If you're looking for 'upbeat' keep looking.

Madison is nearly five and a half years old and suffers from a pretty extreme case of separation anxiety. Meaning, she follows me out the door when I try to drop her off at school each afternoon. We've been going to school since September, this is getting very frustrating for me.

The thing that is most upsetting about this phenomenon is that the five plus years of caretaking I have been doing for my first born child, my daughter, the daughter I dreamed about and prayed for and was so thrilled to bring into this world, has failed because in my daughter's eyes it's actually a very real possibility I will not pick her up at the end of the day.

This is something called 'Mommy Guilt' and it's a large part of my daily experience being the mother of two children. I try to avoid it but when my daughter is chasing me down the halls of her elementary school, crying out for me....I feel pretty fucking guilty that my child appears to believe I am truly running from her and heading to Mexico for the rest of forever.

Not as troubling...although, as long as I'm being honest....it is nearly as troubling. My iBook still isn't back. I realize I only dropped it off on Sunday, but it's only 7.5 months old how hard can it be to fix?

Finally, as troubling if not more so, is the continued terminal state of my hair. I've tried to make the best of it, really I have. Every morning I wake up and I shower and I put product in my hair and I try to do a little positive self talk.

'Your hair is not inexplicable! It's nice hair! Today is going to be a good hair day!'

But really it went from being Short and Inexplicable to being Shaggy, Lifeless And Still Inexplicable. I thought there would be a point where it looked 'okay'.

How many bad hair days can one woman be expected to endure? I swear to God today is Bad Hair Day #28 and I'm not seeing any end in sight.

Comments

[jilbur]

Gotta love mommy guilt.
On second thought, why? why? why do I gotta love mommy guilt? I frikin hate it.
It reminds me of a New Yorker cartoon I once saw: 2 guys in a jail cell, one saying to the other, "I robbed Peter to pay Paul, and then I figured, what the hell, and I robbed Paul too." Mommy guilt is always a zero-sum, no-winners kind of game. If you're feeling guilty that your kindergartener has separation anxiety after you SAH'd her (is that a legit verb?), imagine the intricacies of self-torture you could inflict upon yourself if you had (as I did) started her in some form of out-of-home care at 11 mos. And maybe like me you'd get lucky and have her in decidedly the wrong daycare for over a year and only truly realize it in hindsight. Then you could trump most of your acquaintance in mommy-guilt. Hoooohooo! we're really having fun now!
Seriously. I think the attachment anxiety is just a hardwired thing. I had it; my daughter does, too. You sound to my sorry ass like a superawesomecool mommy.

[beerzie boy]

[snif]That was heartbreaking. An iBook on the fritz after only 7 1/2 months?

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Ed Note: Thank you for understanding. The iBook plus the hair, it's really just all too much.

[Debi]

Great entry, I went through this with my son. But by March I think he was better...I think part of it is she thinks your having a party with your other child as soon as you drop her off...

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Ed Note: You mean I shouldn't tell her about the awesome parties we're having while she's gone?

[Katie]

Oh my gosh - what Madison is going through now sounds EXACTLY like what I went through at her age. Every morning when my mom would drop me off at kindergarten, I would cry inconsolably for at least half an hour. Then, at the end of the day, I would start crying again, certain she had forgotten about me and I was abandoned forever, until one of the other kids would say, "look Katie, there's your mom! Right there!" EVERY SINGLE DAY. At the time, my brother was two and he got to stay home with mom. I guess it was just something I grew out of and I do remember my mom reassuring me over and over again, saying, "you're my daughter, I love you, and I will never forget about you." In other words, don't take it personally, I'm sure Madison will end up o.k. too.

[mommahardt]

I am so sorry to hear that it has continued. Mommy guilt just plain sucks! Hugs to you

[Amber]

I've got Mommy Guilt. I've also got Mommy Angst, Mommy Regret, and Mommy's Tired, Go Find Daddy. My hair is okay though.

[Devra]

If you need some relief and ways to cope with Mommy Guilt, I think I might have some info you could use! I just co-wrote a book called "Mommy Guilt:Learn To Worry Less, Focus On What Matters Most and Raise Happier Kids". We conducted a survey of over 1300 parents and 96% percent of em felt da guilt! Come over and read a sample chapter! www.Parentopia.Net Visit our oasis and get a break from all of that "perfection" hype! : )
Devra