Creative Flourish.

You know I love my husband right? I mean, okay, he forbids me to eat anything pickled and/or mayonaisse based. Yes, he does that annoying thing with his weight....dropping it...as I continue to hover well above the number I thought was the highest I could ever accept. Okay and yes (!) sometimes I really envy his social life with adults who are not familiar with Miralax and tantrums. But I love him, right?

Right, yes I love him with every last cell of my being. I don't like to brag about him very much because he tends to believe his press a bit too much. (Note: I used to call him 'Pants' a sarcastic take on the 'Who wears the pants in the family' thing. Because we all know, I do! But he started to actually believe he was wearing the pants...and no, we can not have that.)

So I like to pick on him to balance the mad and passionate love I have for him.

Logan is really very good at a lot of things. You give him a mouse and a G5 and he will make all your commercial design dreams come true! Give him some art, and he will direct it! If you want a house plan, he can do that too! With paper and a pencil even! "CAD is for pussies!" he says. (Not really, but wouldn't it be funny if he did say that?)

However, if you ask him to write a story he will bore you to death with the most inane and purely factual account of the events you can imagine. He will not be able to add 'flourishes' for comedic effect. He will simply relay in painfully excruciating detail the encounter, word by word.

As an example, after reading the 'Mayonnaise Rages' he said, "Hey! I never made you sign a prenup!" (Okay, he didn't say that...but see! He could have and it would have been really funny!) He may not have said that exact sentence but he has said very similar things on several occasions.

I guess what I'm saying essentially is that my husband is a horrible liar, which is a good thing so really I'm not picking on him at all.

Imagine my surprise when I got this email relaying an early morning encounter my husband had:

Scene set-up: Early Friday morning, office elevator. Me, another guy and a gal get on the elevator.

Him (Earnest yet relieved facial expression, saying "I know you're gonna agree with what I'm about to say, dude..."; wearing a Snoopy tie with sweater vest): "TGIF, man. It couldn't come any quicker..."

Me (weary of a lifetime of dorkiness, but relieved to not be both dorky AND incredibly nerdy; smiling politely), thinking: Uh... yeah. Whatever. Can't we just elevate in peace?

Her (incredulous that she has to hear that same line for the 232nd time this year, yet smiling in a thinly disguised patronizing manner ), thinking: God that other guy is hot!

Inane elevator conversation...

You'll note: Ego is heavily present ('God that other guy is hot!'). Also, please note he added some inner dialogue which shows imagination on his part. I'm very very impressed.

Of course, after I read this I asked, 'Wait a minute, how do you know that's what she was thinking?'

Comments

[Marguerite]

That's funny, I asked him the SAME thing!

But look at it this way, Melissa, at least he doesn't try to rewrite your blog--or worse yet, write your entries before you do and present them to your bosses. I know I'm GLAD he DOESN'T do that to MY WRITING. I'll sure miss having Logan as my work partner...

[jilbur]

I don't want me no mind-reading husbands. I get into enough trouble as it is.
What's his range? Is it, like, in the cordless-telephone neighborhood? Or is there some special atmospheric pressure-thingie in the elevator that does it? I could maybe handle avoiding sharing an elevator with Howie, as I still have not recovered from my childhood obsession with escalators.

[Kate]

Great post! I love your blog. Glad I found it on my nightly blog hop :) Have a great weekend!!

[monique]

i have a deep seated (seeded?) fear of people reading my mind in elevators... it must have something to do with the closed in space because i have no problems or delusions like that in the "outside" world... just elevators.

love the "elevate in peace" line, btw!