Silent Stalker/Speaking Stalker

When you run more than any human being should ever run, your body rebels. It's pissed off and I can't say I blame it.

Logan has been hobbling since Sunday. At dinner Sunday night, he nearly broke down into tears when he saw our table was located on the second floor. If I could carry him, I would have. This morning I watched him hobble out the door to board a plane. If I was a nicer wife I would have driven him to the airport and got him a wheelchair so he wouldn't have to walk through the terminal. But it was early and I'm not that nice.

Between you and me, he's chafed in unexpected places. Places that are never, ever supposed to chafe. Oh, it's awful. Let's all pray Portland is gentle on my husband...he's very tender right now.

On Saturday after we had brunch with Patti and Sofia we went to a little shop on Clark. But this was no ordinary shop, it is a sex shop owned by none other than the clever and smart Flea at One Good Thing!

I've come to realize I'm a lot funnier in print. I have a phone phobia already. I always sound like an idiot on the phone and so I avoid the phone. Unfortunately, I also sound like a bumbling ass in person. Soon I will be forced to communicate soley via typed word. I will carry my laptop everywhere and instead of speaking I will type my messages to you and I will sound clever and/or witty!

I knew we'd be in the neighborhood and I've always found Flea's blog wonderfully entertaining. Also, I love taking Logan to sex shops and this one is so nice you would never guess there's a latex vagina right inside the door. How does she work day in and day out with that latex vagina staring at her? See, that's how cool she is, she doesn't even care.

'Vagina? So what!'
'Butt plug? Small, medium or LARGE?'

So we went in mainly to say hello since our vacation budget was created via Ebay and bottle returns (.10 a bottle....an inefficient savings method but it worked). This left our C*ck Ring budget a little limited, since we like eating and also drinking. Also I mentioned how Logan's feeling a little chafed?

I debated introducing myself at the shop, but then I felt like a total asshole and I thought....'What am I going to say? Hi! I read your blog.' Logan answered this by saying, with a confused look on his face, 'Uhm...yes?'

I felt very stalkery and in the end decided to introduce myself after my friend Patti and I discussed it. Her theory is that a stalker who speaks to you is less scary than a stalker who silently visits your sex shop and never says a word.

So I said hello and on the way to the car I vowed to never speak again except via my laptop, because I am obviously nothing but a bumbling doofus who should remain locked inside away from normal people.

Of course today Pinky emailed to say she'd like to meet in November while she's nearby to see her parents. I hope she's prepared to communicate by keyboard.

Comments

[flea]

You are so silly! I enjoyed meeting you and Logan very much, but now that I've learned about his chafing I feel like a jerk - one of my employees is a marathon runner, and she highly recommends slathering her body with silicone-based lubricant to avoid the tragedies brought forth by chafing. Had I had my brain working when you came in, I would have given him a bottle and all his troubles could have been avoided.

p.s. - my latex vagina sends you greetings.

[Melissa]

Who knew? Body Glide for runners!

We knew about the nipples (band aids) but had no idea what kind of damage underwear can do to sensitive areas.

[pinky]

hee hee - that would be fine. But I'm not bringing my laptop, so we can pretend to type from opposite ends of the room. how about I bring two cans and a string? ;-)

[Mir]

Now, see, normally I'm happy to meet folks in real life whom I've known online. What I lack in actual wit in real life I make up for with hyperactivity, which I'm hoping is entertaining enough.

However, in the situation you describe, I undoubtedly would've come down a horrible case of foot-in-mouth and opened with something classy like, "I have always loved your blog and now I really like your vagina, too!" Good thing I don't need any cock rings, I guess.

[patti]

Logan should've used the gels tucked in that special place for on his body rather than for IN his body. ;o)

And I've met you three times now in person, sans laptop, and you are as cute, charming and witty as ever. So there.

Patti (who looks pretty good for 40)

[emily]

Ouch.I don't think I can get passed the chafing.Poor Logan.

[shaunacat]

From one bumbling doofus to another - at least you didn't walk right up to her and start mumbling about her plastic vagina. Now that would have been scary stalker behavior.

;o)

[jilbur]

thank god you're not as witty in person as you are on your blog, or I would be petrified to ever meet you in person ... I'm an enormous dork, and could never be construed as anything even as glamorous or exotic as a stalker.

I'd go for Lansinoh for the chafe ... instant relief, never fails.

[Beth]

I hope Logan is enjoying Portland! Today is easily the most beautiful day of the year. And we are nice people here. What is Logan doing in Portland? (I am not a stalker, I promise.)

[Melissa]

He is mainly hobbling around in Portland.

They are using a printer there and he is there to say important things like: "This looks swell!" or "This needs more cyan!"

He's also eating good food and I am trying not to feel envy. But it's there...in my heart.

[Lori]

Only because you said the magic words latex vagina --
Once upon a time, I was a copyright attorney. One of my first assignments was a copyright infringement case involving a latex vagina -- it was copyrighted as a "pelvic sculpture." There were both hairless and haired versions. They were all over my office and all the creepy patent attorneys snuck in to view them. I can't remember the resolution of the case at all.

[Phil]

Melissa, I sure hope you'll one day come to the Triangle (our part of NC) where you can meets EVEN MORE (admiring) fellow-bloggers who are, um, *different* in person than in type.

As for the lubricant, a story: my friend Lydia used to work as an editor for Larry Flynt magazines. One week, the office received an inflatable sex doll. Lydia stuck her finger in the hole just for fun and ewwwwww! Turns out that an officemate had already tried it out.

[Sarcomical]

i'm sure you are JUST as enjoyable and witty in person. ;)

but i will continue to read you if that makes you more comfortable. ha!

also, i would say anybody would be pleased if someone said "hi, i read your blog!" as long as you're fully clothed and not drooling. ;)

[minty]

Boy do I hear you about phone and in-person angst. I don't even like to call for a pizza. I'd do *all* my interacting through email and writing if I could, but the sex just isn't as satisfying.

I did, however, overcome my fear and meet Pinky in person, and if anyone's easy to talk to, it's definitely her. Although the cans and string might be fun.