The Starbucks Suggestion

Ive always been a bit of a complainer. I'm not sure I'd know what to talk about if I wasn't complaining about something. Even in the height of my happiness I have to find something to temper all that good feeling so that I'm still 'me'. Cynical.

I had a group of girlfriends, none had children. We'd go out and talk about dating (or relationships, in my case), sex (I was the only one having regular sex....but this was in the year after my son arrived, so not very often), and our work. We'd complain about each of these things on some level.

They complained about bad dates, in a way I'd do the same, but I was trying to date my husband while lugging around two small but demanding children.
They complained about not having sex, in a way I'd do the same, though I wasn't in the mood for a lot of 2001.
They complained about their jobs, in a way I'd do the same, only my job happens to be motherhood.

When someone asks, 'And, what do you do?' I generally prepare for one of the most annoying conversations of my Stay At Home life.

me: 'I'm at home with my kids.'

them: 'Well then you have the hardest job!

Here is where I smile and say:

'You have no idea.'

And this is also where they think:

'I just told her she has the hardest job, only I have no real idea at all what it is she does. But it would be really rude to say what I actually think she does...which involves a lot of nothing.'

I realize people are trying to be supportive but the truth is they really don't have a clue what my day looks like.

I mean sure, I sleep....more than any mother of 2 should reasonably expect to sleep. Sometimes I have playdates that involve bloody marys. Somedays I think how lucky I am to be here watching my kids grow up...how lucky I am I don't have a cubicle. How lucky I am to not have to deal with a boss I have no undying and passionate love for.

But then other days, my stay at home life is like a bad day at the office that never ends. It's relentless and brutal and involves a lot of other people's poop. Somedays I feel like I would rather chisel out my ear drums than listen to another ridiculous and entirely age appropriate set of questions, comments and whining.

Something Pants and I realized about a year ago, and forgive me if this seems far too simplistic an idea for us to have taken 4 years to figure out, but:

Somedays his job is harder and mine is easier, somedays my job is harder and his is easier and in the end it all balances out and they're both real jobs and they both have benefits and drawbacks and we both bring a huge part of the equation to the table.

It took us, parents who are living this dream, four years to realize this. It's really not surprising most people who don't have kids haven't figured it out yet and though they say they really 'admire' my choices and they have such 'respect' for the work I do....in reality they can't respect or admire my job until they are in the position to either do it or make the choice to not do it the same way I have chosen to do it (both equally respectable choices).

My single and childless girlfriends used to tell me all of the usual things about my job as a stay at home mother. They'd say things like, 'Oh, I could never do what you do....' but I came to realize shortly before we parted ways that really, they didn't quite get it and what I realize now is they couldn't really get it.

This moment of clarity came during a particularly hairy part of my job as stay at home mother. I was doing my fair share of complaining. We were all complaining. One was working long hours and not getting ahead, another was facing the constant stress of impending lay offs and the other was a contract worker not being hired and getting very frustrated with the situation.

I was feeling underpaid and overworked and kind of exhausted...just like they were.

The odd part was the helpful suggestion they made to 'fix' my predicament.

Them: 'You should get a job in the evenings and on the weekends working at Starbucks.'

It still stuns me to this day that they said this and truly saw no problem with it.

Let's try to reverse the reasoning on them to see exactly what irritated me beyond repair about this helpful suggestion.

Them: 'I am so tired of working so hard and being underpaid and underappreciated. My boss is a tyrant! I'm stressed out and exhausted. At the end of the day I can barely see straight, all I want to do is come home and watch tv and sleep until I have to get up and do it all over again.'

Me: 'Wow, I know how hard your job is. Hey, I have a great idea! How about you get another job you can do when you're done at that other job that has you totally falling apart and unhappy. That way you can race home from your first job to spend the evening doing another job and I'm sure then you'll be happier.'

I don't know...I just don't see it and I guess I felt a little misunderstood. Which really isn't surprising...since my girlfriends have not had kids and have no idea the relentless joys that await them as stay at home parents.

Someday, if they do have children, I hope they remember The Starbucks Suggestion and if they're feeling a little overwhelmed by working their asses off to raise their kids 24 hours a day 7 days a week, I hope they'll consider slinging coffees in their 'downtime'....because really that's the secret to happiness as a stay at home mother.

More work. Well, that and great friends who are always there to help you out!

Comments

[pinky]

Ouch. I am completely ignorant of the all-consuming work of raising children, and yet.....even I know better than to suggest to a stay at home mom that she get another *job*.
Eeek! That's the kind of suggestion that gets you a poke in the eye. If you're lucky.

[beerzie boy]

> It's relentless and brutal and involves a lot of other people's poop. Somedays I feel like I would rather chisel out my ear drums than listen to another ridiculous and entirely age appropriate set of questions, comments and whining.

Are you sure you don't work in an office?

[Lizbeth]

I so relate to this post. I too started having my babies long before my friends were married. I jumped off the fast track to stay home with my kiddies and my friends (mostly men) would always say stupid things like, "It must be nice not doing anything all day." My husband used to say that I was too sensitive when I ranted to him about these idiots. A friend would say, "I'm exhausted working six days a week trying to finish a project." Of course they'd go home and sleep all day Sunday and recharge themselves for the week. But nobody really wants to hear a mom complain about not getting a day off in two years and not being able to come home and just recharge her batteries. Besides if you complain too much, I found they look at you and say "Tough shit, your choice." As if they have the right to complain about their job, but you don't.

[Wendy]

After my first child was born, I had intended to be a stay at home mom. After only 2 months, I got a part-time job outside the home because I NEEDED A CHANCE TO SIT DOWN!!! I'm serious. I was so exhausted from the constant work of being a stay at home mom that I had escape to a part-time office job just to get 4 hours of rest each day. Now I work full-time, expecting my 2nd child, and I'm trying to figure out whether to quit altogether and give the SAHM thing another try or what. It's a tough decision. Either way, there is absolutely no "easy" job when you have kids.

[Michelle]

Seriously...do you want me to go flatten her tires as payback for making such an an assinine comment?

I, too, work a part time job for several reasons. A - to have extra spending cash that's mine, all mine. And B - to get the hell away from my kids once in a while. I love the little stinkers and LOVE staying home with them...but 'round here there's no such thing as sick leave, paid vacation, or happy hour on the way home from the office.

But let's face it...this job DOES have the coolest benefits.

[Fi]

I came to the conclusion a while ago; there are parents, and there are non-parents. The former fully understand what it was like to be the later, but never vice-versa.

I enjoyed reading your blog this morning.

Cheers,

Fi, also a Mum
Auckland, New Zealand.

[Robin]

I get you. Unfortunately, I have nothing to say that could me mistaken for cheery and optimistic. It sucks to have to choose and then defend and then whine to people that don't even matter that it really is a "job."

[Amber]

Brava, Amen, 'nuff said.

[Debbie]

A full-time mom friend of mine answered the same question -- what do you do? -- by saying "I'm retired."

I know it's the opposite of what you really mean, the 24/7 work of raising kids, but here in the NY metro area, where being retired young suggests having made billions in the IPO market, it brought a hush to the room.

[helen fielding]

I hate to be the spoiler to this mother as a job love in, but get some perspective. Why on earth should anyone listen to a parent whinge about their choice? It strikes me as utterly laughable we should provide sympathy to those that understand the consequences of their actions, e.g. having children = life long commitment without breaks + fincial and emotional drain.

It's ashame your friends aren't sympathetic, but at the end of the day, if you want a break - GET A NANNY or find some other methods and means.

_______________________________________________________

Ed Note:

Oh dear God I would adore a nanny, Helen.

I guess I think that if I'm going to listen to my friends complain about their jobs, jobs they are involved in by their own choice, then I'm owed the same venting rights about my job.

Thank God you aren't my friend Helen.

[Pants]

Helen Fielding, you strike me as utterly laughable.

[Leggy]

Found you through Lisa's (Stolidoli) blog- you are so right re: friends without kids don't understand.

Look forward to getting to "know" you.