God is good. Every day!

I'm always torn on this website between being genuine and trying not to hurt anyone's feelings. Also I'm torn between being genuine while still protecting the privacy of my husband or anyone I care deeply for. One rule I've given myself and I generally follow is to not write anything about anyone in my life here that I haven't or won't say to them personally.

Of course, my in laws are an exception to this rule since everything I've ever written about them here I've also said to them. Repeatedly. But life is full of compromise and I love my husband more than I love writing about my in laws and the most horrific details of our unbelievable relationship. So I guess I'm not genuine in that way. But then if you've been reading long enough you know I have unpleasant feelings about those people so I don't really have to write about it anymore, do I.

Sometimes though, I have to break my own rules because the comedy is too much.

On the off chance my cousin or someone else from my extended family comes across my site, I feel I must apply some loving disclaimers to the following recollection of our wedding weekend.

Let me start by saying, I'm not sure I've ever seen a bride more glowing than my cousin on her wedding day. She was radiant with joy and her new husband seems like a great match for her and my cousin certainly deserves to have love and joy and happiness in her life.

She also deserves to have the pleasant wedding of her dreams. Her first wedding involved a lot of powder blue tuxedos on a lot of exceedingly short men. Except my brother, who at 6'1", towered over all the other 5'5" groomsmen like a powder blue freak of nature. Considering the powder blue wedding of her dreams nearly 20 years ago, I'd say this was an improvement and I'm absolutely certain the groom is an improvement over the first one.

It seems a lot of the love and joy and happiness in my cousin's life comes from organized religion. Conversely, none of the joy and happiness in my life comes from organized religion.

When reading what I'm about to write you must understand this fundamental difference in my outlook as opposed to my cousin's outlook. This doesn't mean there is anything wrong with my cousin's love of PowerPoint presentations during her wedding mass, it just means I prefer a different, maybe a more traditional wedding mass.

I was raised in the Catholic church and things were a little more sedate there. There was singing, but generally there wasn't a projection screen at the front of the church making it some kind of Holy Karaoke.

There wasn't dancing in my church. Crazy dancing in the aisles and arms raised up to heaven and seizure like movements indicating joy. These things make me, being as demure as I am, uncomfortable. In my church while growing up the craziest things got was the part when we shook hands and offered 'peace' to our neighbors in the surrounding pews.

I sometimes waited with giddy anticipation for that moment. When we got crazy and shook hands with near strangers. Sometimes my sister and I would just shake hands with each other or dramatically hug one another over and over.

Then there was communion at my cousin's church which consisted of what appeared to be a big fat chocolate chip cookie. It was more likely a piece of whole wheat flatbread, but I half expected the pastor to do a Cookie Monster impression shoving The Body Of Christ into his mouth yelling 'Cookie cookie...me eat cookie....'

In the church I grew up in, we got a piece of styrofoam and we shoved it in our mouths and it stuck to the roof of your mouth and FOR THE LOVE OF GOD (!) don't stick your finger in your mouth to dislodge The Body Of Christ! Just wait for it to dissolve and try not to think any impure thoughts while it's in your mouth.

In my church there were no musical stylings, there was no band and there were no electric drums and like I said, there was no 'breaking it down'. Ever. In my cousin's church there was all of that. Plus a guy in a purple suit with a yellow t shirt who fancied himself the Don Johnson of christian rock.

My personal favorite part was the "Church Cheer" which goes like this:

Pastor: "God is good!"
Everyone else, except my own stunned family: "All the time!!!"

Pastor: "God is good!"
Everyone else, except my very uncomfortable family: "All the time!!!"

Pastor: "All the time!"
Everyone else, except my familiy who was now thinking, 'can't we just shake hands or something?': "God is good!!"

Then everyone hooted and hollered and it was weird.

At the reception it all started going down hill when my brother yelled out at our table, "God is good!" and I answered, "All the mother fucking time!"

This segued into Logan 'Putting 'em up for Jesus'

The rest of the night was littered with "High Five For Jeeeeee-SUS!!!"

Because we're a bunch of heathen assholes. Except my brother and his wife who regularly attend church and pray for our souls.

But really the wedding was exactly what my cousin wanted and it's nice to see my cousin looking so happy. She certainly deserves it after that first powder blue wedding and the powder blue marriage that followed.

I believe God was with us at the wedding, because he sat me at one end of the aisle and my sister, brother and sister in law were at the very other end. If we'd been sitting together, all hell would have broken out.

God really is good. Every mother fucking day.

Here are some pictures from the wedding. I didn't get a lot and my camera is so awful inside without the flash and it's also awful inside with the flash so the quality is lacking. Maybe in ten years I'll have my dream camera. Until then, enjoy these shitty pictures!

Comments

[Melinda]

Yes...but have you ever seen liturigcal dancers?? Me neither until the last time I was at church. I blame them for my failure to attend since. It was scary. Three, fully-grown women in white dresses with scarves and tamborines "dancing". NOT a pretty site.

You crack me up.

[Melissa]

At my in laws church they have 'Interpretive Dancing'.

At one Easter event, there were girls at the front in white robes doing a move we now call 'Butter The Bread'.

Then, well then, Jesus came strolling in, microphone in hand. It was the most bizarre thing I have ever in my life seen.

Appearing Live Tonight at "Eddie's Lounge": 'Strolling Jesus'

[Grace]

Did you feel like you were in the Twilight Zone? I think that's what would have been going through my brain... But glad you can see the sunny-side of that interesting event!

[Lisa]

Hey, is that the 'lil sis that you smoke something with?!?!?!?

[Pam]

Edited by Me:

'Pam', I don't accept comments from fake email addresses.

If you find my site offensive, there's a button in the upper left corner of your computer screen and it closes the window.

My God has a sense of humor. I understand if yours doesn't. But if your God doesn't have a sense of humor, this isn't the right website for you.

[angela marie]

Oh man. I just love your take on things...I find that it is usually how I see things (which makes your view correct, of course) but you explain it JUST RIGHT.

I, too, come from the Catholic church you describe. My palms would become sweaty just anticipating the "Peace Be With You" part...and if it was a holiday...WOOHOO! We got to say 'Merry Christmas' or 'Happy Easter' instead of the ol' standby "Peace Be With You".

Glad you had 'fun' and I love to hear your stories of sibling torment. My baby brother and I used to love to horrify my sister in any way possible -- unfortunately, he died of cancer 3 years ago at 29 and my sister and I have to just find ways to amuse ourselves without him. Keep the stories coming...you help me deal with how much I miss my brother.

Oh, and SHUT THE HELL UP, 'Kim'.

[angela marie]

OK, not 'Kim'...'PAM'. Oops. Not enough coffee and too many crying children confuse me.

[Krystina]

The pictures of Madison and Logan dancing are too adorable for words. Happy birthday!

[cursingmama]

Oh Fer Fucks Sake - I had the most brilliant comments typed up and my internet went down - hopefully I can now recreate said brilliance:

As a fellow Catholic I have to tell you of the craziness that is going on in my church. In addition to the mid-mass "Peace" we now also need to "Greet our neighbors" before mass starts. This was apparently WAY too much touching, because we are no longer instructed to "Join Hands" when saying the Our Father. And for the record - nobody is joining hands without being prompted. Whew!

I loved the photos, but was shocked to see beverage glasses filled with unreported drinks. If it was a Catholic wedding reception every "of age" and "nearly of age" person would be well on their way to Toast, at least it always seems that way to me....people do get fuzzy when they're drunk don't they?

And, for the official record - You ARE STILL FUNNY!

[Robert]

At my brother's wedding his bride-to-be wanted me to escort her two poodles down the aisle. I thought that was worst it could be (and it was not done), but I stand corrected. And I apologize for laughing at your pain, but "high five for Jeeeeesussssss" will make me spew coffee every time.

[Lil' Sis]

Ahem. I am indeed pissed. But accepting. It IS good humor, after all. And I DO drink to excess.

I am surprised you didn't mention the dropped wine bottle at the pool, but OH YEAH! WHO POOPED OUT EARLY THAT NIGHT?! Man, some of the best hangovers I've ever plowed through...

I was also horrified that Scott showed the nipple-tweaking to the extended family. Man, did Uncle Mike & Jules NOT laugh.

Miao.

[kalisah]

I think you're hilarious AND a fabulous writer and I think Jesus would agree with me. Not that I know him personally, or anything.

[Jenn]

Sounds like a fun time at the wedding! You totally crack me up, girl.

However, I did fall into the trap of looking at the pictures again. I am SO with Max. That spitting fountain is some scary shit! I don't think I would be happy about it either.

[Busy Mom]

LOL @ cursingmama, that's pretty close to what I was going to say!

[trisha]

Wow! You are really funny! Great piece of writing!

I have no idea how I got here.
Trisha

[Ginny]

Damn. Now I have another blog that I have to check every single day so I won't miss anything funny. Hilarious post!! Your descriptions of the wedding were eerily familiar - my mom and dad attend a church exactly like the one you described. I get nervous just driving by the church building because I have unfortunate flashbacks to the "Holy Laughter" service I attended there (under duress, I should add).

[Misty]

I read it finally, and it wasn't bad at all! I have to say, I go to church, and I have to admit we do some of the holy karaoke bit, but that chant, that is just annoying! I can't stand the contortion of words and all that bit. Your right, that is eery!!! I have to say it can be equally hard for a person to go to a mass who has no freakin idea what to do. I went to a funeral mass just recently and felt like such an idiot. The priest(is that right?)would talk then everyone else would say some thing. I had no idea what to say. I've never been shown how to cross either. I just hoped people didn't think I was being rude.

[Phil]

"C" is for "Christus", est satis bonum a meo"

Thanks for the post and pics with captions.

p.s. (I also grew up Catholic, and freaked out the first time I saw interpretive dance at Mass. Now Quaker. No dancing. No Mass.)