Diamond Encrusted Toilet Bowl Brush.

When I said Logan needed another job, did you think I wanted him to be happy at his next job, just paid what he's worth?

Because that is so totally not what I meant. I meant that I won't be happy until I am rich, FABULOUSLY RICH with a diamond encrusted toilet bowl brush...make that TWO diamond encrusted toilet bowl brushes!

Did you think I wanted him to stay in his field, maybe just designing for new clients? Because that's not what I meant. I meant I wanted him to sell his soul to the devil and become a LAWYER. Because designing at a new job with new clients and being paid what he's worth would still leave him happy...and I do NOT WANT HIM TO BE HAPPY.

Did you think that I meant that Logan could move his career forward within his field and would quite possibly find the satisfaction of more responsibilities and perks and more money in a new position? No no no. I won't be happy until I suck every last bit of joy out of his bones. That diamond encrusted toilet bowl brush isn't going to buy itself with 'Happiness'.

Believe me it's not easy to try and make Logan unhappy but I'm working very hard at making sure I take away all the joy in his life.

Thanks for the lovely email from the one person who understood what I was saying, it made a pretty shitty day feel even shittier!

I used to wonder why Dooce would let her hate mail bother her. I thought to myself, 'People are just mean and nasty when they're jealous. You're fabulous and everyone else thinks so. Screw those assholes.'

Then last night Logan, whom I had chained in the basement for his nightly Joy Depleting beating, said the exact same thing and I felt horribly misunderstood and frustrated and I realized why hate mail bothers me. (I realized this after I beat the living crap out of Logan because my goodness he seemed awfully happy yesterday and I can't have all that happiness rolling around!)

I throw myself out here warts and all and I make myself very vulnerable by doing so. Hate mail is misguided hatred from someone who doesn't understand that this is a website and one is not required to read it. It really shouldn't bother me, since these comments are many times from people who think they have it much worse than me and are therefore irritated when I have the nerve to feel any dissatisfaction with my life.

Unfortunately, the satisfaction in my life doesn't come from knowing my life isn't as shitty as anyone elses. I feel bad for everyone's shitty situations that cause them heartache and stress and worry. I may not want to read about their struggle to come up with the way through those things, but then I just don't read their fucking website.

I'm so glad I got that off my chest. Logan will be happy too because maybe tonight I won't have to beat the joy out of him with as much vigor.

So I had my interview yesterday afternoon. When you have an interview, do you feel like you're interviewing the place as much as they are interviewing you?

Because this time around in the job game I know what I'm looking for pretty clearly. I know what I need to be happy in a position. I need a part time position first of all. Logan travels a lot and works late a lot of the time and has a thriving freelance business, so my 'career' has to fit within his.

I do not want a full time position which is shoved into 29 hours of work because 'that's what we can afford'.

I don't want to sit through an interview where the job is outlined in excruciating detail and I'm told over and over 'this position is obviously far more work than what we can pay you for'.

I don't want to hear the fiery anger at the last girl who just 'up and left' because there's usually a reason people 'up and leave'.

I don't want to hear about how horrible the members of the synagogue are. I don't want to hear how bitchy Mrs Fineman is and how if the bar mitzvah for Mrs Greenburg doesn't go off perfectly there will be 'hell to pay'.

I don't even want to plan the Greenburg's bar mitzvah.

Perhaps she was trying to scare off the people who don't really want to work for far less money than the work they're doing is worth. Which absolutely worked.

It's not that I can't deal with impatient or angry people. I can. (I'll just make fun of them on my website to let off the steam.) It's that I want to work somewhere that holds a little less animosity toward the people it serves.

It was also a little troubling when I was introduced to the other members of the office staff and one started openly weeping and begging me to take her home and the other one didn't even look up from her work and only waved in my direction.

My office did have a window and part of me really wants a window in my office. Part of me just really wants an office. Part of me wants this skirt which Logan and I agree would be a lovely reward for getting a new position.

But then she said if I wanted to work there I would have to eat babies! Can you believe that? First the Episcopalians and now this.

Keep the job prayers coming. It's really important I continue to suck the joy out of Logan's life and my part time job is an integral part of the master plan.

Comments

[Hanna]

Jesus, I can't get who's got the time or energy to compose and send hate mail. Particularly if it's the kind that's masquerading as some type of righteousness. I'm sorry that happened. They obviously need more fun skirts in their lives, or something.

Hold tight on the job thing - the right thing is out there for you. Eating babies is so unneccessary.

[Heidi]

Hello, I just wanted to say a quick hello, I found your journal through weewonderfuls blog and have been checking in daily! You are so witty that I find myself recounting your tales to my husband, instead of just showing him your blog. :) Anyhow don't let the bad ones get you down it is quite obvious that you are very loved!

[blackbird]

Okay - first:
at least people are reading you --
I NEVER GET ANY MAIL, no less hate mail...I effin LIVE for the day I get hate mail.

Second:
I don't think you want to work at the synagogue. My friend works at a synagogue and it is not nice. (There are other (NOT ANTI-SEMETIC) reasons too, but we won't go into them here. Call me.

Third:
I would just like to thank all of you Boden pushers - BECAUSE NOW I WANT EVERYTHING IN THE DAMN CATALOGUE AND CAN HAVE NONE OF IT. NONE.
And I had never have even known it existed if it weren't for people like you.

[gwbuffalo]

First, I really enjoy your writing and think your writing is improving as you invest more time on your blog. Secondly, as a former technical writing manager even my writers got hate mail from people within our company about insane topics. Technical writing hate mail for god's sake, where creativity is nearly non-existent and emotions are vaporized at the door.

[gwbuffalo]

I forgot to add my third comment. Do you really think the word 'encrusted' and the object toilet bowl brush work well together? Some very bad visuals, but I suspect you already knew what you where doing.?

[tracy]

They really told you all of that? Makes you wonder what they *didn't* tell you. Too bad - that skirt is almost worth taking a job you know you'll hate.

[flea]

Don't you listen to that piece of hate mail! I've seen Logan with my own eyes and it's obvious to anyone that he needs a good beating. You keep up the good work!

[alice, uptown]

It sounds like a crappy job -- overworked and underpaid is not a situation you want as your part-time get-the-kids-out-of-my-hair office gig. I should, however, point out that Jews have tons of holidays you've never heard of (neither have I, assimilated Jew that I am), and the good part about working for them is you get tons of days off, for reasons you won't begin to fathom. Other than that, I don't see it. Matzoh balls are lovely, but I'd keep them in the soup (preferably one that someone else made).

[Karyn]

I completely knew what you meant the other day. Those spiteful losers really get my knickers in a twist.

You ARE fabulous and we ARE all jealous of you. Keep on writing and making me feel just a little bit better about my decision to stay at home with my two kiddies.

P.S. Definitely understood the wantig to do dirty things to Logan when he made that ckae. I feel that way every time my husband vacuums or puts laundry away.

[Karyn]

Sorry for all the typos. I must have gotten a good solid 3 hours of sleep last night. Courtesy of bundle of joy #2.

[Amanda]

I definitely sympathize with the interviewing them idea. If I'm going to take time away from my family and my life, there better be some MAJOR ass-kissing involved.

It's their PRIVILEGE to hire you. Don't let them forget it!

[Amanda]

PS - and fuck you very much for the Boden link. Now I have ONE more place to drool over all the stuff I can't afford. As if the diamond encrusted toilet brush wasn't enough reason for me to feel green.

Geez!

;)

[Jenn]

We all know why you REALLY torture Logan. You want diamond encrusted coffered ceilings, of course! ;)

[Erica]

That's very strange -- I have always assumed that being a really thorough Joy Depleter was a full-time position. I know it is for me, at least.

And horrible hate-mailer? I think I speak for all of us when I say, "Go bugger yourself."

[mamaloo]

but which babies do they eat, I wonder? the ones from the families they complain about probably...

[kt]

dang this +*is*+ the best blog on the internet. Dang. I love your posts! I HOPE YOU GET THE JOB! it sounds like something that would prompt a lot more entries in here.

[Liz]

You are so damn funny. Seriously. No for real. All haters aside, you are like the funniest of funny people. I enjoy your writing so much, and really appreciate your sarcasm and honesty. Ignore the nay-sayers!

Liz

[Kim]

Uhm, yeah, the hate-mailer clearly had thier head *way* too far up thier ass on that one. Mistook the ol' colon for the brain, or something.

Wanting to not be broke or struggle financially does not=wanting one's husband to sell his soul so one can live like a friggin' queen. I'm in that boat too, so I feel your pain, hon.

[WindyLou]

Down with the haters! At least you got haters- that is how you know you've made it big in the blog world. Sorry it happened though.

[Lil' Sis]

Okay, Lis, I think you might need to review The Rules of Employment. They would LIKE for you to do all of these things they mention in the interview. Whether or not you DO them is YOUR choice. And it doesn't really determine whether or not you keep your job. What is really key is finding something that you know how to do that nobody else can do. That's easy. Just say "Yes, sir." "Sure I can do that" "Whatever you need," and then... just don't. As long as you're friendly with the office staff, and look harried at the moments when everyone else looks harried. Oh, and be able to clear a paper jam in the copier or make a decent cup of coffee. (man, who needs college?! Working at Kinko's has helped me more than most of my friends' degrees.) Because deep down, I think all managers & employers KNOW they will be disappointed, so they pile on amounts of work that no single two-armed human could possibly finish in the hopes that at least enough to keep the organization afloat will get done.

I am totally serious, Lis. You know what a fuck-up I am, and yet somehow I have never once been fired. I call in sick an average of 3x per month and work with a hangover twice a week, and yet, they don't fire me. I have yet to bill one single solitary "secondary insurance claim" (which is a major part of my job) and yet I'm up for a promotion.

This will be a lot easier than you think.

Oh, and from my vast experiences with synagogues and Jewish organizations (okay, BOTH experiences), keep in mind that Jewish women seem culturally inclined to gossip. Be glad if you can get in with the Yiddish-speaking ones and not the Russian-speaking, because there's at least a chance you will know when they are gossipping about you. Ha!

Dos Vidanyia
miao.

[Lil' Sis]

PS- there's an ad for the Sani-Seat Toilet Seat on your page, and it reminded me of a certain evening that Beth & I convinced you those toilet doilies were hats at Denny's, and then mom threw up sirloin tips all over herself in the car.

...good times...

miao.

[melissaS]

I just wet my pants. Seriously. The hat and then that horrible food poisoning moment which in my teenage persona made me just roll my eyes at our mother puking in the parking lot of Denny's, "Moth-errrrr you are like, so embarassing."

I'm so fucked when Madison is a teenager.

Anyway, check your stupid email. I can't reach you on your phone!

[pinky]

That job sounds like ten pounds of hell squeezed into a five-pound sack. Run, I tell you - run.

and to reiterate what everyone else said - fuck the haters. But i understand how one person who doesn't get what you're saying completely undermines all the kindred souls who do. To heck with 'em.

And eesh - that skirt is too, too cute. Too cute to work at a job where the staff looks at you with the I've Been Here Far Too Long eyes.

[Michelle]

Who cares about some dumbass with no sense of humor or reality. What's important is that freaking skirt. It's so darn cute, you must have it. I immediately sent away for a catalogue and will be looking for a job of my own to pay for everything in there I need. Oh and the job will also give me somewhere to wear the frilly sweater. Baby play time at the library is generally a casual affair.

[tracy]

Oh my god, Boden has kids clothes. I am fucked.

[Very Mom]

The hate mailer needs to stop eating babies and pull the diamond encrusted toilet brush out from between her tightly clenched buttocks.

[mamaloo]

I'm with you: I hate mail too. oh! is this thing on?

[patti]

First of all that skirt is way overpriced and I am absolutely confident that the combined talents of you and Logan could totally MAKE that skirt. A little fabric, a little sewing maching action, a little fabric paint, a little artistry...replicate for $20, my friend.

Secondly, hate mail is a compliment. You moved somebody. Moving somebody, even in a "bad" way, is good.

Congratulations, Miss Mover.

[Beerzie Yoink]

Perhaps you should become a Papist.

[cursingmama]

Jeez, I guess I should count myself lucky that my blog is so unpopular - not a troll or hate mail to be found. What is with people these days - if you don't like someones journal - move the fuck on already.

Anyway - sorry the jews didn't work out, I can see how the baby eating thing would be a total deal breaker. As a Catholic, I can tell you there is absolutely no baby eating allowed - maybe theres a job with the Catholics available?

Good Luck!

[cursingmama]

Shit - I also forgot to mention that "nightly Joy Depleting beating" is your job - as the wife and all. It was in the vows - I remember it clearly, just after that obey part....

[Sarcomical]

i am hoping you DO get a job, but one that you will not hate, even though it's true that one that you'd hate WOULD make lovely blog material.

also, i think hate email is so chickenshit. you can be completely anonymous, go to any random place and comment to any random person for any random thing, bruise them with your evil meanness, and then leave and never care about how you've made them feel. BAH! those people are the biggest losers.

YOU, my dear, are too awesome.

[Jenny]

Melissa...you ROCK! I think all men deserve a good joy depleteing beating! Wanna do my hubby next..he's just to fuckin happy, it ain't from anything I did! lol! ;)