The Big Boy Bed Is Ruining My Life.

When Logan goes out of town I like to do little jobs around the house...to improve it. One year I replaced all our dreadful metal mini blinds with big, thick, beautiful Wide Slat Blinds. I hung them all by myself, and there were those who didn't believe in my power. But I did it and they're even still up!

During another trip I created a photo gallery in our hallway with some lovely oak I crafted into small ledges to hold our picture frames. I cut them (in a straight line) with a small jigsaw and then I sanded them and then I stained and varnished each of the pieces and I glued them and then nailed them together. I hung them on the wall using a stud finder and a level and they even stayed up!

FYI: They don't call oak a hard wood for nothing, as I realized after 7 nails bent like a set of wacky rubber joke nails and wouldn't go through the wood. You must drill pilot holes first! If you'd rather not do that be prepared for swear words to spill forth from your mouth that will make your mother weep.

While Logan's away this time, I plan on improving our home by doing something a little unconventional. I'm thinking of selling our son in a yard sale where I'll hide him among all of those 4 million t shirts of Logan's which I'll also be selling and some unsuspecting soul will take him home thinking he's a cute 'free gift' only to find that HE NEVER SLEEPS.

But I don't take returns so he's all yours!

He's all yours at 1am when he walks around your entire home turning on every single light in the entire house.

He's all yours when he walks in your room at 2am saying...cheerfully!...."I had a good sleep!"

He's all yours when he wakes you at 2, 4 and 6am saying, frantically, "I have to go pee pee!!!!" Then he only goes a tiny little bit and you want to shake him and curse him for having inherited his father's grape sized bladder. 'DAMN YOU ADORABLE LITTLE BOY WITH THE GRAPE SIZED BLADDER!'

Again, I remind you, I don't take returns. Good luck!

Sleep is very important to us in this family. I've covered this topic, a lot. It seemed like everyone in this house was getting on board with the sleep thing...we all seemed to have a mutual understanding. Then Max was born, and he ruined everything. He started to fall in line, but now he's up and down and up and down all night and I'm getting really really tired.

It all started when we took him out of his crib. He's nearly three and a half now and really it was ridiculous to still have him in his crib. He looked positively adolescent in there. When I found that 'Penthouse' wedged in the bars of the crib...I knew it was time. I mean, he needs a mattress and a box spring to hide his porn properly.

But I knew, I KNEW this would happen! So I put it off for a really long time.

The first night I expected him to freak out but it was totally uneventful. I was thrilled and I thought maybe I would finally be able to forgive Max for keeping me awake for 15 entire months. I was so relieved with how well this dreaded milestone had turned out, I decided to start potty training a week later.

"Good feelings gone."

I do not deal with sleep deprivation very well at all. Unlike my husband, who can plug himself into a wall and recharge in a few short hours, I need sleep. I need it for a long time and I need it uninterrupted and I need it every single night. Or else I start losing my mind and I behave like someone who didn't realize she wouldn't sleep very well once she had children. It's really unbecoming and I'm embarassing my family with my inability to handle this.

Listen, universe, I promise I won't have another child...ever again. I know I got in over my head, but I really need to sleep if this is going to work out.

Did I mention how he's dropping his nap also and he's really about as unpleasant as me when he doesn't get enough sleep. Did I also mention how it's summer vacation and both my kids are home with me all the time and they never do much of anything without me and without a nap I'm missing out on my quiet time and I really need that quiet time, especially when I haven't had enough sleep.

Also, did I mention how I've become the official 'Activities Coordinator' for the 'SS Summers'? Because somehow that's become my job and they're not easily entertained. It's the pool and nature centers and museums and the farm and the beach and hiking and picnics and concerts and the zoo and HOLY FUCKING SHIT this is exhausting trying to keep them entertained.

I probably won't have a yard sale to sell Max while Logan's away. I mean I'm really tired and do you have any idea how much work it takes to have a yard sale? I'm the walking dead for God's sake I can't have a yard sale.

Ebay though, Ebay's easy.

Comments

[kalisah]

you are, without a doubt, one of the best writers I've ever read.

[Linda]

Great reading there. Do you like coffee?

I have to wonder why at 35 we're trying for our second child when one is challenging enough. Ah, one more won't kill me. Right?

[emily]

I have the pic of Seth picked out,if your still interested in the "two for one" deal.I think it shows off his (decieving)innocent blue eyes.

[patti]

So being the Julie McCoy of the Summers' isn't exactly what you had in mind, ay?

God, I'm still laughing at the "I had a great sleep!" line. The visual of that; the cheerful little brown eyed face peering over your mattress top in the dark, appearing to you most likely like a rosy cheeked devil coming to rob you of sleep forevermore.

You poor thing. I HATE NOT SLEEPING!

I hope Max gets it and gets it quick, otherwise, he may be up on the auction block, and with an eBay disclaimer like, "Warning: 2 hours of sleep constitues a totally refreshing 'great sleep' for this one", I don't see him getting too many bids. ;o)

[Marissa]

Go rent a copy of Postcards From The Edge, and watch that part where the daughter confronts her mom about giving her sleeping pills when she was a kid. Show that to your son, and explain to him that if he can't sleep like a normal child, he may end up being an actress with a bad reputation for having a drug habit because his mother couldn't take the sleepless nights anymore!

[Jenah]

Hi there - this is my first visit. [came on over from Christie@14.org] Gotta say - what a fab entry. Very entertaining...and it hit home. My son is 7 now, but I remember. Thanks for sharing - I'll be coming back by! =)

[Gary]

OK…I get the scenario: up all night … up and down all night … grape sized bladder …. Got it.
If you can hang in there a couple more years ( without selling him ) you can make his chores all the ones that would be best accomplished at night. He could do the laundry, that way all of the lazy sleepers in your house can wake up crisp clean shirts and undies. Teach him to grind and brew coffee…AHHHHH! Why not make breakfast for whole the house. Finally after he has mastered these tasks teach him to do the dinner dishes. That way you just cover the dirty ones with a dish towel, and in the morning they are squeaky clean. One more thing under no circumstances let him have anything to drink between 6pm and 6am. If this doesn't work e-bay sounds good.

[AnneWhitney]

I was going to suggest the, uh, pharmaceutical approach, but you really don't want to turn him into Carrie Fisher - but I have heard rumors from elderly relatives about sherry being useful in these situations - probably no real harm in that :)

[Julia]

Depends on the sherry.

[Misty]

I don't "work" either, and I don't think people always realize that being home with the kids is many times much harder than having a job. I was asking one of my aunts her trick for potty training, and she said that her sitter had done most of it. I was so jealous. My daughter pee pee'd all over our new IKEA couch. Have you seen that Seinfield episode where that guy whizzed on Jerry's sofa? I felt very similar. I was amazed to say, it came clean! Now, it's actually working. It's good to hear I'm not the only one who mentally almost went on overload duing the process of toilet training.