The Black Hole In My Head.

First the bags under my eyes became an undeniable reality. Instead of saying to myself, "Well, that's just a bad picture."

I had to admit it was uncanny that 9,652 digital photos were coming back with the same bags under my eyes. It's not a lighting issue or an angle issue...it's just the fact that I have bags under my eyes.

Then Logan took this shot of me and that's not Photoshop adjusted folks, my roots are officially taking over the top of my head. (Don't look into the darkness for too long without protective gear...bad things happen*.)

*If I were clever I would put that evil cat eye thing from Lord Of The Rings in that black hole. But I'm not.

It actually looks like the top of my head is nothing but a big black hole.

I'm amazed. My hair has leprosy...because it's not as though I color my hair and I have neglected to do so since 12/30/03. That would make it seem like I'm just a harried mother who sacrifices her own vanity for other things that seem more important. Like....food.

I am not a martyr. No, I am simply a woman with a black hole rapidly taking over the top of her head.

But don't worry about me, I'm fine! I can sacrifice the top of my head for the needs of my family. I'll do it because that's the type of woman I am. Never mind that 14 hour labor. And the forceps. And those stiches.....I'm happy if you're happy and if letting your mother have a black hole where the top of her head used to be makes you happy then I want to make that happen for you.

In other news, I used what I have strategically called The Last Diaper tonight.

As in: "Oh no! This is THE LAST DIAPER! I can't buy anymore....they stopped making them big enough for a little boy who URINATES LIKE AN ADOLESCENT. I guess tomorrow we'll have to use all that underwear we bought with all the money I might have used on a fresh highlighting for my hair."

This is something new. I haven't done this before and in my fantasy...tomorrow morning Max will wake up and say:

"Today is the day I'm wearing Sponge Bob on my butt. Don't try to stop me mom. I know you've been clinging to my babyhood and I know it's hard to let me grow up. I know you like changing my diaper 3-5 times a day and sometimes even 8-10 when I'm mildly constipated. But mom, I need to do this....for me, I can't wear diapers forever you know."

And I'll wipe a tear from my eye and I'll say, "You're right. Really I didn't want you to give up diapers, I really do like gagging while I change you....I've been enjoying throwing money in the trash can every time I throw away yet another diaper...but now I see I was holding you back. I want you to be happy and all along I thought this black hole on the top of my head was making you happy. But really, what you wanted was to be rid of those diapers."

God help me, please let this be easy. Please let my sofa survive.

In other, other news: In preparation for this Potty Training Event, it may have been wise of me to start remedicating myself.

Comments

[pinky]

Despite what you think, that is a very cute picture. And as for your couch - I said a little prayer for it and a lit a candle. I don't know if that will do anything, but it can't hurt.

[Kristine]

That is an *adorable* picture! I love the smirk.

[Pants]

Who knew you could look so much like Candice Olson from Divine Design...

[mumsie]

I'm sure it will all go well. After all, who can resist SpongeBob underwear? Much, much better than diapers!

*fingers crossed*

[Melissa]

Uh, Pants...a little less HGTV for you.

[tex]

You didn't even mention that your "eyebags" have disappeared! I think trading eyebags for a black hole is totally worth it!

[Amy]

I love your hair!

Good luck on the underwear -- we're in the same boat. I'm tired of cleaning pee out of the carpet and my son just doesn't "get it".

[Beerzie Yoink]

Ah...the "Last Diaper" approach. We recently tried that on my youngest and decided that we preferred changing diapers and tossing them out to removing crap-smeared skivvies and tossing them. (Cleaning them was not an option.)

And are those half-finished cocktails on the mantle in the left corner of the photo? (Waste not, want not.)

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Ed Note: No not cocktails...although now that you mention it, I could really go for one. Also, don't even get me thinking about the poop ramifications of this.

[jilbur]

I like this stuff for under-eye bags, but candidly it would be wasted on you. I know you've already blogged about how young you look, but truthfully, you post pics so infrequently, I didn't realize what a wonder it is that you don't have truancy officers chasing you around every time you leave the house ...

[Joye]

I went through the same thing with my daughter. I told her that the diaper companies didn't make her size anymore and that we had no other option but to wear underwear. It worked. I hope it works for your son too.
The photo of your hair looks just fine to me. I prefer to see a shadow, not roots. And the bags..they are non existent.
Cheers
Joye

[Renee]

I love your hair! Is it that short or pulled back? You're so cute. (That's all the girly I have in me, btw.)

Good luck with the underwear. :)

[Mrs. Kennedy]

My fingers and toes are crossed for you. We have Spongebob underpants, too! And little Hanes boxer-briefs that look like miniature Calvin Kleins. Just accept the fact that the beginning will be disastrous, and then you'll work your way down to one disaster a week, etc.

[Jennifer]

Girls are so easy. My daughter potty trained herself overnight. My son, the youngest, was an altogether different story. After months of futile cajoling, begging, praising, displaying M&M's in a bowl behind the toilet...I was done. The he stayed a three-day weekend with my mother-in-law and was in Power Ranger undies from then on out.

How the heck do mother-in-laws/grandmas always keep the upper hand??? I have an intense fear that I'll never develop the mother-in-law mojo. Not that I'm in any hurry. :-)

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Ed Note: What you just said is maybe the most compelling reason I have ever heard to allow my in laws back in my life. Seriously. It goes against everything my therapist has ever told me but....if someone else could do this horrible job.....

[Helene]

LOL - I'm right there with you , after a 6 week hiatus from our 1st attempt to PT Jess, we started again this week. With three days down, IU can report zero successes and several loads of laundry.

Pray for a sunny weekend (it's rained every day this week) for if the weather good, she's going bottomless on the deck all weekend long.

Good luck

BTW: The photo doesn't look that bad. I can't see any bags under the eyes and besides a dark head is much better then dark circles :)

[Helene]

LOL - I'm right there with you , after a 6 week hiatus from our 1st attempt to PT Jess, we started again this week. With three days down, IU can report zero successes and several loads of laundry.

Pray for a sunny weekend (it's rained every day this week) for if the weather good, she's going bottomless on the deck all weekend long.

Good luck

BTW: The photo doesn't look that bad. I can't see any bags under the eyes and besides a dark head is much better then dark circles :)

[perl]

have not had to go through this horror myself, yet but do remember my parents talking about how horrible it was with yours truly. being first time parents and trying to be all natural an' shit, they acutally used *raisins* as reward. boy did that turn around to bite them in the ass (even though it sounds like it was my ass that did the real suffering). with #2 they wisened up and used m&ms like Jennifer. it finally worked (for both of us!).

[emily]

Hope Max does good on the no more diapers!

[Philip]

First, you look great. Milf great, not just I'm your friend and you look great great. Second, better a black hole in your head than a black hole in your heart. Third, my emergency fall-back diaper is a size 2 from 2001 that is probably home to mites at this point. Fourth, I'd rather change diapers for another two years than potty train Alex this summer. Oh, wait, I will be changing diapers for another two years...so why rush the poor boy? As long as he can figure it out by preschool, right?

[JM]

Finally gave up on the blond my mother has always loved - and while she was in Hawaii - I went to dark brown. I love it - mom and sister, still not sure. I think they are hoping the Queer Eye guys will get a hold of me and talk some sense into me.

After 10 years of parenting - still amazed how physically exhausting this motherhood job is...

[Caitlin]

Good luck! I just found you today through Shaunacat, your stuff looks awesome!

[Lil' Sis]

Dude, did Phillip just call my sister a "Mother-I'd-Like-to-Fu%#"? Stop this crazy world, I really need to throw up...

Miao.

[AnneWhitney]

I went so long between highlight jobs this year that my mom said whe would not come for her scheduled visit until I had made an appointment to get it done while she was here - and then she paid for it which made me feel like a teenager again. Really, I'm not this incompentent at life!

[Jae]

I know that if I had Sponge Bob on my butt, I'd definitely pee and poop in the potty for you.

We're in the throes of potty training here as well, and while the sofa has been spared, the carpets have not. On the bright side, he does like the little sit down potty better than the potty chair on the toilet.

Good luck, mama!