Gassy Pants

A Continuously Growing List Of Things Which Apparently Make My Husband Gassy*

Pasta.

Sharing a bed with me.

Being at the grocery store.

Driving long distances.

Split pea soup.

Being in bed in general.

Designing logos.

Dried Apricots. (Banned from our home.)

Decorating birthday cakes.

Listening to me talk.

Dark beer.

Coughing.

Talking on the phone.

Chocolate.

Reading a bedtime story.

Changing a diaper.

Cheese (cheddar only).

Being alone in his office.

Vacationing.

Folding laundry.

Sitting near me.

Brushing teeth.

Running.

Refinancing a mortgage.

Walking through the door at the end of a long day.

Washing dishes.

Romantic Interludes. (Failed Romantic Interludes.)

Wrestling with children.

Making the bed.

Buying a car.

*Based solely on what he's been doing or consuming when he's farted.

Comments

[jenB]

wouldn't it be easier to just say "breathing"?
:-)

[emily]

It must be a universal problem!

[Davezilla]

You could simply narrow it down to "life".

[erika]

Do card stores make him gassy? They get me every time.

[Melissa]

I could say 'breathing' or 'life' but then how would I torture my loving husband by sharing, in a public forum, just how many times he farts?

Besides, I think this list nominates me for Sainthood. It's like living in a dutch oven.

[Nanners]

don't forget the all too handy excuse of "boredom"..my first visit to your surburbia, think I'll take the tour.

[Mrs. Kennedy]

I haven't been able to ban kosher hot dogs from our house, but NO MORE CORNED BEEF AND CABBAGE AND GUINNESS ON ST. PATRICK'S DAY, EVER.

[Helene]

LOL - It's an inherited feature of the X gene.

[meristem]

I totally have a solution!
I used to be a gassy, bloated person, NO MATTER WHAT I DID OR ATE (sounds like your husband). It was the worst when I was a ballet dancer because, wearing only a leotard and tights and with legs flying everywhere, there was no where to hide.....
Anyway, a couple of years ago, my doctor gave me some Culturelle, which is a probiotic (they have a website). I was taking it because I'd had an intestinal infection and it helps to recolonize the intestines with healthy flora. What I happily, blissfully noticed was that while taking Culturelle (it takes a week or so for the results to be noticable) I was no longer bloated and gassy ALL THE TIME! Now I take it every day. There are no weird side effects-it's totally natural- and it is not possible to OD (well, I only take one a day...)
Check it out! I hate to think it impossible to have a romantic interlude without feeling like you're out in the stables.........
ps-is your husband a Virgo?
pps-no, I do not receive commission from Culturelle. I'm just so thrilled to be free!

[leslee]

Oh my God, "is your husband a Virgo?" That's so funny. We Virgos are supposed to be known for intestinal trouble, and I can attest to that. Ha. I'll have to check out that Culturelle stuff. I also found cutting out all snacks between meals helps.

[Kelly]

I know I'm posting this about a year later, but...not to be boring...has he ever had his diet checked (he claims to be healthy! Ha!) for gluten intolerance and other food allergies. Your doc has to send a bit of bloodwork out to a special lab, like ImmunoLabs, where they can cross check just about everything. It has really improved my--I mean MY FRIEND's life. Albeit annoying to change your diet.
Just a thought. I hate to think of spoiled romantic interludes.