Budgets and Porn

As I've mentioned before the 'theme' of my year is: "Debt No More In 2004"

The reality of this sentence has been a little 'upsetting' for me. I feel a little like a screaming newborn, cold and wet ripped from my 'Happy Place' where debt is simply a part of life and 'Well, it's not that bad' is a justification that makes sense.

I knew that being a stay at home mother would require some sacrifice, I just didn't realize it meant I would have to drink Michelob Ultra and never eat sushi for the next 10 years.

I'm a little thrown by this new reality and I'm just not sure how I'll be able to absorb it all.

In an attempt to make me feel a little better, my Nicer, Funnier Sister in Law shared a little something she found while cleaning her basement this weekend. She thought it might help, but it hasn't actually helped at all.

Not since the 'Penile Implant Revelation of 2000' have I been so boldly slapped in the face with my dead grandfather's sexuality. That story came during a long evening of drinks and euchre and my brother told the story with a look of anticipation, he reveled in the look of horror which crossed my face as I realized there was no punch line. That in fact, the punch line was that my grandfather had a penile implant. My brother also seemed strangely relieved not to be carrying the full burden of this information any longer.

So, yesterday, my sister in law was clearing out the crap out of the basement and found a box full of memorabilia from my mother's home. A baby book for my younger sister, with just the first 3 pages filled in...the rest left blank as though my mother said, 'Jesus, this is exactly the same as the crap I wrote the last 2 times....she can just read it in there.'

Next to the baby book was a crudely homemade book with the title, written in child like script on the cover: 'Sexual Revival For Abandoned Parents'. I'll spare you the horrifying details of the inside of this book but let's just call it soft core porn.

Keep in mind I'm reading some outtakes from this book, wondering how my brother got it in a box of his memorabilia, having no clue who the author is. Until the end of the email....

"Inside the cover is typed Copyright 1970, EVBOB Publications and on the front it reads Book By [My Grandfather's Name] and [His Longtime Lady Friend's Name]"

Let me explain to you what I've been absorbing all day long.

My grandfather and his lady friend wrote soft core porn together.

I'm not entirely sure the ramifications of this have hit me yet. I mean, on the one hand...God love him, he was a sexual being right up to the end. On the other hand.

Ewh.

Comments

[aggie]

Look on the bright side....it could have been a video.

[Deborah]

I just have one question: Is the penile implant addressed in the book?

[Emily]

lmao...I completely freaked the day I found sex help books in my moms bedside table.I mean,I know they have sex....but must it be "Great Sex"?
I feel your pain.lol

[Lisa/Phil]

Phil's comment:

Whoa...what's wrong w/ Michelob Ultra? That would be a huge step UP for us. We drink Miller High Life Lite...in bottles or Busch Lite ;-)

[Melissa]

Nothing's wrong with it if you like drinking water!

[Lisa]

coming straight from the woman that drinks DARK beer....ewwwwwww

[Melissa]

I like my beer dark....like my men. Wait, what?

[The Sarcastic Journalist]

That is so funny. Seriously. And, I've seen the video. Except it was my mom and her husband. I'd rather have seen the book.....

[Texas T-Bone]

Beer is like sex, it's only bad when you don't have any. Sure there is bad sex, and bad beer, but if you mix the two they sort of cancel each other out. I've heard of some rip-roaring ugly-people orgies fueled by a few cases of Pabst.

[Lil' Sis]

I am clearly not a part of this family. Screw it, man. I am out. I'll just stick with my friends as family.

[Lil' Sis]

AND- why do s&j have my baby book? half-assed tho it may be, did anyone think that maybe I would like to pretend someone gave a crap about me? I could fill it in myself... put the 3 baby pictures of me that were ever taken in it- oh, no, that's right, mom lied & told me they were me, but they were YOU.