Suburban Bliss:: Birth Control Via The Written Word

The hardest parts.

I was trying to keep on the positive arc I was on since January but I'm stumbling.

A short list of some of the most heart wrenching moments in this process:

• Hearing about my son celebrating his birthday with my ex and another family we used to spend a significant amount of time with as a family.
• Sitting alone at a school talent show waiting to watch my son perform. My children were sitting with their father and his family.
• Watching my ex and my children live the life I used to have without me.   

A year before my marriage exploded, the marriage of another couple, aquaintances of ours, also fell apart. The wife had not just been hospitalized with a severe depressive episode, she hadn't just started a new job the first in her adult life...and she certainly wasn't as loud as I was when my life spiraled out of orbit. Her husband left however, the same way mine did. He was was always involved with his kids, just like mine was, he did not abandon them. Though for a few months he lived further away than he would have preferred.

Last summer I listened to a friend's husband, the same couple who now spend birthdays with my son, rail against this man for "abandoning" his family.  

And I remember when all this happened asking, begging this same man to encourage my ex not to leave. Not to give up on the good parts of our marriage. To keep our family intact.

The open anger my obviously desperate request received...still perplexes me. He would do no such thing! He would be a friend to my ex! How dare I ask that of him.

I asked that of him because I thought he was my friend, that he was my ex's friend and that he loved my family and supported all of us. 

And in the days and weeks following the decision I was not invited to their home. But I got to sit at home and watch my soon to be ex and my children head to their home for parties and barbeques. I got to read on Twitter about the fabulous cocktails my soon to be ex was mixing for them. I had to pick my son up from a party at their home that I wasn't invited to but my ex and kids were.

I see pictures in my daughter's Facebook feed of them all living my former life...as if I never existed or mattered. My son spent his birthday with them. My kids see them every weekend and a few times during the weeks their dad has them. 

I'm trying to ignore this pain. I'm going to classes and joining 'clubs' and saying YES whenever there's an opportunity in front of me. An opportunity to meet new people, to have a new experience, to network....I'm doing all the right things one does when their life is taken out from under them.

I'm trying to wear the mask of my new clothes and my newfound self confidence. I'm reminding myself that these aren't people I would want in my life considering this frankly, hideous, lack of empathy or support from the friends I had held close before this happened.

I'm successful with this almost all the time. 

This afternoon Max and I went to his school's Mom & Son event, ziplining (awesome!), and I asked him what they'd be doing for dinner that night. And they were, of course, heading back to spend time with that family to eat dinner together. 

I hid my sadness. I told myself it's fine, this is how it's working. This is my new life. They get the old life and I don't get the old life. 

When I'm alone and my family is living my former life and my current life isn't growing as fast as I'd like, you know, because I'm starting from less than zero. I feel destroyed. Truly destroyed. 

I'm still plugging away and trying to stay positive and open to the new life that continues to unfold in front of me. But I still can not believe people are capable of such callousness. That people can look so attractive and happy but so lacking in any sense of empathy or kindness. 

I will probably always be surprised by this sort of behavior for the rest of my life. And I will also probably always be destroyed on some level. 

This sucks. 

The things I've learned:

I'm sorry I haven't written in a while. I thought I was feeling a little depleted and would rebound but it appears I'm in another level of grief and I'm not bouncing out of it as fast as I'd like. 

My divorce was final a week ago today. It wasn't really that hard, though I'll admit to sobbing quite a bit the night before and putting salt in the wound by driving by the place we were married on my way to the courthouse.

These are the things I've learned, about myself and life in general, in the last 4 months.  

Loyalty is extremely important to me.

I feel so strongly that I want someone on my 'team', someone who understands me and puts me ahead of all others. I've realized many of my problems with friends have stemmed from this feeling that friends are not loyal. Friends who gossip about other friends and are then nice to their faces...it's always left a bad taste in my mouth. I believe how someone treats other people is how they will eventually treat you. 

And, as it turns out, a lot of the people I considered my true friends have been unable (for a variety of reasons) to stand by me, to be loyal. It's kind of disappointing but also eye opening. 

I also think there's quite a lot of me that is so afraid of being betrayed I become hyper-aware of the possibility and shut down relationships before I can be hurt. On the other hand, sometimes I haven't demanded loyalty from those I hold closest because I didn't know I deserved it. 

It's a lot easier to date someone you're lukewarm about. 

This is news to me because I haven't dated a lot. Being reasonably fond of someone but not really 'all in' makes the process of Practice Dating easier. Playing around with the rules of engagement is quite simplified when you're not worried about someone still liking you in the morning. 

The caveat here is that you're not always on the same page with the Practice Datee...and that makes you kind of an asshole. This is something else I've learned.

There's a reason people don't just break it off, smoothly. 

Turns out breaking up with someone isn't easy. I went on a few dates with someone thinking maybe there could be something if I gave it enough time. But honestly I knew it wasn't working and I knew I needed to stop it. But I didn't. Because it feels crappy ending these things and eventually I told this person I wasn't really interested...via text message. This is a crappy thing to do. I take full responsibility for how crappy it was.

Leaving someone without a Plan B is scary as fuck.

I remember in the not so distant past, wondering out loud why on earth people didn't just end their marriages before pursuing someone new. It seemed so obvious to me, you end A to begin B. Now I realize why people leave for other relationships.  

Turns out being alone is scary. Being by yourself isn't scary. The scary part is where you have to take a long hard look at yourself, your faults, your weaknesses, your part in the mess of the divorce. You have to face the real possibility that you will be alone forever. Doing this is the opposite of anything that feels even marginally good.  

I really like myself and wonder if I'm just being ridiculous.

I am really funny. I am so quick witted. I look really hot in a pencil skirt. I have faux croc heels that make me feel like the sexiest Business Woman around. A friend at work says that when I wear a certain outfit.

"Hey...it's Business Woman! Doing Business! Business-ing!" When he saw me getting out of my new car he said, "I feel like I'm watching a Lifetime movie featuring a strong woman!" Now, I realize all the women in Lifetime movies die...but still.

I have really disliked myself for a long time so this is a truly wonderful change of pace.

I feel surprised when someone I find appealing doesn't find me appealing in return. Honestly shocked. I know this is so conceited but I think I've lived with deep self loathing long enough to have some elevated sense of my worth without judgment. 

Still I can't help but wonder with each passing day if I'm just fooling myself that I'm attractive, funny, smart and a good catch, that my old self image was actually more accurate. I don't recommend this line of thinking. 

I OBJECT TO THIS LINE OF THINKING.

There are people who think the only reason to have a man in your life is sex.

Friends have told me to "Get a Toy". This is insulting because, seriously? You think I don't know about taking care of "business"? Also? That's all a man is?  

These people generally have a man in their lives and therefore unending sex. Though, they're probably not having sex very much because this is the other irony of sucessfully dating and finding a "Life Partner". Sigh. 

I am stunned at how many people tell me to (in so many words) just masturbate. I describe my desire to have someone on my team. Someone I can call at the last minute and they're more than happy to hang out with me. Someone I text during the day to tell them I miss them. Someone I meet for a quick coffee in the morning before work. Someone who texts in the morning to say "Good Morning Beautiful".

I loved being married (for the most part) and I loved being in love. Friends (who are not divorcing...ironically) used to say they wouldn't get remarried if their husband's were to die. I always thought that was sad. I knew that if my ex* were to die I would get remarried because I loved being married.

I understand I can do all this by myself, I'm doing it by myself. But it was always more fun with someone else. (I am not just talking about masturbation).

My mother has managed to live without a man for the last 25 years.
My mother isn't strong, my mother is scared of being hurt.
I don't want to end up like that.  

Final thing I've learned:

I don't want to live the next 25 years alone. 

 

*I also do not want to refer to my ex this way, but I have to. 

**Comments are still closed, I'm sorry...there's a lot of anger at me on the internet and I'm not willing to take it in at this point. I'm wading in the pool of a new life. I don't want to know anything bad being said about me.