Bloody Marys Have No Place After 4pm.

A few things I've been meaning to talk about but I haven't been able to make up a clever post tying them all together.

A couple of weekends ago at a wedding we attended I was lamenting the fact that Logan had expressed some annoyance with my inability to put a meal on the table at the end of the day. I guess he felt that after working ten to twelve hours he didn't really want to come home to his wife sitting on her ass watching Spongebob with the kids while he fired up the stove to make something.

I thought he was a robot?

Anyway I mentioned this to another mother at the wedding and she said, "You know what you need? A crockpot! Because then you could have cocktails all afternoon at your play dates and dinner would still be ready afterwards!"

I fell a little bit in love with her in that moment and I sort of wanted to make out with her and share a bloody mary. But that would have been totally inappropriate. A bloody mary at six pm on a Saturday?

Then today I turned in an application for employment at my local YMCA. I decided it would be a nice stop gap until the perfect daytime position comes along. I turned in the application and went to pick up Max at his gym class and when I came up to the courtesy desk again the nice lady behind the counter said: "Can I schedule an interview with you?"

And I heard, "Have I scheduled an interview with you?"

So I replied, "No."

And she said, "No? I can't schedule an interview?"

Then I melted into the ground and I realized why I can't get a fucking job....because I beg people not to hire me. Yippee!

Logan vented about work tonight and I think he might have a program malfunction or something because robots don't complain about work right?

Also I have something kind of awful to tell you.

It turns out the Gossip Geyser doesn't read my website. HOWEVER, someone called her and told her that I wrote about her on this website. Isn't that just so wierd? She never even read the website but sends me an angry email about it's contents?

I owe the Gossip Geyser an apology. It turns out there is some confusion in my MOMS Club about which position the Gossip Geyser has actually held in the International MOMS Club organization and it wasn't actually her who was responsible for the polite request for me to remove any mention of the MOMS Club from my website.

She still has a constant stream of gossip spouting from her face but she does not appear to be responsible for the polite request for me to remove any mention of MOMS Club from my website.

In finding this information out, more information was revealed to me and I realized in the course of this discussion how people are just unable to be up front about anything. It's annoying because now I've hurt someone's feelings because of someone's inability to just tell me who it was who brought this issue to the fore.

I do feel badly for publically venting about someone who didn't have the part in my MOMS Club situation I thought she did. But then, as is my rule, I never say anything on this website I'm not willing to say in person. I can only apologize to her for taking the misinformation given to me and getting pissed about it...but I can't apologize for thinking she's a gossip.

So.....anyway I'm so ready to be done with this. But I really wish that when people had a 'polite request' to make they'd just do it and not cloak it in higher ups that want me to remove content from my website.

Just say what you have to say. It's true I may alienate quite a few people but you'll always know where I stand with you.

Let's wrap this up with something nice and happy and light.

At the wedding I mentioned above, the groom chose a song from Crowded House for his first dance with his lovely bride Rachel. I don't typically get hung up on music but I absolutely love this song. It's titled "Private Universe" and you should go to iTunes right now and look it up. I swear this song has been a part of a movie soundtrack. I don't get excited about music and I especially don't get excited about music from a guy who has Michael Jackson songs loaded on his iTunes library for God and all the world to see. But Mike picked this song and I love it.

Also, you should know that I'm cool with the Bloody Martini for after four pm consumption. I first had one at Bab's in Ann Arbor. (I love you Ann Arbor but not as much as Chicago) I loved those Bloody Martini's so much I puked out of the passenger side of the truck while in a parking space waiting for Logan to come drive me home.

See? Now I'm crying about the damn truck again.

Oh, I almost forgot. Talk me out of buying a nice new pair of dress up shoes to replace my six year old dress up shoes which have seen better days. I promise I'll just go to Payless and find something decent to wear to the big party we're going to Friday night. I'm thinking if my shoes are at least new no one will notice that I haven't had a haircut in TEN FUCKING MONTHS.

Comments

[lisa]

Girlfriend, you need to come out here and go to the outlets with me for cheap stuff. Eddie Bauer, 4 or 5 great shoe stores, Liz Claiborne, a couple great cooking/home stores, Old Navy outlet (even cheaper than Old Navy), couple good kids places, Banana Republic.

I'm brokedty broke broke but I can always score something at the outlets on the cheap.

Payless is going to wreck your feet.

[Mir]

Ummm... can I talk you into going to a Marshall's or a TJ Maxx or a Ross so that you can get some cool shoes for not that much more than what you'd pay at Payless...?

Barring that, can we just drink together for a while? ;)

[domin8trix]

1.i love crowded house. i can see Private Universe being a perfect first dance at a wedding song
2.a bloody martini sounds awesome
3.i love your honesty policy
4.get the shoes

[lindsay]

it's all about DSW! ::shudders in excitement of the thought::

[Jenn]

Ten months?? Oh my god, if I didn't have a haircut for 10 months, I'd look like a yeti. For real. I'll save money wherever I can (Holes in my shirt? What holes? Those are ventilation!) but I need my haircut.

Not that I'm saying that you look like a yeti.

And since you mentioned crying about the truck, I'll tell you that when I traded in my Dodge Shadow, the car that made funny smells and funny noises and burned oil, I sobbed while my husband looked at me as if I were a lunatic.

[Jenn (but not the one who commented above)]

So, if I ask you to stop mentioning my blog on your site, will you not mention it as much as you have stopped all mention of MOMS Club? Because really, the president of my fan club organization had a request for you to stop mentioning it. But then again, they are all bottle-fed idiots anyway.

[mamaloo]

I'll loan you my crock pot if you'll make out with me! J/K

[Phil]

Lovely song (at least from the sample) but as a couples dance?

By the way, Melissa, if Logan ever has to miss a wedding you're going to, I'll be glad to step in as your date. I'll even be the designated driver.

[Katerina]

My mother bought me a crockpot for my birthday some years back. It sits at the back of my cupboard. I have no use for it, because it still requires me to prepare food. Worse, it requires me to prepare food early in the day. And if I can't cook a meal by 8pm, what makes you think I can do it by 11am?

[tristan]

melissa,

as an avid fan, and as a bartender who trusts you, please don't take this the wrong way. bloody marys are okay to order anytime. i think that as a society, we are at a point where it's really okay to order a sex on the beach any time of the day, or for a lady to have two glasses of wine at lunch. drinking is meant to be fun, so have what you want to have. the only time you really perform a faux pas is when you order anything with more than three ingredients (two if the bartender is slammed). bloody marys are great, most places have pre-made mixes that you just add vodka to. the garnishes can be a bit of a pain, but you'd be amazed at how many people don't even want celery sticks.

[blackbird]

Good rule about never posting something that you wouldn't say to a person. Am now deleting my book club post....payless seems like a good idea...do you not have a friend who could cut your hair? Actually, I am thinkin, with Logan's skills, HE could
definitely cut your hair.

[melissaS]

Uhm....I was sort of kidding about the bloody mary thing.

But it's seriously not okay to order a sex on the beach at any time. Unless it's your 21st birthday.

See! I'm kidding again! Whatever you want to drink you drink it and don't let Ms Bliss ruin it for you.

[Mary]

Let me know if you come up with anything great for a crockpot...I love the concept but the only thing that ever turns out palatable are pot roasts and soups. Although, if you spend the afternoon having cocktails at playdates, who really cares what the food tastes like? :)

As for the shoes - I also encourage you to seek out a pair at TJ Maxx, Marshall's, DWS, etc. Avoid Payless...you don't want to end up wearing shoes endorsed by Star Jones, do you?

P.S. Could really go for a Bloody Mary right about now....

[Angie]

You DO need a crockpot. I'm also a SAHM, and sometimes I use my crockpot three days a week.

Here's a site with TONS of recipes:
http://southernfood.about.com/library/crock/blcpidx.htm

[tracy]

Payless has cute, cute shoes. Save your investment shoes for the ones you wear regularly. But then, maybe you were strappy little rhinestone trimmed sandals more often than I think. :-)

Also, Gossip Geyser? If she weren't such a geyser, it wouldn't have been so easy to believe she was the one involved. So it's still her fault.

[WindyLou]

Crockpots are good. Super easy recipe for shredded chicken (like you find in mexican dishes)This is my all time favorite crock pot recipe.

Frozen chicken breasts
1/2 c water
whatever spices you like (depending on what type of meal the chicken will go in)

Dump frozen chicken, water, spices in crock pot. Go do something else for 6-8 hours (can be done in about 4-5 on high)The chicken will shred itself (magic!) while cooking. Use for any recipe that calls for shredded chicken like casseroles, burritos, enchiladas, soups.

Payless is the spawn of the devil, imho. I second the motion to check out a TJ Maxx, Marshall's, or any other option before trying Payless.

[alice, uptown]

As for the interview: you were asked "can" I schedule an interview? The proper response (says the former editor and daughter of a grammar-perfect mom) is, "I assume you are able, that is, you have the physical ability, but as to whether you *may,* I'll have to check my datebook. [pause] Whoops, it says no. You may not. You do not have my permission."

That should keep you out of the job market for a good long time. The way I see it, work is terribly overrated. The only advantage is, they pay you for it in cash, so you get to buy better shoes. On the other hand, the price you might have to pay might be higher than you want.

I know if you're the Mommy, you're never really you're own boss, but at least you get to make decisions by fiat.

I wouldn't know a crock pot if I fell over one. Then again, I'm a single grown-up, and the only one who loses out on dinner if it doesn't get cooked or ordered in is me.

I vote for cocktails before crock pot -- in my wanderings as an honorary aunt, I've noticed that as long as you set the same food in front of your kids every day -- variations on the hotdog, chicken fingers, mac & cheese or related themes -- they seem to eat just fine. If it's nutrition you're concerned about, make 'em take vitamins. They cover a multitude of nutritional sins at any age.

As for Logan, my friends who think they should cook for their mates seem quite happy with animal protein on a George Foreman grill. Never having seen this item in operation, I can't vouch for it. But that, plus a baked potato (something even I can make), and some frozen veggies seems a well-rounded meal to me. Just make sure Logan has had his own part in cocktail hour. Convenience first, taste second.

As for really cool shoes, what about thrift and consignment shops in high-end neighborhoods?

[Cas]

Crockpot? Feh. Get yourself a cheap ass pressure cooker from smart bargains and you can have dinner ready lickety split. And GOOD stuff for dinner. Serious. I actually THREW MY CROCKPOT AWAY after meeting my pressure cooker. Plus, you can live in the danger everyone always assumes when pressure cookers are mentioned. Combine cocktails and high pressure cooking? Who needs fireworks?

As for the shoes, I agree...DSW is the way to go.

[Sarcastic Journalist]

as for the shoes...i think you're beautiful and don't worry-- everyone is too busy worrying about themselves.

[cursingmama]

So - after you melted to the floor at the YMCA, did you allow the nice lady with a job opening to schedule an interview with you?

[Lindsey]

You go to more weddings than anyone I've ever met...not that I've ever met you though.

[melissaS]

Yes interview is set...however it's like a worst of both worlds situation. I'll work all day at entertaining Max and staying sane trapped here with him....and then after the day is over...I'll go to work.

It's only a stop gap It's only a stop gap It's only a stop gap.

And yes, can you believe all these weddings? Not since 1997 have I attended this many.

[Danielle]

I have to tell you - - Private Universe happens to be one of my favorite songs........as a veteran of the 80's...and still today! It happens to be in my car along with Disney Princess tunes and Barbie music!
Sadly, I think I know the words to the Disney songs better!
:)

[leeann]

First off, Bab's rules. Second, how can you say you're not a fan of MJ being on constant rotation? Provided it's all pre-1991, you can't go wrong. Oh shit, and there's a third: crock pots are the best, and I can't find one where I live (which is not in America and people don't use their heads here, sometimes). I wanted to tie everything together, too, but it obviously didn't happen.

[Astacia]

Holy Cow, Please DON'T get a pressure cooker as someone else suggested.......they can be dangerous after a few drinks! I do have my husband fooled into thinking that I have a special recipe for ribs, but all I do is dump ribs and a whole bottle of BBQ into the crock pot and start her up! It's amazing what men believe!

[nikki]

Oh my God, I love Babs!!!!!!!! It is the best damn martini bar ever!

[Jackie]

Um, that's why God invented ponytails. I'm too broke to drop $60 for a haircut, and so it only happens once or twice a year... Ponytail day is a day of celebration around here (the day the hair is long enough to pull back).

Oh, and you can't go wrong with the TJ Maxx/Marshalls/DSW thing. I bought the cutest pair of red Franco Sarto heels for like $20 - super cute and ultra comfy - at Marshalls, for my Christmas party.

Have fun at the Big Party!

Jackie
www.jkcproject.blogspot.com

[Becky]

Why don't you head to Payless and buy a pair of extra wide shoes to shove up Janis' ass?

[Ed Note: I deleted Janis's comment which went something like this: Why dont you get off your ass and get a job. (Because taking care of my kids isn't a job....odd that I'll have to pay $400 a month for someone to do what I'm doing.) She also wondered aloud when I'd 'loose' my husband. I don't even know what it means but it's charming nonetheless. I'll let you all know if I loose Logan anytime soon. (You know lose and loose are very different words.) Even more odd she has the same ip address that one of my anonymous in law commenters had. My goodness christmas brings the best out in everyone! Happy HOLIDAYS!]

[Dana]

Bloody Mary's after 4pm are incredible. Especially when you've been drinking them since 9 am.

[Erica]

I love you and and I think we are twins. :-)

[Texas T-bone]

If I waited that long to get a haircut, you wouldn't be able to see my shoes.

[Pam]

I would NEVER try talking anyone out of buying shoes or drinking before 6pm. I start drinking at 5pm and that is the only way I manage to get dinner on the table.

[Sabrina]

I love bloody marys. Yum. I think you're great!

I understand stop gap measures since that's what I do right now, I'm home all day with my toddler and then off to work when the hubs gets home. It's for a short time, you're right about that, whatever it takes to get you over the hump!

Are there any beauty schools near you? You can get CHEAP haircuts and if they make a mistake you make the instructor fix it for free.

I LOVE my crockpot. I put everything together either the night before or first thing and then I never have to think about it again. Since I have to leave as soon as my husband gets home there has to be a meal ready or all my son would ever eat would be hot dogs and french fries! lol!

What size shoe do you wear? I've 5 pairs of FABULOUS going out shoes that I've only worn once and I'd be glad to send you a pair! I'm pretty sure your feet are smaller than mine though. These are all 9s.

Good luck and thanks for writing and letting me read about your life!