A Pickle Is Touching My Sandwich.

My daughter is an incredibly picky eater.

I've mostly decided I'm not fighting about what she eats. She's mostly decided to poke at new foods on her plate and whine about them. Mostly I've learned to accept it. Gone are the days when I worried she'd starve to death or get scurvy.

Mostly at this point, if she did starve to death, I would have to tell her, "Well God Damn it! I told you to eat!"

Sometimes it's a little insulting to spend hours making dinner only to have my daughter scream out, "Jesus Christ! What IS that? Is that Peanut Chicken? That's the food of the devil! I can't believe this unholy food is on my plate. GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!"

And I have to admit that anytime we have Satan to dinner, he always requests my Peanut Chicken.

It's fine that she won't eat. Like I said, I've gotten over it. I don't want my dinner table to be a battlefield and I don't want to get involved with the 'food as power struggle' dynamic.

However, sometimes Logan wants to make an issue out of the food. Sometimes he gets so upset with our daughter's eating and he just can't believe how she won't eat! And we're not running a restaurant here Madison! And you're going to sit at this table and you'll eat what we serve! And that is it young lady! Your mother works hard to put a nice meal on this table and this is what we're eating and I don't care if the Devil himself comes here and places the food gingerly on your tongue...you're eating it!

The thing is Logan's as picky as Madison so this exasperation is quite comical to me.

He has these freak outs periodically and then one day mom works really hard to make Tuna Pasta Alfresco (avoiding all mayonnaise)....and Logan peers over the pot and says, "What are those green things there?"

And I say, "They're capers."

And he winces and says, "That doesn't sound like something I'd like."

And I say, "Since when are your tastebuds in your ear drums?"

He has very sensitive taste buds in his ear drums and Madison has the most incredible taste buds in her finger tips. She can tell, simply by touching a new food whether or not it is edible (generally, it is not edible).

It's some amazing, and really rather annoying, genetic mutation.

He says nothing but I know what he's thinking. "I know I'll hate capers....they look like tiny olives and I know I'll hate them. I don't want to eat them....why does she have to make these disgusting new things. There's probably mayonnaise in there and she's hiding it."

And he nervously paces around the house until dinner is served and then he says, "I really don't think I can eat this...on principle. Aren't capers satanic, I swear I read that somewhere."

He just can not for the life of him understand where on earth our daughter got to being so picky!

You can imagine how laughable I find his irritation with Madison's eating habits.

Ha Ha!

I laugh!

Just wait until next time Satan comes for dinner. Madison and Logan will be whimpering in the basement and I will be dining on Peanut Chicken and then, capers! Everywhere capers!

I believe in hell everything has mayonnaise, hidden inside. And the pickles are always touching your sandwich* which ruins the bread! It RUINS THE BREAD! Please if you're bringing me a sandwich DO NOT, MY GOD, DO NOT LET THE PICKLE TOUCH MY SANDWICH!

Wait, that's Logan's own personal hell.

He actually tells the waitress to spare the pickle. "Please, don't give me a pickle." he says. Then, when the waitress comes to the table, he frantically scans the plate trying to find an errant pickle and sometimes...the pickle is HIDING UNDER THE BREAD! He'll send the sandwich back if that happens because pickles are satanic, he read it somewhere.

*I once saw my husband openly weep** when a perfectly good piece of bread was violently assaulted by a pickle and it's juice. That pickle had no right to do those things to that bread and Logan felt that bread's pain.

**Logan will deny the weeping, but my brother and my nicer, funnier sister in law witnessed it....only they haven't had to live with the post traumatic stress of the infamous Pickle Touching The Bread incident.

Comments

[Shelley]

Never mind the pickle - my kid won't eat if one food is touching another. I've actually seen her eat one food, get up, rinse her plate, then serve herself another food. Makes "casserole" a dirty word in her eyes.

[Claire]

Hi there, first time commenter here.

Anyway, this post made me laugh out loud, because it's exactly like me and my dad, even though we're uh, both supposed to be adults by now. I hate onions. If I'm visiting my parents' house and I think Mom put onions in something, I'll make a face and try to remind her that I don't like them. Dad will act all exasperated, but then, I see how he still pushes his carrots over to one side of the plate, hoping Mom won't notice he didn't eat them.

Some things never change.

[pinky]

I actually *like* what the pickle does to the bread. Then again, I'm not picky, and I never understood people who just don't eat. Children, adults, etc. My husband isn't a picky eater per se, but he forgets to eat sometimes. Forgets?!

[emily]

*lol*
Randy hates mayo,sour cream and frankly anything green.It really makes grocery trips hard.What the hell do you feed someone that doesn't eat green?lol

[kalisah]

don't worry about your daughter - she'll eat when she's hungry. I was just like her as a kid. I guess I still am to a certain extent...but it does get better with age. Like, when she's about 30.

[Dana]

My husband is quite anal when it comes to food and ranks up there with Logan and Maddie. He refuses to have his food touch and will only eat one thing on his plate at a time. *But* he LOVES pickles!

[Deena]

Melissa it will get better it really will. Kate hardly ate anything for years. I remember one time she sat with one bit of hamburger in her mouth for over and hour saying she couldn't swallow it and Tim said she would. They battled forever over that. She spent years eating hardly anything and ate only miniscule bits of meat never enough in my eyes to even keep a birl alive. Then one day shortly after she hit puberty she began to eat and hasn't stopped. So I don't worry about the boys now who are both falling off the weight charts and wearing 12 mo. and 2T shorts at 3 and 5. So don't worry someday she will eat with joy the food set before her, I just know she will.

[Melissa]

Yes, I've given up on Madison. There's really nothing else to do. She'll eat if/when she feels like it.

However, the real question is: Will Logan always be like this? Because his eating really really irritates me.

[Jennifer]

You gotta pick your battles, you know? When they're hungry enough, they'll eat. Til then, heck with 'em. More for you.

Of course, I did read about a wonderful sounding cooking camp thingy for kids. I'd gladly trade out emptying the dishwasher duties for cooking the meals...

[pam]

I'm weeping myself, with laughter. GREAT POST!

I was a very, very picky eater as a child. My mother wasn't nearly as fatalistic as you are, which meant years of fights and skirmishes and chicanery. You are doing the right thing to refrain from battle, IMO.

In our house, we have One Rule: you have to take at least one bite of the food placed in front of you. But if you don't like it, you don't have to eat it. I've had to make good on that with many pb&j sandwiches, but my daughter is a fairly non-picky eater now.

[Christie]

Since having a family, I've realized my cooking is a direct extension of my self-esteem. Which is a terrible thing since I'm a generally terrible cook. I get so upset if I spent hours cooking a meal only to hear, "That smells yukky." "Did Tristan poop?" and "I really don't think I can eat this at all, Mom." However, if, by some random miracle, I make stir fry vegetables, throw a few on my son's plate and cross my fingers, and he says, "This is really good Mom! There are little baby peas in these green things! Can I have more Chinese vegetables?" I feel like the Queen of the World. (*cue Titanic music*)

It's really sad that a three year old who shuns McDonalds and would eat fruit for breakfast, lunch and dinner holds the key to my opinion of myself and my culinary prowress.

Rowr.

[jilbur]

I was sure that the Jellybean was going to be a picky eater, because she was the direct descendant of a long and distinguished line of picky eaters. My MIL used to say to me (with a hint of pride I must say): "My mother used to stand on her head to try to get me to eat!" Once I responded to this by remarking, "How very amusing that must have been for you! No wonder you were so picky!" But anyway, she isn't really any more picky than is (evidently) developmentally required for a 6 year old.

Which is to say, I totally get why you try to be nonchalant about Madison. In the long run, it's great parenting to be careful not to get into a power struggle dynamic about food.

I was lucky--my picky-eater husband was totally self-motivated to change that even before I met him. I think he realized it had always been about his parents and control issues, to some extent, and he was just done with it and wanted to Experience Wild New Taste Adventures. Like fish ... and cheese.

It's hard to balance being laid-back about what the kids eat, and also teaching them to respect your effort, the blessing of having nutritious food laid out for them thrice a day, and taking care of their own nutritional needs. With the Jellybean, about a year ago we starting going over the '5 a day' fruits and vegetables thing: I'd ask her to report on what her 5 servings were, at dinnertime, and if she wasn't up to par, we'd ask her what she was going to do about it, which often ended up with her eating 2 pieces of fruit and a carrot after dinner. Which is fine with me. Anyway, the best part about that was it put her in charge of taking care of herself.

Wow--didn't mean to flap on so about this.

[Melissa]

Jilbur, your husband holds a special place in my heart with the time he ducked at the sight of a hard boiled egg being put on a salad.

I wish I would have seen it with my own eyes.

[lena]

oh my. my husband is so picky i can't imagine what his spawn would be like. if we are at a restaurant and the plate comes with green garnish, i have the spring into action to sweep it off the plate. he can't even touch the stuff. forget it if there is a pickle nearby...or a hint of mayo or sour cream...

[alissa]

So this is the hell that I put my mother through!!?!! (I feel I should call her & apologize..)

[jill]

okay, I'm seeing a pattern of men that don't like Mayo or Sour Cream. What is up with that? My husband has turned my 9year old into a no Mayo/Sour Cream kid. For Christ sake guys it is NOT going to kill you to allow me to mix it into something! My husbands 2 bothers also hate sour cream...I just don't get it!

[Cara]

My sister has the same issues. No mayo, sour cream, fish, mushrooms, fruit...we live together, and it's ruining my cooking. Though she did start eating (VERY fresh, VERY thin) green beans when she was 25.

We were children of divorce who were schlepped all over, and food is definitely how she controlled her environment. The best story was when she refused to eat any crackers on a plate that contained sesame crackers. But you like sesame seeds, my stepmother argued. Not on crackers and not TOUCHING other non-sesame-seed-containing crackers, she insisted.

I think she was about 14.

[Lisa]

It all started with baked beans in our house. Aubree loved them. Linley said if she loved them so much, she should marry them. So Aubree did. They have enjoyed a long happy relationship. Now all sorts of food gets married in our house,some even begats others. Did you know hot dogs are the product of a union between ham and pickles? Something I can't wrap my mind around, but my guess is that it happened in Massachusettes. Perhaps the White House would be interested. Anyway last night was a sad night in our house. Linley refused to eat the slice of cheese pizza on her plate. Her reasoning- "Me and pizza, we're divorced."

[Karen]

I have 3 kids, each of whom is pickier than the last. They won't even eat the usual kid food, like hot dogs and hamburgers. They subsist on peanut butter and Go-Gurts. Sigh.

[alice]

There's not much I love more than capers.

Hail Satan! (Whoops, that slipped out.)

[patti]

Wait - Logan eats BREAD? I thought *that* was the food of Satan!

PS - I love capers. Melissa, if you ever cook me a meal, I'll take mine with extra capers, please.

[Michelle]

Capers are boogers in disguise, I swear! Bleck! LOL!
There is nothing worse than bread that is soaked with pickle juice.....double bleck.
Of course, coming from a newly pregnant woman who is suffering from morning sickness, nothing sounds palatable right now....ugh!

[Loody]

I used to be a reallllly fussy eater when I was a kid, but now I'm fine. EXCEPT for the pickle touching bread thing. I totally understand about that! It makes it all mushy and .....(*falls into faint at the mere thought*)

[Emily]

I love your site... you are a great writer. I too worry about scurvy with my daughter on a daily basis. LOL.

[Lee]

Our rule is you have to try ONE bite of everything that's on your plate (touching or not)....moreso because I like watching them make faces and dry heave...but that's just me.

[Sheryl]

Genesis 3 (The original version)

1And Satan was in the garden marinating cucumbers in vinegar and dill 2with a touch of garlic. And Adam came and tasted, 3and lo he spat and cursed the ground the cucumber had grown in.

[Shiz]

My husband, who is not picky at all (thank the Lord God in heaven), even knows things like that Capers are the pickled seeds of a nasturshum plant. He'll even eat beets, which I loathe.

One of my friends is neurotically picky, in his mid-20s, and will probably never change. The first time he EVER tried a banana he was 23. And he gagged on it. For years his school lunch was (I am not kidding) a selection of saltine crakers, buttered and lined with 16 mini marshmallows in a 4 x 4 pattern. I would be frustrated beyond belief as a mother, but it might drive me even battier to have that in my husband. You can almost count the foods he'll eat on ten fingers.

The only person in my family that is picky is my day, who probably eats about one serving of fruit or vegetables every two weeks. Oh, veggies with dinner? He'll take one tiny piece of broccoli or a small sliver of a carrot. But not both.

[Shiz]

Duh. I meant to say that that last paragraph was about my dad. D'oh.

D'oh. D'oh. D'oh.

[Helene]

ROTFL - The dark one visits oue dinner table at least twice a week to!

[Jae]

I would get along splendidly with Logan and Madison. Heaven help me if my ice cream touches my cake. It makes the ice cream feel as though there are ants in it. And I hate eating ants.

[Maureen]

This is the first time I am reading your site. I didn't realize until the end of this post that Logan was not one of your children. How funny!Even though I was a picky eater when I was young, I do not understand people who have not grown out of that. I will eat just about anything and everything. More mayo please! Pass the capers. My husband was picky until the age of 30. I could never get him to go out to eat anywhere remotely exotic. He refused to be believe that it would be good. He humored me by trying spicy tuna roll once, but spit it out. It wasn't until one of his "cool" friends talked him going to sushi, did he try it. And guess what! I was right. He loved it. I have since nagged him into trying Thai and Vietnamse. He is still rolling his eyes about that Cambodian place down the street. But all I need is a little peer pressure on my side, and I will be swimming in coconut milk in no time.

[Jenny]

Hi,
I happened to stumble across your blog through another..I hope you don't mind!
I just had to say..My daughter is the total opposite of yours..I can't get her to stop eating! Thank God it is healthy food and not junk, otherwise we would be in trouble in the clothes department! :)

[mr mcmuffin]

I feel your pain. Mrs McMuffin is soooo picky. She drives me nuts sometimes. She can say to me, "I have gone off rice" or "I have gone of potatoes." How is that possible? I think she does it to keep me on my toes [I do most of the cooking]. My favourite thing she does is when she will quite happily eat some dish or other on many occasions, then she will announce one day out of the blue, "I don't like that." We don't have yard sales in the UK, but eBay...

[Punky]

the pickle thing I can understand. I am 26 and I can't stand the smell of them. Heaven forbid one touch anything related to my food. I even prefer eating with tose plates that have dividers to keep my food seperate. But no mayo...that is just crazy talk.

[Heather]

Hubby is the opposite. he doesn't care if I have to be short order cook for stepdaughter and toddler son. If I make us peanut chicken , we eat it and I am expected to then make Haydn the hot dog he wants and Savannah the sandwich she wants. Ba!

[Lauren M.]

Oh man...I'm reading through your archives now after finding you through dooce.com. This blog entry almost made me die laughing. DIE. Hilarious.