In The End This Is For Chauncey

Me to Logan: "What am I going to do without my laptop for two to four weeks?"
Logan to Me: "I don't know....housework?"

What on earth is he implying?

Since we moved into this house nearly 7 years ago, we've been using the same adult beverage store to serve all our beer, wine and liquor needs. Even before we bought this house we used them to supply the drinks for our wedding. The store always had a very neighborhood feel to it and the staff was always so nice. So nice in fact that when we had Max we had to take him in to introduce him to all our friends at the beer store. That's classy.

Also, they had every single kind of beer you can imagine and Bell's was always just 6.99 a six pack.

Little known fact! Any where you slap a condo down, people will live there. Next to the railroad tracks! Fine! Even if it costs half a million dollars. On a busy intersection in a non picturesque neighborhood? Where do I sign?

That's fine for me, considering this is my neighborhood and if you want to spend half a million dollars to live here, then I have a bargain of a house for you. Mine! But then I learned they'd be building one of the condo developments where my beloved beer store is. How can I be white trash if I don't load up the radio flyer cargo wagon with kids and a couple of six packs of Bell's every Friday all summer?

I was feeling a little sad about the impending closing of the beer store and as the cashier rang up my order I said, sadly, "I'm going to miss this store so much. What am I going to do without you guys right around the corner?"

She answered, helpfully, "I don't know, sober up?"

But she was wrong. Now I just buy in bulk at Costco or I buy from Holiday Market because they never imply I need to sober up. In fact they love my drinking and encourage it and they love me!

What a bitch.

Steve Jobs is all set to babysit tomorrow night and I'm not leaving any beer in the fridge for him (because Lisa warned me below he'll drink you out of house and home). I want to talk about how much I love Apple Customer Service because believe me, if I'd called yesterday and walked away with a broken computer and yet another repair...oh you'd hear about it. For months.

So, it's only fair I tell you about how awesome Apple was to me.

I gathered all my repair numbers and receipts and all the things I'd say to them and since I have that pesky phone phobia I wrote it all out, like a script because I am seriously way better in writing than I am actually speaking with my vocal chords. I got my Apple representative on the phone and he asked me, "What's going on today?"

I replied, "I'm really angry right now but I know you just answer the phones so I'm trying really hard not to yell at you because it's not YOUR fault my computer is dead for the third time." (not kidding here, I said that.)

He said, "Well thank you for doing that....."

Then we went through a dog and pony show to prove to him that my computer really wasn't working. For example, he made me get my power cord and plug it in while we attempted to start the machine. Which, actually? Wasn't a bad idea since a couple of weeks ago I flew into a rage when my computer wouldn't 'wake up' out of sleep mode and Logan said, "Do you need to plug it in?" and God FUCKING DAMN IT. It worked. He's a robot.

One of the 'tricks' David and I did together involved hitting the power on button and then, we counted together. He told me to count, "one one thousand, two one thousand". But I told him I really preferred, "One mississippi, two mississippi." So we did that. Then we held down several buttons on the keyboard at once and I'm sure he thought I was retarded since I have a lot going on while I'm on the phone.

I'm putting videos in and cooking lunch and running the dishwasher and folding laundry and updating my website, while I'm on the phone. It's hard to listen to specific instructions when all your limbs are doing something else.

He determined my computer was actually broken and transferred me to a 'Specialist'.

I mentioned I had a script and part of the script was getting me connected to a specialist....so that section I had to skip right over since he just put me through without any begging or sexual favors.

The specialist got on the phone and said, "I hear your iBook has been giving you a lot of trouble."

I said, "Don't mess with me fucker."

He said, "What can we do for you?"

I said (from my script), "I've had this computer fixed 3 times already and it keeps dying and sending this machine in for another repair is totally unacceptable to me." (the 'totally unacceptable' part? I said in the bathroom mirror 15 times before I called. Phone phobia is so ugly.)

I had 3 paragraphs written in the script of explanation of what I'd already been through and why this was totally unacceptable, but before I could get to that, he said:

"I totally agree."

And my laptop opened up and a bright light came forth and from that light came, my comfort, my savior, our babysitter...Steve Jobs.

He asked, "What would you like to do now?"

And I, from my script (I had to skip right to page two because this was so fucking easy!) said, "I feel my computer should be replaced and I feel I should be compensated for my trouble. I'd like, [totally ridiculous new computer which is way better than what I had]. Also, $100 in iTunes and I'd really like it if you told Steve Wozniak to stop riding around on that stupid Segway.

He said no to the Segway issue, and the iTunes thing and really even the computer I asked for. However, since I asked for way more than I was willing to settle for, I'm extremely happy with the new computer which will be heading my way very soon if the data back up goes as planned on Sunday afternoon.

The funny part is, how my Specialist kept apologizing to me for not being able to get me exactly what I wanted but little did he know...if he put a cd burner in a hamster powered IIsi** I would have been pretty fucking happy because this means Logan can no longer berate me for not only making a terrible choice in purchasing a large piece of computer equipment without his input, but also leaving out the stupid cd burner.

Here's a double bottom line:

A) Apple still rules and I don't care what you say. I love them and will remain forever loyal and when we save our pennies to buy a Mac Mini, we'll be co sleeping and we didn't even co sleep with our actual children.

B) Am I crazy to be kind of sexually aroused by Steve Jobs? I was joking at first but then I searched for a picture of him and now I'm a little smitten. The The Young Steve? No. Salt and Pepper Steve? I kind of want to co sleep with him and the mac mini.

Note: He wears small glasses, like Logan. He is also salt and pepper with a little extra salt....like my hot husband. Except he has a lot less hair, unfortunately***.

Mystery solved, I love Apple because I love Logan.

**Logan bought a IIsi just out of college in 1991 (the hair picture is his college graduation picture...thank God he's so hot now. Jesus.) for.....THREE THOUSAND DOLLARS! The Mac Mini is $700 with exactly what we need. If my father, who was alive when a computer took up an entire floor of a building, could see the Mac Mini he would pass out with this information.

***I only bring up The Hair for Mr Byrne who is expecting his first child, Chauncey, in just about 26 weeks. He's hoping his baby is born with a full head of Rock and Roll hair.

Comments

[jenB]

did you see the movie where noah wyle played steve and anthony michael hall was in it? i could look it up, on imdb... anyhow. i like to imagine that steve = noah. i would totally co sleep with noah wyle and my mac se that i bought my first year of university in 1987!

p.s. i love you more than i love apple

[DavidS]

From your description of what is happening when you turn the computer on in your previous post, I don't think you will be able to get to your data with the hard drive still in the iBook. I could be wrong. I am not a Mac expert; all of my Mac experience comes from supporting my wife's. If it turns out that you can't get the data with your iBook in its current state, I am guessing that your best bet for getting the data backed up would be to:

1) remove the hard drive from your iBook.
2) hook it to a notebook hard drive enclosure like this one. If you get this one, make sure you select the USB + Firewire one by using the drop-down at the bottom of the page.
3) Connect the hard drive in the enclosure via USB or Firewire to another Mac or a PC that can read the drive. I had to have MacOpener loaded on my PC to read my wife's Mac formatted drive. (If you will have your new iBook before you have to ship your old one back, you could copy the data from the old drive directly to the new iBook and skip the rest.)
4) Copy the data that you want over to the other computer.
5) Once your new computer comes, copy the data back from the second computer by network, burning CDs or using the enclosure again.

Hope this helps. I know how frustrating it is being without your computer! Added bonus, once you have the enclosure, all you would have to do once this is all done with is add a new blank hard drive to it and you would have somewhere to do backups to. Feel free to email me if you have questions.

Good luck!

[Candace]

I am a fairly new reader...and just figured out that you live like 2 minutes from me. I shop at Holiday Market. I buy wine and beer from them. No hints of alcoholism from them at all. Are you shoveling yourself out of the eleventy hundred inches of snow yet?
I am in the process of filing a claim for my POS Toshiba laptop...class action law suit and everything for this bitch. Thinking of an ibook...you are helping to convert me. Steve Jobs thanks you and will be available to babysit again after I make my purchase.

[Jennifer]

I am so glad you an a good apple call center experience. My husband works for them in Austin. I hear some of the craziest stories.

PS....I have a 12" power book in my co-sleeper.

[Mir]

But, I love Apple... does that mean I love Logan?

Also, I am now nostalgic for my kick-ass Mac Plus with TWO (count 'em, TWO) floppy drives that I had in college.

[briantologist]

Logan in '91 = ROCK GOD. Cooler, in his own way, than Steve Jobs. And considering the depths of my Mac fanaticism, I don't say this lightly.

[tracy]

I think glasses and salt-and-pepper hair are the sexiest things on earth. Seriously. Good thing I'm married to them.

Also, I'm jealous you could take baby Max to the liquor store. In my state, it's illegal for *anyone* under 21, even babes-in-arms, to enter a liquor store. As I discovered the first time I tried to buy wine after my daughter was born. Go to a grocery store, you say? They can't carry anything but malt beverages and 3.2 beer.

[Robert]

Between work and home, I have four Apples and an Airport unit. I will NEVER use a windows machine again.

I know this sounds cruel, but I'm disappointed in a way that you're getting a new iBook. It will deprive us of future blog entries when your lemon crashes.

Not that I'm deriving pleasure from your pain or anything. That would just be wrong.

[Sarah]

Hi, Melissa. I don't think I've ever left a comment on your website before, mostly because I haven't had anything to say before. However, I have got to tell you that this last entry just about made me lose a little bladder control. You've been funny before, of course, but this time I was reading your post out loud to my huband (a big apple fan) and I could barely read it I was laughing so hard. You've got to be one of the funniest women writers I've read, and that's saying a lot.

[Lil' Sis]

Ha, Robert! You should know by now that Lis can ALWAYS find something to bitch about!

I proposed marriage to Holiday Market on Wednesday because they started carrying the world's greatest gluten-free donuts, and gluten-free pizza and lasagne to boot. I've spent the past couple days rolling around naked in piles of gluten-free "delicacies" that I have not had in years. My normally tolerant roomate is getting rather disturbed. My cat, on the other hand, is having a ball with it.
And it looks like that's all I will be doing until spring thaw, now that God decided to dump 4 tons of snow on my car and didn't see fit to bless me with a shovel. Because that's God's job, right? I can't be expected to think of EVERYTHING...

miao.

[Lil' Sis]

PS- we went into the studio last week and there's a song up on the website... Troy's kind of dumb, so it's a huge file, but oh well...

http://www.witchesonparade.com/stepsisters.html

I don't make links. You gotta work for it.

miao.

[Lisa]

Does the snarky cashier have a blog? 'Cause I'm thinkin' she may be funny.

[Rachel]

Phone phobia! Sucks, don't it? I can't even tell you how much I identify. I put off calls like that for WEEKS, until my husband gets mad at me, and then I write down my notes, have an anxiety attack, and sweat through the entire call. I commend you. Want to call Verizon for me?

[Kel]

CostCo has very inflated alcohol costs. I think it's how they make up for the other stuff that's cheaper. Really.

Kel

[Greg]

You must have found the 'Employment Opportunities' link on the Bell's site just a little titillating. The thought of you working for a brewery reminds of the Cheers episode when Norm got his dream job at the brewery. Also, they must offer an employee discount.

[maurinsky]

My husband goes to the package store (the quaint New England name for the place to buy booze) once or twice a month, and he always brings our daughter with him. She calls it the bottle shop, and everytime she goes, they give her candy.