Bake Sale Failure

I've had some very long days lately and my children are now practicing (with excellent results, depending on the results you consider 'excellent') needling. Meaning if they want something they ask over and over and over and over and over. and over and over and over.

Max has a more hysteric method of asking, then screaming when I give the wrong answer. Then he asks again and screams when I say no...again. Repeat. All day. Everyday.

Madison has discovered the nuances of needling. She asks a question, if she doesn't like the answer I give, like 'No' or 'Maybe, let me think about it.' Immediately she segues into the "Can we do that tomorrow?" or "[sigh]....I sure wish I could do that." and then "When do you think we can do that?"

It's given new meaning to the term 'Relentless'. I did not enjoy the days of raising a newborn. In fact, I truly suck at it. I could not be worse at it if I tried really hard. Most of the time I'm thrilled to be beyond the newborn part of my life.

But this needling thing is making me yearn for the pre-verbal days of my children's first months on this planet. Those days that were silent, mostly, except for the crying. Oh, and the endless demands. Well, and the not sleeping. And the stroller and all that carrying....I don't know, the needling still sucks pretty badly.

Also there's the Non Stop Fighting. Today between 3:30 and 5:45 I broke up 17 fights about the most ridiculous things. If I was breaking up fights about J Lo and Marc Anthony's marriage or fights about the HORRIBLE New Condos replacing the Crack Infested Motel near our home, then perhaps we could have a reasonable discussion.

I could say, "Now Max, Jennifer Lopez is obviously a woman who can not bear to be alone and Marc Anthony is still reeling from his dramatic fall to the bottom of the charts...let's not be so harsh."

Or, I could say, "Madison, really....I know it's upsetting that a developer actually wants to bring more money and residents to our downtown and I know it's a cruel, cruel joke that he wants to demolish a motel full of crack whores....I understand the 'integrity' of the neighborhood and the worry about the 5 trees that will have to be removed to make room for the new condos. The condos that bring new TAXES into our city and bring homeowners into our neighborhood....but please, stop yelling at your brother." (Sarcasm is always lost on 5 year olds.)

Instead, I'm breaking up arguments like this, stupid arguments that make me want to tear out my ovaries and curse them for giving me the eggs to create these children.

Madison: "Okay, pretend I'm a Lion."
Max: "NOOOOO....you're not a lion! You're a polar bear!!!!!!"
Madison: "AHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! My brother who is two and a half years younger than me has just told me I can't be a lion!!!!!! MOMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! HELP MEEEEEEE."
Max "Hey! Why is she crying??? I think I'll hit her and then I'll start crying like a lunatic who was raised by wolves."

It makes me want to hurt myself just for birthing them.

Finally, last Friday I attempted to participate in the elementary school fun fair by baking, but my domestic disability prevented me from participating at the level I had hoped.

I spent a substantial part of the day baking two cakes and what were supposed to be lemon bars. Everything went wrong and I was forced to spend a horrifying amount of money at the bakery buying cookies and cakes that looked the most 'homemade' so as to hide my disability from the eyes of the PTA.

Yes, I am ashamed of my disability, however I am considering collecting disability. At least to recover the cost of hiding my disability with store bought baked goods.

Comments

[dayment]

Take the children's approach to the new condo developers. "Man, you sure have been uncooperative with us. Maybe you'll be cooperative tomorrow? I sure would like you to be cooperative and listen to us. Hey! Maybe if I send a sheep's head in the mail you will react like a cooperative person!"

Also,
Peanut Butter Ritz in melted chocolate. Mmmmm. Do you have tongs? Ah forget the tongs, just lick your fingers after each one.

[Amy]

You don't know how relieved I feel to be reading this! My 5 year old came home from school yesterday and announced that she gets to spend the whole day with me now because it's summer vacation! Crap, I hadn't thought that far ahead! My 3 year old, on the other hand, keeps asking me for an itinerary, "What are we doing now? What are we doing after that? Where are we going next?", and if we go home, she cries. My 5 year old interrupted me today when I told her why we were driving, not walking to school..

Me: Well for one thing it's too hot, and...

Her: It's not hot!

Me: Yes, it..

Her: It's not hot!

Rinse and repeat!

I'm sure this eye twitch will go away soon.

[jilbur]

Okay, as soon as I get home today I'm sending you my recipe for lemon bars. Then you'll be glad the ones you made for the bake sale failed, b/c no way would you let a stranger touch, much less eat, a single one of them. You'll be hiding them from the kids--you might hide them from Logan. They're that good.

If you get to the grocery store before I get home today, get a tube of almond paste (or a can,if they don't have the tube kind) and a handful of limes in preparation. yeah--you heard me--limes. I assume you have cornstarch. xoxox

[Jill]

can I just say that by waiting that perfect 6.5 years to have my second child I thought I would get to bypass all the fights. Ah hem, NOT!! They are worse than two 2 year olds!

[pinky]

Hey! They're tearing down my old stomping ground! Just kidding :-)

And I snerk at your domestic disability and raise you one complete lack of dusting/mopping skills.

(I really want to know what you can make with almond paste and limes, I really do)

[Amy]

Delurking to say... I haven't spawned yet, but I dearly love your blog because, among other things, it makes me realize I can still be me when I become a mother. Does that make sense? I love your honesty and sarcasm... it gives me some sort of hope. Maybe that sounds weird. Anyway, thanks for writing! :)

[myllissa]

Let's just say that you have affirmed my decision to wait to have children a few more years. My husband and I were going to start trying next spring, but we recently decided that we were ready as far as maturity is concerned. Bravo for not killing them yet. I'm not sure I could say the same.

[dayment]

Jilbur?
I would love a copy of that recipe too!

Thanks!

[Deborah]

I feel your pain. The constant crying and screaming done by kids is our punishment for enjoying sex.

[Julia]

Patrick barely talks, so I get a lot of his soft hand slipped into mine and then he TUGS and YELLS and WHINES and POINTS AGGRESSIVELY in whatever direction he wants me to head. The little creep.

You are not alone, my treasure. And did you see that picture of my dinner party cake? It was three inches high on one side and a scant half inch on the other. Can I collect cake disability?

[R]

Ohhhh, I have to assure you that you are a member of a VAST sisterhood, my dear. My 8 and 2 year old have been scrapping like alley cats since the minute she got off the bus on the last day of school. We ran through my monthlong craft ideas the first 3 days of summer, and the only thing that stops the complaining is putting them in the pool. Come to think of it, they fight at the pool, too (sigh). I love the little monsters, but oh, how I hate the monotony and repetitiveness of their whining.

[R]

Ohhhh, I have to assure you that you are a member of a VAST sisterhood, my dear. My 8 and 2 year old have been scrapping like alley cats since the minute she got off the bus on the last day of school. We ran through my monthlong craft ideas the first 3 days of summer, and the only thing that stops the complaining is putting them in the pool. Come to think of it, they fight at the pool, too (sigh). I love the little monsters, but oh, how I hate the monotony and repetitiveness of their whining.

[beerzie boy]

poo poo pee pee

no toilet talk

poo poo pee pee

no toilet talk

poo poo pee pee

no toilet talk

poo poo pee pee

no toilet talk

poo poo pee pee

no toilet talk

poo poo pee pee

no toilet talk

(repeat)

[AnneWhitney]

It's such a pity that sarcasm is lost on preschoolers!