My Own Job

If I'd read this before I had children I would not have understood it at all. I would have thought this was some run down mother who didn't know how to keep it together.

I've said for quite a few years now: I love my children, I just don't necessarily love the day to day work of raising them. When I complain about that simple fact, the simple fact that raising a child is not fun all the time. It's not always profound and awe inspiring. In fact, most of it is anything but miraculous. When I have said this in the past I have actually been asked, in a mean spirited way meant to cause me personal grief, "Why did you even have children?"

Here's a tip: Never say that to anyone who has a uterus.

I've had several mean spirited things said to me, mostly by my in laws, but that sentence questioning pretty much everything I've built my life around, has caused me such intense pain I can't even put it into words.

I have several friends who are nearly constantly entertained and awed by their children and I am so envious of their ability to see mostly positive even in the ugliest moments of parenthood. The things that make me feel like hurling myself from a window seem not to affect them. I envy that ability.

It's not my reality. It doesn't mean I don't love my children...it means my experience raising them is more complex and it is textured in a way that is much more multi tiered.

It doesn't mean I shouldn't have had children as someone once kindly suggested to me. It simply means I must learn to accept the complexity of my life. I have to accept that having a family wasn't the neat package I had expected it to be. It never will be.

I am allowed to talk about it without having to defend my fierce and true love for my children. I am allowed to hate the work and I can still love the children and the family I have created.

I once asked my therapist if it was really all that crazy that I didn't like dealing with tantrums and constipation and crying and sleepless nights. She said, no it wasn't crazy. But regular people accept the whole thing as part of the package.

I think as my children have gotten older I have actually begun to accept all of this experience, but it's not surprising it all took me off guard. It's not surprising I had hoped the overwhelming love I have for my children would practically erase the mind numbing experience of the day to day work of raising children.

It just doesn't. Both things have to exist at the same time and honestly it kind of sucks.

Comments

[deb]

This post really had me nodding my head, agreeing with every word. I swear, if I hear a certain person who shall remain nameless [but may have given birth to my husband] say "Well, you wanted another kid" one more time, I will lose it. I didn't sign of to this whole motherhood thing thinking it was going to be a walk in the park, so why am I expected to act as if it is? If I'm expected to keep my mouth shut and nod and make sympathetic noises about someone else's trials and tribulations with a store clerk, why can't that person do the same when I'm venting about my kids?

Sorry, went on a little tirade there.

[Rubber-Sol]

Thank you so much for sharing that. Now I don't feel so bad about feeling so pissy about having a crappy day w/ my kids. . . .I really did wake up thinking we'd have a "happy" day. I'm so not alone in this *whew!*

[jilbur]

Between you and Dooce, a blog entry sprang full-born into my head. You're dead on--there is an overwhelming force-field of coersion out there against mothers daring to acknowledge ambivalence about the full spectrum of The Mothering Experience. That's the really oppressive aspect--the notion that there's something freakish about feeling that way.

[Jean]

Lis, every mother has bad moments (days, weeks, months or in my case, years) with their kids. The ones who say they didn't are in denial. You just need to find the appropriate "ear" to vent to. Some people have a hard time admitting being human. Call me, I'm reeeaaalllyyy human. Tex

[Jennifer]

Any time I want to vent about various "mommy" issues - I always feel like I have to preface it with things like: "please understand that I adore my child like I never imagined possible... *however*..." - just in case there's someone out there that doesn't "get it". But I think anyone who's "been there" knows what it's like.

[Patti]

Didn't you read the disclaimer? It clearly stated that despite feeling for her offspring fierce love and indescribable adoration, a mother will also have many, many, mind-numbing, please-don't-say-another-word, WHY don't you LISTEN to me?!?, wouldn't you like to read a different book How about THIS one instead?, stop WHINING already, boogers belong on kleenex not on my pants days. Damned fine print. Gets you every time.

[Christie]

But regular people accept the whole thing as part of the package.

Oh.

[Arwen]

Melissa, I think it's great that you're willing to acknowledge that motherhood, and life in general, are not perfect experiences. I think that people who claim to be happy and never show signs of frustration or sadness are fooling themselves. Your joy in and love for your family seem much deeper because you are willing to admit that sometimes you struggle for them.

[bj]

me too. i've tried to write on this theme before (no blog, just letters to myself). the theme is, "when did you want to become a mother?" my answer is never. I am a mother; I have a daughter and a son. But, I do not find being a mother to be the central identifying principle of my life. I am also a scientist and a teacher, and occasionally, a writer, and a gardner, and an artist. I love my children, but they are only one of the centers of my universe. Why does that statement have to be premised by the promise that I love my children?

No one expects the answer of every father to be "the most important moment in my life was when my children were born, smiled, talked, whatever."

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[hulahulagirl]

I don't have kids, but if I did I would totally be feeling this. That's probably one of the reasons I don't have them, actually. Interesting read.