Suburban Bliss:: Birth Control Via The Written Word:Holding Pattern

2004.10.07

Holding Pattern

This weekend is the God Forsaken Marathon. But, it's also the first time in, let me think, forever, that we've been away without children.

In the early days of our child rearing adventure, we got away fairly often. At least once a season with numerous overnights thrown in for good measure. Maddie spent her first overnight with my in laws on New Year's eve of 1998...she was just 6 weeks old at the time.

My in laws are certifiably insane in the sense that they love babies so much that being awake for a couple of hours in the night, for them, is fun! They were so insane that even though Madison was sleeping through the night....they woke her up to hang out! But they had 6 kids so they were obviously insane to begin with.

They loved having our kids overnight before things turned so horribly ugly and, oh, how we loved sending our kids on overnights.

Now we're not really on speaking terms with my in laws, so our kids don't spend weekends there anymore. Which means we don't get a lot of (you may even say any) weekends away.

Getting my mother to keep our kids overnight takes a lot of arranging.

The nice thing is that when my mother babysits, I don't have to do a lot of planning to leave my kids for the weekend with her.

I mean she may not know exactly how I do everything, but she raised me and I turned out....well, let's just say I turned out. So I'm sure she can handle 3.5 days (glorious, wonderful days of freedom!) with my children while we do many things not involving children in Chicago.

I don't really have to do a lot of planning since it's my mother babysitting for the weekend and she knows how to spend a weekend with kids. But it would be nice of me to leave a list of things. Like a schedule of events.

For example, "On Friday morning you'll take Madison to school. Peel her off your arm and place her hand in her teacher's and say- as though you don't notice her emotional breakdown- 'I'll see you after school! Good bye sweet heart!' Now, you must run! Run from that school and NEVER LOOK BACK! If you look back, it's over, you're never leaving....you're doomed!"

Or, "In the morning you MUST get breakfast for the cats before attempting to actually walk through the house. Believe me, they're hungry. Very hungry. Also...they love it when you call them 'Fat Feline Fuck!' Seriously. Try to say this quietly, we don't want the children repeating these colorful phrases in public."

Or, "Don't suggest macaroni and cheese for lunch....*unless* you have Spongebob Squarepants macaroni and cheese. It will take me nearly 5 hours to get home if you commit this grave error. I'm not even sure what to tell you to do if you say you have Macaroni and Cheese and it is not SpongeBob SquarePants Macaroni and Cheese. So please, make sure you are prepared to make the correct Macaroni and Cheese. I can't stress this enough. Please, don't make me drive home from Chicago to fix this."

Or, "Right before you start the bedtime routine, you're going to want to go into that cabinet in the dining room. The one that looks like an ordinary cabinet...but inside you'll find a glass case that reads, 'Open In Case Of Emergency'. You're going to want to open that and grab a glass with a few cubes of ice because believe me, putting Madison to bed is an emergency. An emotional emergency."

Or, "As tempting as it is for me to suggest and as tempting as it will be to do. I simply can not condone you giving our children alcohol to help them sleep at the end of the day. I know they talk a lot. I know your ear drums will be bleeding. But alcohol is out of the question. However, there is always orange triaminic. DO NOT try benadryl. Don't ask me how I know. I just do."

I think they're all going to be okay. Logan, well Logan's going to be running for 26.2 miles....so he's going to be absolutely INSANE.

As for me, I'm going to be alternately sleeping, drinking and waving at my INSANE husband as he travels along the Marathon loop. I'll be yelling out encouraging things like, "Our Marital Vows Mentioned Nothing About Public Pooping!" and "Honey! Holy Shit! Your NIPPLES are bleeding! That is so gross!" and, well maybe I'll yell....

"I can't believe how hard you've worked to get to this. I'm really impressed but you're a Leo, so I can't generally tell you how proud I am of you without your head swelling to mammoth proportions. It's my job as your wife to keep you grounded on earth. But HOLY SHIT you're running 26.2 miles! You are amazing. Not only have you managed to deal with me for the last 11 years, you've now trained your body through hard work and determination to run more than any human being should ever run without being chased by a predator. You are so hot when you're practically dying."

Wish him luck!

Posted by Melissa Summers on October 7, 2004 in Pants | Edit This Post | Permalink

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do not meet these people on the playground

Mrs Kennedy
"Blog me like Mimi Smartypants"
Que Sera Sera
from Oklahoma to New York City. Giddy Up.
Geese Aplenty
At least his name isn't Apple.
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Secret Agent Josephine
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finslippy
Quite honestly, you're a bumbling idiot if you aren't reading this.
Dooce
what's with all the hate?
Laid Off Dad
No longer laid off, but still funny!
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Sweet Juniper!
He sort of has a crush on Logan.
Mighty Girl -
The Might just grew by about 8 pounds.

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2004.10.07

Holding Pattern

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