I'm a real people person.

Once a month I work in Madison's classroom.

Each time I work in her class it all starts out just fine. I think, "These are very sweet kids." and I'll think, "I love this teacher." and I'll think, "Maybe I should have gone ahead with that elementary ed major."

Then about 5 minutes into it I start to think, "What the fuck is wrong with that boy?"

Then I'll think, "Please, don't let that girl raise her hand....doh! Maybe if I ignore her. Maybe if I don't look at her she'll go away."

Or I'll think, "Wow, I hope that little girl gets her period soon...maybe the pms will go away then."

So then, in my private personal dialogue I'll think to myself, "You being a teacher would have been a crime against humanity."

In other news I've been applying for lots of stupid jobs and I've been spending a lot of time lying to get these jobs.

Many of the jobs I've been attempting to get ask the most ridiculous questions meant to 'test' my temperament...I guess.

"Do you generally think people are good?"

Answer I gave: "Oh yes! Of course! I love people! I'm a real people person!"
True answer: "I don't know if they're good or not but I generally don't get along with people."

"When someone is walking slowly in front of you....are you agitated?"

Answer I gave: "Oh no, of course not. I like to take time to smell the roses you know."
True answer: "Oh My God! Yes! That drives me crazy!!! Why can't they keep to the right or something!"

148 questions all answered with LIES! All LIES! (I am not kidding. 37 pages with 4 questions on each page.)

I distorted reality through these endless questions and all the while I had the sinking feeling that maybe the reason I have to lie to answer all these questions is because a retail position is not the right job for me.

While I answered the questions ("Would you say you're at your best while under stress?" Why yes! I love stress! I mean just look at how I handle my two relatively well behaved children!) I started to think maybe I should try to find a job in a dark basement without fresh air or light or even people.

The best came at a brief interview at a store which smelled of the cheapest of the cheap potpourri. As I filled out the application (more lies!) the smells filled my nose and made me throw up a little in my mouth and the vomit was so full of bile I burned a hole in my cheek.

During the interview the manager asked me, since they get dozens of applications why they should hire me over any of the other applicants.

I stared at her thoughtfully, considering this truly poignant question. Also, I ran through about 40 responses I truly wanted to blurt out at her through the bile induced hole in my cheek.

"You should hire me because let me see, oh that's right! I hate people!"

"You could hire me because, I don't know, I have a pulse?"

"Let's see why should you hire me....well, I shower daily."

But what I ended up saying really dazzled the manager.

"I really don't know why you should hire me. The thought of working here makes me want to grab that disgusting potpourri you're selling and shove it up your ass."

You'd think that would have put a big red flag on my application but no, she called for a second interview and I think Logan must have called them and told them I forgot my medication and will they please give me another chance because I actually love potpourri and especially Robert Kinkade things in all their varied forms.

Why does he hate me like this?

The thing is, me working retail is nearly as bad for humanity as me being a teacher.

What kind of job can I do in a dark room without any contact with people?

Comments

[Jenn]

Those personality tests are ridiculous. My mom had to take one that contained the statement "True or False: I have stolen things at previous jobs but that is no longer a problem." So either you ARE a thieving employee or you were one in the past. Gah.

When I interviewed for my current job, the only question I was asked was "When can you start?"

[Jenny]

You could develope photos in a dark room with no one else around AND see other people's naughtyness..what's not to love about that I ask you! Tee Hee

[Jenny]

Oh my gawd, did I just say develope? Geesh, I meant develop.

[mamaloo]

that's easy! be a programmer.

[Sarcastic Journalist]

Seriously, what do they expect you to say at these things? "Uh, I get along in the internet blog world pretty well but i think people suck?"

"I hate old people and kids. In fact, I hate you."

Maybe you should just totally honest and they'll be so surprised they'll give you the job!

[melissaS]

Well sure they might....but is that even what I want?

I'm doomed.

[JEA]

I too am unfit for public consumption. After "happily" meeting enough HR ladies to pack a good Tupperware party over the past months, I have decided to become a hermit. That pays pretty well, right?

[Alice]

Be a writer, baby. Duh.

[L]

I'm going to sound like someone suggesting you take up Raising Unicorns for Fun and Profit with a little Knitted Sweaters for Small Animals business...on the side!

But.

Have you approached local newspapers about the idea of a weekly column? I was a journalism student once, before I decided I'd much rather major in "MORE THAN FIVE CREDITS A TERM IS TOO MUCH -- YOU START DEVELOPING BRAIN CANCER INSTEAD OF KNOWLEDGE!" and I'd really love it if more of the columns in papers today were written by people like you, Dooce, Robert Goulet. I don't have children, am not married, and spend my money on shoes and MAC instead of saving accounts so that says a lot about universal appeal.

Without sounding like you need your hand held and juicebox poked, I'd simply write up a cover/pitch letter, call around, pick and pluck your favorite entries and maybe expand them, and submit them. It sounds really crazy, and maybe I sound crazy, like the girl who's all "I notice you like sequins. MAYBE YOU SHOULD JOIN THE US OLYMPIC FIGURE SKATING TEAM! Can you rollerskate? SAME THING. Just pull off the wheels and glue on some BUTTER KNIVES instead!"

But.

I think you could do it. I'd like to see you do it. I think you've got the wit, talent, readership that is BEGGING for nationwide syndication and the title. Tell your website it can't come home until it has 1500 in big bills, cash, and a byline.

[CityMama]

I had those thoughts and I *was* a teacher. How scary is that. My favorite secret thought:

"I wonder if his mother knows he's retarded?"

[nicer funnier SIL]

You could be a sales rep - That's what I do and I hate people too. The people I hate most are the ones who tout, "Oh, I LOVE people - I'm a total people person." That's a bunch of crap and everyone knows it. Maybe you could start a petsitting business - we pay Miss Amy $11 for a 15 minute visit and $16 for a half hour visit - tack on $10 if it's a holiday. Eehh!

[cursingmama]

Well I liked "L's" suggestion of journalism, but I'd also like to throw at ya a little suggestion known as the "home party circuit" EVERYONE SHUT UP! You love your personal time during the day, and I'm going to guess you need that "me" time; so how about finding one of those party things that actually work. I don't do any of them, but know of a few that actually work. E-mail me if it sparks your interest.

[WindyLou]

Get a job at your friendly neighborhood Sonic! The tips are pretty good, you don't have to serve alcohol, and you can hate people too, we do. We routinely mock, torture and cuss our customers. The most common phrases heard at my store: Stupid bitch, stupid whore, and look! that guy isn't wearing pants. Hell, just this week we did the "meow" bit from Super Troopers.

[Fredette]

Ha! That's funny. I work and have always tried to work in that "dark room" LOL. I did admin work after H.S., did PowerPoint work, and then went to college to get a degree in multimedia development so I could continue to work at home. I love it. I do 99% of my work in my PJs.

Sad fact? It's Friday and the last day I left the house was Saturday of last week! Horrific. I need to get to get groceries today!

[Marissa]

Start your own distillery of that green alcohol/liquer that everyone is so bonkers about - absynthe. You can make lots of money, get people totally wasted, and it's illegal. Fun!
Or I saw the most brilliant way to make money with such little effort - painting fake signs for home decorations. You paint on a 2x4 piece of plywood something like "Damsel's Room" and sell it for $60.00. Wait... that's what I want to do!

[Marissa]

Start your own distillery of that green alcohol/liquer that everyone is so bonkers about - absynthe. You can make lots of money, get people totally wasted, and it's illegal. Fun!
Or I saw the most brilliant way to make money with such little effort - painting fake signs for home decorations. You paint on a 2x4 piece of plywood something like "Damsel's Room" and sell it for $60.00. Wait... that's what I want to do!

[kt]

OMG i am the person at our store who does most of the interviewing and this post made me realize how stupid my interviews are. I always ask, "Why do you want to work here?" STUPID STUPID! But you'd be suprised at the stupid things people say to get a job and we know they are lying. I would vote for those who think you should start a column in the newspaper and get paid for it.

[Jenni]

I completely think that you should pursue something in writing. My first thought after discovering your blog was " this lady needs to write a book!" My husband who majored in journalism agrees. Don't be all humble and stuff... have you seriously considered it?

[Ginny]

Oh. That's why I love your blog so much. Because I hate people too! And I actually do work in a dark basement with no light and no air - my very own basement office. I'm a medical transcriptionist and my job is perfect for me because I'm nosy as hell, can type really really fast and I don't need to interact with anyone ever. Plus I can work while my son is sleeping and I really should be doing that now.

[M]

I hate people too! Unfortunately for me my only skill is my people skills. *sigh* Please let me know ff you ever figure out a job that pays well that doesn't involve dealing with people.

[jenB]

I have a lovely job for people haters. I do web content development and communications at a university. Mostly I deal with people by email. I can go a whole day without having a work related interaction. Of course, I am on maternity leave for the moment and my current charge is pretty non-verbal. Working in an academic environment can weed out some of the unwashed masses.

[Emily]

It could be worse.You could be a hairstylist.Sometime I want to jab my scissors in my eye.Instead I settle for dreaming of whacking the offending customers ear off.

[nicole]

i am a teacher AND i hate people. especially 13-year-old people, who i spend all day with. you can imagine my mood at night.

[Ty Miller]

I'm not looking for a job, but just to mess with people I am going to go apply for a job or two. During the interview process I am going to be totally honest and answer all the questions the way I would answer them behind the interviewer's back, kinda like the Seinfeld episode where George does the opposite of his natural instinct (one of the greatest episodes). Wonder how many I'll get offers for??? Nice sociological experiment...

[Lori]

People sometimes (a lot) bug me too! Funny, I always seem to pick jobs that require me to be nice to people or to be thin....but that's another story. And speaking of good personalities....Here are your gorgeous nutty kids! Just wanted to let your readers see them in action. :)

http://my-expressions.com/expressions/page.cgi?id=810_1463848145;type=entry;tid=33646

[briantologist]

For people who hate people, I hear the Post Office is the place to be. Sadly, perhaps, it probably pays way better than retail. You might seriously consider it.

[Phil]

Jenny's suggestion would have made sense to me (a former darkroom person, myself) except for that I recently read Hannibal (aka Red Dragon) in which a blind darkroom worker picks a boyfriend with, um, issues. Never mind that he's played by Ralph Fiennes.

Re: answers and interviews, check out the blog of Mr. and Mrs. Pinky's friend Dave, who came up with some fine answers to bad interview questions, in "I guess I'm just a perfectionist who doesn't know the meaning of the word 'can't'". http://plooble.typepad.com/bleef/2003/12/i_guess_im_just.html