Syntax Error!

Last night Logan and I laid in bed talking about my running. I told him my workout plan for the next day and he suggested I push it a little harder if I 'felt up to it'

I said, "If I feel like shitting my pants, then I'll definitely turn up the routine."

And he said, sleepily, "You know...it's really not that bad."

It's not that bad to shit your pants? This is the mindset. I'm telling you, he's a robot. He isn't phased by bodily functions happening in public. What is my problem? Yet another programming failure: 'Minds Pooping In Public While Running'

Maybe I can be rewired.

Since I wrote about my husband's super human ways, I've started to see a few cracks in his sleek titanium exterior.

He's still fairly robotic about most things, but Monday, you won't believe this, he overslept. He didn't make it to the gym and he didn't make it to work until almost NINE A.M! As he rushed around the house getting ready to leave he kept screaming, Syntax Error! Syntax Error!

I laughed, mostly quietly to myself.

Other major programming failures of late:

My husband is unable to forward or reverse through a dvd without skipping to the next scene entirely. It's a simple mechanical movement requiring a combination of 'PRESS-HOLD-RELEASE-PLAY' Do not hit the forward button again, because if you do you'll skip to the next scene and if you are my husband this will release a flood of something resembling human emotion. Flailing and cursing follows.

"Please, just let me do it!" I beg.

"I am a highly sophisticated machine! I can handle the remote," he says.

But he can't. It's a lie.

This weekend my Robotic Spouse had the hiccups for a total of 23 hours. Every time I turned around "HICCUP!"

My Robotic Spouse is not a quiet hiccup-er. I hate when he gets the hiccups. Who makes a robot who gets the hiccups?

If you ever want to challenge Logan in a street fight, make sure he gets the hiccups before you start. You'll totally kick his ass because these hiccups completely incapacitate him. They're his Achilles Heel.

His hiccups come from the darkest places of his soul. If a bullfrog was possessed with the spirit of Linda Blair from 'The Exorcist', this is what it would sound like.

They aren't quiet hiccups. They aren't controlled. They are loud outbursts, that shake the windows. They debilitate him and make him moan with the torture of his diaphragm trying to declare itself independent. After an hour of the hiccups I want to tear his diaphragm out and send it to Canada (sorry, Canada) because no matter what he does the hiccups won't go away.

In the past I used to steam whenever he got the hiccups. A lot like Logan believes I can overcome the flu with the power of my mind, I kind of believed he was just hiccuping to annoy me. I didn't believe he really wanted to get rid of them.

So we'd lay in bed together, every 2-3 minutes there would be the sound of a demonic bullfrog and the whole bed would shake and I would beg him to hold his breath, or drink water from a glass upside down or take a spoonful of sugar. Remove your diaphragm. Please, just do something!

He'd try things, but between you and me, his heart wasn't in it. He really wanted the hiccups I think.

This weekend was different. He really wanted to get rid of the hiccups, I could see it in his eyes after hour 12. He agreed to let me help him. I'm really good at getting rid of my hiccups. I have a list of tricks and one of them always works, because I really want them to work.

My life motto? 'I control my diaphragm, my diaphragm doesn't control me.'

So I became his coach and we worked at getting rid of his hiccups.

He drank water upside down. He drank water while plugging his nose and his ears. He drank water while holding it in his left hand with his right arm extended and bent over his head. He took spoons full of sugar. Then peanut butter. Then motor oil.

Since he was being so compliant I started making things up.

'Just spin around until you're really dizzy. No, seriously...I'm reading it right here online. Seriously.'

'Okay, now try drinking water while running up and down the stairs.'

'This one suggests cleaning the bathroom, with lots of chemical cleansers. I think that might work!'

'Okay, this one says performing oral sex really works. What? It says so right here! Do you want to get rid of the hiccups or not. Look, I can't help you if you don't want to be helped.'

He got rid of them a few times, but they kept coming back. They keep coming back. At first it tickled me that my perfect husband couldn't stop hiccuping. I kept yelling SYNTAX ERROR! SYNTAX ERROR! at him, but now....now I'd like my robot back please.

Comments

[myllissa]

I get hiccups like that. Like a bullfrog is hiding somewhere in my belly. They really hurt! My stomach starts to cramp up like I did a million situps and my throat hurts from making that god aweful sound. I hate those.

In reference to the whole pooping while running thing? Does he run with you when it happens? Maybe if he did he'd be more sympathetic. He must not have a heart or something. How could you blow that off like it's nothing? There is definately something wrong with him. He really is a robot.

[Deborah]

I like the idea that oral sex can cure the hiccups. I am going to add that to my list of cures. In fact...I bet oral sex would cure my husband's athlete's foot.

[emily]

Hows the running going?I am trying to up my distance this week...and it is freaking killing me.I may very well shit my pants trying...I'll let you know.lol

[pinky]

Melissa, you just made me spit out my water, for real. You are TOO EFFING FUNNY. I love love love your sense of humor. It is a beautiful thing and thank god you share it with me. Well, me and many others :-)

[Melinda]

If I were drinking milk, it would most certainly have come right out my nose. I laughed the whole way through & will continue to laugh each time I think of Logan's hiccups...so, you've sort of given ME the hiccups--just the uncontrollable bursts of laughter variety!

[sarah]

Ooooooh! Just imagine all the things which might be cured by oral sex. The mind (and other parts) boggles.

[blackbird]

dontcha know the old bar trick? ya bite into half a lemon. stops em instantly.

[cursingmama]

Two things -
First - AWESOME post, very funny - I spit coffee at the computer screen, hopefully nobody in the vicinity noticed either the "incident" or the clean-up with kleenex.
Second - I have 2 pretty good hiccup enders. Tickle them a lot, until they might wet themselves. Besides being a lot of fun for the tickler it usually sends the cranky diaphragm for cover. The other is to scare the living crap out of the hiccupper (in this case until they might poo themselves as revenge for runners trotts!). Once again it's a lot of fun for the person giving the medicine. I like to hide in the house and then jump out at the victim, I mean patient, and yell something. Great Fun!

[Diana]

I LOVE your husband-as-robot stuff! I'm married to a robot, too...

[Shelly]

Ba ha ha! *wipes coffee off of monitor* My husband gets the hiccups in the middle of the night and they go on forever, shaking the bed, etc, but he can sleep through them. I CANNOT!

[Kimberly]

The only thing that works for me is breathing into a paper bag. I think the slow breathing regulates the diaphragm.

[Sarcomical]

Hey, props to any woman who can find more reasons to get her husband into that action! Seriously, that was so funny.
*Also, aren't hiccups weird? What the hell causes those things? I usually hold my breath and gulp a few times to get free. Your ways are pretty creative!

[thomas]

try a tablespoon or two of pickle juice.it works everytime, especially if he hates pickles.

[thomas]

try a tablespoon or two of pickle juice.it works everytime, especially if he hates pickles.

[chris]

Now I have an actual concrete reason NOT to run to tell my robotic husband LOL.

Too funny.

[katie]

I get weird hiccups too! I never heard of anyone having them like mine. They do sound like a frog and they hurt my chest. When I was younger and still living at home my parents would make fun of me. They didn't even believe they were hiccups. They thought I was burping! But really, they were painful, frog-like hiccups. Although I confess, I do secretly like shocking people with them sometimes.

[patti]

laughing my everlovin' ass off at this post just cured *my* hiccups.

good god you rock.

[briantologist]

The only way I'm ever able to cure hiccups is to hold my breath and contract every muscle I possibly can in my torso and FOCUS ON KEEPING EVERY SINGLE MUSCLE CONTRACTED AS HARD AS I POSSIBLY CAN which is difficult since I've got about four things in my whole body that qualify as muscles and one of them is my ass, and just when I'm about to pass out I usually realize my body's stopped thinking about hiccups.

Having said that, it seems like it'd be awfully hard to convince someone to do that, much less train them to do it.

And god help me, why is it that no matter how hard I try to be the best husband I can manage to be, I still quietly begrudge my betrothed for the unbelievable loudness of her sneezing? This, not the slew of random strangers I've beaten senseless, but this is what's going to land me in hell.

[Alice]

The best way to stop the hiccups: shit your pants. True!

My grandfather died after having the hiccups for 3 straight days. Actually true!

Actually, the hiccups caused an aortic aneurysm to rupture, but "your grandfather died of the hiccups" is what my parents told the 6-year-old me, who developed a mind-numbing terror of hiccups from that point forward. Thanks, helpful Mom and Dad!

[Bestaimir Vlad]

Maybe your constipated children need to take up running.

Very nice and useful site.

[Lisa]

You and my husband must read the same stuff on the 'net. He insists that giving blow jobs cures colds.

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