Please, just don't.

Isn't it funny how you can be sitting down on a Sunday night, your husband has a really retarded movie ordered up on Netflix and you're thinking, 'Maybe this is the chance I have to write a real post on my website. An essay of substance perhaps.' and then ***BOOM***

The president of your local 'MOMS Club' emails a polite request to remove a post which offended "A Few People" who have read my website. I guess they were offended by the fact that I mentioned MOMS Club specifically. I am sure the complainant wasn't the Diet Coke Breastfeeding Nazi I mentioned in the post.

In fairness, Hey! Look! Diet Coke Breastfeeding Nazi MOMS Club.

This email just made me so incredibly angry that Logan sat next to me watching The Princess and The Warrior and shaking his head. Because it's a horrible idea to ask me to remove something simply because it expresses an opinion you don't like. If you were reading last year my In Laws were pretty pissed off about the opinions I expressed on this website and they threatened to sue me because of the opinions I expressed on this website.

The thing is, I love my husband and I don't want to hurt him by hurting his family so I agreed not to discuss my in laws any further on my website. I wouldn't have agreed to it, except....have you seen him? He's so incredibly adorable I had to ease up on the In Laws.

But Stupid MOMS Club? Please, please let them sue me for expressing my dissatisfaction with a member, an Executive Member, of their organization.

Let's talk about my weekend for a bit before I go to bed though.

Last night we went to our sixth wedding since June. Everyone we know is now, just now, getting married. Logan and I have been married for 7 years. We've had kids for 6 years. Suddenly everyone decided it was a great idea to get married.

I'm happy about it, I really am. Everyone we know is getting married and some of them are having babies. And now they'll be in the same boat we are.

Except, babies and six year olds are really different.

Six year olds talk and three year olds talk on your vibrator...as if it's a phone. Newborns though, newborns make you think you'll always be at the top of your game.

There are those months at first where you think, "I suck at this!" or "I can't do this!"

But then pretty quickly you'll start to realize babies are easy to fool. You'll realize, I can easily distract this baby and they don't remember anything before that big rattle came in front of their face. But a three year old will remember that phone they were talking on that one time many years ago, forever.

So even though everyone we know is getting married now, we're still not fitting in very well.

Speaking of not fitting in. I wore a skirt from Ann Taylor last night. The skirt was a size 4. I tried it on and thought it would never fit. But it did fit, except that in the past when it 'fit' it fit just above my hips. Last night it fit as I eased it over my hips and then it fit around my waist, about six inches above my belly button.

I was nearly severed in half on Saturday night. Look at me struggling to look happy while my waist band tried to kill me. But, it was worth it because that skirt looked very nice and also two people I'm very fond of got married.

The wedding was a lovely affair and I promise, someday soon, I will write a real essay for your enjoyment.

Comments

[AGK]

Wow...Good thing you avoided mentioning THEM again ;)

[blackbird]

What you need is a pair of them control top pantyhose - which compress everything from just above your knee to just below your ribs. Yeah. They're REAL comfortable. You'll never even notice the waistband on the skirt.

[Pam]

Oh please! Do you mean to tell me the president of MOMs has never heard of freedom of speech?

[Loody]

I think your hair looks lovely in that picture.

[Heatheranne]

Now I *have* to search your site to find out what you said about the in laws.

[melissaS]

Loody: Guess who did the color? Logan. Because he even does hair. I hate him.

In a good way.

[Lauren]

I have been reading your blog (on my employer's time, of course) for months now. I emailed "Worst Playgroup Ever to MY moms' group (different organization) and they loved it. Moms' groups can become very officious; I don't know why that is. I was a small "playgroup" when my older son was a tiny baby and found that two mothers dominated the group in a very 8th-grade way and competed for whose mothering was more "natural." Because breast feeding didn't work out well for me, I always felt like the bottom person on the totem pole.

I don't even know why I kept attending. . . how weird is that? Anyway, someone please read my blog. Thank you kindly.

[Fredette]

I hate the fact that people aren't allowed an opinion anymore. It's pure bullshit! Even most blogs -- they dance around issues and don't really say it like it is. They sweeten it up. Make me sick. I love your blog!! Stuff the old bitties!

[Very Mom]

Hello? The fact that you can even GET a size 4 waistband to fit around anything on your body is an accomplishment and a half. I'm pretty sure I might be able to get one around my thigh. But that's it.

[Very Mom]

Oh, and the Mom's Club website? DID THEY NOT GET THE MEMO ABOUT COMIC SANS BEING THE MOST OBNOXIOUS FONT EVER?

Please, someone kill Comic Sans. Make it die.

[RockStar Mommy]

I think I'm the one to blame for making 'NAZI' come up with your name on a google search.
But I got your back. Mom's Club? Is going down.

[Sarcastic Journalist]

diet coke nazi breastfeeding women suck! All I'll say is this: I interviewed some MOMS club people for a story and uh, I won't be doing THAT again.

You rule. Start your own club. To the others: GET A FREAKING LIFE. Or at least get your own freaking blog and get off her back.

PS: I'm jealous of the skirt fitting. Must now go post about my fat ass.

[melissaS]

SJ: I wouldn't say it fit as much as it submitted to my will.

[Mary]

As I read this my control top tights are joining forces with the waistband of my skirt to pinch the everloving hell out of me while I sit at my computer and try to breathe normally. Sister, I feel your pain.

As for the MOM's Club - tell those Diet Coke Nazi Breastfeeders to kiss it.

[Dana]

I LOVE the way that you continue to talk badly about the Mom's Club even after they got angry at you. I love a woman who just doesnt care!

[melissaS]

But am I even saying anything bad about MOMS Club?

I mean I called them stupid for wanting me not to mention their name. But I haven't said anything mean bad about MOMS Club. I only really said anything bad about that stupid woman from The Worst Playgroup Ever. She just happens to be a member of my local MOMS Club.

I am such a child.

[Ginny]

I just visited the MOMs site!!!! There were 17 exclamation points!!! in their welcome message!!!! That's just too damn perky for me!!!! Yes, please start your own club...please. I'll join, since I'm a MOPs and MOMs dropout. Screw 'em.

[Lisa]

Melissa I love you. Thank you for sticking to your damn guns, I hate the speech nazi's. You said nothing wrong, and you voiced your opinion about one particular member. Now she is the one who should sue- but what would be her charge- someone telling unflattering truths about me?

[melissaS]

I didn't use her name though. So I think I'm safe from litigation. Though I welcome it.

[Bari]

A few *real lifers* got a hold of my website. Now I feel like I have to be careful about what I write. But then I thought about it...I really don't care what I say right to their face...so suck it up folks! LMAO

I love your blog, btw.

[briantologist]

God, these fucking people! "I'm confronting you with the fact that you don't like me, and I expect you to repent for not liking me! Because it's my god-given right to be liked by everyone, no matter what a fucking horrid bitch I am!!!" Forgive me if I'm over-paraphrasing here. The Interweb so often brings out the very worst in people.

Not me or you, of course. Clearly it brings out the best in us, and everyone we hold dear. One need only see our respective weblogs for proof of that. Well done, lady. Hold that middle finger high.

[Chantal]

As a self proclaimed "Lactivist" I read "The worst playgroup ever" and had to stop halfway through to catch my breath. I laughed that hard. The stupidity of said woman almost made me cry. What is it with grown women needing to supply their lives with such drama?

Keep it up. You rock and they know it!

[Mir]

Melissa, I would've loved to be a fly on the wall when that email came in. Good for you. The truth hurts sometimes... particularly when you're a snotty bitch. (Them, not you!)

[MollieBee]

Fuck em!

Fuck em right in the ear!

[cooper]

The diet coke in the sippy cup is one of the funniest things I have read in a long time. I almost spit out my coffee when I read that the MOMS CLUB complained because I was laughing so hard. I love your blog.

[Phil]

Crude/cheap joke alert:

"I wouldn't say it fit as much as it submitted to my will."

So who else submits to your will? [pa-dum, pump --chee!]

(Notice -- I didn't mention anyone by name. Because I, too, want to be like Pinky some day and meet you and the fam. The good part of the fam, that is.)

[Kristin S]

Ugh! MOMS club strikes again! Well all I can say is that I'm glad that I don't use the whole MOMS Club name on my blog when I bitch about them. I mean, I am the president of my chapter and all and I would hate for them to come down on our chapter EVEN MORE for the stupid shit they come down on us about. At our fall workshop, they told us that it was not proper to say "bad stuff" about the club and if we felt the need to then maybe we weren't cut out to be officers of the chapter. I would LOVE to give up my position, but my children love their playgroup and I was the ONLY one who volunteered to take the position when we were coming close to elections and would have had to close down the chapter. All I can say is, thank goodness for fresh meat (I mean new members) cuz this chick is NOT doing a 2nd term of BS, hand slapping, rules out the wa-zoo, etc etc etc that comes along with it.

[melissaS]

Kristin, in fairness I never realized what a horrid job it is to be on the MOMS Club executive board. The rules alone....jesus.

Also in fairness I have to say I only dislike one person on the executive board and even though I think she's a gossiping lunatic, she does a good job in her position. I think everyone on my MOMS Club (I just can't stop saying it!) executive board does a really good job and it's unfortunate that the rotten apples will always spoil things for me. I just can't help it.

[daniel.]

aww, the princess and the warrior is really good.

love the tracheotomy is oddly romantic.

[Pants]

The Princess and the Warrior is NOT a really retarded movie...

But The Other Sister sure is and I don't recall choosing that one, my dear.

[Nicole]

AHHHH!!! The Other Sister!! What could possibly be worse than Juliette Lewis acting retarded and sweet?? I choke on my own vomit when I think about it....God, how I hate her!

[melissaS]

Yes! Okay I made a terrible choice.

Two of my biggest regrets in my life:

1) Choosing The Other Sister at the video store AND having Logan there to see my horrible choice in action.

2) Not getting the stupid fucking cd burner on my iBook.

But Logan, please don't make me bring up Independence Day.

[Karen]

Hey,

I'm in a mom's type club, not THE MOMS CLUB apparently. We make a habit out of calling each other especially when our children are screaming at the tops of their lungs and ask to be reminded WHY we are doing this again. Oh yeah, and we go out drinking after most "educational" events and the odd playdate. No children or diet coke allowed, unless of course it's served with rum and a lime.

You need a different moms club.

[mamaloo]

funny. wasn't it not too long ago, in the 50's, that only the "lower class" (those animals!) breastfed, because they couldn't afford the formula most pediatricians recommended at the time...?

also, I love your refusal to buckle to the assumed "authority" of the stupid mom's club. take down a post from your personal blog because they don't "like" it? hello!---free speech? ever hear of it?

[Kathy]

About the Mom's Club, another example of what I don't understand, which is: Why, when people don't like something another person has written, they have to demand that the other person remove the writing. Why can't they just express their OWN opinion, on their OWN website?

btw, what's the Mom's Club?

I think your blog is incredibly funny and well-written. I love it.

[Kathy]

I just read the Worst Playgroup Ever post that your Mom's Club was so upset about. I thought it was hilarious. And if some members of the Mom's Club thought it was offensive, they don't have to look at it again. They sound like very narrow-minded, mean-spirited people to me.

Keep up the good work. I *really* like your blog. I like your voice. It's irreverent and funny. And open-minded. I like that a lot.

[JO]

I went to the Mom's club site and all I can say is..... 'Knock on the door to enter'? Can they get any dorkier?? It makes me wonder why all the i's aren't dotted with little pink hearts to match??

All I can assume is that the women in control of Moms Club were all cheerleaders in highschool, their lipstick, nails and pedi always matches, their linen cupboards are always tidy and they probably voted for the B word!

I will never be one of those women - and neither will you Melissa...Something we can both be thankful for!

I agree with Karen - you need a new Mom's club... with alcohol and plenty of child-free time written into the 'Group Charter'!!!

(re my Mom's club description... Woops - am I stereotyping?? Sorry - I didn't realise that was only allowed when discussing breastfeeding)

[trudie]

that's ridiculous, but definitely not surprising from a group like that. we only have one child, and i used to feel guilty about not going to Moms' Club or what have you--but every woman i met who joined those groups was just like diet coke lady, i just couldn't do it. (yes, i do realize not everybody is like that, but it wasn't worth it to me) i have since learned to live with my own 'selfishness'--it helped that i discovered my little guy wouldn't be a hermit, and it nowhere near being shy or making friends like his mama.

they were probably worried about just the sort of comments we're all making here. sorry Mom's Club--it's the truth. if you don't like it, do something about it. whether you like it or not, it is your image, courtesy of your upstanding membership.

i'm suprised someone isn't trying to drum up support for a freaking constitutional ammendment banning what you can and cannot write and publish ON YOUR OWN WEBSITE. because we must squash the outlets of people who don't agree with us. *insert evil laugh here*

[christy]

VeryMom - a link for you: http://www.bancomicsans.com/

Loved the story, love you, love your work.

[trisha]

OMFG. That cannot be real, the Diet Coke Nazi bit....can it? Does she really exist? I don't want her to exist on my little planet.

I breastfeed. In fact, I breastfeed a freaking four year-old. But it's okay. He is my son. Now, it was hard and it sucked a lot of the time (oh, hey, a pun!), but I did it. Do I care if the rest of you breastfeed? No.

Turns out my son is autistic, so it is a damned good thing I have kept with the breastfeeding. I think it has helped him enormously, with the sensory crap and the closeness.

I may or may not breastfeed the next one. I dunno.

BUT I WILL NEVER, EVER give any child of mine Diet Soda!!!!!

[mieke]

You crack me up. That whole story is hysterical as well as their rightious indignation.

Soda not only has no good qualities, it is also plain bad for you. The carbonation depletes the calcium reserves and affects bone growth. What a fucking idiot that woman is.

On the other hand, I find that woman are generally wonderful and very supportive. I have a great group of friends some with kids and some without without whom I could not survive.

[melissaS]

I trust women, just not large groups of women brought together under the premise that one thing is better than another.

[Mieke]

I hear ya.