Best Friends Forever

I've been lacking a best friend for quite some time. I'm looking for one, but the process has been a little slow. My nicer, funnier sister in law is also looking for a new best friend. She has her imaginary gay friend, Stephen, who my brother encourages her to spend time with, antiquing and seeing certain movies. But she's ready to take her imaginary friend to the next level and is looking for a real gay friend this year.

The other day Max informed me I was his "best friend" and although that warmed my heart for a moment and I felt relieved my search would be over, I wouldn't be me if I didn't take that sweet sentiment and beat it to death with my pessimistic cynicism.

Really, I'd like to make sure that once my children go to therapy they get every single penny's worth.

It's nice that my nearly three year old thinks I'm his best friend, my friend's children have said this to them before and they've taken it to heart, feeling very happy to have formed this relationship with their preschoolers. However, I realized if my son was actually my best friend what shitty best friends we'd be.

First of all...our relationship is deeply rooted in the condition and frequency of his poop. I'm constantly trying to stay on top of the poop, adjusting his diet and medicine to ensure there's poop. There's a lot of talking about poop. As in:

'Yay! You pooped!'
'Do you think you want to poop?'

I would never have chosen a best friend who needed this much encouragement and personal intervention in relation to his bowels. And really, I would never, ever give my best friend an enema. Ever.

Also, as a best friend he's not much of a conversationalist. Sure, he makes me laugh pretty often. But really, he is constantly repeating himself. If I have to sit through another riveting description of this ostrich and our encounter with it in Texas, that's it. We simply can not be friends anymore, especially not best friends.

Sometimes when I'm listening to another exciting round of the 'New Cats'...you know, the smelly disgusting animals we've been housing for the last SIX MONTHS? Sometimes when he describes the exciting new cats in a very verbose and excruciatingly detailed manner, I find myself leaving my body. I don't think that's what a best friend does.

I mean I realize he's not actually an adult and he's only three but I do know that if he wants to be my best friend he's going to have to work on his conversational skills. This just isn't working out.

I like funny people, and if I was picking my best friend I'd pick someone who made me laugh. And, you know, Max does make me laugh, a lot. However, I like off color humor, I like a little more sarcasm with my humor. My new best friend really doesn't grasp things like irony. He does tell a lot of 'jokes', but they're of the entirely nonsensical 'Knock Knock' variety. They go like this:

Him: Knock Knock
Me: Who's there?
Him: Cat!
Me: Cat who?
Him: Cat Stinkyhead!!!! (Hysterical laughter.....just from him and I don't think he even cares that I'm not laughing!)

Other punchlines? 'Window Stinky!', 'Car Poo Poo!', 'Daddy Stinkyhead'*

*I can't argue with this one, but it's not a joke...it's a statement of fact.

I have high hopes that his sense of humor will improve over the years, but until then....I just don't see how we can be best friends.

If I was picking my best friend, I'd probably pick someone who liked to go shopping on occasion. My new best friend really doesn't like shopping. A lot of the time he runs away from me in the middle of the store. He's always whining that he's thirsty or hungry. I have to carry a snack for him and a drink and toys and sometimes, he's too tired to walk so I have to push him around in a stroller. I'd like a more self sufficient best friend to be entirely honest.

Also, I like to eat out a lot. And Max is actually very good at eating out. It's just that there are a lot of props involved in going out to eat and I have to do a lot of entertaining while we're out to eat and I don't feel like the entertaining is really give and take.

That's fine, since he's 3 but really as a best friend I expect a few less toys at the table, and a little more relaxed conversation. Oh, and he always orders the same thing and then he eats two bites..and then he's like, "Oh shoot, I forgot my wallet" Like always. So guess who pays? Big surprise! Me.

I'm cool with having a three year old son, I know it's a lot of work and for a three year old he's actually pretty funny and also exceedingly adorable. But really, as a best friend he totally sucks.

Comments

[Christie]

Funny you mention this, because while I like to tell my 3-year-old son that he is my best friend (I know, I'm SICK), he likes to tell me, "you're not my best friend, you're MY MOM!"

He emphasises "my mom" with practiced disgust, as though there is no way in hell a MOM could be nearly qualified to be a best friend.

Which is probably a good thing.

Why don't you and your nicer, funnier sister-in-law be best friends?

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Ed Note:

We could be best friends but there's the distance and I think she's really holding out for a 'Stephen'. Who can blame her?

[alyssa]

i'm too far away, or i'd audition. i think i could win a supporting role or something. i sure would like to go to a karaoke bar with you sometime and sing patriotic songs...

maybe i can be your best FLORIDA friend. i promise i have really regular pooping habits and wouldnt bother you about when i went.

i am also a very good drinker. that should qualify me, right?

alyssa
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Ed Note: You don't tell lame knock knock jokes do you?

[Amber]

I'm also lacking in the best friend dept. My 2 1/2 year old son and I have a similar dynamic going on, although he has never bestowed me with that particular honor (and I've never given him an enema!). Sadly, my own detailed knowledge of the pooping/eating/playing/miscellany of my two kids lives leaves me with little to say to those not in the child rearing trenches. I'm so used to conversing with a toddler that I am a lousy conversationalist with adults these days. Crap.

[nicer funier SIL]

Re Christie's comment: I'd gladly be your BF, but you need to move 5 hours south - which I've already given the sales pitch on...do you want it again?

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Ed Note:

You don't have to give me the pitch, I'm sold, give it to Pants.

[The Sarcastic Journalist Journalist]

I had a good friend here but she is no longer a good friend. Therefore, I am friendless in this state. Even though my hubs is my best friend, i'm also auditioning for a female best friend. I enjoy drinking margaritas and doing stupid things afterwards. I also enjoy being sarcastic, making fun of people and eating mexican food.

And I'm not a fan of discussing my poop with other people. You could be my best friend, but I know for a fact we don't live anywhere near each other.

Hmph.

[Mrs. Kennedy]

I mean, thank god for the Internet or I'd have no one to talk to over the age of two-and-three-quarters.

[Loody]

That post made me laugh a lot! I tend to be very good friends with a few individuals. Don't think I could single any one of them out as a best friend because they are all so different! I need 'em all!

[jilbur]

heeyy, I'm new here. You really struck a nerve with me on this one. Up to about 6 months ago, I went 6 years with no girlfriends I could drive to without emptying the gas tank. I also vividly remember my dying-of-thirst-in-the-gobi-of-friendship attempts to chat up playground moms while my dear. darling. beloved. pain-in-the-ass extra limb screeched 'NO YOU TALK TO GROWNUPS! PLAY WITH ME! NO YOU TALK TO GROWNUPS!

Now she wants nothing to do with me if someone within 2 years' her age is within 100 yards.