Coffered Ceilings Hurt Me In My Heart

Continuing on the same theme, sort of.

I need to move to Atlanta.

I already knew there were all sorts of new developments there which are exactly like our house only new but still beautiful and full of the same character we love in our current home.

The tour of this model made me throw an Atlanta or Bust sign on the mini van out back and start frantically packing up all our belongings.

Seriously, look at the coffered ceilings (which we put in our bedroom ourselves) and the bookcases, which are exactly like the ones in my own living room....except better because they're bigger.

And don't tell me you don't wet your pants a little when I show you the Chelsea, because you totally did.

Except then I remembered Logan loves his job and he's never leaving.

So tonight when a friend emailed me this, I knew it was destined to be.

We leave tomorrow.

All the praying and the manischewitz I've been drinking worked and I have an interview tomorrow. It's at a synagogue so bagels and matzoh here I come! Thank you God.

Now if you're Jewish you can't really say or even type the word God, correct? But the same friend who sent me the great news about Tiki Atlanta also sent me great news about taking the name of Jesus in vain instead of God. If I'm Jewish, I don't believe in Jesus so I can swear about Jesus Fucking Christ all the time!

I can't wait to say that in my interview.

You may have noticed this about me but I'm the type of person who likes to think about things. A lot. I like to think about things until they're begging me to stop thinking about them. I like to work through every possible scenario before I even have any idea what the real scenario is so that I have enough time to worry about every possible scenario.

Obviously if I waited for the scenario to be revealed I wouldn't have enough time to worry about every possible one. Logan just doesn't understand, but he's a robot so he just waits and waits until situations present themselves and then he figures them out as they happen.

Ha! What a fool.

So far today I've cried 3 times because Max got his progress report from school today. I know Max is seriously psychotic and he STILL wets his pants some of the time and I know he has that temper problem and I know that in the past I've thought about selling him on Ebay, but today he got his progress report from school and his Presbyterian teachers love him.

And I know all Presbyterian people gather in the moonlight and dance with Satan, but they really warmed my heart today with their nice words about my son.

"Max is a delightful boy. He is intelligent, well-spoken and has a sense of humor that is highly developed. In short, we love having him in our class; he cracks us up."

There were several areas of evaluation on this report and all of them were graded as 5's, which is the best you can do if you go to Presbyterian preschool. But after the area titled: "Communicates with others well." There is a hand written note which reads, "Max is extremely articulate."

And do you know what that really means? It means what I've been trying to tell all of you people all fucking summer. THEY TALK ALL THE TIME AND THEY NEVER STOP!

So I'm crying because I'm going to have to pull him from his Satanic Presbyterian preschool unless one of these jobs turns out to be a MWF type of position. And if you transform yourself into Logan and say, "Don't worry, it will all work out." I will lodge a matzo ball in your throat and you'll die while I say, "Don't worry, it will all work out."

I'm going to make a great Jew I think.

Tonight at dinner Logan and I were discussing the progress report and Madison heard us say the word 'articulate' and we ended up in a 20 minute long discussion about what articulate does and does not mean. It does NOT have anything to do with a particularly nice piece of art. Yes, just like the word 'Fart' doesn't really have anything to do with art. And on and on until I said, 'Why don't we turn on the idiot box now.' (which is the tv of course)

In fairness I have to tell you about Madison's report card which was all O's for Outstanding and O+ for She's Just So Great I Can't Even Believe You Could Do This With Formula! And also she got some S's and S+'s and those are just super too.

Guess what her highest marks were in?

Talking. If they gave grades for talking she'd have an OMFGSTATFT! (Oh My Fucking God She Talks All The Fucking Time!) But no really her best grades were in reading and her teacher wrote a nice note which reads: "Madison is making excellent progress in first grade. She is interested in learning, a hard worker and a good listener."

In my mind she wrote a note which read: "Could you try to talk to your daughter less because she's talking all the time and she asks so many questions I think my face melted off today."

At conferences Logan and I asked how she was doing socially. She just turned six a couple of weeks ago and most of the children in her grade have been six for quite some time. Some of the girls in her class even turned 7 in September and October. I worry all the time that she's not able to handle the pressure of being the youngest in the class.

The teacher said she had nearly forgotten about all the crying she did at the beginning of the year, because she's totally fine now. She's just like everyone else, except, the teacher said, she certainly talks a lot doesn't she. Then she laughed nervously.

And I said, lady, until she calls you into her room at 11:30pm to ask you what 'disembowel' means, I don't want to hear your whining.

Good night.

Comments

[Pete]

I'm a lurker... I don't comment. That said, this post? Yeah, I actually laughed out loud. Thrice. You're amazing. Don't ever change. (Religion excepted)

[blackbird]

Okay - so did a little chant to St. Martin today for you to get that job -- don't know if he works for jewish jobs tho --we'll just have to wait and see.

And thanks. Thanks an effin lot for the freakin Atlanta damn houseplans and shit.

God, my blood is boiling now! There is no freakin way in the freakin world WE can move there. In Atlanta my husband would have to make auto dealership commercials for a living! have you ever watched southern car dealership commercials. Sure we'd be living in the house of our dreams but our lives would totally SUCK.

So yeah, thanks for those gorgeous pictures.

I'll try to calm down now.

[Stacie]

I live in Atlanta. (Sort of...that's what we all say when we live in the total 'burbs.) I would love, love, love to hear your take on this place. But nice as the Chelsea is, you can't live in that part of town. You just can't. Trust me.

[jane]

Oh my god. If I had a shiny new kitchen like the one in that model, with sleek stainless steel and glistening hardwood floors, I wouldn't even need to stock it with food. I'd just lick the appliances all day.

[carrie]

you crack me up.

You would probably hate it here in Atlanta. And if you bought the Chelsea, you better love it because you can't leave it after dark. Or during the day either really. And you'd better get a good security system. I'd put Choppable out on the front porch to defend you too.

Great job on the marks, kiddos! Talk on, talkers.

I'll think good Jewish thoughts for you.

[Mary]

Yes, some of the houses in Kirkwood are adorable. But, I gotta agree with the previous comments...the neighborhood is still just a little bit too, uh, transitional. How do you feel about paying for private school?

Other than that...Trader Vic's is my favorite bar in Atlanta. Come visit and I'll buy you all the Mai Tai's you can handle.

Good luck on the interview! Mazel tov!

[robin]

To add to what's already been said. Atlanta rocks - I love living here and it's an awesome city. However, there are a few problems with that house and, in particular, that neighborhood: (a) they didn't show the bars you'll need on your windows in order to live there, (b) they didn't show you the next-door neighbors (a bunch of crack houses complete with boarded up windows), and (c) they didn't add that the average price for a home in that area is about $300,000 less than what they're asking for the dear little Chelsea.

[Sie]

The house IS adorable. Just move it to a safer more stable part of town and come join in the traffic jam like the rest of us.

[cursingmama]

I have no information on Atlanta, I've never even been near there, so if thats what you're looking for - just move along.
I do however have information on thinking about things a lot. I think about things so much, I make Excel spreadsheets to evaluate their possible outcomes and how they may affect me in 20 years. Mr. Motorcycle, like Logan, is a take it as they come kind of guy; I have come to believe that Think's A LOT OCD is best medicated by a Take It As They Come Kind Of Guy. I can go on and on and on and think and think and think and evaluate and vascilate and he NEVER EVER puts any fuel on the fire which would only add to the Think's A LOT OCD stress. Although it is sooo annoying that he isn't up nights worrying about what color the paint in the bathroom should be and how that might affect the development of the children - jerk!
Lemme know if you'd like some spreadsheets, I've gotten quite good at them ;-)

[Anyabeth]

Just an FYI, Jews don't really believe in Hell so you can't actually go there. That was the best news ever in conversion class.

[melissaS]

All right all right....it's a bad neighborhood. I'm from Detroit, it takes more than a few bars on my window and a few crack houses to scare me!

Of course I live an utterly suburban existance in suburban Detroit so I guess I'm just living in a dream. But, seriously, I wasn't packing up to move today.

And Anyabeth....YES! I told Logan that just last night. No car pool lane to hell for me anymore.

[Nicole]

About Madison being a talker in class and home? I used to talk so much in kindergarden that my teacher moved me from a table of my friends to a different table. Still talked too much -- moved me to a table over boys. Talked too much (and made them my servants) -- moved me to a table by myself (but still by other kids). STILL talked too much -- moved me to a desk in the back of the room all by myself. Talked to myself too much -- teacher gave up and moved me back with my friends. Currently, I am considered one of the most sociable people in the lab (which is saying alot for a scientist). Who knows? Maybe your children will grow up to be politicians (they talk all the time too).

[Sarcastic Journalist]

and one day madison will talk her husband's ears off. She's great and so is he. I think we could all be so lucky to have smart kids who just happen to talk a lot. At least you don't have the ones who eat glue.

[Alice]

I peed my pants regularly until second grade. But now I hardly ever do.

[Corrie]

Okay, I did totally pee my pants when I saw the house...LOVE IT! Remember all the Hebre you are going to have to learn. Hanukkah starts in seven days...

[Katy]

Hey hey hey, Kirkwood is not THAT bad. I'm just a few blocks away and it's been 2 whole weeks since our last theft. And almost a month since anyone on this street has had a car break in. Really people, don't be such pussies!

Here's the Degenerate Press review of the first Tiki Torch Night: http://www.degeneratepress.com/the_vaults/tongo_hiti_9_2004/index.html

The dude in the second picture down is totally the same person as this chic in the center of this picture: http://www.themothball.org/themothball2/photos/photo6.html Yes that's a bottle of Jack Daniels in my shirt.

[tracy]

Ooooh... pretty, pretty houses. Hate the galley kitchen, though.

[mamaloo]

I'm going crazy trying to think up careers for your kids that will capitalize on all that talking. Rap? Speechwriting? The possibilities are endless. Start grooming them now.

[Beerzie Yoink]

You know, you worry too much about Max. I am seriously psychotic and wet my pants some of the time and have a temper problem, and am still a... a...

Never mind.

[LargeMarge]

Stumbled onto your site while thinking about creating my own blog (and realizing that SuburbanBliss.net/.com was already taken). However, upon reading yours, I have decided not to create my own -- yours is much better. I don't have the guts to name names (Moms Club Bitches included), can't talk about in-laws for fear of losing husband, and can't mention names of any employers for fear of lawsuits. So hat's off to you for putting so much of your self into this site. That's what makes it so amazing. We don't KNOW you, but we do know you. KWIM? Toss the lactation nazis to the curb and keep on blogging.

[mieke]

Actually, technically speaking, the third commandment says you shall not "swear falsely by the name of Adonai your God, for Adonai will not clear one who swears falsely by his name" Which is not at all about saying "God damn it" but about having integrity. So go forth with confidence that you have license to say "Oh my God", "God damn it", and any other variation of that without punishment. He he.

Now I gotta get back to making latkes. Good luck on the interviews.

M

[mike brady]

I'm yet another person living in the burbs of Atlanta. Those pictures are awesome. I wish that I could consider moving in to a house of that price. I guess I'd have to be Jewish to afford it! ;-)

I guess it was the late 60s or early 70s that they not only ended segregation in Georgia, but they also started integrating the school via busing. Other cities experience "white flight", but in Atlanta the city was completely abandoned.

Just to give you an idea of what I mean, the metro Atlanta population is around 4 million. I think that the population of Atlanta is something like 400,000.

But then two things happened. 1) Gay people and young people starting moving in to town. 2) Just as forced integration was a complete disaster, the government roads in Atlanta are also a disaster. As a result of the traffic and the new fad of living "in town", decent working people starting moving back in to the city.

Unfortunately I'm not one of them. I live in the East Cobb County, where the cheapest new homes I've seen lately are $500,000. I don't worry about my neighborhood going downhill because I am the white trash of East Cobb. I'm as poor as it gets. I am the one holding back the property values of those $900,000 homes going up just around the corner from me!

[Very Mom]

I didn't just wet my pants a little, I outright took a dump in my pants. What gorgeous houses! With so much character! And not 179 years old!

[trudie]

yes, i did have to go change my clothes after seeing the chelsea--that is TOTALLY the best one!

maybe you should tell logan that you're concerned for the safety of the children. atlanta's a wise choice, since it's only #3 or #4 on the most dangerous city list--right behind detroit. it's an improvement, you see! :)