Time Lines

When we found out we were pregnant with Madison, it wasn't on our time line.

I'd planned on finishing school and then working for at least 5 years. During this time we would travel and buy a home and fix up our home and I would work and Logan would work and then we'd make a concious choice to start a family. First, we'd get a dog and then we'd have a baby because they are, after all, similar. Yes?

I always planned to leave the career I had built once we had children (human children), because we always thought one of us would be staying at home with our kids. But I had believed that by the time that happened, I would have the foundation of a career to return to once the children were older.

We would carefully plan our financial life around the fact that I would be leaving my source of income for a time while our children were little. We wouldn't get an outrageous mortgage and we wouldn't spoil our dog and we would save money.

Instead, after peeing on a lot of sticks in stunned disbelief, I found I was pregnant while I was still in college. I didn't have time to build that career...unless one typically builds a profoundly satisfying career in 9 months.

In one way it was a blessing, we were already poor since we'd never had two full time incomes in our marriage. We already ate a lot of pasta and didn't travel extensively and this new life we were facing was just more of the same. Also, since I didn't have a career to leave when I became a mother, I didn't lose that part of my identity. I didn't have to give up my money or my position.

In another way it's been extremely depressing. We've been poor for a long time. I know we're not really 'poor'. We are truly blessed and I say that without a hint of sarcasm. We have been able to stay afloat fairly well, all things considered, over the last 5 years.

Actually the trouble started about three and a half years ago. Logan worked for a small graphic design firm in Detroit. How I want to show you their stupid site and their logo which features extensive use of 'Avant Garde' and a dramatic multi colored crayon squiggle....but I shouldn't. That would be bitchy, I will resist.

Logan enjoyed working there and he worked very hard for the couple who owned the firm, and he was extremely well compensated for his work. He was also told, several times, he would one day take over the business as the owners had no children to give the business to. They came to our wedding and they came to our housewarming party and they sent along nice gifts when our daughter was born.

We felt they were kind of like family. Sure, kind of annoying family, but who's family isn't a little annoying?

Logan began to notice work had slowed down, he spoke to the owners of the firm and they had assured him everything was fine! We have work coming! Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.

In March of 2001, 5 weeks before Max was due Logan and the rest of the creative staff were 'laid off'.

I remember Logan had left for work and he came back home before Madison and I had even gotten out of bed. You see, he's a robot and arrives for work at 6am....how's that for work ethic? I asked him what he'd forgotten and he said, matter of factly, "I was laid off." and I played along saying, nonchalantly, 'Oh, too bad!'

Then, I couldn't play along, "No, seriously. What happened? No power at the office? Monica, suffering with PMS, shut down the office? Heh!

But he was serious, he was laid off and I can't tell you what happened next because I had one of my 'episodes' where I start manically talking and freaking out and saying, "No, no, no!!!! Why would they do this. We have to go talk to them! Change their minds! Don't they know I'm 35 weeks pregnant? Don't they know we all live on your income? Don't they remember we have a child and one on the way? They must have forgotten!"

A panic attack to end all panic attacks. My poor husband just saw the last 5 years of his career go down the toilet and there he was making me feel better. But there was no feeling better. We had no savings, because we were always living paycheck to paycheck. There was no parachute for us.

Was there a severance package? You would think...but no. What about insurance? We had a 4 week grace period and then nothing...not even COBRA because the firm was too small for us to qualify.

All I remember about that time was being cold and trying to get Max to be born before our insurance ran out. Thank God I was in a constant state of severe distress...because Max arrived 3 weeks early with 2 weeks left in our insurance grace period to get him born and his first round of doctor's visits.

Logan was home for the first 6 weeks of Max's life and this was very good news since I was a total basket case during that time. Leaving me alone with two children 2 and under would have been a very very bad idea. In fact sometimes I wonder if that was the whole reason (in the ultimate plan of the universe) he was laid off. Of course that doesn't explain the other 4 people who had to go down with us. (Oops! Sorry guys!)

After 6 weeks he did get a new job...and we were so thankful for this job! The only problem with this job was the HUGE pay cut it required (Huge=more than a third of our salary was cut).

At the time we convinced ourselves it wasn't that much.

"It's not that much! Really it's only like one half the gross national product of Gambia! That's not much, right!?"

But it is a lot. If we were making a million dollars, this paycut wouldn't have meant very much. But it was like we lost a really decent second income. Without the added cost of childcare, clothes for work, gas for the car....it was all money that had been pumping up our income which, even with that chunk of money, had meant no real disposable income.

When I first started writing this, the depressing part was the part where we didn't have any disposable income. But now the depressing part is how we lost this job which was like two incomes, when we'd already given up one income so I could stay at home. Also, it's kind of depressing to have the rug pulled out from under you by people you consider like family and have them financially crush your little family in a day.

What's really depressing is that even 3.5 years later we still have a huge gap in what we were making and what we make now and we've spent a lot of time trying to fill that gap and we haven't had great results with that.

Should I send them a thank you note or something? I could design it in Avante Garde (only I don't even have Avant Garde on my computer...I couldn't contaminate it) and a strategically placed crayon squiggle....just to make my message really POP!

When I was pregnant with Madison I remember Logan telling people proudly, when asked how many we would have, 'As many as we can afford.'

Then Madison was born and we realized, 'We really can't afford any of these little beings.'

But we just kept plowing forward digging our hole bigger and bigger to make up for the GNP of Gambia we'd lost. We kept pretending it wasn't that much money to lose and we tried to make our life move forward the way we'd planned. It really wasn't very smart to do that.

I lay awake at night berating myself for doing that and creating this mess we have now. No matter what we do we can't get those Gambians down in that hole we've dug to CREATE REVENUE!!! They're lazy, those Gambians.

Madison is going to school full time in the fall. Max will be going to preschool for 2.5 hours twice a week in the fall. It's starting to be time for me to restart my career.

Actually it's getting to be time for my career to start.

I can't tell you what kind of anxiety this fills me with: I have no career to go back to. I am a 30 year old woman with no experience and no marketable skills. (That's what I have on my cover letter...should I change that do you think?)

Sometimes I think Madison arrived in our lives at the exact right moment. Then other times, like when I'm facing rejoining a work force I was never really a part of, I think I wish she would have joined our family about 5-7 years later than she did.

I was working on my resume the other day. I laughed at it. I laughed and pointed at it and I think when I start interviewing that's exactly what will happen. I picture them calling everyone into the office to look at my resume, and they'll all have a good laugh.

"Oooh...would you look at that! She wrote and edited her MOMS Club newsletter! We're dealing with a real professional here people!"

I'm dreading it....only slightly less than I dread eating yet another 10 years worth of pasta.

Comments

[the girl]

You forget how many people read your site. Think of the references you have! I really believe that you will have no problem finding a job, one you like, as soon as you decide the time is right. Just keep breathing, and writing, and the hole will fill up.

[Lisa]

Girlfriend, you are a writer. But since I know there are few ads in the Sunday classifieds saying "witty writer needed, $100k DOE." Thats the job you need, me too.
We are in a very similar boat. I have to say I admire your making it pay check to pay check. We make it pay check to 3 days later we are broke again. We have too many kids- long story- 4. Thats easily 3.5 more than we can financially handle. I am just finishing my BA - 1 more class. But I have no work experience. I was president of my Mom's club- whooo hooo and I ran the lunch program at my daughter's school. Little experience in real grown up jobs though. And I am 40. We should start a firm. Moms, Inc.

[emily]

I am where you are too.I was actually offered a job this week.But you know what?I froze.I haven't really worked in so long I am terrified.It's such a big step.Will I remember how to work with adults?Will I walk around trying to wipe snot from my co-workers noses?Will I ask them repeatedly if they need to potty?

Hell,I've had a shit load of experience at being a mom,but not a professional.

There are some days...this totally sucks.

Every day that ends in Y.

[Jenn]

Welcome to our foxhole, Melissa. You'll recognize many of us here. Those of us who haven't ever been in the workforce for real, but who have been home with kids. We're a friendly bunch. (But remember, we hate the PTA and snotty MOMS clubs.)

You have talent, Melissa. Know that. And for goodness sake, you're a writer. Embellish that resume, girlfriend! ;-)

[jenB]

This may sound lame but... you are so fabulous. Talented writer, witty, not lazy, etc.. Someone is bound to figure it out if you (forgive the cliche) put yourself out there. I am for serious. Surely, someone will recognize what they have when they encounter Melissa... It breaks my heart that you are worried or anxious about it. I look forward to reading about when you get a fabulous job offer.

[Mabissa]

Can I just say that this is exactly the kind of crap I have been thinking about lately? Ugh. What is the universe up to...

Also, if you're terrified about jumping in to the work-force, how about a part time stint at a retail place, to get your feet wet and get your confidence boosted? Or a part time stint anywhere! :)

[Mabissa]

Can I just say that this is exactly the kind of crap I have been thinking about lately? Ugh. What is the universe up to...

Also, if you're terrified about jumping in to the work-force, how about a part time stint at a retail place, to get your feet wet and get your confidence boosted? Or a part time stint anywhere! :)

[Gary]

I hate small companies.
Almost everyone I've known has been F____ed by working for a small company.
According to the Small Business Administration (SBA) Office of Advocacy, two-thirds of new employer firms survive at least two years, and about half survive at least four years.
http://www.sba.gov/advo/stats/sbfaq.html
That means if you work for a small firm you have a 1 in 2 chance (Probably more) of loosing your job within four years (Probably less.)

And I know from personal experience that you can "stick it out" though the lean years only to have the owner completey ignore the fact that his/her company was built on your sacrifices.

I could go on and on ... When you start looking for work, remeber this the bottom line is : It is far more risky working for a small company.

By the way our family is kind of in the same boat … I'm pretty sure someone up there won't let it sink…Hang in there your day will come.
Did I mention that I hate small companies.

[psquared]

Word to the Mother!

All I can say is you rock, you're smart, you're sassy and gosh-darnit! People like you.
You're going to be fine. If you survived potty training you'll survive getting a job.

Good luck!

psquared

[Lil' Sis]

Lis, I am seriously going to kill you if your first step is not at least ATTEMPTING to submit some essays to MetroParent or Women's HealthStyle (dammit, I know the editor! COME ON!)or someplace. Or ALL of them! I don't know a single person who's read any of your pieces and hasn't laughed hysterically or cried. Well, you know, in an appropriate way... You even have a newspaper write-up for a reference, and look at this portfolio! COME ON NOW- you need to get THIS career going. As much as I love reading your thoughts for free, you deserve some income from your insane talent. Hell, I'd pay for it, and I'm your sister who has NOTHING in common with you!

Miao.

============================================
Ed Note: "Thanks for the submission, it's very sweet. I read it several times on
different days considering it very carefully. However, I can't use it. I
encourage you to submit again, maybe a different topic would suit us better."

WEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

[Kelly]

You ROCK! I say this in the nicest way possible, I am soooo damn envious of your writing ability ;) You will be added to my blog roll asap.

[lauri]

When I read your post I instantly thought, that’s me 7 years ago. I was married at 20, a mommy who hadn’t finished college by 22 and was enormously expecting my second child when I graduated from college at 25; not exactly the plan I had mapped out. We lived paycheck to almost paycheck, racked up some consumer debt and prayed we’d always make the mortgage. Daycare wasn’t an option, with my limited resume I’d never get a job that paid well enough to cover the daycare. I became depressed, I kept the house clean, the laundry done, and the kids safe, but I eventually stopped getting out of my pajamas, and while in the place I call the “dark time” realized my kids would be better off if I wasn’t a stay-at-home Mom. When my 1st child entered kindergarten I entered the job market; and even though my first back-to-work job didn’t pay great (and honestly I’m still there) we were able to pay for the daycare, the lunches, the gas, and still had a little left over to pay down the debt.

Today, almost 7 years later, the debt is gone. We have money in savings (novel idea), the kids haven’t been harmed by daycare, and I’m getting dressed everyday. I know putting yourself out there for potential employers to critique is very hard. I highly recommend polishing your resume with the help of “The Everything Resume Book” by Jay Nadler, it will help “fill in the blanks” and help you to see the skills you have gained while caring for your children and your family. Your writing is thoughtful, witty, honest, insightful and polished; be sure your potential employers see that in your resume. And, finally, don’t let anyone belittle any job you decide to take (even if it’s flipping burgers at M*Donalds or as a cashier at T*get- 10% discount) your most important job will always be that of mother, wife, sister, daughter, and friend; and if its a less glamorous career that makes your most important job easier, then so be it.

Good Luck!

[aurora]

i got pregnant while still in university, too. and for the first time in our marriage (7 years) we are both working. it will all work out - it really will! and i concur with all the gals' posts above - you are talented and you have an amazing spark - it will shine through when potential employers meet/read you.

[briantologist]

You might think about starting at a temp agency. From what I understand, most of them survey your skills, then match you up with compatible jobs, some of which can end up turning into full-time gigs. The pay's probably not great, but if you're not trying to live on it, ten bucks an hour isn't the worst you could do. Y'know, for experience's sake.

Sorry if you're not looking for advice. As Uberlord John "Men are from Mars" Gray dictates, since I am a man, I offer advice, rather than just listening.

By way of encouragement, you'll triumph. Rock on.

[Jennifer]

I really hate to keep coming here and posting bits of my own stories in relation to yours. So, I shall refrain. However, take it from one who knows these things (honest, I do!)...we don't follow a path to our life, life leads us where it wants us to go. And eventually, we end up exactly where we're supposed to be.

It will get better. You will find all the professional fulfillment you deserve, ultimately doing something you love. And when your future workday is done, whatever it turns out to be, at the very least you will put some money in the bank. At the very most, you will have the privilege of walking through your front door and into the arms of the people who make all of it worth it, in the end.

[dish]

Delurking here. The temp agency idea from briantologist is excellent. You're starting out fresh, why not figure out what you like and don't like and get paid for it at the same time? I have no idea where you live, but in my area, many of the colleges and universities will look to their temp pool for new hires because they can "try out" the person first. It often leads to a job.

I changed career paths a couple of years ago and had great luck with the book "What Color is Your Parachute." It's good for figuring out what you have to offer and how you might best present it to a potential employer. The other books mentioned earlier in this post are worth a look too.

Good luck!

[Hanna]

You are infinitely more interesting and talented to write professionally than most of the "parenting" columnists I see in my local publications. You've got 6 years of great on-the-job experience that you're parlaying into another career. Don't "they" say that our generation will have something like 4-6 different careers (and many more jobs) in our lifetimes? When I was in a position to hire people, it was always about the skills. And honey, you GOT skills! I agree with your sister - I love reading you for free, but would gladly pay for the privilege.

[Shano]

I'd buy a book you wrote. I'd buy a magazine with an article you wrote. You're my fav bloggist and I look forward to your latest adventures. Come on! You're too talented for a REAL job.

[WindyLou]

Time lines are a good thing - usually. If my parents had waited, there may not have been a me or my brother and definitely not my sister. My mom was 20 when I was born, a semester or two of college under her belt. She stayed home with me and in a few years my brother came along. While she was pregnant with my sister, our father died. About a year later, my mother remarried. After a few years we learned that he could not have children. My mother eventually finished school and has been a teacher for 16 year. So don't fret over missing your time line too much.

[rose]

I'd be right behind Shano in the line to buy your book.
You're a complete stranger to me. Yet, I check your blog every day because you make me laugh - laugh so hard that the endorphins are released. Your blog is like a vitamin for me!
Now, about your resume. You're a much better writer than I am, so you can surely tweak the following idea: You are a family manager. You are able to meet the needs of several demanding people, while adhering to a tight budget, and adapt to unpredictable hours of work. You are able to maintain your composure while dealing with difficult and unreasonable people. You are able to keep focussed on long-term goals, even when short-term advancement occurs in a frustratingly slow manner. You mentor others in similar career paths vis-a-vis your humorous blog.
It's been my experience that there are two "camps" when it comes to reacting to someone who has put her career on hold to stay home with small children. On one side, are the resentful people, who will always view you as a freeloader of some sort. The other side respects your decision and values the skills that you can bring to their organization. You will recognize the latter when you see it, and please do ignore the former.

[heather]

C'mon honey. You got Max potty trained. Max! This getting-a-job-thing should be a piece of cake in comparison.

I really believe that being a mum teaches you a lot of valuable skills - time management, multi-tasking, diplomacy. And to top that all off, you have this amazing writing ability. You should get paid for it!

All the best.

[Beerzie Yoink]

Well, we are in the same boat over at Beerzie Estates. (Three boys under eight and two parents in a two bedroom, 1000-square foot house.) Beerzie Girl stays at home for now and faces the same dilemma.

It's rough, sure, but look at it this way: You're staying afloat now. Anything you make will be gravy. So start at the entry level -- even at a shitty wage -- doing something you like or in a position that will get you to where you want to be. You can't make any less than you are now.

[beth]

I came over from the leery polyp, this is the first entry I've read, you could have been writing about me (well, almost). I got pregnant on my honeymoon, after being told I couldn't conceive. I was so happy that I was having a baby, but also shocked. I was 22, and was working in a position so far from what I wanted to do. I thought I needed more time.
My baby is one now, just last week. And I'm still working full-time trying to support my baby and unemployeed husband on a salary of less than 30K. We bought a house in November, then in January, my husband's hours got cut to half-time, then three weeks ago he was laid off. I can't believe this shitty luck. And I seriously don't know how much longer we'll be able to live on my salary alone. My husband has to get back into the work force, but he has no skills.

I'm sure there are so many young parents out there who never had time to start their careers and are now faced with this dilemna. And I agree with the other girls who've commented, WRITE A BOOK! I'll buy it. Good luck!

[Dan]

At the very least, try freelancing for some of the parenting magazines! Experience isn't as big of deal. Just track down some editors' email addresses and pitch some of those great article ideas I know you probably have.

-d