Sexcort

I've mentioned Logan and his automobile before. He hates his car and has endured owning it for the last 12 years. It was never our intention to have this car for 12 years, but then we thought we only had to raise these kids until they were done drinking from bottles and that turned out to be untrue too.

(Please note the unfortunate siding choice on my neighbor's home, yellow with brown. Why? Who says, 'Oh, wow! Brown and yellow together! Our house will look like the insides of a rest stop toilet!' Apparently grandmotherly lesbian types think that, but I still don't get it.)

The car, we affectionately call the Sexcort (for no reason really...seriously), has been very good to us. It's been reliable and hasn't cost us much to keep up. Well it hasn't cost us much money. It has cost Logan all his pride but what a small price to pay for the joy of just one car payment.

The car is showing it's age obviously after twelve years. Logan bought it a year after we started dating and I immediately went to work trying to ruin his car. I have swiped the front end of that car on walls, other cars and guard rails in 13 different states. I don't think I've had an accident in the car while actually driving but it seems while driving slowly or parking I am compelled to bash the car into whatever is close by.

I also have a history of vomiting in Logan's car. The first time was sort of understandable. We foolishly celebrated my 21st birthday in Ann Arbor. On the drive back home, 50 miles away, I vomited out the window all over the side of the car and in my hair. It was 50 miles, I think that's a long way for a novice drinker to refrain from vomiting.

The second time, the car made me vomit after Logan's office holiday dinner (just months after the first incident). I began vomiting out the window and something went terribly wrong and the vomit ended up in the backseat.

My God Logan was angry after that one. I mean big deal! So your drunk 21 year old girlfriend can't handle the sauce? Whoop-ti-do. Actually, I couldn't believe he didn't leave me right then and there. I was horrified....well I was mostly really drunk....but the next morning I was horrified.

I was so horrified that 3 years later when he asked me to marry him I actually said, "Don't you remember that time I vomited all over your car?" I guess he forgave me and so did the car because that stupid little Escort simply will not die.

It's been bashed against things, vomited all over, crushed under the motor of an automated gate, it's even had a large unidentified flying piece of metal slice the sideview mirror off narrowly missing my loving husband's head. It just keeps going!

It's so difficult to justify purchasing another car when we have one that works just fine. Even for me and I am very very good at justifying frivilous expenditures. I'm typing on one right this minute!

It's time though. We looked up the blue book value for the 'scort and I think the numbers must be off. I mean, this car has stories! This car is as old as our coupling! This car has shared in some of our biggest arguments and our most dramatic make ups.

This car has a sense of humor! Surely that has value!

Comments

[jenB]

If I visit, you don't have to pick me up at the airport, I will take a cab. No trouble. Really.

[emily]

I had a '89 escort,and it had the auto seatbelts.Well,somehow it malfunctioned and I would be driving down the road while my seatbelt make 50 trips,zipping back and forth.

[jilbur]

Hey--I have a great idea! You and I can go out on the town, to all the best nightspots. Over drinks, we can trade stories: you can tell me all the Sexcort lore, and I can tell you about my fabulous year with Howie and his 1975 Grenada, before it (thank you, God!) expired.

And then, when you're drunk, I'll give you a big hug and a kiss, and call you a cab--'cause Febreze can only do so much.

[Melissa]

I must clarify something. I have not vomited in a vehicle since December of 1994. It took me a little time to learn the modulation technique, it's not so much a 'habit'.

I haven't vomited from drinking too much since....well, let's just leave that alone.

[heather]

Logan must REALLY love you. Marrying you after doing that to his car. ;)

[jilbur]

Melissa sweetie, I kid because I love ...
I would transport you anywhere in my vehicle--totally shickered or stone cold sober, or anywhere in between. But watch out for the handfuls of greasy crumbs scattered everywhere by the Jellybean ...

[Lil' Sis]

I am reconsidering taking the Sexcort off your hands... but I've done worse than vomit in MY Lil' Red Sexcort and I am still driving it around.
Does the vomit smell never, ever go away, like how the smell of a dead body will never leave a car? (not that I would know... stay away from my car!) Because that kind of vomit is really just a dead "Good Time."
Miao.

[aurora]

my house has yellow siding with brown trim. seriously!! and i am too poor right now to change it. but i too wonder - "who the hell dreamed up that colour combo???" ugh.

[Julia]

Right now I am trying to think of a car I haven't thrown up in...

Nope. Drawing a blank.

And I refuse to even be drawn into this discussion, as it is obvious to me that the whole 'Sexcort' (Sex Court - Melrose Place! sorry, it just came to me) entry was just a thinly-veiled excuse to make fun of people in yellow houses with brown trim. I for one will have none of it.

[Renee]

I, too, threw up in my husband-to-be's car. He actually cleaned it up the next morning.

We've been married for 11 years!

[jilbur]

Soooooo Julia .... tell us about your house exterior ... ?
mbwaahahaha ...
C'mon now. I, willy-nilly (never thought I'd get to use that phrase in a blog comment), ended up living in a cotton-candy pink (or maybe it was Pepto-Bismal pink--6/half doz) house with brilliantly purple shutters for a couple of years. It was our first house. The people who owned it before us painted it that way right when they put it up for sale. Apparently they hadn't learned the 'neutral decor' rule of residential real estate marketing. They went in for whimsy. We referred to it as Barbie's Dream House. The bedroom later occupied by the Jellybean was painted maroon--including the ceiling--and had an absolutely terrifying Lion King mural on one of the walls. Needless to say, I started that paint job the day after the closing--my daughter would not have closed an eye in that bedroom if she had once caught a glimpse of it. Or worse, she might have actually liked the mural.

[briantologist]

Man, what is it about the Sexcorts that they don't freakin' die? My bestest pal and his lovely wife have had the same one for about eight years (it's a truly remarkable shade of lipstick pink, and it came that way from the factory), and they've put like 230,000 miles on it. And it's still fucking running. I think it's a cruel joke by Ford that they make their crappiest little car their longest-lived. Come to think of it, that's pretty funny, Ford. Good work on that.

[jessteronimo]

FORD. Found On Road Dead? I think NOT. The third car I ever owned was a Ford Tempo. When it got to the point that most cars break down (115K miles), I gave it to my sister thinking she'll get 6 months out of it. Six years later, it's still going!