan: "Oh God, that would be so scary."

Me: "I'm dying."

Chris: "Sure, but I was really soothed by it, I wanted to sit right next to her. Because really what are the chances one family would lose two daughters in international plane wrecks? There was no way our plane was going down with her on board."

Susan: "It's true. I mean kind of sad, but true. Their loss, your gain."

Me: "I'm dying."

If only you could pick your family.

We went to a funeral for a friend's grandfather this morning.

Logan gets antsy about funerals. Barring a tragic death of any sort, I generally like funerals. I love hearing stories about older people who have passed away. I love seeing the pictures of them growing up. I love seeing how their lives have touched so many people. To me, though it's sad to say good bye to those we love, a funeral is an oddly satisfying way to celebrate a life.

My friend's mother stood up to speak about her father and said something that really touched Logan and I.

"I feel fortunate to have had him as my dad."

And with that my tears started (the other reason I like funerals: excuse to cry.)

I know a lot of people who would say the same thing about their own fathers. Unfortunately, I know a lot of people who can't.

I've been so busy. So busy dying.

So after the three week long illness I couldn't stop talking about, you know, the one that stripped me of my will to live and left me with blood pouring from my eyes? I started to feel a little better by last week but then? My throat began to feel as if a smallish (though is there really such a thing as a "small" rock when we're talking about our throats?) rock was lodged in the back of it. I tried to ignore it and will myself to be healthy because this is starting to feel karmic. But finally Saturday morning I went to the doctor and SURPRISE! I have tonsillitis.

And the the Black Plague.

But don't worry I'm on another round of antibiotics*.

*Come back next week when you get to hear all about the raging yeast infection I've developed from a month on antibiotics. My body is a wonderland.**

**I won't really tell you about my yeast infection. I'd rather call each of you individually on the telephone to schedule a Festival Of Hugs Marathon than write about that not so fresh feeling.

Still I've managed to persevere and come up with five great Mother's Day crafts your kids could make you if your parenting partner gets wind of what you want.

I also managed to close out the Heirloom Gift Guide at Mighty Junior and the first person who tells me how expensive everything is gets a big sloppy wet kiss directly from my infection-laden mouth to yours.

Funny story. I was looking for a classic baby carriage for the guide because, though not practical, it is such a sweet item (and you can use it in your apartment as a cradle if you'd like). I found this one and thought, 'Gee, that's awfully expensive.' (Which is against the rules of shopping for cool things, btw.) Then went in search of a less expensive model and found this one. And gee, it's funny how suddenly the first option seems downright affordable by comparison.

In fact, I've lived through all of them.

We visited Max's school last week and browsed through his first grade writing journal.

The question was: "Have you ever had a tantrum?"

His answer: "Yes, I have had tantrums. In fact, I have had many."