Chatter

I saw the doctor today for a little physical and a 'schmear. It's one of my favorite times of year....getting a Pap Smear is really close to the top of my short list of Things I Like To Pay A Babysitter For So I Can Have Time For Myself.

I love when the doctor says those four special words: 'Scoot Down A Bit'.

Actually, I'm being sarcastic. I don't like getting a Pap Smear and I simply endure it because cervical cancer is pretty close to the top of my short list of Things I'd Like To Avoid At All Costs.

While I'm enduring a pap smear, I really, really don't want to talk. Especially not about Janet Jackson's boob.

The nurse and the doctor just kept talking as though my vagina had become a 'water cooler' of sorts and they'd gathered around to shoot the breeze.

It was unnerving.

I didn't know exactly how to tell them their chatter was making it very hard for me to leave my body and go to my happy place.

I've decided I like my gynecology a lot like my Nicer, Funnier Sister In Law likes her religion.

Quiet, dry and impersonal.

Comments

[Deborah]

the "scoot down a bit" thing KILLS me. Each time I begin the glide down the table I just know that my nether region is "winking" at the doctor. Think about it...how can you scoot without the sphincter contracting? It's an awful thing...glad it was your turn for the schmear and not mine!

[Emily]

That dreaded.."scoot down"...is how I ended up scooting right on off the table into my Drs. lap!!Naked of course!!Awful!This is one of the many reasons I have a freak-out phobia about the gyno!lol

[Helene]

AAAAAAAAAAAMmennnnnnnnn!!!!

[pinky]

Next year? Tell your doctor that you saw this on a bumpersticker, and they'll laugh, guaranteed: "you can never be too rich, too thin, or too close to the edge of the table."

[The Sarcastic Journalist]

My personal favorite was when they were putting my IUD in. She put in the speculum and some crazy pointy scissor thingies. Then she walked away and left me, legs spread, with some objects hanging out of my cooter, bouncing up and down every time i took a breath.

I also like it after the dreaded "scoot down a bit" is when they tell you to sit up and then you fall off the table and land on the ground, naked.

WOO FREAKING HOO.