The Stop Complaining Light Is Coming On.

People sometimes say, 'I don't want to judge....but.....' and they proceed to judge someone or something. Whenever I hear that combination of words the hair on my neck stands up and I wish they'd just openly judge things without the disclaimer because if you don't want to judge then just don't.

If you do want to judge someone else, then just do it and be a bitch about it because judging others is kind of bitchy. Which is fine. Being bitchy sometimes is fine. Honestly, I can not really be your friend if you aren't openly bitchy at least some of the time, because then I just think you're far too nice to be my friend.

Similarly, I hate when people say, 'I hate to complain....but.....' and they proceed to complain.

So, I'm just going to complain. I'm not going to apologize for it. I'm not going to preface it with a lot of bull shit reminders of how truly blessed I am and how things could be so much worse. So don't email me with your tale of woe and tell me how I am the most negative person you've ever read and I should just be Fucking Happy my life isn't a whole lot shittier.

You were probably not shit upon in the last week, and I hate to judge you...but until you have fecal matter not of your own creating on your person, you can just shut the hell up and go back and be thankful for all the bounteous gifts the lord has given you.

In January I was ripped from the happy womb of my financial denial. I've had to face the facts of our bleak financial situation.

Unfortunately, it's clearly shitty as all hell. It's like a sinking ship and I'm standing on the deck and holding on to the rail as one end sinks and people around me are being thrown from the deck like little insects and Logan's screaming "I'm the king of the world!" because he's optimistic like that.

I think this might be at the core of my entire shitty attitude currently. This feeling that we're sinking no matter how optimistic Logan is and no matter how hard I cling to the ship, we're sinking. No matter how many coupons I clip and how I ration the fruit snacks and the beer, no matter how many times I turn down lunch outings with friends....this ship is going down.

I tease Logan for being such an optimist in the face of this bleak reality forming before our eyes, but really I married him for his optimism (and his eyelashes, have I ever talked about his eyelashes before?) so it's really not fair for me to make fun of him for trying to hold tight and ride this ride with grace. However, when I'm clinging to this rail and I'm watching the people plunging down around me into the icy cold waters of financial ruin...I can help but say to him, 'You do realize that isn't a hot tub down there, don't you?'

He does, he just chooses to believe something will happen and we'll fix things. I love him for it and really if he turned into the hysteric maniac I am about 87% of the time we would be horribly incompatible.

This reminds me of a night many years ago we stayed in a hotel in a little beach community on the west side of the state. In the night I woke up to the sounds of the fire alarms going off. I jumped from the bed to see what was happening and when I opened the door to the hall IT WAS FULL OF SMOKE.

I woke up everyone in the room by screaming, "OH MY GOD OH MY GOD! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!! WE"RE GOING TO BE BURNED ALIVE!!!! WE HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE!!!! OH MY GOD!!!!!!"

Then I walked around the room unsure how to prepare for a death by burning. As I paced around, I kept screaming, "I DON"T WANT TO DIE!!!!"

All the while, everyone else remained very calm as I had a complete come apart about the FIRE RIGHT OUTSIDE THIS ROOM AND WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!!

Finally someone, I think my future brother-in-law, slapped me right across the face (something I'm sure he'd like to do again actually) just like in the movies and told me to calm the fuck down. I did. I at least started muttering about our impending doom more quietly.

It turned out there was no fire and the smoke I saw in the hallway was the result of some teenagers playing with the fire extinguisher.

Also, it's like that time in 2000 when we went white water rafting in Virginia with friends. As we got our safety lesson before heading out I realized, I could potentially fall out of this boat and be thrown against rocks and hit my head and drown on this trip.

For the entire ride my stomach was one big knot and I clung to the cooler strapped into the boat. As we rode fast rapids I threw myself on the floor of the boat and held onto whatever was available, a cord, an oar, a stranger's leg.

At one point people got out of the boat and rode the rapids with their BODIES. Obviously I said no thank you and wedged myself in the corner of the boat for safety.

So it's not entirely uncommon for me to totally freak out in moments of stress and strain and this tends to make me unable to cope with the daily stresses of being on a sinking ship.

A few things are becoming clear as I've opened my eyes to look at this sinking ship without the glasses of denial I've had firmly planted on my face for the last 5 years. I've realized a few things about myself and these things aren't entirely flattering and it's making me uncomfortable and a little (a lot) depressed.

I think this is at the core of my current inability to do much of anything but whine and complain and feel depleted. It could also be the fact that it's so humid in this house even my computer feels soggy. It could also be the fact that no matter what I do, there's always more to do and it makes this work very thankless and sometimes that feels more hopeless than others. It might also be the fact that my mattress has become completely unsupportive of my love of sleep. We're unable to rest comfortably and instead we're waking up all night having incoherent arguments.

I swear to you, the other night an argument went like this:

Him: [Gets up to check on screaming child]
Me: [Rolls over to fall back asleep]
Him: [Comes back to bed, tries to fall asleep with spring in his back] "What's wrong?"
Me: [Trying not to leave half conciousness] "Nothing"
Him: Tell me what's wrong.
Me: [Getting irritable about amount of conciousness I am being forced into] "Nothing! Seriously, nothing is wrong. I don't want to be awake right now."
Him: "GOD! What is your fucking problem?" [Rolls over, shaking entire bed putting me into high state of conciousness]
Me: [Wide awake with spring in back]
Him: [Softly snoring]
Me: [Silently beginning to freak out about the sinking ship thing...again.]

Maybe it's just the mattresses fault. Obviously we MUST HAVE A NEW MATTRESS NOW.

Comments

[jilbur]

Sometimes, when someone is feeling desperate, s/he really doesn't want to be cheered up. If this is one of those times, please don't feel obliged to read this.

Money trouble sucks. It usually causes a lot of friction in relationships, too, because it goes to a lot of very basic security issues, like, oh I don't know, food, shelter ... But I'd just like to suggest this: Happily, people don't get sent to debtor's prison any more. There are worst-case scenarios that involve stuff like bankruptcy, and the like. But candidly, it wouldn't be so horrible if that happened. Eventually (probably faster than you think) it would be far enough in the past not to matter.

In any case, no matter how you resolve it, you will get through this intact. I'm certainly not telling you that you should 'suck it up' or 'lighten up' or some kind of facile formula like that. It's totally understandable that you're batshit loco-type anxious.

You're also totally loveable ... and revoltingly talented. I know that, somehow, you'll find some peace while you ride out this crazy money shit. xoxox

[Anne]

Two things to read:

1. Suze Orman is the goddess for getting out of debt, at www.suzeorman.com

2. An article on Depleted Mother Syndrome,

http://www.brainchildmag.com/essays/spring2004_feature.htm

Hope this helps.

[She-Dork]

I feel your pain about the money. My husband and I are currently trying to stop the debting cycle. The thing that helps us not spend money the most is the fact that all of our credit cards are maxed out. Heh-heh.

But seriously, it is hard and frustrating and crippling when the financial terrors hit. I have been a victim of them for a long time. I think you should complain all you want without apology. I think most of us can relate, plus it might help you work out the fear and anxiety.

[bluepoppy]

Dear Ms. S. Bliss,
I am so amazed at your ability to share raw pain and frustration with such honesty and genunie humor. Life sucks, though I have to say Jibur's comment about at least there're no more debtor's prisons was very funny and very true--I think I'm gonna use that all day, "hey it could be worse, there used to be debtors prison". But the real reason I am writing here is-- you could be making serious $$ with your writing. Did you ever submit your amazing "My House in the South of France" piece-- I am not kidding-- you could be submitting this stuff and getting paid for it. You are that good. And there are so many women who don't blog but read mags and newspapers who would so totally relate to your stories. Sorry for such a long comment.

[Charla]

Well, it's obvious that your "debt no more in 2004" has affected your brain. You feel that you must.buy.something. You are now resorting to mattresses.

No seriously, I know that knowing you aren't alone doesn't help much, but it IS the truth. Your husband sounds a lot like mine, the everythings-going-to-be-ok type, which can drive one utterly insane. I hope things get better for you soon. Until then, we're here to listen to your totally well deserved money-woe rants.

[Melissa]

Charla: How I wish a mattress would solve our financial woes. Or a new sofa. Or new siding. Or gutters. Or a digital camera. Or new clothes. Or more beer. Or hard liquor.

[Gayle]

Wait! I've got it! You could open an inhome child care center to earn extra $$. Lots of houses in the SOF. Or would they only be rentals?

My attempt at making YOU laugh for a change . . .

[leslee]

What you need is an *old* mattress, one left behind by some wealthy eccentric who stuffed all his dough in said mattress before he kicked the bucket.

[Gayle]

Meaning like, you always make me laugh, now I'm trying to make you laugh. Not that you never laugh. Of course you laugh. Hope you get as much pleasure from your writing as we do!

[Rubber-Sol]

Here's a suggestion -- sell stuff on eBay. Really! Whatever you have lying around the house (oh any ol' thing, really) can be SOLD! When times were tough, I sold little things like: Clinique Bonus Days Free Gifts (women went nutso over these!), my kids old clothes (HOT SELLERS!), all my old college books, a paper shredder. ALL of them sold, and we had extra cash. I eventually moved up to selling bigger things, like an old couch, kitchen table, our car.....ANYTHING sells on eBay.
I would have to disagree w/ the Suze Orman thing though....I don't know what planet she lives on...telling me to switch to a 15 year mortgage and buy my car w/ cash. Oh please.

[Melissa]

Rubber-Sol: Ebay, yes. Watch for my Right Kidney Auction coming soon!

And Suze, I think Suze would have helped me if I'd started reading her in my formative years, while I developed my relationships with money and 'things'. Reading her now, just sends me spiraling further into this despair.

[Sam]

I don't mean to sound like a kiss ass, but really, you are wonderful.

[alice]

You're wonderful--and hot. Come over here so I can make out with you!

I can so, so, so relate to the financial woes, dear god, yes I can. I wish I had some words of wisdom, but I'm so in the middle of the same shit that all I can say is "DOES THIS MEAN YOU HAVE NO MONEY YOU CAN GIVE ME?" I wish my husband were optimistic, but alas, he's the kind who literally clutches at his hair and rends his garment and shrieks "WHY US?" and "WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO LIVE" and, well, I'm using all caps too much, but you get the idea. It's incredibly stressful. I keep reminding myself to be gentle to my husband as well as me, because we're not at our best right now, but then I'm not gentle and there's a lot of fighting sometimes.
So you just keep complaining--the rest of us like (and need) to read what you have to say.