Mayonnaise Rages

This recipe for Wasabi Bloody Marys makes me wish I had plummeted a little deeper into my relationship with alcohol so I could wake up tomorrow morning and race out to the store and buy all the necessary ingredients and whip up a few.

Although I could not garnish it with pickled asparagus because Logan made me sign a prenuptial agreement which specifically limits the introduction of pickled products into our marriage. Dill pickles and sweet pickles are just barely acceptable, they must be quarantined in plastic food storage bags in the fridge away from the rest of our food. Other pickled vegetables require me to forfeit all claims to our joint marital property and assets and leave this home immediately with nothing but my pickled produce and the clothing on my back.

It seems harsh I realize, but you don't understand how deeply into Logan's soul the hatred of pickled products goes. Please, let's not even discuss his psychotic rages over anything resembling mayonnaise in any way.

I do have a love for pickled vegetables which is kind of unnatural but I limit my consumption to brunches at one of our favorite spots with a Bloody Mary Bar where I come back with my drink in one hand and 3 small plates piled high with all classes of pickled vegetables. Sometimes before I'm even done with my drink I go back up for even more. One day I'm going to ask for a Bloody Mary minus the tomato juice and I'll just add brine to my vodka.

Just imagine how bloated I would be by the end of that brunch. Go ahead, just imagine.

Comments

[emily]

ewwwww...I'm with Logan on this one....there is something very wrong with a pickled product.I mean...why did it need to be pickled to begin with?What's it hiding?lol

[Alissa]

There is nothing at all wrong with the pickled product!!! I even had poached pickled salmon at a brunch a few weeks ago... OMG...delicious!

But...if Pants has a hatred toward all things pickled, so be it.

That doesn't mean you can't enjoy that amazing sounding bloody mary - but I'd change a few things.. First off (and most importantly) use Clamato Juice (TM) rather than V8. Secondly, use celery for your garnish. Lastly, mix a little horseradish into the mixture. There... now you've got yourself a beverage!

[Melissa]

But it has wasabi, isn't that fiery enough?

That does it...I have to taste test it....maybe I'll hide the pickled produce in the linen closet.

[Pants]

Not by the linens I use!

[receptionista]

i'm with you M, i love me some pickled products. in fact, in my house growing up we had meals that consisted of "nibbles." this meant mom didn't want to cook or we didn't want to eat, so she would lay out a spread of pickled items (including but not limited to: gardinera, pickled sausages, and olives), cheese and crackers and we would go at it. i even love pickled eggs, and my sister called me the other night to tell me she had found spicy pickled brussel sprouts and i squealled like a goddamn girl. if it's pickled, the chances are good i'll eat it.

[Michelle]

Ha! I know how you feel, my husband can't stand anything pickled. But how can someone not like pickled beets? They're so delicious. I don't get it.

[jilbur]

What I don't get is how you could have married someone at all under those conditions. Either the pickled or the mayo would have been total dealbreakers for me. Your man must be totally smokin' to merit such a sacrifice, I'm only sayin'.

I luxuriate in the picklephilia that is my household. Even our 6 year old daughter loves capers. That said--the other day I found an absolutely terrifying canning jar with homemade pickled turnips in it. *shudder*

As for mayo--one of my current 'fantasy foods' is crispy oven-fries with pimenton [smoked paprika] mayonnaise.

[Melissa]

Jilbur- Your fantasy just described one of the rungs of my husbands hell.

[Melissa]

Receptionista: I read about the pickled brussel sprouts on someone's site and I never believed I could fantasize like this about brussel sprouts.

**Ploughman's Dinner is what we call that here, but sadly it's does not include pickled eggs or anything pickled really. And olives...how I adore olives....oh the bloating, the BLOATING!

[BusyMe]

What IS it with men and mayonnaise? My significant other can't be in the room if I'm putting mayo on a sandwich. It's just weird.

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ed note: You have no idea how this limits the enjoyment of my life. Potato salad in my house? NEVER! I hide the jar of mayonaisse if I use it in a recipe (not saying which recipes). Horrid!

[Mrs. Kennedy]

Pickled eggs? CLAMATO?!
*runs away screaming*

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ed note: Logan will hold you while you get over the shock of it all, he's as upset by it as you I think. Actually right now he's trying to pinpoint which recipes I secretly infiltrate with mayonaisse.

[Julia]

I am, glass in hand, able to assure you all that if you aren't drinking this Bloody Mary right now you are wasting your time. Just pushing the evening into a pile and burning it, frankly.

I sprinkled a little Old Bay seasoning on the icecubes and crammed in a dill pickle, a couple of olives and a hot pickled okra for good measure and it is Dee-licious. Truly. Best ever.

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ed note: Oh I hate you! Did you, or any one of you see Oprah yesterday? She RUINED my alcoholism for me. Ruined it. Snapped it in two! Oprah is dead to me.

[pinky]

Have you ever had the absurdly expensive pickled carrots in a jar? I think they are the "Hogue Farms" brand or something like that. They are so good...but I cannot rationalize paying five bucks for essentially carrots and vinegar!

I saw some at Target the other day, and now I keep thinking about them!

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ed note: Pinky! Two things I am forbidden to be near: Target and PICKLED PRODUCE! Why do you torture me!!!

[jilbur]

What I did not disclose is that my man is a recovering ovophobe. I have actually eye-witnessed him duck under a table when somebody unexpectedly took out a hard-boiled egg and started slicing it into a green salad (okay, this wouldn't be my favorite salad either, but I at least am not intimidated by it). He used to be this way about all eggs that had not entirely been emulsified into baked goods, but he's come around to the point that he will not only voluntarily eat, but of his own volition create, a frittata. But hard-boiled is still strictly verboten.

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ed note: That makes me wish I was afraid of hard boiled eggs. I think I'm going to fake it so I can duck under a table when one appears.

[nicer funier SIL]

I'll never forget my first 'A Pickle Is Touching My Sandwich' episode that I experienced with you and Pants - Zionsville, Indiana - Summer of 2000.
Fun Times.

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ed note: It was your first but it wasn't your last was it?

Please watch for a Very Special Suburban Bliss coming soon: 'A Pickle Is Touching My Sandwich: The Downward Spiral'

[Julia]

Wait a second. Somehow Oprah (Oprah?) has managed to deprive you of the goodness that is this Wasabi Bloody Mary? A drink that in a few short hours is already known hereabouts as the Suburban Bloody Blissful? Tsk tsk.

Obviously, I missed the Oprah in question, but how bad could it be? Here, drink this (I'll get you a nice pickled green bean to go with it) and tell me all about it...

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ed note: YES! I'll have to come up with some post about it...however, it's difficult to discuss things like alcoholism and 'problem drinking' without sounding like someone in deep denial. We'll see if I can work out something.

[alice]

The comments *in* the comments is so very unnerving. At first I thought everyone posting to your blog had multiple personalities. Then, of course, I realized who "ed" was. Hi, Ed!

Back to pickles. No one has mentioned kimchee.

Oooh, kimchee.

My husband also will not allow me to use mayonnaise, Nayonnaise, or any related eggy condiments. What's going on, here?

[Crystal]

You must be kidding me. I'm wondering why so many husbands are dictating what the hell they eat anyway. Mine has two choices. Eat what I cook, or take over the chef duties. And if he doesn't like what *I* eat (shellfish primarily, he's allergic, brings back horrific memories), he can go in another room until I'm done.

Well, ok, I'm not a completely heartless biatch, I do limit shellfish consumption on the home front. Limit, I said, limit! But only because the nasty shade of green he turns ruins my appetite anyway. DS and I love a chance to go out to dinner for some Mom/Son bonding time and indulge in freshly killed and cooked Dungeness until we grow our own pinscers.

Never thought I'd say this, but thank G-d for MIL. That boarding school experience sure made him a lot easier to deal with. He cleans even. Yes, G-d bless MIL....

[Melissa]

Wow Crystal, you're grouchy!

I guess I take my spouses dining preferences into consideration when I'm cooking since in reality I'm really cooking for him and I. Also, I kind of like him and I think his picky pants ways are sort of endearing in a really irritating way.

Finally, sometimes on this site....you will find that I overstate things for something called 'Comedic Effect'. This may surprise you: I don't have a prenup about Pickled Produce! Shocking I realize.

Your husband sounds like an absolute saint...and you won't believe this either: my husband cooks (not with mayonaisse) and cleans and does all the bathing of the children and puts one to bed while I do the other. He just happens to have a deep loathing of pickled products and mayonaisse.

[Crystal]

Grouchy? No! I, too, overstate for comedic effect, on occasion. The notion of all these husbands not allowing certain foods in the house amused me though. Mine would never think to do such a thing. In fact, he doesn't "forbid" at all. We're adults who respect each other, so forbid isn't a part of our couples vocabulary. Were it one husband, maybe two, preventing innocent pickles entrance into their abodes, that might be understandable, but it seems to be darn near the whole of your readers, or some interesting statistical fluke. FWIW, Do you really think the only reason I rarely eat shellfish at home (and in all honestly, when Dh is gone on the rare occasions I do eat it at home) is because the shade of green he turns puts me off my feed?

I do believe your husband cooks and cleans, in nosing around your site last night, I saw a very old post stating exactly that. Sounds a lot like mine. Great guys, those who know how to be partners, eh?

I do though, I really do, have to thank MIL... It must be the reason Lee will eat things I've burned beyond recognition, and tell me they're great. It must be why he'll eat what even I won't. At said boarding school, you ate, or went hungry. Since he, much like your common goat, will eat just enough of any food-like item, tasty or not, to sustain his body, I don't have to worry much about what I buy, and there are no forbidden foods. He really couldn't care less. Unless it's shellfish. Then we must hope the ambulances aren't at a donut shop far far away.

Crystal