I wonder if I can get that chicken out of the trash.

God, in all His infinite wisdom, knew I would have a mini crisis just as the new year started and He also knew everytime I touched the internet I would spread doom and gloom and 'Whoa-Is-Me-ness' and He didn't want that.

However, I'm at the coffee shop now (not stealing 'Nathan's Network' or the one outside I guess Brad's house called 'Brad!' or the one I felt most comfortable stealing 'Moms Network'....because if she's a mother I'm sure she'd understand my depravity.)

I have just one nice thing to say and I'm putting it up here. I'm nominated for a BoB Award and that's neat-o. I didn't want to post about it because I'm not nominated in the Blog Whore category. But then I didn't want to seem ungrateful. And still I'm having a hard time getting very excited about anything right now. So the fact that there is any happiness in this post is really a miracle.

I realize things could always be worse. I could have family or friends who were killed in a totally incomprehensibly horrific tsunami. I am very blessed in so many ways which have nothing to do with money, career success, marketable skills or lice killing. I am not at all blessed in any of those areas. However, I am so lucky this is the worst thing I'm dealing with. I know that so PUH LEEZE just let my blog be a gray and gloomy place for a while until I pick myself back up.

Now, onto the shitty parts. Note I say Parts, because I am in full 'This is the Suckiest Suck That Ever Sucked' mode and believe me Logan's suffered enough.

Sample conversation:

Me: "This salmon is so good thanks for making it. You're an excellent cook. Hm...there's another marketable skill for you. What is that now? Seven for Logan, none for Melissa?" ((((Sobbing follows))))
Him: "Uh......"

So yes, you can imagine how nice this is for him and I'm sorry Internet it's your turn to listen now.

Okay so I lost the job I wanted. Yes it was a File Clerk job and it's very nice of you all to tell me I'm above that but I'm not. I wanted a job with morning to early afternoon hours. With little to no contact with the public. I wanted a certain amount of money. This job had all of that. Max would enjoy daycare, Maddie would be at school with no Delinquency 101 class after school (also known as Latch Key). Most importantly it would provide a regular paycheck to pad our flailing budget each month.

Though menial and silly it fit into my needs for now quite well. Gone!

Then there was the very important thing I couldn't talk about back in December...but I asked for all the good luck you could spare for my husband because this thing would change our lives and make my need/desire for a job, any job, a much less desperate search.

The very important thing happened to be a huge promotion Logan was up for with two other people. We went to a party at the potential boss's house and though I didn't have new shoes I was very charming and witty and I didn't drink too much. Though I did ask the Boss Of Everything if he cuddled with another man on a flight. Perhaps that did it.

The position has been eliminated entirely.....that dream is now shattered too.

When that position was eliminated I kept myself upbeat thinking that I would be getting this job I lost on the last day of 2004. I felt quite confident at least one good thing would happen and 2005 would start with us on our way to our financial goals.

But wait it gets better. So much better but I have to write it quick because I have to go back home and paint my daughter's hair in olive oil.

That's right, the lice are back. They were gone. After 5 different treatments, I had them all. I am positive about this fact. But today I did another inspection and found five more eggs.

Which is perfect since school starts back up tomorrow and Maddie missed the entire week before break started so she hasn't been at school for 3 weeks.

Thank God I'm on medication because I am so incredibly deflated if it weren't for the medication coursing through my blood right now I would be nothing but a pool of nothingness on the ground and unfortunately, that isn't a marketable skill either.

Before my job interview last week I met my sister for lunch. We ate thai food and I had chicken satay in spicy peanut sauce. I ate four of the five pieces of satay but Damn My Stomach To Hell, I just couldn't fit the last one in.

As our waiter removed my plate he said, "In Thailand we always say the last satay is lucky. The girl who eats it will have great luck. A most handsome boyfriend maybe...."

And I thought to myself, I'm married to the former Mr Rock and Roll Hair I don't need a boyfriend! Looking back though from this deflated place I'm sitting in, maybe it would have been wise to ask for the last piece of satay in a carry out box labeled:

"In Case Of Emergency"

Comments

[sarah]

Melissa,
I am so sorry all of these sucky things have happened. And furthermore, WTF with the lice? Haven't they tormented you enough?

Sarah

[slurpee]

good luck! i voted. :)

[trudie]

LET IT ALL OUT. (and don't apologize for it, either...) that's what we're here for! i am in a very similar situtation, minus lice (knocking on wood...)--i am by no means glad that these sorts of things happen to other people, but it does help to know that i am not the only one trying to battle the crap that happens while trying to get past that deflated feeling.

if you lived near me, you could use our network--but if you brought lice in my house, i'd have to kill you...

[Karen]

Oh, man, I'm so sorry. Sucks Sucks Sucks. I hope tomorrow brings a ray of sunshine right to your door.

[Crystal]

Have some chocoalte, or alcohol, or whatever will make you feel better. Feel free to be gloomy, we'll listen. My fingers are crossed that luck changes for you SOON!

[jessteronimo]

I voted for you, Melissa! My sister and I read your blog all the time, and your wit keeps us laughing in tough mommyhood times. I saw that you're at #1 right now, so apparently we're not alone. Regarding the bandwidth expense, ever considered succumbing to selling blog merchandise? I'd buy a mug or T-shirt from you!

[Poppy]

I'm really sorry to hear that so much is in the crapper right now. I won't offer any pithy advice, because I know there is none. Just know that I wish things were going better.

[Lisa]

Damn, Melissa you are a wonderful writer- truly the satay story was really good, and the last line really did pack punch.

I suggest you start sleeping with people. I am thinking of becoming peanut butter legs (spreads easy) to get a decent job. I mean jesus, at this point in my life it's just sex. I have had sex for far less. Unfortunately, there aren't a lot of "casting couches" looking for 41 year old, overweight, mothers of 4 who will only act mildly intetested in whips and chains with a stranger. Alas, it's back to the want ads.

The file clerk job undoubtedly went to someone the person hiring knew. That's what I tell myself.

Lice again? I am so sorry. More sorry than about the job. Would someone please invent a lice vaccine? We would line up in a nano second. Maybe a lice collar...

[Sarcomical]

hey, i know what you mean and i've been there. people as intelligent, witty, and cute as us should have no problems finding work, am i right? i found something, though it was a small-ish something, and it took me almost a year!

you will get it. i know it. we all know it. sucky thing is there's no way to control when it will happen for you. it seems a shame that all your obvious talent and brains are not being put to use somewhere outside your home and blogdom.

have you tried a temp agency? i know it's not the ideal, but that was going to be my next step before i got my job. because they have resources you may not have, and can get you into things that fit your schedule. at least it'd be something to pad your income. and then who knows? maybe you'll meet someone wonderful who will want you full-time desperately.

*sigh* i wish there were more we could do. also? lice are not your fault, you're a good mommy! those sneaky little bastards.

[Mieke]

El Sucko.

Lice be gone!

[coolbeans]

Okay. All of that really, really sucks.

At least you don't have to eat all that mayo now?

[Greg]

Hey, but the BOB thing is good, right? Hey? Hey? Hey.

[antikva]

I know exactly how you feel about the lice. I had thought, quite stupidly as it turns out, that once my youngest daughter reached high school, we would have no more as boys tend not to sit too close together & have shorter hair,right? Nope! wrong. I am about to declare war on my son's lice ridden head, yet again. I use el cheapo conditioner ($2/2litres) and a comb though and do his hair every day until the tissue shows no survivors. Clean the comb after every wipe, I use an old toothbrush and hot water in a container. I let the conditioner stay in for 24 hours sometimes. It works the same way as mayo & olive oil in smothering the little bugs but smells a LOT nicer and makes Mum's hands lovely & soft *G*
So far, after living through 4 kidlets with years of bug warfare, this is the most effective method I have found.
Anyway, I hope this unsolicited advice helps :-)

[Sarah]

You've got my vote! (My unsolicited employment advice to you, that I'm sure you've heard lots before: write a book/some articles/a column. Easier said than done, I know, but the longest journey begins with a single step.) Congratulations. :)

[L]

Hey. Take those lice to a party and get them so plastered that they won't know you've driven them out to a deserted Granite Quarry and left them there and OH MY GOD I THINK THOSE LICE JUST DRUNKENLY TEETERED INTO THE GRANITE QUARRY AND BROKE THEIR NECKS and then everyone will make a pact in the woods never to tell anyone, not even when the news starts showing 24/7 coverage. "LOST LICE CAUSE CONCERN?"

You are so many good adjectives, Melissa. So many adjectives, and one day they will all be used on a book jacket, a teleprompter introduction, or by Conan O'Brien. Until then, just keep showcasing all the reasons those adjectives apply. One day soon an employeer will piss themselves, so happy your application landed in his or her lap, and he or she won't even mind driving home for new pants.

[jenB]

oh Melissa. I am so sorry.

[Red]

I read something last evening that reminded me of you:

The secret to life is not to resist,
But to ride the tide in search of your bliss.
- Michael Dooley

You make a tremendous difference in my life everyday by sharing yourself so openly in the way that you do. I know that won't pay your electric bill, or kill those pesky lice critters - but perhaps (alongs with the other bits of encouragement) it can help you ride your tide until it changes.

[Emily]

Maybe the cat has the lice?lol.
Sorry about the job.I hope 2005 is a much better year for you.Have a stiff drink..it's 5 o'clock somewhere!

[JT]

Ugh, ugh, ugh on your behalf. I second the vote for chocolate and alcohol (hell, make a Godiva martini and kill two birds with one stone). I'm so sorry about the damned job. I have been there more times than I care to remember, and it's equally disheartening every effin' time.

After I got laid off in 2000, I went to work at (unnamed nice housewares retailer) in order to get us health insurance. I took a lot of crap for the first bit, but eventually "drank the water," moved up to Corporate and now have been here for over three years. I have benefits, a paycheck, and a boss who's a single mom so she gets the whole school schedule thing. It's not ideal, and there aren't little girls anywhere pretending their Barbies are JTs, but it pays for childcare. Maybe something like that will help?

Go kill the mother-f*&#ing lice, girl.

[Judy]

Sorry 2005 is starting off so sucky for you! I've decided to give this blog thing another try. Here's my new address:
http://chowgal.blogspot.com

Judy

[JT]

P.S. I voted for you (you're currently dominating your category). I also think you should have takeout containers pre-printed with "In Case of Emergency" and make millions of dollars selling them to Asian restaurants.

[Kismet]

One word for you sister, RID. One application and it is over with. Really, so much less stress than mayo/olive oil/snake oil. I know you have thrown all the pillows, coats, hats, stuffed animals etc in the laundry. But dear, you are making yourself and your family suffer needlessly when this product is so readily available and easy to use.
I have my fingers x'd for you. And I know the job for you is just waiting for your call!
P.S. I voted for you also :)
~Kismet!

[melissaS]

Kismet, I'm going to crush your head like a GRAPE. I TRIED IT I TRIED IT I TRIED IT.

RID, NIX, AGENT ORANGE....ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!

[Liz]

I'm imagining you crushing Kismet's head like on Kids in the Hall - "I'm crushing your head, I'm crushing your head."

[kismet]

I deserved that. :(
~K!

[MollieBee]

I made up a song for you Melissa:

Fucking Lice
Fucking Job
Shitty Shitty Fuck
Motherfucking Fuck
Fuckaloo Fuckalay
I'm having one Shitty Muthafucking day.

Um, it made me feel better anyway.

[Lil' Sis]

Even if MollieBee's song didn't make you happy, Lis, it made me happier.
I told that Chicken Popsicle story just this afternoon.

miao.