The Post Where I Only Link To MOMS Club® Once.

We're going out tonight to The Bosco. (I hope they don't get angry with me for sending traffic to their site! AHHHHHHH!

I think The Bosco is Metrosexual Headquarters because Logan has been there several times and I've yet to go there. But I'm going tonight and I'm putting on my dancing shoes on, you know, the ones I wore to party like it was 1999. Literally.

I'm going to talk and drink and dance and I'm going to try really hard not to give my friends impromptu lice checks. Because it's way too dark to do that at a bar. Given the right lighting though, I think I might do it.

I've been picking nits from Madison's hair for so many days straight now I'm starting to dream about them. It's like a video game trying to find the tiny nits on her hairs. A really shitty video game that's no fun at all, but still. As I fall asleep at night I think about all the places the fuckers are hiding. I think about my laundry plan of action for the morning. I plan my treatment strategy as I have tiny anxiety attacks late into the night.

"Okay, tomorrow morning I'll go through her hair first thing. Then depending on the results, I'll try [fill in latest treatment item on list...don't worry no agent orange]. Then I'll wash her hair with the new tea tree oil shampoo. Then I'll blow it dry. Then I'll use that new curling iron I bought to fry thos little fuckers."

Someone in the comments suggested I might be totally repulsed by the sight of fried lice on a curling iron. When I read that I had no sense of disgust at that thought. I'm so beyond repulsion. I'm angry at the bugs and I would enjoy watching them be fried to death by a curling iron. In fact, I think that kind of death is too good for them. I'd like to see them attend a playgroup where someone goes on and on about breastfeeding and how great it is and how could you not do it....and it never ends because that's the kind of endless torture I would only wish upon my worst enemy and the lice are my worst enemy.

During the day as Madison plays around the house I find myself hallucinating the bugs. The bugs are waving. I hear them laughing. As she shakes her head or gets a lethal tendril near Max's bug free head I feel a sense of urgency and I want to scream, "For God's SAKE! Don't let your hair touch anything!!!!!"

It takes all my strength not to put a big cone around her neck.

I escaped the house today for the coffee shop, but still all I can think about is each of those little hairs on her head and the tiny nits on her follicles. And how I must get them off now. I'm about to head home and when I get there Madison will be very sad to see me because we're on a serious 1.5-2 hour nit check 3 times a day. That's a lot of hours she has to sit still and she's been so patient about it. Santa should bring her that trip to DisneyWorld (Nope, no permission!) but instead he's bringing her a cd player for her room. And a sleigh full of olive oil.

Madison is so eager to be through this yesterday she asked me why all her stuffed animals were bagged up in the garage and why her rug was hanging outside on the porch railing and I said, "The bugs don't like the cold so we're leaving all that stuff outside until the bugs die."

And she said, "Maybe I should stay outside until all the bugs are gone."

I love every louse infested hair on her sweet little head.

And, I'm sure she'll have a lovely Christmas in that tent out in the yard.

Comments

[Robert]

If I threaten to sue you for something retarded, will you link to my site daily for a month? Please?

Keep up the good fight. I'm not sure which is worse, the moms or the lice.

[prettierthanme]

I can't be the only one who thinks you should start to listen to M*Ms Cl*b every time you type "nits", can I?

[Dana]

Poor little Madison...

And I used to have a black cat named Bosco. No idea how we ever thought of that name.

[DaFFy]

The video game analogy was interesting. Now I have an image of you going through Madson's hair like a crazed Pac Man (or Miss Pac Man)
Have a great night out - you sure deserve one.

[Andi]

I'm dying from the thought of the little lice being tortured to death by breastfeeding conversation!

[Karen]

OH, poor you -- you definitely deserve a night out! I hope you've squashed your last nit.

[Heatheranne]

OK. This has nothing to do with your post, but I had to tell you this.

My husband and I were in a flea market the other day and I swear to you that I saw a chia pet choppable!! I saw its face and asked my hubby what that is because I remembered your pictures and he told me it was an old chia pet. Too funny. You really need one of those!

[Sue from Ohio]

I have never eblonged to a Moms club group but the playgroup I started sounds about the same...and there are only about 5 Mom's in it at once...needless to say, I'm letting it fizzle out.

The lice thing SUCKS! I am so sorry for you AND Madison. My friend, who is a teacher, has the fear of touching her kids because of the wild lice running ramanpt in her school. They actually have a lady called, 'Lice Police'..to check the kids. I know you will overcome but have a few drinks to 'wash that lice right out of your hair...' Well Madison's anyway :( Merry Merry!

[P. Melissa]

What a relief to find someone as obsessed about the buggers as I am! Today it's -17C outside. What's the first thing I think of? Taking my daughter outside to play so the freaking lice will freeze their asses off! And now I am paranoid. I did the two hour olive oil soak yesterday, picked and pulled out the corpses and nits, and today.....no lice. Wha?, I said, no lice? Cannot be. Not a chance. They've obviously built secret forts and are hiding there laughing at me. I hear them. I swear I do.

[ann]

random responses:
1. a very good girlfriend of mine told that apparently nits/lice like really clean hair, so she had taken to only washing her daughter's hair every 3rd day instead of every night. not that she's talked to the nits, she's heard this from someone else who's dealt with them. not sure why i'm telling you this, oh, right, just so after this nit affair is over, you don't go hair washing crazy, since that seems to backfire.
2. we got in the mail yesterday a christmas "missive" from a girl we went to college with and in it she proudly states that she is the president of her local MOMS club. i found that quite entertaining. (note the use of "went to college with" as opposed to "were friends with in college").
hope you had a great night out last night. you so deserve it.

[janet]

This is where we spent our summer vacation:

http://www.hairfairies.com/

I have no extended family to come pick the nits, and after three weeks of picking every damn day I gave in and called Hair Fairies. We drove to West Hollywood two or three times a week. The infestation was truly awful.

What really drove me nuts was all the conflicting theories on de-lousing. Because it's all I could talk about to anyone who would stand still, and everyone has a personal lice story. I did what the Fairies told me, though because of the lice-free guarantee. And we did have to go back for free treatments.

I feel this pain, with an especially nasty sting.

[MollieBee]

Dude. The Hair Fairies? I thought you were joking Janet, but it's true. What is up with the cartoon kids on their homepage? Do the Hair Fairy products make you high or what? I got to get me some of that!

;)

[mamaloo]

Hnmmmmm, maybe DIET COKE will kill the lice??

[emily]

There was a notice posted at Seth's preschool about lice.We haven't seen any yet,but I'm sure it's just a matter of time.Joy.

[RockStar Mommy]

Hysterical, I just posted about having Santa on speed dial, then I come here and see your banner! Classic.

Good luck with those little critters.

[Pink Sun Drops]

Hello to a lovely maiden. So sorry you are having to deal with that yukky issue!

[Mieke]

I thought one hit of Quell shampoo and all was ok. I think that's what happened when we had lice in 7th grade. One wash and hot water for bedding and we were done. Is that a fantasy in my head?

It sounds like you are going through a lot more.

[Michele]

Oh, I never get to belong to a Mommy's group...they have this itty bitty issue with the fact that i have no children. How fair is that?

I followed a link on Pink poppy's post about wonderful "mommy blogs" and have discovered she was right....each has been wonderful including yours.

Now I am off to see what other groups I cannot join.

Thank you for the lovely visit.

[Phil]

Sometimes it's easier if you don't think of it as a cone, but rather an "Edwardian collar".

[Crystal]

I don't remember it being that hard to get rid of the damn lice when i was a kid. Have they mutated into SuperLice that are resistant to treatment?? Maybe not Diet Coke as someone suggested, but regular Coke. If it takes off battery corrosion maybe it will kill the damn things!! BTW, my daughter is named Madison, too... and we call her Maddie. Love your site!!

[jessteronimo]

I now have visions of parents everywhere painstakingly picking lice and nits out of their tortured children's hair, just like my husband and I have done all year long. You feel ashamed, like you did something wrong, and go into a kind of forced quarantine. What burns my hide is that I know it's not our house that is causing the infestations. We're on year-round school, and when our children are off-track, the lice go away after a couple of days of frantic "nitpicking" (never knew where that word came from until I read the Hair Fairies site). But as soon as they start school again, another breakout ensues. We're actually considering moving to another school district to escape this cycle, it's so horrific! I feel your pain, Melissa.

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