Dear Mr Piano Man

Remember three weeks ago at 10:45 (pm) when I came over in my pajamas to ask you to shut your windows if you were going to play the clarinet into the night?

Maybe you don't remember....it was pretty late wasn't it?

I thought one of those awkward discussions was enough...I guess I was wrong.

At that time, at 10 o'clock at night, we agreed that the clarinet (and the piano AND THE DRUMS) were a bit loud for the evening hours. You agreed to keep your windows closed if you were going to play at night. After 9pm was the time we discussed.

I thought I was being very generous since the sound of the clarinet...and the piano....AND THE DRUMS...makes me want to tear my own skin off every time you play. All day. For hours at a time. Sometimes you play one and then you switch to another and then you move on to the next one...and it's all a little crazy making.

What's funny, in the most homicide provoking way, is that if I close all the windows and doors on my house....I can't hear your music!

I could do that, close my windows whenever you feel the need to 'jam', but somehow it seems unfair for me to be at the mercy of your muse. I like fresh air as I'm sure you do. I don't feel it's fair or reasonable for me to compromise my comfort for your piano/drums/clarinet. You could just as easily make it part of your 'warm-up' to shut your doors and the window your piano and clarinet sit in front of.

When we spoke about the clarinet a few weeks ago while I was wearing my pajamas....this is what we agreed on. That you would close your windows after 9pm if you felt the need to play your music. I compromised since I'd really prefer to NEVER listen to drums or clarinet or piano in my house not at the times I've chosen.

Since we'd made this compromise, you can imagine my utter shock when...at 9:45 pm....there it was again. The piano! Loudly! Through your open window! As though you really are the most inconsiderate people to ever live in the rental across from my home.

Maybe I didn't make myself clear in my pajamas that one night. The thing is I have this job and it keeps me in this house for most of the day. And in this house there are these two little people who need a lot from me. By the end of the day I really just want to do what I want...without interruption.

On the list of things I want to do, you will never, ever see 'Listen to my neighbors play the clarinet (piano/drums).'

I'm sure your evening plans don't include listening to my music or my choice in television or listening to my children's endless calls from bed for more water or another hug....

You want to do as you please....and I think you should do that. With your windows closed.

My husband worried about me speaking to you again. He worried about creating bad blood between neighbors. The problem is...I already HATE you!

I was willing to have the chat with you (once) and grit my teeth through the day time playing that never seems to end.....but I draw the line at the evening serenades...and so there is a huge clot of bad blood hanging around my house and my husband would like to divert the bad blood.

He talked to you for the second time tonight and the bad blood hasn't been diverted. It's just coursing through my veins...and believe me, it's very very bad blood.

And it boils with every squeaky note of the clarinet and every tickling of the ivory and each thump of the drum. Then it boils right over when you let your dog roam the neighborhood and I see it strewing the McCullough's garbage around the neighborhood. Then, when I'm cleaning up 4 or 5 dog poops a week in my yard and I don't own a dog and this never happened before you moved here, my blood just boils all over the place. Your Free Range Dog is very sweet but he doesn't seem to understand that when he's let out in the front yard without a leash he should stay in your yard and poop there. This is what that fence that surrounds your entire huge backyard is for.

It seems he's a dog and he doesn't understand how to look both ways before crossing the street and I don't want to have to explain to my children why that sweet puppy from across the road was hit with a car. Because do you know what I'll tell my children?

'That poor puppy was hit by a car because he has idiots for parents. And also because they play that clarinet and everyone knows the clarinet is the devil's instrument.'

I think he's a very sweet dog but I really don't want to clean up his poop and I don't want to watch him get hit by a car and I mostly don't want to listen to your music!!!

You know, I'm really glad we've had this talk.

Melissa

Comments

[Flikka]

You have my deepest sympathy. I actually SOLD MY HOUSE AND MOVED TWO STREETS costing me about 30k because my neighbour wouldn't either A) turn his TV down or B) close his windows. Either one would have done!!

However I maintain to this day that my sanity is worth more than 30k.

Can you find out who he rent's through and call them and complain?

[mumsie]

One day when you're out of town, send that ice cream truck around and have it idle in front of his house. That'll teach him to close his windows!

[neko]

after sunday (the 4th) i HATE my neighbors, who i didn't like much anyway, because they're all frat boys who strew coors cans all over their god damn back yard, which happens to be connected to my back yard. but on the 4th they had a party that quickly escalated into drink as much as you can as fast as you can (not the part i have a problem with) and THEN light fireworks that spray crazily from your wooden deck to the wooden deck on the second story of the house i live in. you know, that deck that's where the ONLY DOOR OUT OF MY HOME is. or maybe just into the overwhelming amount of dry leaves and trees that are over by my car.....
now commencing search for house in the middle of nowhere.

[jilbur]

ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh.

I heart you, I hate your neighbor, and I mostly hate hating because it's just like Drano in our veins. That makes me hate your neighbor even more. Being responsible for the whole Drano/vein thing and all.

Oh and I cried about the puppy. Maybe I'm not stable enough, emotionally, to be reading blogs right now.

Rant over ... temporarily.

[Holly]

You have my deepest sympathy. I know what it's like to be tortured by a neighbor's "music." I used to live right above an alcoholic transvestite who had a kareoke machine. S/he would get home around 4am every single night, plug a guitar into the machine, and HOWL, yes, HOWL into the mic. Which happened to be directly below my uncarpeted bedroom. I complained to the building management, and their response was, "He's got AIDS, he won't be around too long." How awful is that?

[Holly]

You have my deepest sympathy. I know what it's like to be tortured by a neighbor's "music." I used to live right above an alcoholic transvestite who had a kareoke machine. S/he would get home around 4am every single night, plug a guitar into the machine, and HOWL, yes, HOWL into the mic. Which happened to be directly below my uncarpeted bedroom. I complained to the building management, and their response was, "He's got AIDS, he won't be around too long." How awful is that?

[WindyLou]

I hate the man upstairs who isn't really my Neighbor because he doesn't even pay rent - he just does odd jobs for the landlord. So after he tripped the circuit 5 times in one hour (not exaggerating)while I was trying to blow dry my hair we had a talk. And then I called the landlord. How dare he fuck with my hair drying time - doesn't he know that if I don't get it blow dried in that certain window of time my hair DOES NOT DO RIGHT ALL DAY! and how DARE he interrupt my air conditioning when it is 90 fucking degrees outside and I am about to start my period!

[Jennifer]

Doesn't it suck when neighbors start treating you like family? Abusing your good graces, wearing on your patience, and all other manner of ill manners.

We just got New Neighbors. Unfortunately, word is out on the street that they screwed the Old Neighbors on the house deal. Old Neighbors moved one street over, same neighborhood, and are beloved. Poor New Neighbors have been black balled by the "Committee That Decides Who Is Cool And Who Isn't Cool" before they've even moved in next door.

We've already begun lobbying efforts with the CTDWICAWIC to avoid taint by proximity. Suburban life by political convention. LOL

[kalisah]

why don't you put your stereo speakers in your open window and blast your own music every time he plays his? It wouldn't take long before he gets the message. It's a non-confrontational way to say A) we can hear your music and B) we don't like it very much.

[Melissa]

Oh my God! I did that!

He didn't even NOTICE! Plus, I could only do it when the other quieter neighbors were gone because, unlike seemingly everyone else in this neighborhood, I am aware of the noise I make and I actually consider the comfort of others.

Ugh.

[myllissa]

Do you throw the poop back into their yard? I would. Let them step in it once in a while.

I know for a fact that the clarinet is the Devils instrument of choice.

Do you think that sending them hate mail is going a step too far? You know, the kind with the letters cut out from magazines? I'll send it for you if you want.

[emily]

You have my deepest sympathy.In the neighborhood behine us,there are a group of boys that have a band......they are so f*cking diligent in their practicing.Every day,for hours.Drives me nuts!

[Flikka]

...ohh I just had a great idea! Give me his phone number and I'll call him and tell hin the music is too loud FROM AUSTRALIA. Like "Ummm Hi this is Flikka Dalton from Melbourne Australia, can you just close your windows that [insert instrument of choice] is really loud and annoying".

What do you think? :o)

[AnneWhitney]

Oh, the clarinet is especially evil . . . really, some sort of special counter-torture must be devised . . .

[TK]

Scoop that poop and dump it in his yard.

Next time he is playing his piano late at night, phone over there and ask him to shut his windows. (Benefits: (1) you can make the call while in your pajamas and (2) if he answers the phone, he has to stop playing, at least temporarily!) And find out what the local ordinance says is the cut-off time for noise and let him know that, too. In writing.

[Melissa]

I don't have his phone number. I don't even know his name! Unless there's a listing for "Piano Asshole".

As for the local ordinance. I already know what the ordinance is. "Any noise that disturbs anyone at any time."

So I'm pretty much covered. I'm trying to avoid involving the police but I will....

[Shiz]

Wow. I think I might hate him, too. Durn Piano Man. Can you call his landlords? Humane society?

[Ihatepianos]

I can truly sympathize with you, and the anger and frustration you are experiencing because of this thoughtless, mannerless, shameful, cretinous, horn-tootin', piano-plunkin' jerkoff! It's a clear case of selfishness on his part. People that have to blast their mindless music so that everyone else has to hear it are, in my estimation mentally deficient. When I was a child my oldest brother drove me nuts with his damn, loud, idiotic piano playing. Then my parents gave him nearly $1,000 so he could purchase an electric organ and overpowered speakers. He stored these in our garage and, frequently
audibly assaulted me and the surrounding neighbors. I can't believe my parents allowed this. I always had fantasies of taking a chain saw or an axe to that damn piano in our living room; ditto for my idiot brother's organ too. Silence is BLISS!