You Can't Fight Biology

Madison's been telling me a little boy in her class has been picking on her, teasing her. Now honestly, I have learned to temper my blinding Mother Bear instincts, unless there are tears.

If there are tears then I want to tear the rotten child apart limb by limb and serve him over noodles with a lovely merlot for dinner. If I sense pain from my daughter then biology takes over and I can't be held accountable for my actions.

When she started complaining about "Eric"* making fun of her, I clenched my teeth in the front seat as I drove down the road and said calmly, "Sometimes people need a little help remembering to be nice to one another." The entire Reality TV Phenomenon is proof of this fact. Madison and I talked about what we should say to "Eric" about how he was acting. Things like, "Eric, you aren't acting very nice and you're making me feel bad. Please stop it."

Obviously, this approach hasn't worked, it's been three weeks and she still hates "Eric" and she wants to wear long sleeve shirts to school in 80 degree weather so "Eric" won't make fun of the hair on her arms. (That stupid little asshole)

See, this is where my Mother Bear takes over and I start to imagine saying things like, "I know Eric is a mean little boy, but he wasn't breastfed." (Never mind she wasn't either...we're talking about ERIC now) and "This is going to shock you, but I think Eric's parents are Republicans." I also told her we could email him this
and my personal favorite, "I have a great idea! Tomorrow at kindergarten you march right up to Eric and tell him you will 'Fuck Him Up' if he doesn't start being polite."

But really I think it might be better to teach my daughter some more civilized ways of dealing with idiots, since I'm sure he's simply the first in a long line of idiots she'll have to deal with. I guess I'll talk with the teacher and give her the awkward job of asking "Eric's" mother** to teach her son how to be nice to other people.

However, I swear to God if I run into this little bully in a dark alley I will totally make fun of all those freckles and I'll call him a Republican to his face and then he'll see how it feels.

*"Eric" is actually his name but I thought I'd pretend to use a fake name to protect his identity but then after thinking for a little longer I decided to out him as the 6 year old bully he really is.

**I hate his mother. At our last class field trip as her son ran wild around the theatre like a God Damn Jack Ass she kept looking at him in this adoring way saying "My God you are so adorable!" over and over and I wanted pull his pants down and spank him...actually I wanted to spank the both of them.

It's cool she thinks her kid is adorable, she can think he's the fuckng Messiah, but I'd want to spank Jesus if he acted like a savage in a public place. How about we gain control over our child and then, when he's behaving as though he is human we tell him how God Damn Adorable he is?

Did I mention I think they're Republican?

Comments

[Mieke]

You had me guffawing! I am still laughing as I type. Thanks.

[Mieke]

You had me guffawing! I am still laughing as I type. Thanks.

[aurora]

i hate jack ass parents!
someone had to hold me back when this dink dad at my son's swim class said to his daughter:
"check out the ears on that kid" (referring to MY boy!)
i got so furious, thinking - if a PARENT would tease my son about his ears in front of his child, what kind of message is he sending his daughter?? its totally ok to be beligerent and rude!!
pff! i wanted to yell: "oh yah?? what kind of name is MANHATTAN?! (daughter's name)" but i felt like i had to set the responsible parent example for my little guy.
they were probably republicans, too.

[jilbur]

A while back the Jellybean and I were in the car listening to the a kid's radio show, where they had a bullying expert on and the kids were calling in talking about their experiences with bullies and what they had tried. All the stuff they tried was what I had suggested to the Jellybean to do (Tell him you don't like it and you want him to stop ... Walk away and go play with someone else ... etc.) And guess what? Everthing I'd suggested to her? Wrong! The bullying expert said, Bullies don't give a rat's heiner if you don't like what they do--that's what they want! Bullies know that they're hurting your feelings when you pretend to ignore them! They're evil!
Well. She didn't say that last one. That was what the psychology community calls 'projection.'
Anyway, it appears that it takes adults to stop bullying, period. If a kid is really a bully, they're not really responsive to peers--that's kind of mostly what bullying is all about. They need real intervention.

[Melissa]

You mean I can corner him in a dark alley and call him a "Freckle Nosed Republican"?

I sent a note to school yesterday and spoke with the teacher on the phone yesterday afternoon. We'll see what she can do about Adorable Little Eric.

[jilbur]

You absolutely have my permission to verbally harangue the little snot, and if anyone comes around asking questions--send them to me and I will mess their action up.

To be more precise, the boring old psychologist's suggestion is that an adult needs to say to the child, 'I see what you're doing--that's bullying and it is totally not okay--and if you don't cut it out there's gonna be some consequences for you.'

But what fun would that be?

[Melissa]

As Max would say, "BOR-ingggg".

Parents never get to have any fun.

[Wendy]

It's obvious that Eric is actually wildly in love with your daughter and making fun of her is the only way he knows how to express it. I mean, he is giving her attention, even if it makes her feel bad, right? So, next time he comments on your daughter's arms have her say, "I'm sorry, Eric, but I'm not interested in being your girlfriend." Make sure she says it really loud so that all the other kids can hear, too.
If that doesn't stop the bullying, I'm all for teaching her some wrestling moves.

[Marissa]

Holy crap, I got teased about the hair on my arms when I was in middle school. They called me "Monkey," and no - the teachers never helped, not once. I think teachers feel that bullying is a normal part of growing up. Heck, I even had one bitch teacher tell me that the "kids don't like you not wearing socks with your shoes," which was totally the style back then (Keds and no socks). Then, when I told that same teacher that the "kids want to beat me up after school," she told me (and I am not even fucking kidding you), "don't be a tattle-tale!" BIOTCH!
So, the hairy arms deal was a sad one for me too. My mom even asked me if I wanted to bleach it - but I refused. I realized that I wasn't the one with the problem, the bullies were.
I like Wendy's suggestion about outing him as a crush. I also like teasing back, saying "aww, poor Eric, your mommy doesn't love you, does she? You don't know how to be nice to people, huh? I bet your dad doesn't even tell you that he loves you. You suck!"
Or, perhaps one day you can get your daughter to tell Eric "talk is cheap, Eric. Put up yer dukes! And don't pee your pants when you get whupped by a girl!"

[Texas T-Bone]

Only people WITHOUT hair on their arms are total freaks and should be ridiculed.

OK, not really. I think names speak volumes about children – somehow they fit the monikers parents give them. My apologies to the other "Erics" out there, but to me that name reminds me of undereducated mommas boys who stick french fries up their noses and wee wee wee all the way home.

[Lil' Sis]

I would agree part of it is a crush. I had guy hit on me (he was prolly about 28, but he worked in a gas station, so I equate him with a kindergartener- I am so open-minded.) and then tell me I had to shave my arms. Because the regrowth stubble is so much more enticing. My dear niece was cursed with another fun family trait- we have hair. And unfortunately, it's dark. She can look forward to a long and fruitful relationship with my best friend, Tweezerman. But the fact that we have great legs (yes, even you, Lis, have good legs) helps make up for it.
Miao.

P.S.- When all else fails, "You're only making me stronger" is at least funny to say.

[Helene]

LOL- We have an 'eric' in my 4 year-old daughter's class too!

[Joye]

Let me just start by saying that I HATE *ERIC*!! What a little shit that kid is. I agree with Wendy, Madison should reply with the whole "I don't want to be your girlfriend!" routine.

My daughter, also named madison, was being harassed by another child in her daycare. She told me this child kept throwing mulch at her during recess. I tried everything I could to get it to stop. Finally I told the kid to stop myself - nicely of course, but I left it open for interpretation. she has not picked up a piece of mulch since.
I hope that this gets better, and tell Madi to keep her chin up!

[kalisah]

I remember this problem in first grade. There was a Japanese-American boy in my class named Yoyo and he picked on me unmercifully.

My mom used to give me that "he's-just-doing-it-because-he-likes-you" response. Which frustrated the hell out of 6-year-old-me and made me think that either: 1) my mom was completely insane, or 2) there was NO WAY she understood how mean he was to me.

Course, my mom didn't give me any great defense strategies like yelling "No, Yoyo! I will NOT be your girlfriend!" so maybe you'll have better luck than she did.

And BTW, I couldn't begin to tell you today what it was Yoyo used to tease me about. So chances are your daughter won't be permanently scarred.

[Anne]

Of course these people are Republicans. They are the same people who blow through red lights in their gas-guzzling SUVs and pick-ups. They cheat on their taxes and their spouses and cut in line and bully adults and kids alike. Oh, and steal elections, let's not forget.

I say let's pack Eric off to Congress where he belongs.

[Marcia]

Well, I'm a Republican and I'm actually very nice, refuse to drive an SUV and also give my whole-hearted approval for you to tell Eric that you "will Fuck Him Up if he doesn't start being polite." (You can always feign innocence if he tells on you.)

[Melissa]

I mean Republican in the stereotypical way, not so much the specific individual person type of way. Heh.

I picture the conversation going like this:

"Look here Eric, leave Madison alone or I will fuck you up."

Later, speaking to police officer, principal and Eric's mother, "What? Right, you never tell him you'll fuck him up? Well, maybe that's the problem."

[Marcia]

Cool, glad that I'm still welcome here, cause you are one of the most talented bloggers out there and I love reading your posts (and sometimes leaving comments). :)

[Jenn]

I say you sick Max on him. Nothing sends fear into a kid more than a "gay" toddler prancing in socks, pushing a pink stroller saying, "I am SO going to Fuck You Up of you continue to jack with my sister."

I mean, seriously, that will mess up little Eric for quite a long while, if you ask me.

[Sam]

What about the truth: "Eric, you have a rice dick and you have become tiresome."

Sorry, but also a Republican trait, and not just a stereotype.

[Pants]

Max isn't "gay"
He's metrosexual, like his Dad...