Choppable

I love my husband. He has many charming idiosyncrasies and I love that about him.

He also has eight percent body fat and my goodness is he excited about this. I, on the other hand am not impressed because if we're ever on a sinking ship, my husband is sinking like a rock. I will float to the surface due to the plentiful fat stores in my ass.

Sometimes I wonder how Logan became the odd and lean man he is, then I find it. Choppable.

Choppable was Logan's childhood toy.

Choppable has no business calling himself a 'toy'.

Choppable has the mange.

Choppable is losing his brain.

Logan once cuddled with Choppable (also held him by his tail and used it as a punching bag). Would you cuddle with this?

I cuddled with a teddy bear. A nice, normal teddy bear.

When Maddie was a newborn, we put Choppable on a high shelf above her bed because we thought it was funny. Sometimes, when she wouldn't sleep Logan and I would yell out, "If you don't stop crying Choppable will get you." No wonder she was such a good sleeper.

One day before she turned two she asked us to take the "Old Man Monkey Man" out of her room. I don't blame her.

The most commonly asked question when I pull out Choppable to show guests in our home is, "Jesus, what is that?" I don't know. I just don't know.

Second most commonly asked question: "Why Choppable?" No one knows.

Max is generally scared of Choppable, but look. I think he's finding a soft spot for him. Maybe someday he'll have eight percent body fat also!

Comments

[michael]

I have a possible answer to the question, "Jesus! What is that?"

It looks like it may have, at one time, been one of the Things (No. 1 or No. 2, I'm not sure) from The Cat in the Hat.

[Ali]

Oh lord, I'm crying. Thanks for making me laugh.

[Busy Mom]

Good gawd! It makes my Mr. Dog look normal.

[hez]

that is one ugly-ass toy. And his face is none too pretty either.

put it away, already. you're scaring me.

[hillary]

oh my god. I just signed up at bloglines so I could be alerted when the weblogs I read have new entries. so I go to check what it's got for me and it's Choppable! coming right at me. I agree with Maddie. Away Old Man Monkey Man Away!!

[kathy]

This is the funniest thing I've read. I'm totally cracking up. I must look like an idiot.

[Cindy]

That thing is REALLY creepy looking. Your teddy bear is very cute with its little red tongue.

[Jenn]

Oh my god, that is the creepiest thing I have ever seen. At least the kids won't want to dress up like Choppable for Halloween. But you said that Max was developing a soft spot for him...Saturday night, you'll be trying to pull together a Choppable Halloween costume.

[Ninotchka]

Thanks a lot Melissa, now I won't be able to sleep tonight. Add that to my growing list of "characters" that terrify me: Quizno's Spongemonkeys, Digger the dermatophyte from those fucking Lamisil commercials and now Choppable. Curse you!

(grin)

[Crista]

Ok Melissa - thank you for the laugh - I needed to laugh that hard today...it's been awhile.

[Lori]

Holy crap that thing is UGLY. And that's all I have to say about that.

[Melissa R.]

CHOPPABLE ! That is Pure Gold, Im telling you.. Pure Gold.

[Serena]

Love it! That is so twisted and demented.

[Serena]

Love it! That is so twisted and demented.

[Lil' Sis]

Oh my god, how did I forget about Choppable?! I am laughing so hard that all the recovering clients in my waiting room are starting to wonder if maybe it's ME on the dust...

When Logan dies, can I inherit Choppable? I promise I will love him more than you or your children.

you know who would really love Choppable?
www.ericmcdade.com
(he's in town, by the way. will you come to his art opening with me on Saturday from 7-9? He actually did a piece involving the Krakon from Clash of the Titans.)

miao.

[Amy]

That is the scarriest f-ing toy I've seen in a loooong while. Right up there with psychotic clowns in my book. Thanks for the good laugh!

[Very Mom]

Sweet Mother of All that is Holy. That is the most terrifying thing I've ever seen. I'm trying, trying so very hard, to picture it new, sitting on a toy store shelf and someone seeing it, thinking, "I'll buy this for little Logan." But I just can't.

[patti]

Choppable is so the toy that I was convinced flew around my room at night and was just moments from stabbing the life out of me were it not for the fact I opened my eyes in the nick of time.

But now I'm thinking: Choppable needs his very own movie. Maybe even a UPN sitcom. Choppable could actually make you rich.

[Michelle]

That is the freakiest thing I've ever seen. Who the hell dreamed that creature up? (let alone produced and sold it?)

[RockStar Mommy]

I'm I the only one that sees a striking resemblance to Joan Rivers?

[melissaS]

Very Mom: YES YES YES!!!! My original idea for this post was to photoshop it back to 'original' condition. But I'm not that talented.

Logan always says, "It didn't always look like this."
I say: "At one time it looked like an old man monkey without the mange and with his brains intact. Still gross."

I can visualize what it looked like back in the late 60's early 70's and it's really hardly any better. It still makes no sense.

Michelle: The late 60's early 70's aspect explains how it was thought up and then manufactured. (chemical enhancments)

[kalisah]

that thing looks like Chucky.

And what the hell kind of name is "Choppable"???

[Mir]

Oh. My. God. Poor Logan. So does Choppable suck the excess fat out of him, or is it more like he looks at Choppable and fears that that's what'll happen to him if he gains too much weight? Inquiring minds wanna know.

[Heather]

*snort*

I have the same nice normal teddy bear.

[Grace]

Good God! The horror! That is one mangy & ugly "thing"! Now I've got the hee-bee-gee-beez! Take Old Man Monkey Man Away...

[Shelley]

Ok, woman, if I have nightmares about that thing, I'm holding you responsible. It is CREEPY.

[L]

Oh, that Choppable!

You know, I felt bad when I read that you used to tell your daughter that Choppable would come get her. And then I think about things like gently placing Choppable over the face of a dozing loved one, so that when he woke up he would feel the tender, loving kiss from a plastic faced Monochichi imposter. Or giving Choppable to a small child on his or her birthday.

"I know you didn't ask for this. But you didn't ask for two sets of teeth and guess who has his adult molars coming in?"

"Will you take Choppable away so the other kids will stop crying?"

"Sure. But he'll just come BACK."

Choppable theme song! Get SugarRay or something on it.

[pinky]

My brother had a very similar, equally beloved toy. Only his had a red plush body, and a baby's face instead of a monkey's. But the gist was the same. And his was falling apart in an equally disturbing way. Was Choppable homemade? They do sell those creepy disembodied Texas Chainsaw Massacre rubbery faces at the craft store, for people who like to make their own toys.

[Adrian]

I am looking around for something that I can name "Choppable". It is the best name I've ever heard! Maybe I need to get another dog...

[Nikki]

thanks for the laugh. i'm truly going to have nightmares now.

[WindyLou]

My ugly plastic faced baby-doll was named "Scotchafuss" I named her all by myself, and stubbornly refused to change her name. Maybe Logan named Choppable without any adult guidance as well?

[Tracy Brown]

I think that looks like that "thing" that made friends with the family on land of the lost, it was a monkey of some sort and I cannot put my finger on it, but I think I remember the name actually being somewhat similar...that is so funny...you should ask Logan if he watched that show.

[Tracy brown]

it was going to drive me nuts, I had to comment, the name of that "thing" from Land of the Lost is Chaka...hmmmmmmm

[CursingMama]

I see Tracy brown beat me too it - it totally looks like Chaka from Land of the Lost, which would in some strange way possibly lead to Chopable if you only have 8% body fat.

[liz]

So does Choppable suck out your body fat, or JUST YOUR SOUL? That guy is creepy!!!!

Liz

[Sheryl]

Um, that? Is so scary I may not sleep tonight. Especially the pic of Choppable leaking brain matter. Who names their childhood toy Choppable?

[KellyH]

Yeah, Land of the Lost! That's what I thought when I saw Choppable.

At least it doesn't look like a Sleestax.

[aussiemama]

That is very funny...and don't worry I would be right there floating with you. I have added your site to my blog roll as it's v.funny.

[Jennifer]

Ok, what the hell. I don't even know what to say about that thing. Have you ever tried to find another Choppable(and what the hell? Choppable???) on the internet anywhere? There has got to be another one...oh god the horror...another one.

[no name yet]

ph34r choppable

[sarah]

I have seen something like that before, but I don't remember where. I think probably at some sort of craft fair or rummage sale in a church basement in 1983. Maybe there was an old lady who made them to while away the hours in the nursing home because her ungrateful grandchildren never came to visit so she made evil ugly toys to punish all children. I don't know - like I said, my memory is fuzzy on the subject. It might be PTSD, but Choppable is ringing some uncomfortable bells in my subconscious.

[Michelle]

My first thought was "That is such an incredibly WEIRD toy...I wonder how much that would fetch on eBay?" I really have to stop spending so much time there. Choppable is just all kinds of wrong, right down to the name. But I have to admit that he's growing on me...

[Lunasea]

Well, thankyouverymuch for the nightmares we'll all have tonight.

[amy]

I had a cheap beanbag Raggedy Ann which I alternately called Raggedy-Kunk or Meenyo-Pie. Kunk lost an eye in an unfortunate confrontation with my sister. I loved that doll despite (maybe in spite of) the fact that everyone else hated her. I'm enamoured with Choppable. My son has a favorite bear that he calls "baby-waby bear." Is it wrong that I've said, "Wouldn't you like to give him a new name, maybe something more descriptive?" In fact, I've done this more than once. I'm a bit obsessed with the thought that my child may be too vanilla, or a Republican.

[Michelle]

I have never, ever laughed so hard in my life.

[Sarcomical]

okay, i am still afraid. that thing is SCARY! and you are hilarious!

[Dan]

WHy oh why is this so funny? But it IS! Oh it is! Or maybe its the lack of sleep I've been having lately. Either way, I laughed so hard I woke up my little boy who I was trying to rock to sleep. (Thank you Choppable, you evil little toy.) Liz's comment is perfect for a poster for "Choppable The Movie": "He'll suck out your body fat... along with YOUR SOUL!"

[Genuine]

You should take him to one of the antique shows and find out his worth! I would bet at least 13 cents!

[Lesley]

Okay, since eBay was mentioned a few times...I couldn't resist looking. Choppable sure looks a lot like "Stink" or "Chaka" see the poseable, action figure I found! (http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=2622&item=5930317172&rd=1)

Unfortunately, they didn't have a soft cuddly new Choppable to buy and stick under the Christmas tree. Keep checking though! I found "Zippy" my childhood friend a while back, but didn't have the heart to buy the replacement.

[Shan]

I found this by way of verymom.com and I just have to say:

I had some odd named toys in my day. "jes-bee" my babydoll I breastfed. "fork" a terrycloth (or what was once terry) bunny my mom got for easter as a kid, thusly making it 30+ years old when I played with it. "yo-yo" the brown bear I relentlessly diapered with my sisters and then later my brother's diapers.
Heck, I STILL name things weird, my two cats are named "tuxa" (after tux the linux mascot) and "blaise" (after blaise pascal the mathmatician)
I had beta fish named sushi, sashimi, nori, unagi, and sake.
I named my firstborn after a jedi in the books that happened after the movies.

But I have never, ever EVER heard a name quite like choppable.
I think I sneezed my kidneys out my nose after reading that...
for like the 67th time :)

[na'amah]

Choppable is incredibly fabulous, in a mangy, deeply disturbing kind of way. I must agree with VeryMom, even assuming no mange, no oozing brains and no harelip, what could they (manufacturers and even more so, purchaser) have possibly been thinking? That face... the horror... doesn't the sly sideways look just scream child molester to you? I will now run away.

[juju]

Does this mean that if I love choppable I will have 8% body fat? Cause I'm willing to find space in my heart.

[the cat]

Check this out, just in case Choppable ever bites it - http://cgi.ebay.ca/
VINTAGE-OLD-RUBBER-FACED-MONKEY-STUFFED-DOLL_
W0QQitemZ330090328420QQihZ014QQcategoryZ30QQrd
Z1QQcmdZViewItem

[Chrissy Cuglietta]

I need a Choppable to scare my kids with. Wish I had one! It is the scariest thing EVER! I might have nightmares tonight. Choppable T-shirts? Hmm maybe. Thanks for the good laugh.