Sweet Dreams

Today I saw the doctor.

I've been slowly reaching the bottom. I won't bore you with the details but today I bored my doctor with the details. I talked about the 'Big Deal' and the elephant nightlight and swallowing my children after dipping them in fine belgian chocolate.

He seemed stunned. I don't blame him. Who knew belgian chocolates were so delicious?

Also he thought it odd that I'm always tired. No matter how much sleep I get I'm still tired. I've been into the office about this issue in the past and the bloodwork didn't show anything. At that time I wasn't under a lot of stress or strain, but I was always exhausted. I was sleeping 8-12 hours in a night and was still always exhausted, never refreshed when I dragged myself from my bed.

Now I'm depressed, so getting out of bed takes a lot of effort and encouragement...mainly fears of my children burning down the house.

So he theorizes that, although I'm depressed and overstressed, I'm most likely not coping well with the real stress of my life because I'm not sleeping properly. He likened my sleep deprivation to a child who gets overtired and can't cope with life in general.

I found this comparison amusing, comparing me to an overtired child since I really am nothing but a flailing infant pretending to be a grown up. I also found it amusing that he doesn't classify contemplating eating your children 'Coping Well'. He's obviously never dipped his children in belgian chocolate. Irresistible.

So I'm on a new medication and honestly I fear once I'm not depressed anymore I won't have anything to talk about here. I'll have to close down Suburban Bliss because now I'll just be happy all the time and who wants to read about how happy my day was and how the sun was shining and it warmed my face and life is just swell!

In fact my newest plan is to spend 2-3 months in angst ridden creative mode, where I'll stop my medication and drink nothing but bourbon and I'll write! Write! I'll feel slightly insane and depressed and out of this will come wonderful work. But also I won't be able to get out of bed or be a parent.

So then! I'll go back on medication and I'll spend 2-3 months being a nice mommy and I'll sell all the depressive work I've just created while drunk and insane. Then I'll feel boring and I'll decide to go off my medication again. And so on and so on. Won't that be a pleasant childhood for the children?

I thought so too.

(Remind me to tell you about my Aunt Kay sometime....or, as we 'affectionately' called her, 'Aunt Kay-razy!')

Anyway. The sleep problem. He thinks I have Sleep Apnea. Actually, he'd like to make sure I don't have Sleep Apnea, subtle difference there.

I have large tonsils. (Doesn't that sound a little dirty?) I mentioned them before. Specifically, my Sinister Right Tonsil.

The doctor thinks maybe my tonsils are choking me in my sleep and making me unable to fall into a deep sleep pattern.

Do you have any idea what this means?! I get to go to a Sleep Clinic!

All they want me to do is sleep! For hours! This is as close to a vacation I'm getting. I'm hoping they need many many nights of data to diagnose my specific problem.

As long as the 'cure' doesn't involve this. I don't need to look like a porn star when I get in bed, but come on?

The only downside to the sleep center I can come up with (beside the possibility of that thing coming home on my face), is the fact that all the nurses and doctors will see, with their own eyes and several recording devices....my excessive sleepy time drooling issue.

There I said it. I drool in my sleep.

Comments

[sarah]

Dude,
I doubt you'll have to wear a mask. More likely a tonsilectomy...
Not fun as an adult, but let me tell you as a person with a sleep disorder (now cured) I feel a heck of a lot less anxious and depressed not than when I wasn't sleeping deeply.

My cousin and my hairdresser had the palate surgury (they were both tonsil free) and it helped ALOT.
Sarah

[nicole]

now i'm convinced I have some sort of sleep disorder. i'm always exhausted as well... but i blame in on the medication. i used to blame it on smoking, but now i'm all straight and shit. blah.

[jenB]

oh dear, doesn't everyone? we all do here, including the baby.

[robert]

That 3 months off / 3 months on plans sounds like a shrewd career move. Let me know how it works. I'm getting my calendar and some pills ready. Seriously, though, good luck with the sleep center.

[AGK]

I drool in my sleep, too. In fact, it often wakes me up. Drowning in puddles will do that. Maybe THAT's the problem. AH! I have diagnosed you. Drool Syndrome. That'll be...*checks own outstanding medical bills*...$6,097 please. I take checks, money orders and PayPal. And cash, of course. Thank you!

[chris]

I am LOL at your calling the sleep study a vacation. My dh is supposed to be going for one also, and I really hope he doesn't come home with one of those masks! He too never feels rested and needs so much sleep it annoys me! There I said it...I am a cold-hearted bitch ;-)

As an aside, have you had your thyroid checked? I had alot of the same symptoms that you have mentioned and my thyroid was in the normal...but low normal range. I went to an endocronologist who put me on synthroid and it has been a miracle drug.

Good Luck.

[hez]

I'm extremely cranky if I don't get enough sleep. Just ask my husband.

I was wondering about your thyroid too - it can put you in a serious funk if it's low and hypothyroidism is quite common in women. You did say the blood work checked out okay, so I'm assuming they tested it?

Someone I know was getting migranes all the time. After doing one of those sleep studies, they realized he had sleep apnea. He doesn't have to wear the honking top gun mask - just one of those breath easy type strips that football players wear.

Hope you get some much needed Zzzzs.

[Melissa]

Thyroid checked out twice and we're having more blood drawn to check my b-vitamin levels.

It does sound like thyroid doesn't it though? My hair has stopped growing too.

[Sheryl]

If it is sleep apnea, that is diagnosable! and fixable! There are no two words quite as beautiful as that when dealing with a mysterious ailment that is kicking your ass.

[emily]

Hope you don't have to have the mask.I mean it's sexy and all....but it could get in the ay.Ya know.lol

[Heather]

You sound just like me, but we have no insurance so I can't see a doctor. Hm... can I just borrow your diagnosis?

[Christina]

My grandparents have those face masks...both of them, Their bedroom looks like a scene out of a science fiction television show. You know the ones with a budget of about $10.00. Good luck with the sleeping.

[cursingmama]

A story about spending the night at a sleep clinic - - would make a great first article. I'm sure you could sell it to any number of womens magazines.....

[Poppy]

My husband was diagnosed with sleep apnea about a year ago and he wears one of those sex-ay masks.

I'm a little afraid of it.

But, lemme tell ya, I am so turned on by the mask, when my other option is sleeping with a man whose snores sound like the main event at a monster truck rally.

He does sleep so much better with the creepy mask. He really does.

[Marissa]

I worked as a technician at a sleep clinic. Be prepared!!
1. Bring nice PJ's, because chances are you're going to get some young dorky kid seeing you in your sleeping finery, and you know he'll laugh about you if you wear your playboy-bunny patterned boxers and a wife-beater to bed.
2. Your scalp will most likely become host to several wires and goopy-junk, and to get that stuff to stick to you they'll scrape away at your scalp with a sandy, gritty cream. FYI.
3. You'll probably also get your legs scraped at with the gritty cream too.
4. They'll also most likely tell you which side to sleep on - left, right, and prone - to see if you snore worse on your back than on your sides, or if there is no difference at all. So if you don't like to sleep on the right or left, you'll find this pretty tough.
5. If they find that you are snoring enough to make you stop breathing (apnea), chances are you WILL have to wear the CPAP mask for a part of the night, so they can tell your doctor whether or not it will help you reach deep sleep levels.
6. I would bring a digital camera with you, to document this experience. If not for your amusement, then to show your chocolates - I mean - children what lengths you'll go to for the betterment of their childhood.
7. Good luck!

[sarcasticjournalist]

I've SOOO wanted to go to a sleep clinic! I hope you feel better and that things get better for ya. Seriously.

[jen]

Hi! Been reading and enjoying your site for some time...Just a thought on the tonsil/tired issue-- I had chronically infected (ew) tonsils for years. They were enlarged, but didn't really give me problems. Turns out they were like a low grade infection my body was persistently fighting, which made me tired! I haven't been sick since I had them out 2 years ago (not fun-- wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy) and my energy levels are much better. Thought it worth mentioning...

[Alison]

I've only just started reading your blog so I'm not totally sure how long you've been depressed or how loosely you use the term...but, in any case, excessive tiredness and oversleeping are among the symptoms of clinical depression.
Doctors are wise to rule out any possible physical reasons for the low energy first and I wish you the best of luck with the sleep clinic. At the best, your sleep problem will be fixed and at the least, you'll get a mini-vacation and an interesting experience to write about. Sounds great to me!
In my case, I spent a year trying to treat a major iron deficiency before being diagnosed with depression. Once diagnosed, I was put on an anti-depressant and sleeping pills. I was pretty leary about going on sleeping pills but they did wonders, after a few days of bad side effects while I got used to them. I started dreaming again and waking up refreshed. Turns out that it was a bit of a vicious cycle...my iron was low because I was too tired from depression to eat properly and the low iron contributed to me being tired.
There are a lot of great books out there on depression (you probably know that already) and a little research can help immensely. Good luck with everything. Your sense of humour is obviously still intact and that can make all the difference.

[chris]

I had my thyroid levels checked for *years* before finally going to the endocronologist. It always came back on the low side of normal, but normal...not borderline or anything.

My hair stopped growing and my skin was really dry. And the weight I had gained during my second pregnancy would not come off, even though I had previously been skinny my entire life without working at it. And then there was the depressive fog.

I hope you get your answers soon!

[jsg]

hi. you are now going through what i did in 1999. i had sleep apnea and i was ALWAYS tired. i would stop breathing and wake up without realizing i was waking up.

i did the sleep clinic thing and it really wasn't so bad. you stay in a private room and have some things hooked up to you - but for the most part you are alone. i watched tv, read a little and then went to sleep. at some point in the night he came in and asked me to wear the CPAP. then i woke, showered and went to work. it really wasn't all that bad, all things considered.

i had a UPP and a tonsilectomy two days later after he read my results.

i stayed home for almost 2 solid weeks in horrible pain from the surgery - and wished daily that he would have let me have the CPAP. but, now some 4 years later - it's better.

don't stress it out - it's not nearly as bad as some will let you believe.

[Joye]

I love this blog. You must stay off medication and continue to make me laugh on a constant basis! I actually laughed out loud when I read your drool confession.
I'm jealous of you going to the sleep clinic...hmm, maybe I should create a sleep apnea concern of my own for my doctor? After all, I am basically all but stressed out and sleep very little these days. Wish I could come with you on your little apneatic vacation! (and yes, I created that word...)

[Heather]

Let us know if they figure out why you're always tired. I'm that way too and my doc can't figure it out.

[Jerri Ann]

hey, you sound like me and all these other folks posting here today but I have one extra tidbit of advice. Have an endocrinologist check your iron, my levels weren't terribly low but as it tu3rned out the size of my rbc were too small and irregularly shaped, therefore they weren't doing their job...thus iron has helped immensely...and sleeping pills God Bless the inventor of sleeping pills!

[Michelle]

((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
I hope you get some much deserved answers soon. Thinking of you!

[Lil' Sis]

Dude, if you get that facemask, you HAVE to wear it out to the bar to play "I'm with..."
Or else lend it to me to do that.
Friggin'AWESOME!

Wasn't there some reason you couldn't have your tonsils out? Is it just that you're too old? I am just now getting my wisdom teeth in (i'm 27, fer god's sake!) and I hear it's going to SUCK to go through it since the teeth are poking out already. Maybe we can convalesce together.

miao.

[Anne-Whitney]

Wow - good luck at the sleep clinic.

[Mary]

I agree w/some of the other posters - my thyroid was always on the "low normal" side of things, so my GP said not to worry. Well, great for him - except he didn't have this big hand holding him down all day - didn't start planning when his next chance to sleep was while still laying in bed in the a.m., wasn't always perpetually cold, tired, dry skinned and generally devoid of any energy! All while having 2 young kids and a job!

However, the endocrinologist felt otherwise - they order better tests there, I think! I've had 3 increases in the levels of my Synthroid to date - and am just starting to feel human again!

Go to an endocrinologist - even if it's not thyroid, it still might pay! Good luck!

[Jennifer]

Sending you loads of good thoughts. Take heart in these first steps...all of it is progress, even if it's just in the ruling out of things.

Look! Down there...can you see it yet? It's the light at the end of the tunnel. It may be a bumpy ride for a bit, but you'll get there.

[domin8trix]

i am so jealous!! i have considered faking a sleep disorder just to spend a night in a sleep clinic. it would be so cool. like pretending to sleep on a movie set. there is a blur video that has the guys being filmed, dreaming, in a sleep clinic.

p.s. seriously - check the thyroid. mine died last year and my main symptoms were a soul-stomping depression and total lethargy. i was so tired!

[Jo]

Hang in there! Like many of the commenters above I can relate to the 'always tired' thing.

I seem to go through phases every few years where I get really exhausted. I've had tests for all sorts of crazy things.... Glandular Fever, Thyroic, Chronic Fatigue, Allergies, etc. Although never the Sleep Clinic deal (that sounds cool.. I too am jealous!!)

In the end, I think too think iron levels are a big issue for me, and supplements definitely do help. I see a Naturopath/ Homeopath to deal with it all, and she is wonderful.

Since seeing her I've dealth with the tiredness thing, but also a range of other minor health issues too.

A more natural approach has also helped me deal with mental health stuff. Although I've never had a big 'outburst' I go through 'dark' days sometimes and see the symptoms I saw in my Dad when he was suffering pretty severe depression in myself - scary!!

Anyway, because the focus is on my whole-health with the Naturopath - not just one set of symptons, it seems to work for me. Although I'll stil go to the Doc if I need too - its worth checking out all the possibilities!! ;-)

Anyway, just my two cents. Goodluck!! And as you drift off to sleep in your crazy sleep clinic mask.... think of all of the positive e-vibes you are receiving from all your blog readers!! I'm sure it'll get better soon!!

[Beerzie Yoink, the Hypochondriac]

Holy shit! I have spent the last two weeks in constant fatigue and I had convinced myself that I had West Nile Virus or leukemia. Then I was half asleep the other night -- on my back -- and woke up kind of choking/gasping for air. I've been sleeping on my side for three days now and feel 'way better. Maybe I need to see my doctor, too.

Or maybe it's just a side affect of being a smart assed blogger.

[Lisa]

Stop thinking of your damn self and those whiny children. Obviously your readers need you depressed and funny. No meds, no sleep helpers, I think you need to watch "Sophie's Choice" "Platoon" and "Terms of Endearment" and get properly suicidal. Then write and write and write.

Okay, really, the cpap machine changed my Dad's life. If sleeping is your problem, go for it. If you need drugs, go for it. You will be funny and creative no matter what. Look at Courtney Love.

Seriously get the help you need, and I hope its easy. I hope peace is just waiting around the corner for you.

[Lunasea]

Mmmm. Belgian chocolates are the best and I don't blame you one bit for wanting to dip those little toes in it and gobble them up.

Good luck. Sleep is very, very important and anti-depressants are god-sent.

[Curlygrrl]

This is the first time I've read your blog, and I could have written it myself!! (though not nearly as eloquently). I'm interested about the sleep study, I'm always exhausted and have swollen tonsils too (and the drooling I must confess!)

I will tell you that I was afraid I'd lose my creativity if I went on antidepressants but I went on Wellbutrin and it actually helped clear my focus to write! Hope you have the same results.

((hugs))
Tamara
(found you on the insecure writer's list)

[Karen]

My hubby wears the mask to sleep. It's not that horrible. Well, kind of, but not as bad as you think.

[philippa]

Linked to your blog from Carmen's.

Tell your doctor to check your thyroid and do a full thyroid blood test - whole shebang. It took 2 years and a trip to the hospital for passing out and my heart stopping for 10 seconds for them to figure out that I had an underactive thyroid, as well as being dehydrated. An underactive thyroid can contribute to a slow heartbeat, to poor sleep quality, continual exhaustion, depression, lack of appetite, and weight gain.

My little synthroid pill works wonders. It took about 6-9 months to get me straightened out, but I now feel a lot better.

Don't let the suckers get to ya! Hang in there!

[alissa]

How about a new mattress? That worked wonders for my husband.. Oods of tests, sleep clinics, etc - turned out the mattress was too bloody soft.

[Fredette]

So what was the diagnosis?? Just curious...