Suburban Bliss:: Birth Control Via The Written Word

My monthly-ish update

I tend to write like a giant matzoh ball. I throw it all up into the soup of my experience and call it "where I am at this moment in time".

But guess what...remember back in September when I wrote about how I thought divorce would kill me, that it would make me unable to function as a whole human. I thought, "Other people survive divorce because they haven't been through the things I've been through."

I thought, "I used up my animalistic survival skills back in 1982. Okay 1987. Okay...I for sure used up my survival skills in 1989"

I thought I would break open and fall apart.

I broke open, my animalistic survival skills did not call it quits, I did not fall apart and I realized a few very important things.  

I realized living with someone who finds you distasteful is, you know, seriously rough on the self esteem. 

I realized that loyalty is admirable but often misguided.

My Ex (see what I did there? No names!) pulled the plug on our marriage and I realize now it was the only way to save either of us.

The expectations of someone else have been lifted off me. The weight of feeling as if I am repeatedly failing the most important person in my life has been lifted off me. 

I weigh the same as I did when I was still married; but I look lighter. And I feel lighter.  

I am more than okay. I am enjoying every day seeing what comes next. I wish I was better at writing here. I am on Instagram and Facebook and that feels good right now. 

I prefer things that feel good right now.  

Taking Love In.

I spent the day with a few friends at the beginning of December. It was Lisa's birthday so she asked a few of us to spend the day doing things she loved. So we went to Russel Street Deli, then to Avalon Bakery and then on to The Masonic for the Detroit Urban Craft Fair. On the way home we dropped off one friend at her beautiful carriage house in Palmer Woods (ah-mazing). After that we stopped at Pinwheel Bakery for macaroons and then went on to The Oakland for a delicious cocktail. 

It was a banner day and if there was any justice in this world that's how I'd spend every weekend. Alas my weekends since haven't been the same. Sigh.

I bring up that day because at breakfast Lisa was so satisfied. She was smiling and so happy she'd created this day she would love surrounded by friends. (Creating the day you'll love is inspiring in and of itself, fyi.)

At our table at Russel Street Lisa put her hand on my back and rubbed it and smiled at me. A simple friendly, loving gesture. "Hey, I'm happy you're here." 

And I felt myself pull up inside myself...imperceptively, but I did. 

I realized how often I've been handed love and how hard it is for me to really accept it. To feel worthy of it. To give it back. 

I silently berated myself for always feeling awkward around people I've known for years. For being the kind of person who silently analyzes a simple touch on the back. 

When the day was over, it kind of stuck with me. That simple act and why I tried to block it out. 

It feels like that's when something inside me flipped on. 

I can't even tell you what happened because it's all terribly cliche...but let's say this. I felt the cruelty I have approached myself with over the last 37 years acutely. I knew without a doubt that's why I can't accept love and have a very hard time giving it back...I've always been afraid to take in that kind of love. 

People have told me this over and over and I kept trying to be nice to me so I could be nice to others. To be complimentary to me, to blow smoke up my own ass if that's what it took. But it never really worked. 

Instead of berating myself for my failings I started thinking about how I've come through the last 6 months of my life.

And you know what? I am really fucking proud of myself. It was a rough year followed by an unbearable summer, culminating in a disaster autumn. And I fumbled my way through, making a lot of less than desireable moves while clawing my way through. 

By December though I had recovered enough to realize that appreciating myself, taking care of myself and taking pride in my accomplishments would move me into something new. Something happier, more loving and kind. Something calmer. 

And it has. 

This year my new years resolutions are related to this shift in my awareness. Here they are:

#1: Give people the benefit of the doubt 90% of the time. Instead of jumping to conclusions I need to learn to ask for answers, even if I don't like the truth. I need to breathe through uncomfortable suspicion and wait to ask for clarification before being angry. 

#2: Perform 52 acts of kindness (this averages to one a week...fyi...get it....52?). I'll document some of them, hopefully. I want to keep "Giving" as my keyword this year. I need to give back what I've received. (So far I've refilled a parking meter, sent an unexpected gift, said thank you to someone I needed to...)

#3: Get no more parking tickets in 2012 than I can count on one hand. (I had a lot of parking tickets last year...which is stupid.)

#4: Always answer my phone when a friend reaches out. I've overcome my hug thing. When Logan announced he was leaving I decided that hugs were welcome. Bring it. The phone is similar...Im learning to embrace talking on the phone. And when a friend needs me, I am strong enough now to reach back.

Uh...okay but don't call me all the time or I'll just get overwhelmed. But, I do love you guys.