A Senseless Act.

I have done such a horrible thing to my hair.

It started as a mushroom, a horrible mushroom. I knew it was a bad haircut when I left the salon feeling like a PTA mom from hell. My hair was so big, big and mushroom-like. I barely recognized myself and was overcome with a desire to stage a hostile take over of my local chapter.

I lived with it but after a week I still found myself walking around saying to myself: 'I have a mushroom head, I have a mushroom head....' It became fairly unbearable, the desire to take over the PTA, coupled with the constant 'I have a mushroom head' thoughts.

So I decided to have it 'fixed'. This haircut is so horrendous, there is literally no way to describe it. It defies explanation. I think the stylist may have been taking some controlled substance when she did this to me. I've tried to remain calm about it all...not having the energy to commit to a more typical 'Hair Trauma Meltdown'.

Like the one I had in second grade which involved hiding in my room and screaming I would never ever in one million years leave my bedroom again and coming to the dinner table with a grocery bag over my head.

Or the one I had in 10th grade, where the color went so wrong my hair fell off and I was left with a frizzy overprocessed mess. I cried for days and days after that one and probably should have been put on medication at that point when it became so clear my hair was the only thing keeping me stable.

I'm 30, I have two kids and I just don't have the energy to be that devastated by my hair.

However, I have been avoiding looking in mirrors. I have pulled out every single styling product in my linen closet to try and make some sense of this hair I have. There is no sense to be made of this hair. It's over.

Now I have so many different styling aids in this mess that any touching makes it fly out of control. As I type this I have a wing coming out of the eastern side of my hair, the back end is doing something I can't see but I do not like how it feels and the left side is feathering. Let me say that again: My Hair Is Feathering.

I knew it was pretty bad when Madison looked at me while hanging upside down and said,

'You know, your hair looks really nice when I look at it upside down'

Which is probably how the stylist was seeing my hair through her drug induced mania.

There's really nothing to be done about this monstrous hair I have...except wait. Usually I like to tell myself, 'The difference between a good and bad haircut is two weeks'

Two weeks is probably a little optimistic. I might have normal looking hair in about 6 months. For now I will have to endure the confused stares at this head of hair.

At the security checkpoint in the airport I had prepared myself for a full inquiry into the current state of my hair.

I walked through the metal detector and a 'Bad Hair' light went off and I was pulled to the side and questioned about what I had done, about why I had committed such a heinous act on my very own hair.

I was asked many tough questions about my hair. Like, Why? and Can you describe the 'mushroom head' and You thought this was an improvement? and Ma'am, your hair is feathering, did you realize that?

Tough questions I couldn't answer because like I said, it truly defies explanation.

Comments

[Michelle]

Melissa, it can't be THAT bad. Stop being so neurotic and post a picture. I SWEAR I'll be completely honest with you.

Why don't you just get it all chopped off? Go really short and sassy and just say screw it? Then your $20 shampoo will last you twice as long!

Michelle

_________

Ed note: It IS chopped off! I can't go any shorter at this point!!!

[Abby]

You HAVE to post a picture!

My mother has such the mushroom-do that she looks EXACTLY like George Washington on the $1 bill. Is it THAT bad?

[MshellG]

Melissa, I just wanted to say that I empathize competely with you. I have a lot of thick and unruly hair that does WHATEVER it wants and will NOT under any circumstances be controlled. Once, I thought I needed perm and ended up looking like Gilda Radner doing Roseanne Roseannadanna...I kid you not.

It both pains and comforts me to read that someone else has horrible experiences with these fiberous follicles known as hair.

You could always go "punk rock." :P

[The Sarcastic Journalist]

is it long enough to put in a pony tail? my cute little boy cut is now growing out and i look like a cross between the ugliest 12-year-old boy and a biker chick with a mullet.

I feel your pain.

[Kristine]

I'm with Michelle G who said: "It both pains and comforts me to read that someone else has horrible experiences with these fiberous follicles known as hair."

Definitely take pictures so you can do before/during/and after shots of it growing out. And as my mom always comforted me: "It WILL grow out!" I know, it's not that comforting.

[Lil' Sis]

Having been one of the few witnesses of your melting hair, lis, I feel this really can't be THAT bad! I will have to stop by (once the Escort is fixed- i somehow managed to knock a shock INTO the rear stereo speaker. Don't ask. I am THAT good.) and see for myself. Because, mostly it sounds to me like you should be thanking god that he finally gave you a bit of body in your hair.

Miao.