Hold your arms up....for scale!

Maddie has been under the impression she has headlights (head lice) in her hair.

How I wish she only had a few bright halogen bulbs sticking out of her hair. Because halogen bulbs aren't disgusting and they don't lay eggs and if the halogen bulbs won't leave her head alone, I could just create a really interesting track lighting system in my kitchen.

But instead she has the most vile and disgusting and stealth little fuckers in her hair.

Tonight I found myself SCREAMING at her head, GET THE FUCK OUT!!!!!!! But they won't listen. Apparently they don't respond to verbal threats OR chemical apocolypse.

Let me give you the run down of my last few days. Tuesday night I noticed Madison was still scratching her head and being the stupid retarded asshole of a mother I am, I thought to myself, 'Hey, Asshole. You might want to take this child with the itchy scalp to the doctor."

At that point I was thinking it was seborrhea (which as it turns out is a fancy name for dandruff. Who knew?). I thought the doctor might tell us to up the T-Gel and that would be that. But as I pondered calling the doctor I started fondling my lovely, clean, beautiful daughter's hair.

Huge mistake. If only I would have started the fondling her hair the following morning I may have gotten one nice normal night of sleep before my nightmare began.

As I fondled her sweet smelling (and oh so very clean) hair, I SAW SOMETHING MOVE!

And since I'm such a great mother I remained calm, depending on how you define calm.

I define 'remaining calm' as not screaming "JESUS CHRIST THIS CHILD SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN LET INTO THIS COUNTRY!!!!! SEND HER BACK TO IRELAND!!!!!!!"

According to Logan remaining calm doesn't involve saying anything like, "OH MY GOD!!!! SOMETHING JUST MOVED ON HER HEAD!!!!! GET ME A COMB!!!!!!!!"

Saying this didn't keep Madison calm either. She started crying and I started back tracking.

"Well Madison, I thought it was a bug but it was an ALL EXPENSE PAID TRIP TO DISNEY WORLD ON YOUR HEAD!!!!!"

Please tell me there is a Santa.

So, Tuesday night, when I unfortunately uncovered the Headlights on Madison's scalp, we started this hellacious journey. Except this is when the really great part starts! That big fat freelance check (which Logan earned by the way...did you think I'd get off my fat ass and make money? God!) had a hold put on it since it wasn't a payroll check and since that was being held there wasn't any cash in our checking account.

You're thinking, 'Just float a check until the funds clear.'

Ah, but you aren't a Stupid Fucking Summers like we are. We used our last check on Tuesday afternoon! Weeeeeeeeeee!

So off I went to borrow money from my mother. I'll tell you, you haven't lived until you've borrowed money from your mother to pay for the LICE TREATMENT on your child's head. Things are so totally awesome here. But you just wait! Things are getting even more awesome!

Tuesday night we stayed up until 12am vacuuming and changing sheets and vacuuming mattresses and at one point the children were crouching on the bathroom floor crying..."Oh...but we're tired....." (I am not kidding. They said that like some Dickens orphans.)

But I said, "You're not tired! You have lice you foul beasts and I'm going to use this (metal) comb (...as has been repeatedly recommended) until I get all those stupid little monsters off your head!"

Oh, surprise! Max had them too!

After we got everything cleaned up Logan went to bed and I sat by the light of the christmas tree and drank about 1.5 too many vodka gimlets and also used way more than my fair share of our narcotics stash.

The following morning I started my day by picking through my daughter's head looking for bugs to eat because at that point I'd become nothing but a common monkey. Unfortunately my diet was ruined when I found nits on her head and then, though I could have been coming off the acid trip from the night before, I saw another of THOSE FUCKING BUGS CRAWLING ACROSS HER MOTHER FUCKING SCALP!

Then I wished I might die.

But I didn't die. I called the pediatrician and asked what we should do now and she said, "You go to Costco and get yourself a jar of mayonnaise large enough you could dock your jet ski in it. Also, a similarly sized bottle of Makers Mark."

I followed Doctor's orders and bought a vat of mayonnaise, even though Logan hates mayonnaise with a fiery passion mostly reserved for republicans. It was only when I got it home that I realized, 'Wow, this is a lot of mayonnaise.'

This was a big barrel of mayo. Maybe that picture doesn't show you the sheer volume. For comparison, check out the bottle of Bell's Logan brought home for me tonight next to the Vat of Mayo.

Perhaps you still didn't get a feel for the size of the Vat O' Mayo. Here I hold my hands up for scale.

I combed and I slathered mayonnaise on my daughter's hair and then I picked and picked and picked and I swear to God above I got every one of those fuckers out of her hair in the two hours of picking I did.

And Thursday morning I checked again but not all that hard because I KNEW I got all of them the night before and we headed off to school.

I stopped at the office because I'm an honest type of person and I said, "My daughter had lice yesterday and I'm wondering if I need to do anything to get her back to class."

And the secretary wasn't there but the PTA president was and she said, "I'll need to check her hair."

So she did and OH MY FUCKING GOD! More nits!!!!!!!!

The PTA President, who I officially hate now, said to me, like I'm retarded. "Well you need to use a chemical shampoo on her hair."

And I said, "Golly! Really? Uh huh....no kidding? I never heard of one of them thar chemical shampoos. I done thought if I poured just a little vodka and lime juice on those critters, them varments'd go away on thar own. Hooooo Weeeee. You done learn somethin every damn day!"

The PTA President is now a dead rat on my desk with mayonaisse and Rid spread all over her carcass.

The rest is an ongoing saga. I did another chemical bomb on my daughter's hair which is apparently going to send her to the emergency room and quite POSSIBLY KILL HER!!!!!!! As if the formula feeding wasn't enough, I mean don't I love her enough? Now I'm going to Agent Orange her cute little arse. Will I never stop?

I went through her hair 3 times tonight and each time I found at least one nit.

I guarantee tomorrow I will call Mr Bush on my private line and tell him to just bomb my house because there is no other way.

Thankfully, Logan will be busy at a party so he won't have to be killed in the name of the Lice. Maybe he'll at least take Max with him. Maddie and I are going down.

Comments

[joan]

ohmygod- all I can offer is prayers to the nit-be-gone-god, and freely admit that I am knocking-on-wood, crossing-my-fingers, and otherwise making any and all offerings that I please-please-please avoid this plague with my 2 girls. I don't even have any advice to offer - personally I'd be well into the liquor cabinet -but I will continue my wood-knocking-finger-crossing in hopes you get through this soon!
p.s. you are sooo a candidate for at least a day of leisure of your choosing!

[Antonia]

I will let the "BACK TO IRELAND" bit fly without getting my knickers in a twist because, well, you have a narcotics stash, and are thereby for some totally adolescent reason respectable, and also because I know the truth. I got my nits in HOLLAND! So how's that for irony? (I am from Ireland, narcotics are largely from Holland, I am a little drunk and don't know if these things speak for themselves). And if you ask me, you deserved that more than fair share.

[mamaloo]

lice suck. you are not missing nits, those new ones you found are more that the live lice are laying. but you probably already know that.

I will now end my academic discussion of lice's ways. my sincere condolences! I am a cosmetologist but haven't practiced in years, so I don't have any tips for you. I suck, don't I.

[Snapper]

Oy! Hope you are nit/lice free soon.

[Amanda]

the mayo works great but leave it on overnight covered with a showercap. its so very nasty in the morning but well worth it. smothers all the live lice and the hair is so greesy in the morning the nits slide right off. I couldn't eai mayo for months after that.

If all else fails you could always shave her head.

Good luck...been there more than i like to admit.

[Kasmira]

You may also want to consider where your children picked them up and keep them away. When I was growing up, my sisters picked up lice from one family of neighborhood children over and over again. Once they moved away, the outbreaks stopped.
However, if your children picked them up at school, there is not much you can do except to complain.

[Mary]

OH! Melissa, your account of this is hilarious but I am SO SORRY that you're having to go through this! Just the slathering of mayonaise alone would be enough to send me over the edge (I share Logan feelings on this condiment and the fact that it can be used for delousing only confirms my opinion).

Hang in there!

[Zi]

Ok, I know it's irritating to get internet assvice from annoying know-it-alls, but here it goes anyway. *DO NOT* use any more Rid or stuff like that. YOu are creating superresistant lice. Each one that survives the apocalypse breeds stronger, more resiliant lice. Lice can only live in a clean environment, so slather up Maddie's hair, put a showercap over it, and send her to bed. They shouldn't be able to survive the night. But in case they do, douse the comb in tea tree oil for the post-mayo comb out. That should send the fuckers packing. I'm an elementary school teacher and I have a kid Maddie's age, so trust me, I know from lice. Good luck!

[Lisa]

We used Rid and a generic brand twice, (two different outbreaks) and it killed our damn lice, and so far 3 years later- no nuclear winter in our house. Seriously, my kids don't have cancer, nor have they grown any extra appendages. So quit giving her shit if she wants to use the shampoo.

Once the bad bugs are gone, use tea tree shampoo (Paul Mitchell) once or twice a week. Supposedly lice hate the smell. Who knew they were such finicky little fuckers? Anyway we use it every Sunday night, and we haven't had lice again.

[WindyLou]

STOP! in the naaaaame of lice.

[Bes]

When I was a kid in the 4th grade, I kept coming home with repeated instances of lice. After much treatment with Rid and other OTC lice shampoos, my mother switched to using dog shampoo on my hair. That was the only thing that worked. The other thing was that the classroom that I was in had a lice infestation, one of my classmates brought the lice from home. You may want to have your children's teachers or the school treat the classroom and check the fellow students' heads.

[chelsea]

yep - the tea trea oil is the best idea. in fact, every other time you wash your their hair, put a little tea tree oil in the shampoo. those little fuckers don't like it - and it will help the kids to stay clear of lice in the future.
i've been a preschool teacher and nanny for years - this is the only thing that works consistently.

[Dawnlight]

The description of your battle with lice is horrifying! Sorry you are going through that, I hope you find a solution soon! When in doubt, I go to webmd for everything! I browsed the section on lice and found tons of useful information. If you haven't been there already-here is the direct link:

http://aolsvc.health.webmd.aol.com/hw/raising_a_family/aa35462.asp

Good luck with that...I am itchy just thinking about it!

[melissaS]

Oh no....Dawnlight....did you ask for permission before linking to that site!

AHHHHHHH.

AOL will be after me next.

[Lindsey]

We've done the lice battle twice around here and the second time after two months and $350 spent in lice shit, I finally called the doctor and said "GIVE ME SOMETHING STRONGER NOW NOW NOW." And she did and it worked. Call the doctor again. Also, you have to check for nits every night for like two weeks before they will all be gone. And did you have her sleep with the mayo on her head with a shower cap? That's what smothers them.

[Diana]

Oh, your post brought back all the horrors...

(I remember feeling so weary and defeated that I idly wondered if I could adopt my kids out and just start over with new, lice-free babies.)

One thing that I think helped us: Look at the main ingredient in the pesticide shampoo that you're using. There are two different (and they're only SLIGHTLY different) chemicals used in the leading brands. Sometimes when everyone in a certain geographical area uses one of them, the lice become resistant. I tried the other one and after two weeks of nit-picking (I can never use that phrase in its metaphorical sense now) and combing and sterilizing craziness, the whole thing seemed to just disappear after that other shampoo. Overnight. It's worth a try.

Thanks for finding the humor in it. :)

[Heidi]

I have to link this post to my blog. I have to you are just too damn funny. I will add a disclaimer, don't worry...

[Diana]

Oh, and the tea tree oil people are onto something. I used a tea tree shampoo on my daughter and the lice were literally running for their lives. (Creepy, I know.) They hate that stuff.

[Liz]

This is bringing me flashbacks of my friend in college who took a long hot bath to try to drown the crabs he got from merely sleeping in the same bed as someone who was infected. Oh the horror! I should have told him about mayonnaise, if only for the comedic possibilities. Good times.

[R]

When we were little, mom checked our head almost every week because she was so paranoid about lice. Four little girls with thick long hair - and we had lice several times - it gives me the creeps thinking about it!! Those horrible smelling shampoos and the metal toothed comb that ripped each hair individually out of our skulls - ugh. *shiver*

One thing that made all the shampooing and combing bearable was Mom would curl our hair afterward. Supposedly it killed the little nasties. It seemed to work.... or at least, it made the chemicaling and ripping-out seem not so bad! And just think, I'm still here to tell about it, no nerve damage or anything.

Mom still freaks out if we just mention lice - 15 years later!

[melissaS]

Has anyone heard that the heat of a curling iron (I don't even own one....but I'd buy one) or the heat from the blow dryer will kill them?

That's the only reason I can figure I haven't gotten them....yet.

We're stocked with tea tree oil. Suave clarifying shampoo, (for post oil treatment) and yet another homeopathic lice killer (it uses some sodium thing).

Please let this be the end.

[Karen]

God this cracked me up - I'm sorry you have lice but I've been laughing my ass off for the last 5 minutes.

What happened to the Makers Mark? I hope that wasn't used to kill the lice? Better off to shave their heads and drink the bourbon...

[susie]

Oh my God -- I haven't laughed that hard in a long, long time. But I am also scared my son will get these one day as payback for how hard you had me laughing! Hope you are lice free very soon!

[WindyLou]

Ok. Here's the things. The curling iron kills the bug part. Not sure about the nit part. But I must warn you, if the sight of the lice gross you out, the sight of toasted, squooshed lice on your curling iron is going to put you over the edge. (Not that I have ever tried that method before or anything)And by the way, damn you! my head has been itching for 2 days!

[Becka]

My sympathies to you for having to pick the nits - and to your daughter for having to sit patiently while you do so. :^) I remember an awful summer where we (all seven of my siblings) had a case of lice. Mom got desperate - nothing worked to get rid of them - not the chemical bombs, herbal cures, or various condiments applied to the head.

Mom came in one day after adding chemicals to the swimming pool. She diluted the chlorine slightly, then proceeded to pour it - straight - over our heads.

The nits never came back.

[panajane]

Thank you. I now feel like there are critters running around my head.

[kalisah]

one good thing - after you've been through all this, you can casually read about other people's lice infestations without scratching your head...

[michelle]

Not sure if your dr. shared this info with you, but #1 - make sure you change your vaccum cleaner bag, #2 - there's a spray you can get to douse all of your mattresses and upholstry that works great, and #3 - take all of the kids stuffed animals, pillows, etc that you don't want to run through the washer and seal them up in plastic garbage bags tightly for 2 weeks.

This is what my babysitter told me a few months ago when one of the kids there showed up with lice. Oh, and we had to wipe down pretty much everything in the house with those clorox wipes - especially toys. I went through like 6,000,000 of thos wipes, but it was worth it.

Of course, I never actually SAW any lice or nits on either of my girls, but I did see Emma scratch her head and it was enough to send me to the store screaming for Rid. Oh, yeah, and make sure you treat yourself and Logan also.

[kt]

mercy. I was a youth director when one night myself and a volunteer decided to do the girl's hair at a late night hang out at someone's house. One of the idiot teen girls had lice, and didn't tell anyone that it had been a year long on-going problem in their house which must have just been a osamabinladen tora bora hideout for nit terrorists, and since we all shared brushes and combs, several of us (but not all) got lice. Including my volunteer's family and young children. I remember driving out of the city with her huge van loaded with all our bedding, stuffed animals, clothing that had not been worn in years, blankets etc. to the laundry mat and drying everything twice etc., and then coming back and picking lice out of my friend's kid's hair and rinsing each other's hair with vinegar and using rid and nix and things like that. a combo of all that (tho i don't think the vinegar did much but smell terrible) got rid of everything within a week of watching and picking. OMG all i have to say is if you read thru the Book of Revelation, God forgot that the only plague to truly unnerve humanity beyond poisoning the watershed with blood and locusts and other things, would be L I C E.

[Kim]

Oh God, lice. Something I'd forgotten about and clearly something that will end up being part of my parenting experience. Thanks for making me remember it in such a laugh-out-loud way. (Oh dear God - lice!!)

[Heather]

I am scratching my head as I read this.......
I have 4 children, 3 of which are girls with hair down to their ass. Needless to say, I was front porch bound, bacardi on the rail, hollering at the girls one by one to SIT STILL! I think after the many years of on again/off again lice treatments (I attribute this to the elementary school) that my girls are more afraid of comming home with lice than they are of me. (Still scratching) Nothing rids lice but patience and picking. Did I mention Bacardi? Dont count this as your last lice adventure either. Murphy's law insists on one more outbreak before she attends college........

[Krystal]

I know what you are goin through my 3year old got the critters from day care we cant get rid of it and now everyone in the house has it!But needless to say reading some of this has helped me now I'm gonna try sme of these treatments.

[Kamknauss]

I have 4 daughters and have had a lice outbreak recently. We had it a couple of years ago and I learned the hard way that if you have resistant lice, nothing works, even the prescription stuff from the Doc. Now I follow this great website's schedule, which tracks the breeding habits of lice and tells you what days to comb and pick and which days to rest and not worry about it. It always gets rid of them quickly with no chemicals, no tearing the house apart washing and spraying. Of course, I do vacuum every one of their heads with the attachment just for fun. I figure if it works for the couch..

[Priscilla]

http://www.expressgroup.co.nz/shop/product-g66-493805-robi-comb-pro-electronic-lice-comb.htm
(we live in New Zealand - not sure if these are avaliable in America - but surely if not this particular product there would be something similar on the market)

This is what we used - very effective and chemical free, also the tee tree shampoo is great for keeping them away..........I so don't envy you!! Just reading about poor Madison's nasty little pals is making me itch!

[grandma]

We have mutant lice Cannot seem to find origin Keeps repeating itself Need help... only serious postings would be kindly appreciated .

[Mystarrrs]

I am now in my 3rd month of Lice Hell. Actually, I don't even think Hell itself would be this bad. My 13 yr old brought the little shits home via first class- her head. I soon there after was inducted into her misery. My two boys after seein me kick,scream,rant,rave,cry,and tear her head apart eagerly raised their hands as I gave them the option to shave their beautiful long curly little skater boy hair. My daughter and I who HAD shoulder length hair, cut it extremely short after the 2nd month came and went and every OTC bullshit medication and home remedy failed. Third month now, short pixie hair-doos AND I'm still finding nits and shit. We now have been taking Garlic pills 3000 mg daily for almost 4 weeks now, and I cook everything with garlic now, even fuckin cake!No really, not cake, but you get the jist of it-I cook abundantly with it and eat the pills like they are skittles because apparently they don't like it when it's in your blood-fact.Thank god we are italian! I will say the sight of nitz and symptoms have died down-just not completely.I am now considering shaving our heads to be done with this once and for all.I'm serious. I can't do the 3-24 hour saran wrapped heads filled with condiment recipes and concoctions anymore. I can't stand using that comb and skinning our scalps till theyre raw anymore. I can't stand washing the beautiful bedding I just indulged in before this nightmare-because the fuckin print is now coming off?! I can't stand vacumming my fuckin mattress and even goin as far as lockin her out of her room for days in hopes that whatevers mutating in there, can't because they lack her lucsious scalp and blood. I've colored and bleached our hair in hopes to have knock the fuckers off.On a good note between the Olive oil soaks and Mayo, my hair has never been so fuckin soft. BUT I DON'T WANT SOFT HAIR....I want and need for these bugs to be GONE...since my sanity is on its way out!I am at a loss.I am beyond embarrased. And I will never understand how the fuck they can out a man on the moon and make tons of steel fly through our skies-but yet........they can't kill a fuckin tiny egg glued to your fuckin hair.
PS I heard of two antibiotics that have the same effect as garlic that I asked my doctor to prescribe. Still waiting to hear back from him. Feel free to email me on this if you have any ideas...Mystarrrs@nc.rr.com