Sleep Centered

I've decided to write a book about parenting. I have a few working titles.

'It's All About Sleep: Letting Sleep Guide You Through Parenting.'

"Making All Your Parenting Choices Based In Sleep"

"Raising Your Child In A Sleep Centered Household"

My three year old is still sleeping in a crib. Do you know why? Because I know that the minute he is not sleeping in a crib, he will be disrupting the very nice sleep plan we have going. So I've decided he'll have to stay in his crib until he's a teenager and I have to yell at him to 'Get out of bed and do something' at noon every weekend.

I know this decision seems a little selfish of me, since he might really like sleeping in a bed, but I'm just not ready to lose any sleep for the transition.

He still has a binky, he uses it at night and I can't see taking it away from him because doing so will result in quite a few sleepless nights and like I said, I like to make all the big decisions about my children based mainly on the amount of sleep I'll get.

I started thinking about my book when a friend and I were discussing her new baby and how he sleeps so much better on his tummy than on his back.

I admitted a dirty little secret of mine, my babies slept on their tummies.

It's not something I talk about a lot, not because I'm particularly ashamed of the choice, but because I worry someone will hear that I let my babies sleep on their tummies and they will then think it's a great idea to let their babies sleep on their tummies and let's say the unspeakable happens and then I'm left feeling like an asshole for saying it was a great idea.

So, I just don't talk about it but it's kind of a drag they haven't figured out what causes Sudden Infant Death because I really don't believe it's the tummy sleeping thing. Because if babies were supposed to sleep on their backs why the hell do they startle themselves awake all the time? And why would biology torture us by giving us such peaceful babies on their tummies who die because of it and such restless babies on their backs who don't sleep very well?

But you know, until I start my research foundation and discover what the real cause of SIDS is, then I can't actually endorse the shameful practice of putting your baby to sleep on it's tummy.

But I did it and I'll have to put it in my book because, for me, it's all about the sleep. But I'll have to put it in there with a whole bunch of disclaimers and the footnote/disclaimers will take up half the book.

In my book I'll talk about how I fed my babies Poisonous And Evil Formula, even though I know how great breast milk is for them. Even though I know how natural it is. Even though it is actually easier to breast feed your baby once you get the hang of it and you don't have to pack bottles to travel and you don't have to wash bottles and you don't have to mix the EVIL formula each and every night. I'll make sure to tell people how great breastfeeding is in my book.

I realize I'm evil because I gave up after the 87th strike of the hammer on my nipple. I know I'm a terribly selfish person because I felt like the forceps and the 40 some odd stitches was enough pain really. I know that I'm weak minded because I really liked the comfort of knowing that my baby had eaten exactly 4 ounces and so I wasn't guessing if she was hungry or tired. Since she ate 4 oz twenty minutes earlier, I knew she was most likely tired. I also know I'm going to hell because I liked that formula took about 3-4 hours to digest and breast milk appeared to take about 30 minutes.

I mean I realize now I have retarded and sickly children who will never get into the ivy league, but God Damn it I'm well rested, and like the title of my book warns...I have a sleep centered household. If you're going to be a Sleep Centered Parent, you're going to have to make some really tough choices.

When my book hits the stands, they'll probably keep it in brown wrapping behind the counter with the porn because really it's shameful to care so much about sleeping when you're supposed to be just plain happy about raising the miracle you just birthed.

But I believe people will buy the book anyway, even though they'll have to mumble at the clerk that they'd like that, uhm, sleep centered book and they'll shove it into their bag so no one can see it and they'll take it home and furtively glance through it when no one is looking.

And when I write my book, we'll all start a secret society and we'll have zzz's tattooed on our asses and we'll have a secret handshake and we'll share our passion for sleep and our dirty little secrets, because there are lots of people like me. People who love sleep, people who think it's at the foundation of a good or bad day of parenting.

Because we all know everyone is a better parent after 8 hours of sleep than they are after 2.

Comments

[britt]

praise ye!!! i let my 7 week old sleep on his tummy....he eats formula....and he sleeps all the time.... here do i sign up for the zzzz's tatoo? i love it!!!

[Amy]

OK, that was hilarious and I'm one of those sleep-depraved moms who would never let their child sleep on their tummy, breastfed until I cried and cried and cried and then cried when I fed her the EVIL formula because she was crying and crying and crying and I didn't know why because I didn't know how much she had eaten. Yeah, please publish that book soon because with #2 on the way, I think I'm gonna need some sleep ;)

[Lisa]

2+ weeks & he's STILL sleeping on his tummy! LOL

2+ weeks & I'm STILL getting my nipples stapled by the stapling gun. (I was WRONG when I said it was getting better. I was teased...in a VERY bad way)

2+ weeks & I'm STILL getting 2 hrs/sleep at a time. And today he blessed us w/ sleeping 4+ hrs during the day. WTF can't he do that at night????

Lisa

[Pants]

A husband/father who needs minimal sleep and is content to have the EVIL wife/mother do ALL the sleeping in is a big part of the sleep centered household...

============================================
Ed Note: Of course that's the price one pays when they have a saintly wife who is totally cool with her husband going to the bar until 2am about once a week.

[Nicole]

Just so you know, the whole reason I know I'm not ready to have children is that my favorite activity is sleeping and I'm not ready to give that up. Nothing frightens me more than the thought of only getting 2 hours of sleep a night. THANK YOU for providing tips on how I can preserve my favorite hobby. When you publish that book, I'll be sure to buy two copies.

[beerzie boy]

You know, about breast feeding: it's always tastier on tap. How would you like your beer mixed from powder? (Ignoring for a moment the fact that All Beer Is Good.)

[Christie]

Hear hear, sister!

[Busy Mom]

Binky and a tummy sleeper at my house, too!

[Crystal]

Since I'm going back and reading all this, I am wondering if you and I are related. We just have way too many things in common, love of sleep being one of them. My children are used to Mommy sleeping in, and thankfully, my hubby is like yours, let's me snooze away. :)

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[Ax & Malice]

A great posting....talk about reality parenting...

Check out this link though about a possible cause of SIDS..

"http://www.johnleemd.com/store/art_sids.html"

Keep up the the good parenting....ZZZzzz

Ax & Malice