Suburban Bliss:: Birth Control Via The Written Word

My year in review...

I'm not sure how pathetic or sad this is, but I do not remember very much of what happened to me in the months before I started this weblog in April '03.

I know for a fact that at least January and February 2003 (and possibly some of March) was spent just recovering from the drama of October, November and December of 2002.

So here is my disjointed Year In Review. You will notice increasing memory as I approach the 'Blogspot' months.

January: All I remember about January was my decision to join Weight Watchers. Some kind friends came with me to my first meeting but there was something so highly disturbing and unsettling about a room full of women in line to weigh themselves. Some even stripping down to practically their underwear to be weighed in. A woman even tried to convince me to take off my shirt to be weighed at that first meeting...'You know, that sweater looks very heavy, you should let me hold it.' Disturbing.

The other disturbing thing I realized at Weight Watchers was the fact that regular beer at 3 points was eating up quite a few of my daily allowed points (15). Lite beer is 2 points, but really...what's the point? I realized early on in my Weight Watcher adventure that if I wanted to lose weight I would need to drink less beer. 2003 was not about being Alcohol Free, so I moved on.

February: Seriously, a total blank. Like it never happened. Probably my son was constipated, but he has been for over a year now...that's been a constant.

March: Pants sent me to Vegas, even though he's always wanted to go and has never gone and I have always said I would rather gnaw my own arm off than go to Vegas. He is very selfless sometimes. I went with girlfriends...to be alone, to be with friends, to fly on a plane alone for the first time since a trip to San Francisco in '92. Other highlights from March: My $50 haircut and the surprise $50 blow dry at the end of said haircut at the MGM Grand salon. It appears I had 'Sucker' written on my scalp and the hairstylist saw $$$ signs while doing my hair.

April: I started my blog...suggested by someone dear to me. In April I was contemplating a few things...most perplexing was Pants obsession with Road House and the following dialogue from the film:

"I want you to be nice, until it's time to not be nice."

May: We saw a lot of action in May. Madison and I took on New York City. Pants was rendered Swimmer Free In 2003. And in an ironic twist, a week later, a new nephew with a very long string of names was welcomed into Pants family. A baby who shared a due date with the baby I was carrying and lost in October...many painful and unpleasant emotions followed.

Also, in an odd bit of foreshadowing, I began to evaluate the risk of publishing my thoughts on the internet.

June: Involved many random thoughts and a lot of dread about wearing a bathing suit. As the month progressed there were a lot of Bloody Marys shared with Chrissy and a lot of margarita's allowing me to wear my bathing suit. I was also overwhelmed with the smell of sunscreen on my children and wanted to bury my nose in their necks. It's been a while since I had that smell and it will be quite a while longer before I do again.

July: This was a month of love in many different forms. It was my anniversary. It was also when I fell in love with someone new. July also marked the end of a certain long term love affair.

August: I was beginning to realize the depths of my husband's insanity about running. I was also facing down a lot of rage at Texas. I am mostly over it now.

Another banner event for me in 8/03 was the Power Outage Joint I smoked with Pants and my sister. It was the first I had smoked since the Laughing Bong Debacle of '94. A time I smoked pot with Pants and a friend of ours who, quite cleverly, fashioned a working bong out of a plastic 'Cranapple' bottle and a straw. I smoked with them and had to put myself to bed shortly after because of an uncontrollable laughing fit.

This time was tame in comparison, except for the moment I yelled at our neighbor, a neighbor who likes classic cars and has one which will shoot flames out the back. I screamed down the street from our dark porch:

"Light ME up Murray!"

Surprisingly, this was only slightly embarassing in the light of day.

We rounded August out with a concert with the The Wiggles and the first day of Kindergarten. Both of these events caused a minor meltdown for me.

September: I turned 30, and for unrelated reasons...things went downhill. Blogger and I started to not fit each other at this time as well. I started to look for some different options.

Also in September I made up with Canada and I hope to renew our love affair soon.

October: Vacation, though I use the term loosely.

November: The Big Move. In my new home, I discuss my in law free status and am rapidly informed my in laws have been reading my site. All hell breaks loose and the insanity continues to unfold! Wooo hoooo!

December: A blessed holiday with my very own little family. Enormous pride as my brother starts his job as a fireman. At 36, he found his dream and actually pursued it. The icing on the cake? His new nickname in the firehouse: Old Balls. My sister in law has also made me very proud, enduring her married name aquired with my brother's job: Mrs Old Balls.

With 2003 going out with that kind of comedy, I just can't see 2004 being anything but entirely comical! Even if I do still have to endure those people!

Happy New Year Everyone!

My First Non In Law Hate Mail!

Hooray! Finally the love is being spread a bit!

This note comes from a very angry young lady, with a severe lack of spell check. She is also suffering from a bad case of poor grammar. It makes me shudder.

Meagan writes:

"I think whoever hates on Jamie and Ally you all some insicurities problems and your just Jealous. If your parents wear rich why the hell not live life up. I think they are spoil but there not brats they are wealthy beautiful girls. Atlease there not just like well im rich I am going to stay home and let my parents take care of me for the reast of my life. Jamie is in college and Ally is going to help her dad design. Anyways all of the taping wear from there summer it wasent like they were going to London and L.A.in the middle of the school year. As for the person who made this site I think you are a poor ugly stupid little poor reatarded bitch. Now how do you like to be judge. Thats why you shouldent judge people you dont even know. Ps I bet Jamie and Ally will get more guys then you will ever dream of you dumb ass stupid bitch!!!!!"

Oh, Meagan, there is just so much fun here. Your use of the english language leaves me reeling backwards.

Jaime and Ally really couldn't ask for a more eloquent spokeswoman to defend their honor. They would be proud I'm sure.

Please tell me you are in middle school or at least no where near graduating from high school. Please.

Ringing in the New Year

I have just one thing left to accomplish before 2003 is over in a few short days.

To find something simple, yet a little different, but still figure flattering for my newish curves, maybe black, but hopefully not. Not too flashy or formal, but not too casual and bland...

I have two short days to make this dream a reality. Where to start? And if you say 'Lane Bryant' I will hunt you down and kill you. I have a bit of a sensitivity about my weight.

I need this outfit to attend this fabulous New Year's Eve party we've been invited to. I won't say who invited us...in case you know them too and you've been shunned. But I think it will be my very first serious 'Grown Up' party...and I'm 30, so that is sad.

We've done lots of things for New Year's eve. We've cooked a fabulous meal with another couple and ate until we thought we'd explode. We've gone to a fabulous chinese restaurant with another couple only to have the other couple completely lose all conversational skills at exactly 10:28...with exactly 1 hour and 32 painful minutes left until the new year. There was the year we attended a party of a friend of a friend...a year I stuffed my swollen pregnant mass into a rather lovely outfit and tried to make small talk without an ounce of liquor in my bloodstream. Disaster doesn't begin to describe it. At 11:50 Pants and I raced home to watch the ball drop in our own living room while I ate a big fat piece of cheescake by the light of the christmas tree in my pajama's...night saved.

One of my favorite new year's was also one of my worst. We ate a great meal at a table crowded with some of the most fun friends I have ever had, played Jenga and drank until the new year rolled in. It was good until at 12:01, I realized I had crossed over to 'Too Drunk To Keep My Eyes Open' and the song MTV chose to ring in the New Year was Youth of the Nation. The song wasn't the bad part, it was the fact that I was so drunk that I was singing along with Mucho Gusto and for a moment I thought those lyrics were actually talking about me and then I remembered I was a mother of two, coming dangerously close to her 30th birthday.

That song really wasn't talking about me and the room began to spin viciously and I called a time out and went to bed at the party. This was a common occurence during my son's first 2 years of life, falling asleep at parties.

This party is at a lovely restaurant, a restaurant I once ate to celebrate my surviving of graduation from high school and later my 24th birthday. Last year my 10th high school reunion was held there..but God Help Me, this party better be more fun than that.

This New Year's Eve...will hopefully not end with me sleeping on a table in the restaurant. It will hopefully find me wearing a tasteful ensemble. I am hoping the psychic predictions I am scheduled to receive at 9pm are all good things. I thought about saying, "Don't tell me anything bad." But then realized if I said that and the psychic had nothing to say I would be quite horrified. We'll eat dinner and we're scheduled to make resolutions at 11pm...

I've no idea what my 'public' resolutions will be, but I already know my 'private' resolutions...and no, I'm not sharing them here either.

At 11:59 we'll watch the ball drop and I will watch another year float away...and I will be looking toward the new year with as much hope and anticipation as I have any other, even if I won't be singing 'Youth of the Nation' at 12:01am.

Filling in the gaps, with friends.

Sometimes I like to make fun of Pants, sometimes he likes to make fun of me.

Today, as he planned a 'Nerd Date' with our friend John was one of those times I simply had no choice but to make fun.

First of all they were going to see the ultimate film for nerds, Lord Of The Rings. Next, as they decided where to meet in the theatre lobby...he said, 'Let's meet underneath that giant tub of popcorn.'

And something about that still has me giggling.

I can see them meeting under the giant tub of popcorn, full of giddy anticipation as they go forward to experience the ultimate nerd adventure...together.

I also will not be surprised if tears are shed during the film...and maybe they'll give each other a knowing look...a look that says... 'I understand. I know.'

And it's a really good thing that Pants has his friend John...because I would not understand and I would just laugh and seeing that 3.5 hour long movie with me would be 3.5 hours of torture for my husband.

Friends are good to have.

New Year's Tag Lines

I had very simple dreams for 2003....they became tag lines really.

The first was: 'In Law Free In 2003' Which has turned out mainly true.

However, I also hoped to be 'Diaper Free In 2003'...sadly, unless my son tears off his diaper tomorrow and starts urinating in the forsaken potty...will not happen this year.

About a week ago, while drying The Boy off after bathtime, I started to give the 'Potty Pep Talk'. It goes a little something like this:

'Hey! Wow! You are getting so very very big!!! What a big boy you are! Huh...you know what some Big Boys do? They go pee pee in the potty! I know! It's totally crazy, but when they feel like they have to go pee pee...instead of going in their diaper, they go in the potty!' [Pause, to let this sink in] 'You know....I was thinking...you're a big boy right? Would you ever think about going pee pee in the potty instead of your diaper?'

As you can see this conversation involves more exclamation points than I typically use in an entire month...but I was still hoping for my New Year's tag line to come true.

Anyway...so I give him the 'talk' and he's naked and he's looking at me while I talk and then all the sudden I feel something wet and warm on my legs and I realize that while I'm giving the 'Potty Pep Talk' my son is urinating on my LEGS!

As in, 'Huh...what ass hole pees in a potty you idiot? I think I'm just going to pee where I please. My urine can not be contained in a simple plastic potty....I will pee on your legs lady. Get me a God Damn Diaper!!!'

Only, it was actually like he wasn't thinking a damn thing. Instead he was listening intently to my 'Potty Pep Talk' and didn't even notice urine was traveling from his penis to my legs.

I know, because I looked at his face for some sign of recognition that he was urinating on his mother...and there was no sign.

So my updated New Year's Tag Line is: 'Diapers No More In 2004'

God Help Me if he can't pull that off.

I have a few more tag lines for the coming year but I'll have to get to that later....I have far more pressing things to tend to.

*^*^*^Merry Christmas*^*^*^

We worked our arses off yesterday, baking, wrapping, cleaning...entertaining wild and excited children.

We were rewarded with an evening of fun. And you will NOT BELIEVE the gift I got from my brother. More on that later...

This morning, because we have the Best. Children. Ever. We didn't get up until NINE O'Clock in the morning. That's 9:00 am...on CHRISTMAS MORNING. Who are these children and what did I do to be blessed with them?

We opened gifts, I got two of the four things I wanted...plus a few things I didn't know I wanted. The kids proved once again that Christmas is for kids, Pants proved it's also for lovers...and having Christmas with all of them is a blessing.

Pants also proved that sometimes he can have obsessions that never seem to die.

We had snow and toys and cinnamon rolls and pajamas well past noon and visits from friends and Bloody Mary's and, a little later, tropical drinks in Tiki Mugs....

I love Christmas and I love it even more with my very own family.

Merry Christmas Everyone.

Scuff Free and Domestically Deranged

I can not believe I am about to type this. I can't believe I am overwhelmed with desire to tell you about this. Who took my brain?

I bought this at Target last night (yes, I wasn't done with my shopping yet).

I woke up at 8am this morning..tended the children, fed the smelly, needy animals we call 'cats'...and was then overwhelmed with the desire to try the Magic Eraser.

It seemed a rather boastful claim...but people...it is Magic!

My house is scuff free from top to bottom. I removed scuffs from the front of our refrigerator left from the 2001 Summers Soiree. I removed tantrum marks from the back of tempremental daughter's bedroom door. I removed pencil marks from flat finish paint...marks sitting since June, just waiting for me to fix them.

Before Magic Eraser, these marks required a sponge, a soft cloth and Soft Scrub with bleach...today...I just wiped with Magic Eraser.

'Domestically Disabled' isn't really the appropriate title for me anymore. I think 'Domestically Deranged' is more fitting at this point.

If You Didn't Marry Pants...

If you didn't marry Pants, here's a handy list of all the excellent holiday music you'd need to buy to make a great holiday mix. I don't have to, since, well...I did marry Pants.

It's "...guaranteed to Jingle Your Bells."

Blue Hawaiian's: Christmas On Big Island
(Pants' Personal Favorite...Shocking!)

Lounge-o-Leers: Christmas Party Album

Oscar Peterson: Oscar Peterson Christmas
(Run...it's 17% off!)

Henry Mancini: A Merry Mancini Christmas

Booker T and the MG's: In The Christmas Spirit
(A personal favorite)

Esquivel: Merry Christmas From The Space Age
(It scares young children and your parents yet dazzles party goers)

Santa, You Have NO Idea How Good I've Been

My list for Santa is made up of some fairly simple items.

A lamp, a book, a bookcase.....

But this would truly tickle me endlessly Santa.

It makes me cry....

Because I think the book is great and the video is even better with wonderful calming images and lovely music that makes me weep right down to my core. If I thought everyone would appreciate it as much as I do, I would buy if for every single person on my list....twice.

The Snowman

Note To Myself

If you invite 10 children to your house to make cookie houses, if all those kids are going to eat the very sugary icing and all the various surgary candy...

Bloody Mary's are not optional, they are a requirement.

Live and learn....if only Chrissy would have been able to come...she'd have known.

More Fun, Google Fun!

I saw this at Davezilla

Miserable Failure Go ahead, I'll wait.

It seems to me someone at Google has some opinions he's sharing. No?

Does it make it 'true'...no. Sure, true for me....but not the truth.

Is President Bush going to sue me for typing in 'Miserable Failure' and pointing out the results I got?

Is he going to call my house livid, is he going to call my husband demanding he control me? Is he going to threaten to withdraw his love from my husband if he doesn't control his wife? Is he going to leave 'anonymous' comments threatening to slander my family, calling me names...actually this isn't so far fetched.

I don't know...I guess we'll see. If my caller id shows 'Bush, George W.'...we'll deal with it then I guess.

Probably this will ignite the 'other people'...sorry folks I was on debate team and this is just ripe for debate. I'm not much for the 'flight' method...I'm more a fan of the 'fight' method.

It's a genetic flaw really....

Sea Glass...

My Nicer Funnier Sister in Law has a vast collection of Sea Glass. She started collecting it here, on Lake Erie, where she theorizes the people of Ohio drink a lot of beer and throw the empty bottles in the lake and they wash up in Canada. Ohio, why must we be so unkind to Canada?

Every single piece of this glass has a story...and my sister in law will tell you their stories, all of them. She has a few favorites, things shaped like someone or something.

She will argue vehemently about the value of this collection. But you will never find her selling it.

When she learned you can just buy it in bulk...she was kind of upset. Mass produced beach glass? She said. What's next? Cloning chickens!?

So, my next 'Gifts I Would Have Bought' entry involves what I would have bought my Sister In Law if I was willing to take a joke to the very highest level.

I'd have ordered this and this to make a complete set.

Then, since I'm going for maximum impact...I'd also buy this and this so she'd have a matching set.

So far, my imaginary Christmas is so much more funny than my real one.

Gifts I Would Buy If I Could

For the rest of the month I will be revealing the really awesome gifts I might have bought if I had lot of money.

Tonight I bring you this. Found via Bust

I would totally have bought this for Pants, not for our bedroom...for his brand new office.

If I had a lot of money, I might even buy it for my Uncle Jesse....just so I could see his face when he opened it.

It's official.

My son has been professionally deemed anally retentive by an expert. We saw the Pediatric Gastroenterologist today. (Who was very good at his job. Considering he gave my son an anal exam...and the boy still spoke to him when it was all over.)

This means my son can poop but he is trying not to poop.

What this really means is that poop is going to remain a major focus of my life in the day to day sense.

Far too many of my conversations start or end like this; "He pooped a little this morning." or "Hey, did Max poop for you today?"

I'm so happy about this!

And, as a matter of fact, Beerzie, I did get a badge.

Party Time!

If you throw a party for eleven 4 year olds....

...and two of them wet their pants...

You had a very good party!

At least this is what my friend Anne is hoping. Otherwise, they were just really scared.

It's always the right size!

I just always find something that fits at Ann Taintor.

More Search Terms

Today my site was found by typing 'I Hate Ouzo' into a Google search.

And damn it all! I really do hate Ouzo...and I was the number one hit for that search!

I hope I am not threatened by the makers of Ouzo. I hope my husband's family doesn't make Ouzo.

I'm shaking in my boots.

This is "Funny"

Sour Bob mentioned this...and I know I am an absolute abuser of the "quotes" thing. I do it all the time. I try to limit it to times I'm being ironic, but sometimes those little marks beckon me to abuse them and I do, oh, I do.

I do draw the line at making that annoying quotes sign while I'm speaking. Unless I'm talking to my sister and then I do it just to bother her. It's a little known law that you can now legally shoot someone when they make that annoying quote sign while speaking. Please check with your local law enforcement before you take my word for it.

Anyway...what this issue brought to mind is a sign in the window of a local grocery store. It reads:

'We "Welcome" You To The Village Market'

Maybe, they're actually enclosing a direct quote from their employees...but I've been there several times and I have never heard anyone say "Welcome!". So if that was their claim, then it's a lie.

I like to think they're using the quotes in a more ironic way. The "Welcome" in quotes is a sarcastic dig at the store patrons.

'Oh, yes...."Welcome" to our store.' [Eyes roll]

Since this store is in a rather well-to-do area...I think they do mean it "ironically" they aren't really "Welcoming" at all.

Audioblog Does Have A Useful Incarnation...

Plooble has come up with the best use for Audioblog I have heard so far. I only wish I was as clever. Here it is.

This is what you're looking for...at the bottom of the post.

Enjoy, and I'll be damned if I haven't had 'Spoken Word Hits' in my head all day long.

Petite Quiche

My little boy has been living for the past 7 days on little more than petite quiche.

Not saying anything.....

I love my little city sometimes...

Sometimes I forget the things that are mundane and 'normal' to me would actually be quite amusing to others.

For example, I realized yesterday we have a gem of a store right in our sleepy midwestern town. Noir Leather which as you can vividly imagine from their site is a bit of a leather, bondage, 'goth wear'...kind of store.

We like to shop in our little downtown and as we walk past Noir Leather my children are simply mesmerized, by the vast window display of chain mail, whips, leather thongs and other lovely items awaiting a home.

Pants and I try to act non challant about the whole thing when we're asked about it.

'What kind of store is this?'

'Well, that's a kind of costume store.'

'I don't think I want a costume from there. Do they have puppy costumes?'

'Well, kind of they do, but we probably won't buy our costumes from there.'

In case there's some confusion, I don't find this store offensive in anyway. I mean the whole 'scene' is a little 'Show Offy' for my taste, but I'm glad it's there and it's an independent store. I have a neighbor without teeth or a regular hygiene routine...Noir Leather really doesn't bother me in the least.

Another store, coincidentally located right next door to Noir Leather is 'Chosen Books'...

My 5 year old is learning to read and she recently realized this store says 'Books' on the sign. She wondered why we couldn't go to that bookstore and not the big fat Barnes and Noble down the street.

While I admire and hope to preserve her desire to support independent shop owners...probably Chosen Books isn't the place to sow that seed, as it's a gay adult bookstore.

In our conversation about this bookstore and the fact that we wouldn't be going in I explained it had 'grown up books' and not 'kid books'.

'But mommy, it has a rainbow in the window and that means they have kids books!'

'Hmmm....that's not what that rainbow means.'

'What does it mean?'

'It means they're happy about selling books to grown ups.'

Is it really too much to ask that I have the original Birds and the Bees talk before I have to go into what the rainbow means? I'd like to think I'm a modern woman, that I'm fairly open minded...but really. Isn't it enough that her baby brother is a Queen?

Nasty Family Down The Street

You might remember when I talked about my little girl's first day of Kindergarten. You might remember I had a minor meltdown over the whole thing.

You might remember how I mentioned 'Nasty Family Down the Street'. I was a little judgemental of "Nasty Dad's" smell (stale cigarette's) and his lack of teeth. While I am still judgemental of 'Nasty Dad's' aroma and I am still judgemental of his 'Nasty Pregnant Smoking Wife' and I am even more judgemental still of the disgusting way they keep their house and yard....

While all that is still true....I am also reminded how there are about one million perfect ways to raise children...

The 'Nasty Family Down the Street' may smell...but they have also raised a really sweet little girl who is sensitive and fun and very charming. They may make poor choices for their gestational health, but they are raising kids who are having a lot of fun growing up in that house, even if it is in dire need of a cleaning.

I may smell pretty good and I may have all my teeth but I'm not nearly as fun and friendly as 'The Nasty Family Down The Street'.

I could probably learn quite a bit from them....not anything about dental hygiene though.

Baby Pants

Baby Pants::Circa 1970 (2.5 years old)

I give them this....
They sure do make a cute baby.
Thank God they did that.

Look At Those Eyes, They Follow You....

Conversation I heard at knitting last Monday.

I did not participate in this conversation, however I listened intently and politely, not wanting anyone to feel uncomfortable with the fact that I thought they were raving lunatics.

"Does your cat do that thing....you know, where you try to leave the house....and the cat follows you to the door....and you know, you're running late and you really have to get to the office. But the cat is batting at you as if to say, 'Hey, where are you going?'....It's just so hard to walk out when she's acting like that. Don't you just hate leaving when the cat is acting like that? Sometimes I'll just call the office and tell them I'm just going to have to be late."

Here I'm thinking: "No. This has never happened to me and will never happen to me."

But the nicer woman involved in this conversation, actually does get it.

She joins in with: "Oh, yes!!!! I know what you mean. You know my puppy....she is so beautiful. So beautiful!"

At this point she sounds as though she might start weeping with the beauty of the dog.

"You know those eyes, she's a malamute...and those eyes, they get me everytime. They get me Right. Here. [motions to heart] You know? I'm like putty for that dog with those eyes. My grandmother...even my grandmother has fallen in love with those eyes."

Here I'm thinking: "No. I have no idea what you are talking about. I've never 'been gotten' by the eyes of a dog."

But the other animal lover, did know exactly what she meant. I wondered silently if the dog is playing mind games with those eyes...using mind control with those irresistable eyes.

I felt bad, because I am far from an animal lover....very far.

The one lady did say something that I kind of agree with. She thinks animals are a lot nicer than people...in fact, she likes animals more than she really likes people.

I can actually see that, however, I don't really like the general population...and I'm not extraordinarily wild about animals either. I'm screwed.

He is very good at a few things...

Remember when I talked about planning our little girl's 5th birthday party?

And we had to go with Hello Fucking Kitty? I don't hate Hello Kitty...I just hate cheesy party supply store parties. But you know, really, I'm kind of lazy now.

Anyway....Pants is very good at a lot of things.

Making cakes is one of them.

He crafted this one from nothing more than a simple sheet cake.

He says it's a lot like design...except there's more alcohol and less computer involved in the process.

Another thing Pants is exceptional at is making cute babes.