I'm Pretty Sure Making Fun Of Your Mother Puts You In The Carpool Lane To Hell.

My mother is afraid of the air conditioning in her car. She refuses to use it. She truly believes her car is a fiery inferno just waiting to happen. Sometimes I force her to turn it on and she's tense at every stop light and if we get stuck in traffic, forget it and just put down the windows, because there's nothing worse than watching my mother wait for her car to burst into flames!

Once she drove to Indianapolis to visit my brother and his wife. When she arrived she was totally unrecognizable as our mother. Her hair was a wild tangled mess on top of her head, like Medusa and underneath the wild hair was nothing but a puddle of sweat.

When my brother opened the car door my mother seeped out onto the driveway.

My brother said, "Mom?"

"Yes, it's me! I made it!"

"But what happened to you?"

"What do you mean?"

Then my brother realized what happened. "Muth-errrr! It's 105 degrees....why didn't you use your air conditioning?"

The puddle of sweat with the wild hair on the driveway said, "I did...it's just when I got into the city...I worried the car would overheat so I turned it off. It's no big deal, I'm fine!"

She was lying, she hadn't used the air conditioning at all the entire drive, because the car may have burst into flames! Better a puddle on the driveway than a deep fried woman on the side of the freeway I guess.

Once while Logan was out of town, my water heater's pilot light went out. Since I went to college, own a home, gave birth to a child out of my own vagina and because I was 27 at the time...I was obviously far too young to take care of this problem on my own.

I did all I could do and called my mother and asked her to deal with it. When she went to light the pilot a blast of flames came out from the hot water heater and my mother's eyebrows were singed right off her face.

My mother stood up and looked very shocked, well she would have looked shocked if she had any eyebrows to express her emotions with her face.

"I'm fine" she insisted.

"Muth-errrrrr! Your eyebrows were just BURNED off your face! You are not fine. Holy shit!"

"No, no...I'm fine. Really...it's no big deal. Those eyebrows were always too expressive anyway. Let's just thank God I don't use my car's air conditioning. I'd have lost a lot more than my eyebrows."

And in that moment I knew I should never have become a mother because if Madison calls me over to her house and I burn my God Damned eyebrows off my face lighting her hot water heater's pilot....there will be some intense freaking the fuck out. There will be guilt and pained screaming. And things said just to hurt her feelings like, "How could you do this to me!? Max was always my favorite."

See? Should not be a mother. Also, I'm going to hell because I really like my eyebrows and I was glad it was my mother's that were singed off and not mine. And also I'm going to a special very hot place in hell because whenever I tell the story of my mother's eyebrows...I laugh. A lot. I can't help it.

My mother has an extreme phobia of snakes. If you have a phobia, it would be wise to never mention your phobia to my siblings and I.

My mother didn't know this rule and repeatedly expressed extreme fear of snakes. The 'ssssss' sound freaked her out. The word 'slither' made her somewhat manic. The reptile house at the zoo was only tolerable if she stared at the floor the entire time she walked through.

As you can imagine this type of fear is something children like to play with. Much like unexpectedly turning on the car's a/c! In traffic! "You kids won't be happy until we all blow up, will you?!"

One day my brother put a rubber snake in the microwave we all sat back to watch the scene unfold. And unfold it did moments later when my mother opened the microwave and comically threw the frozen vegetables straight up in the air, she then threw her arms over her head and went running right through the plate glass window in our dining room, plunging to certain death two stories below.

That isn't even the tragic part. The tragic part is how we all couldn't breathe because we were laughing so hard and we couldn't help because we couldn't stop laughing. And everytime we looked out the window and saw our mother laying in the shrubbery below our dining room window....we started laughing again.

Because we're evil children and we deserve to go to hell.

She didn't really die though, but while she lay in the shrubs she weakly called up to her laughing children in the dining room, "I appear to have fallen. Dinner is going to be a little late tonight. I'm very sorry about the delay."

Another night, I begged my mother to take me to the store to buy something...like the latest Tiger Beat or something else equally stupid. And she agreed, because she's like that. She wants to make me happy even though I'm an eyerolling little ass hole who laughs when she hurls herself from a window because of my practical jokes.

"Does your sister want to come along?" my long suffering mother asked.

"No, she's on the phone."

But secretly, my sister did want to come! Before I asked my mother to take me to the store, my sister and I had planned an elaborate 'Scare The Shit Out Of Mom' scheme.

My mother and I hopped in the car, a hatch back with split fold down seats, and nothing appeared out of the ordinary. But what my mother didn't notice was half the back seats weren't latched and my sister wasn't on the phone in the house.....she was hiding in the trunk!

We drove a little way and slowly my sister pushed open the backseat and quietly emerged from her hiding spot. But it was dark and I was talking frantically and my mother didn't even notice.

She didn't notice until my sister reached up in the dark and grabbed my mother's shoulders and screamed 'BOO!'

It all seemed very funny at first. My mother turned glow in the dark white as the color drained from her face and she began screaming. But then things turned decidedly un-funny when she lost control of the car and drove right over the side of a bridge and we all went plunging to our deaths.

But you know, we didn't die. But we should have because as we lay there my sister and I could barely stop laughing long enough to perform CPR on our mother...who we'd just given a heart attack.

You know what though, I'm writing this as though I feel kind of bad about all the torture we've given my mom over the years...I do feel kind of bad. But also I'm still laughing.

The main things to remember from this post: Melissa is going to hell. Her mother is a saint. Melissa should not have become a mother. Do not reveal weaknesses, because I will use them to make myself laugh.

Comments

[justsomegirl]

okay, i'm sitting here, at 1am, laughing like a psychotic.

y'all are evil evil children.

absolutely awesome. LMAO

[Heather]

----- Since I went to college, own a home, gave birth to a child out of my own vagina and because I was 27 at the time...I was obviously far too young to take care of this problem on my own.----- I found myself saying somehting along these lines to the cell phone guy who told me I was too young to get a second line. WT?

[Sheryl]

HI-FREAKIN-LARIOUS!

[Heather]

My mother is afraid of snakes too. So I did what any other teenage girl would do, insisted I have a pet snake. It was just a little one. But I don't think my mom has ever recovered from when my snake escaped.

My mom has yet to figure out how to operate a v.c.r., d.v.d. and god forbid THE INTERNET!! She giggled like a teenager when I showed her how to use different fonts in an email. Maybe next time I'll show her how to use different colors too.

[Jenn]

Oh surely you are going to hell, Melissa. But at least we know you will be there to entertain the rest of us! ;-)

Too Damn Funny, girl!

[Alice]

No, you're going to hell because you just caused me to spew Oreo bits all over my computer screen and keyboard.

[shawn]

I am seriously and literally LMAO over here - we obviously have the same SICK sense of humor, and i'm going to hell right along with you!!! :) (my 4 year old keeps saying 'MOM, what IS so funny?!) LMAOOOOOOOOOO what's funny is he'll pull the same sick stuff on me!!!!

[big brother]

What about the time Mom "stuffed the turkey" Christmas Eve and the ensuing riducule left your friend Jerry (sp?) saying, "I need a shower before I go to midnight mass" Jenn claims we are too hard on her but she is always right in there egging it on!

[Melissa]

Believe me I tried to fit 'Stuffing The Turkey' in somewhere here...but it really needs an entire other entry.

[Katy]

My mom who CAN operate a VCR and is slowly figuring out the internet has a DEATHLY phobia of snakes. She can barely stand to visit me because I live 3 blocks from the zoo which at it's far end has a snake house. I used to have to go through her magazines to tear out pictures of anything that might resemble a snake. There IS no walking through the snake house here. Stay away from my mommy.

[emily]

lol...My sides are hurting here.We tortured my mother too,not sure if we were quite this bad or not.

[Melissa]

You mean you tortured her, but didn't actually kill her?

Amateur.

[Candi]

I think I love you! I just had the best laugh and truly needed it today. Your writing is fabulous. Jeff thought I was going crazy because I could hardly breathe between my laughing.

[Lisa]

Okay I mess with my kids, husband and parents the way you do with your mom. Save me a room next to you in hell.

[Rebecca]

You really are an evil person Melissa. Tears of laughter and joy are running down my cheeks. I couldn't be more proud unless you were one of my own.

Can I count on you to burn in the fiery depths of hell with me?

[Poppy]

The lesson in this: never, ever let your children know that you have fear of any sort! As far as my daughter is concerned, I think snakes rock! I love them so much that I use a special door at the reptile house when we go to the zoo. Yeah. One for people who really dig snakes. That's why I'm not out there with her and people who only mildly enjoy reptilia. That's right. I go to the special snake-enjoyment section of the reptile house. She could go with me, but not until she learns to love snakes more.

Yeah. That's it. Mama has no fear!

(Totally, completely reduced to a quivering hysterical puddle by this post, Melissa. Funniest. Thing. Ever.)

[jenn]

The MOST funny of all blogs to date!!! I took and laughed until I cried.

[jenn]

The MOST funny of all blogs to date!!! I took and laughed until I cried.

[jo]

Oh my god that was good. My sides hurt.

[Lisa]

My mom can't figure out personalized license plates. Things like 'OU812' and 'COWGRL' just leave her shaking her head.

You know those bugs, cicadas I think, who crawl out of their exoskeleton and leave the crazy shell clinging to the wall? When my brother and I were little, we used to take the shell and carefully attach it to my mom's shirt. She'd scream bloody murder each time she saw one on her shoulder. But we'd be so busy laughing that we never did see if she took it off herself or what. I wonder what she did?

[cursingmama]

Oh my goodness - that was too funny! I love it when kids torture their parents, unless its my kids torturing me, that is decidedly NOT ALLOWED.

I do have a fab/gruesome/faces of death like photo of a snake that you might want to use for future torture...it involves a man that shouldn't have fallen asleep and a VERY large man eating snake - EWWWWW - - if you're interested drop me a note!

[cursingmama]

And I forgot - - you are sooo going to hell - - most likely in a "hand basket"

[Lil' Sis]

There was the time that Dad made me tape a photo from my Ranger Rick magazine of a snake in the microwave that left mom partially blind in her left eye from the stroke, too... Man, was THAT funny!
I just saw an ad for the new Anacondas movie. I was debating "surprising" the Bonster with a trip to it, but considering I want to keep my head connected with my neck, i will settle for another rubber snake in the christmas present. It's been, like 2 years since I pulled that one on her. She's getting too comfortable.
(this is coming from the girl who wrapped packaging tape around the cat's paws A LOT when she was little...)

miao.

[AnneWhitney]

I about died laughing here - I have tears running down my face - I'm an only child so there was no such fun in my house - I rolled my eyes plenty but there was no one there to see it.

[kt]

OK after just gorging myself on chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream, it almost all came back up bc i was laughing so hard at this post. you are truly hilarious and made my day. i added u to my blogroll.... KEEP POSTING!

[Tex]

Wait a minute, where my children in the house when you were doing those things to your mother? Is that why Danny acquires a facial tic everytime you enter the room?...

[Sarcomical]

Wow, your mom sounds like a forgiving woman! Did her eyebrows grow back thicker than before? ;)

You had waaayyy too much fun when you were a kid! Lord, I'm jealous!

[kalisah]

going to hell, hell. I think you're a GOD.

[NotDonnaReed]

LMAO!!! You are hilarious. You made me laugh so hard my husband just woke up and said "Whaaaa?"

I, too, have an irreverent sense of humor. One time, at a McDonald's PlayPlace, I saw this stupid little kid positioning himself to go down the slide face first. I knew that no good could come of this. His mother was standing right there, and I don't know why she didn't stop him. The kid went down the slide like a rocket, and at the end he was airborne. I don't know how far he flew, but he landed face first in the mulch. When he stood up, he had pieces of mulch sticking out of his mouth. It was the funniest damn thing I had ever seen. I laughed so hard, I was crying. Unfortunately, the woman and her stupid kid had to walk right past me to get to their car, and she gave me the dirtiest look ever. I just wish I'd had a video camera.

[Jessica]

Funny!! Glad I wasn't the only one who tortured her mother... I know payback will come when my son gets older. Great site.

[Jerri Ann]

I don't know if you will ever see this but I am crying I am laughing so hard and may spit baby #2 out of my cooch right now at 21 weeks from all the straining. I am printing this to go read to dh who is in the tub. I am an only child had little to no fun with my mom likes this, ever!

[blackbird]

my mother-in-law is afraid of her power windows. she won't use em cause the switch might break and it could rain and then where would she be?

[blackbird]

my mother-in-law is afraid of her power windows. she won't use em cause the switch might break and it could rain and then where would she be?

[Shelby]

Shame on your for causing the untimely death of a 2-weeks-shy-of-20 year old college junior.

Headline: STUDENT FOUND LAUGHED TO DEATH.

Surely a possibility. Its merely a matter of time.

[steph]

LMAO! You're freakin' HILARIOUS! Me and my four siblings tortured my mom when we were little (which eventually resulted in her need for institutionalization) but never anything that awesome! My mom was (unfortunately) too smart to let us in on her phobias, so we had to go to extreme lengths to discover them. When we did though, ooooh buddy, watch out!

On a side note, my mom always made us roll down our power windows when we went over a bridge. This was just in case we inadvertantly drove over the edge and plunged into the treacherous waters below, which would then short out the battery, leaving our power windows unusable. We would then be unable to escape our car-turned-final-resting-place, which would of course result in our slow, terrifying deaths. You should tell YOUR mom about this, and pass the fear along...

[Erin]

I don't know when I laughed so hard. I seriously hope that you buy your mother fabulous gifts. I love your evilness.

[Susan]

Thanks for the shout-out Melissa. I enjoyed getting to meet you and the fabulous tour put on by Laura and Laura – yay for Tastefull Tours and for more frequent visits to Detroit! I also laughed so hard at your rubber snake post; it made me wonder if you ever wrote up the “stuffing the turkey” incident as mentioned in the comments? Happy long weekend!