Preschool Prozac

First of all, I really have to send out a big thank you to whomever has been lacing Max's drinking water with Prozac. It really seems to have taken effect in the last five days and I'm suddenly remembering who he is.

I'm only exaggerating a little when I tell you that last week I was thinking about running away from home and leaving a scathing letter for Max to read so he'd know how it was all his fault I had to leave.

Dear Max,

At two and a half years old I started to realize we might not be compatible as people. Yes, before that you had that reflux thing and then you refused to sleep through the night for an entire year. All that admittedly pissed me off, but you were a baby so I got over it.

At two and a half, you weren't being very nice. We went up north for a week and you tried very hard, night and day to ruin our vacation. At about two and three quarters, you seemed to make a sincere effort to change. I appreciated that, did I not tell you? I thought I did. But now, all the sudden you've relapsed and I can no longer accept this abuse.

The yelling and screaming and the dramatically emotional responses to the most benign things. You are completely unstable emotionally. It's all just totally unacceptable.

Plus, I hate to bring it up because I know you're already sensitive about it, but this poop thing. I'm happy you're starting to go, but when I prayed for you to poop I didn't mean for you to poop 6-10 times a day, just enough to smell so bad there is no choice but to change you. Then 5 minutes later I hear you grunting and pushing out another tiny smelly bit. Look, I know you're just trying to piss me off.

The potty training thing, the binky, the middle of the night calling me to say, "I just really want to cuddle in the living room and watch a video." I know I'm not the nicest mommy ever, but asking me to watch Shrek at 2am? Please don't pretend not to realize this is totally out of line.

I can't change you, but I can change my responses to you. So I'm leaving.

Good luck, Mommy.

Thankfully before I could send this note to Max, the medicine appears to have kicked in.

It might not be Prozac laced drinking water which has caused this miraculous change in my son. On Saturday, we (I mean Logan) were talked into buying Cheetos for the kids. We never have Cheetos in this house. Not because we're health food people (Logan is, but not the rest of us) but because I can't stand that orange crud on your fingers and I also can't stand how once you allow one to pass through your lips....55 follow and you walk around for a week wearing the signs of your addiction on your fingertips.

My children are absolutely Pavlovian with the Cheetos. Even typing the word makes my daughter's ears perk up. They can't get enough. If I were to grind up Cheetos and sprinkle them over the top of any food deemed inedible by my unbelievably picky children, they would probably eat every last bit for that yummy cheesy goodness. They'd probably lick the plate when they were done too.

It is entirely plausible that the Cheetos have brought my son back from the depths of mental illness. They ate the last of the Cheetos today...I guess we'll see where the mood goes from here. I'm not against a daily Cheeto dose if it means 'Happy Max' will stay with us.

He's happy and cheerful and when he is happy and cheerful he just looks nicer. When he's being the 'Bad Max' he looks like the kind of little boy who would kick a puppy. He's that kid you see at the market and think, "My God, that woman has no control over that child." or even better, "When I have kids, they won't behave like that."

Believe me they will. Probably not as often as Max...but sometimes they will act like little maniacs and you will stand there thinking you must have gotten the wrong baby at the hospital.

I'm not cringing all day everyday wondering what is going to set him off. Granted this has only been the case since Saturday and I'm sure his illness will come back. But I'm enjoying the remission. It's so much easier to be the selfless caregiver I am required to be when I actually like the little people I am caring for.

Am I right or am I right?

Comments

[Marissa]

Yeah - you are right. My little sisters were either going through the angelic, giggly, bubbly phases, or the inconsolable crying phases. I like the bubbly phases better. Funny how, in the old home videos of them, you only see that bubbly side - never the crying fits of rage and frustration. Seems a little biased to me. I mean, I would like to see some of their drama on tape. Fighting for toys, screaming out "I need PRI-VA-CY!!" while trying to use the toilet and the door is wide open.
Maybe the excitment from Cheeto consumption is working his heartrate up, and thus he's more wiped out and relaxed for the rest of the day. You should ask him.

[emily]

So,what you are saying is,I should buy stock in Cheetos?'Cause it's going to see a significant increase...

[mumsie]

Hang in there - this too shall pass. My son has just recently finished the terrible two stage (he's four) ...

My advice - buy Cheetos in bulk. ;) Says the bad mummy, who buys her kid an oatmeal chocolate chip cookie everyday so that we can make it home without her son going apophletic on the subway. And I said he was over the terrible two stage?

[kalisah]

See...everyone used to tell me how lucky I was with my son. How sweet & even-tempered he was. And I said, "Yeah. That's how God tricks you into having another one." But the joke was on God. I stopped after just one.

[Melissa]

Heh. I'm a glutton for punishment.

Probably I'd be a more patient and even keeled person without Max....but, I realize how clichéd this is to say, I could never live without him.

If you ever heard him say, with his little 3 year old voice, "Shut your pie hole!" You would totally understand why.

[jenB]

Ultimately, I am mostly afraid of the baby becoming a teenager. Perhaps that is a premature fear though. . .

[monique]

so i either start feeding my demon, i mean, son cheetos or i get you to bottle some of that water and send it to me... hmmm. and all this time i just thought it was me needing calgon.

[Melissa]

Jen, I have found it most effective to worry about things long before they happen. The stress it brings me is almost always worse than the actual event.

I like to get the most out of my worry!

[Tonya]

Hmmm, most curious. Are you sure you didn't give birth to another boy 18 months ago? And then had him sent to my house? I think I may have your other child. We named him Reagen, if you're curious, and he's as cute as they come but he causes me to sigh. A lot.

Oh well, don't they say that challenging children turn out to be great adults? (They do say that, right?)

Let me know if you'd like me to send back your child-

Tonya

(By the way, love your blog! Your recent post about your daughter's kindergarten bully made me want to throttle Eric, which would have been difficult since I was spewing beer out of my nose due to the laughing.)

[Lee]

i think your son and my daughter are related. You didn't have an affair with my wife a couple of years ago did you? I'm taping your letter to my daughters bedroom doors, and signing it "love daddy".

[Marissa]

Did you all see that article a few months back about the airline steward who was lacing toddlers' apple juice with a sedative?
http://www.newsmax.com/archives/articles/2003/11/12/144713.shtml

[Christie]

Where's this preschool? I wanna send Jack there.

[jenB]

I like to worry about things way ahead too. Just last night I was concerned about when I get cancer and how upset Charlotte will be and hopefully I die so she doesn't have to put me in a home and I hope I go before her dad and ohmygod put me out of my misery. :-) I worry therefore I am - lost Descartes manifesto.

[Melissa]

Lee: The thing is all these naughty genes obviously come from Logan's side of the family tree. So I don't know...did you and my husband have an affair a couple of years ago? ;-)