My Son's Oral Fixation, Conquered (For Now Anyway).

Have I ever led you to believe I'm a calm and rational woman who is not easily flustered by the day to day grind of parenting?

Because if I did I'm terribly sorry. I am not at all calm or rational or even slightly sane. I am nothing but a flailing mentally unstable infant!

I don't really know why I bring this up right now, but I was thinking how I always totally fall off the deep end every time we experience a minor 'crisis' in this home. Potty training. I nearly died and you got to hear all about every moment of my come apart. The Big Deal. I'm not allowed to talk about, but it's going better and I've calmed down, mostly. Lice. Supreme freak out. I didn't shower for at least 3 days and roamed the drugstore aisles like a crazed lunatic. Loss of internet connection for a week. Meltdown! Meltdown! Meltdown!

I have a confession. Max will be 4 in March and he still had a pacifier. I know, I know. I can't believe it either. My 'I'd NEVER List' started out pretty short because many years ago a new mother said to me, wearily, "Never say never because you never know." It stuck with me and in six years even my short list of 'I'd Never's" has been systematically decimated.

But still, "MY child will never have a binky after age TWO!" stayed on the list, until Max turned two.

But then I had, "MY child will never have a binky after age two....out of his bed! But it will definitely be gone by age THREE!" on the list, until Max turned three.

Since then I've been blaming the Internet for my inability to take the binky away. Remember when that stupid, stupid Heather had the NERVE to think she knew what was best for her child and took the binky away from poor defenseless Leta? Remember how FUCKING PISSED the internet was after that?

I'm being sarcastic because I'm so jealous of Heather's supreme insight to take the binky away. I have been woken up in the night to find lost binkies for nearly four years now and I did it to myself. Jackass.

But really I sort of like it when the internet is pissed at me and throws insults I can't even understand at me, like, "Stupid Reatarded Bitch." I don't even know what reatarded is!

The truth is, I love my quiet time after the kids go to bed and I knew when we got rid of the binky I'd head back into Flailing Infantile Crisis Mode and since Lice Fest 2004 was just a few weeks ago, I don't think anyone is ready for that. Even you Internet, and you have it easy. Thank your lucky stars I don't have your phone number and this raging case of phone phobia because believe me the people I know have gotten some pretty obnoxious sobbing phone calls from me during various 'Crisis'.

I don't handle crying bedtimes very well. I like to read a short book, give a kiss, shut the door and go have a cocktail! I don't have time for tears at bedtime.

But then the binky's got impossibly disgusting. Also, Max got a big boy bed last week! In the past I could lift his toddler bed in the dark, with one hand, without my glasses and find the binky in seconds. With the big, heavy, (awesome) metal bed he has now (which Logan picked from the trash and stripped of all paint and sealed all the raw rusty metal.....Fuck, another thing he can do) I can't lift it without peeing my pants a little and bashing my skull with the side rails. It got really hard to convince myself that letting him keep his binky was easier than getting rid of it.

Also, I don't admit this very often. I have a soft spot in my heart for my children and the thought of taking away something which gave my sweet baby boy so much comfort and happiness, made me feel a little mean.

How would I feel if someone came and took away my cocktail hour? What if someone one day told me no more Text Twist? I'd be pretty pissed.

We put it off for almost two months. We had sitters coming over and we weren't going to leave an inconsolable (and also bi polar) 3 year old with an unwitting caregiver. We had friends without children coming over to our house for adult interaction and we didn't want Max screaming over the music and rendering our friends sterile with his unending wails for 'THE GOD DAMN BINKY!'

I built it up in my head and I pictured a detox period of weeks at least. Of cries and no sleep and screaming bedtimes and hell on earth.

Last Saturday we said we needed to send our binkies to our friend's baby, Mary. (She's so cute, I'm not even going to show you a picture because the Internet will then DEMAND she start her own blog.) We packed them up in a box and sent them C/O The Royal Oak Refuse Collection Department! Don't tell Max that part please.

Let me tell you about the first night.

Not. A. Single. Peep.

Not a word about the binky for 5 days. Then on the fifth night as I put him to bed he said, "I really miss my binky."

And I said, "I know. I bet Mary is really loving them because she's a baby and baby's need binkies."

He said, "Yeah."

The End.

Now, imagine how boring this blog would be if I didn't lose my mind anytime something even remotely challenging happened. Mental stability is so...boring.

Comments

[Lisa]

The binks.Best. Thing. Ever. My oldest had one until she was 2. We weaned her at one but caved after a week. When she was 2 she lost it one night before bed. I told her I couldn't find it and would get her a new one in the morning.

The next day she told her babysitter, "The bink runned away to Taco Bell." She never asked for it again. When we would pass a Taco Bell for about a year we would have to wave to the binky.

I never would have had the guts to take it from her. It kept her quiet, sane and content. She is wearing braces now. Shit.

[Kristin]

When I was little, I loved my blankie. LOVED. MY. BLANKIE. Which was actually just three shreds of dirty cloth by the time I was done with it. My parents told me that they had to give my blankie to the Cabbage Patch because babies need blankies. So I gave up the blankie and I got a Cabbage Patch Kid. But I also thought the Cabbage Patch was in our basement for, like...okay, I still do.

[blackbird]

Maybe it's a "when the time is right it will work out okay" kinda moment. So. The time musta been right. Just be happy (if possible) that it wasn't his thumb. Sucky thumb is hard, very hard to do away with.

[Heatheranne]

I do that all the time. I get so worked up about things, then they turn out to be nothing then I get really pissed because other people say "I told you."

You're right. Sane is boring.

[AMG]

The end of that story is so true and so insightful! If you don't make a big deal of it, neither will the children. It's that way with everything: hearing the "f" word come out of their mouth, finding them playing doctor with the neighbor, falling down and scraping their knees...most kids don't flip out until they see their parents do it.

AMG
www.anonymousmidwestgirl.blogspot.com

[MamaPajama]

On my list: No child of mine will ever suck her thumb or drag around a grubby blankie!!

My daughter started sucking her thumb when colic set in, and I would have given her a bottle of scotch or street drugs if she would stop crying. The thumb stayed until age 8 when a retainer made it difficult to suck. The blankie only stayed until age 6 when she forgot it while visiting auntie.

[Laura]

Reatarded is when you get atarded all over again.

[Cheryl]

Don't feel bad - my oldest son had a pacifier until he was almost four (and he didn't just need it when he was in bed). He's a perfectly well adjusted ten year old now - despite my grandmother's warnings that the seemingly constant need for his pacifier would somehow render him retarded.

[Pam]

Just checking in to report I have a 14 year old son (he wears size 12 sneakers) still sleeping with his binkie and a daughter with more facial piercings than I can count (she's 19 and lives on her own - I told her she couldn't get pierced until she moved out... ha! She got me on that one) and she is still sleeping with her binky. I'm glad it went well with Max and the removal. I expect my kids will take them to their respective marriage beds.

[e]

raising my hand to say me too! both girls had their pacifiers til age 4. one gave it up easily, one was terribly sad. Both broke my heart and amazingly enough both survived with minimal scarring. One is fairly normal, the other a complete and total freak. Not unlike their parents ;-)

[amy]

Oh man I remember those nights... My son would have 5 or so 'suckies' in his crib yet without fail at least 3 times I would find myself ass up, in the dark under his crib searching. He finally kicked the habit at 4.5 when his twin sisters arrived and he was caught too many times stealing THEIR suckies. Imagine if you will your little son WAKING UP THE TWINS WHEN THEY WERE SLEEPING. Unforgivable. The suckies went bye bye.

You are too funny :) Really enjoying your blog!

[Sara]

What a great ending! Amazingly, our 8-month-old never liked a pacifier, she wanted one of our pinkies (which had it's own drawbacks.. and I sucked my thumb until I was 12, so we aren't out of the woods just yet.). But I wanted to say that it sounds like you waited until the perfect time -- so, even though I kindasorta missed the freakout part... we'll always have lice!
I really enjoy your blog and hope you are able to find a part time job soon. I have one and I know it saves my sanity.

[Erin]

My friend just started the de-binky process for her two year old son (we call binkies "chews" around these parts, though.) She cut the tips off of all of them and now he just throws them across the room while saying "chews broked." He spent some time with grandma (who also "broked" the chews) and had to talk to his mom on the phone to tell her to get more chews. Whenever she makes the grocery list, he tugs at her shirt and says "chews please."

It's going a little easier for them than bottle-weaning, which consisted of her son screaming "BA BA NOW!" and hurling his sippy cup at the head of the nearest adult.

[Jerri Ann]

I have one thought on this matter:

When *the time is right* and not until *the time is right* we can give it to the *new baby* (like you) or trade it at walmart for a toy, or give it to Santa for his new baby reindeer or the Easter bunny or what have you, AND NO ONE WILL DO ANYTHING TO US AS MOMMY'S AND DADDY'S (not even you internet). However, if he sucks his thumb (or finger) and we cut it off...WE ARE GOING TO JAIL...STRAIGHT TO JAIL, WE WILL NOT PASS GO AND WE WILL NOT COLLECT ANYTHING BUT MORE JAIL TIME! Therefore, suck on the puck as long as you like sweet boy. (FYI, my father-in-law is into hockey....thus our son takes a pucky instead of a binky or whatever). Take the pucky boy...for now just at bedtime or naptime but if we go out and about, he puts it in the pocket of his jeans until he needs it...no lie!

Jerri Ann
www.walkertown.squarespace.com

[Erica]

I totally hear you on the binky thing!
My four year old had one until just about 6 months ago. I decided that if he would just give up the binky without a fight, I would buy him *ANYTHING HE WANTS* at Target.

So, we go there and I've hyped it up and he knows that it's goodbye binky........we talked a lot about it. And then he picks a baby doll. We go to Target where there are allll sorts of toys and my son wants nothing more than a $15 baby doll.
The new addition to our family is named Cosmo. :-)
Yes, we do get strange looks when a 4 year old boy in a skateboarding shirt and baseball cap walks in with a babydoll.

Oh, and like Max, Eli was totaly cool about giving up the binky.

[:: jozjozjoz ::]

Binkies are the bestest!

[Rwb]

My 2 year old still uses his paci. My mother in law has told me for the last two years that he's going to end up not talking, retarded, and a social reject, and it is all my fault because I let him use a paci. I think when she comes to visit next weekend I will have a paci in my mouth the entire time.
Glad the transition went so smoothly. I liked the "baby needs them" idea -- may steal that one!

[Mir]

Amazing. Don't worry... as parents, three things are certain: death, taxes, and the next freak-out is just down the road. ;)

[Laurie from Maryland]

I have been reading your blog for a long time now, and I just had to post for the first time. You make me laugh so hard that I have tears running down my face! Don't ever stop writing this blog . . . you are the best!

[Jenny from Hershey]

We had a "going away" party for our binky when my daughter was 4 years old. In desperation I used all of our left-over party plates and decorations to set the party mood. So Barney, Lampchop and Elmo all attended this party with cake....maybe Logan can make a pacifier cake?...and we wrapped it in left-over holiday paper and mailed it to a poor child in China! We did great until bedtime when she insisted that I call the post office and get her binky....it was a long night! She turns 15 this Friday and so far has no plans to travel to China!

[hols]

LOL, we had the same problem with our daughter. she loved her binkey, and sucked it every night. when she was two and a half, i was just getting ready to have my son and we thought it was time to say goodbye to the binkey. her papa (daddy) bought her binkey from her for FIVE DOLLARS!! she never had much of a problem afterwards. i thought for sure she was going to want to buy another binkey....but she bought herself a baby instead!
my son?? couldnt get him to take a binkey to save our lives! darn kid, all he wanted to do was eat!
congrats to the 'big boy' for giving it up!

[SuzanH]

My daughter (now 8) gave up her binky pretty easily at around 2 1/2--of course she had her bottle until she was 4. I never would have taken it away from her until she was ready to give it up.

[Heather Deeeee]

i remember babysitting my 3 year old cousin who still had his "suckie". i was so SICK of the thing, that i hid in the the bottom of his mother's blanket box in her bedroom, and told him that he would have to live without it. and he did. he just cried for an hour or so, and by the next day he was over it. i still never confessed to my aunt what i did, but i suppose she must of found it, years later, when they moved. he's now 19 years old, 6'4", and would probabally freak out if i ever told one of his girl friends the story. i'll save it for his wedding day.

[RockStar Mommy]

I took away my daughter's binky at around 5 months old, but she's now turning 2 and she still drinks from the bottle and has a near heart attack if it's out of eye sight. I know this is going to be brutal, but I've got to get rid of the damn things. I'm the same way with bedtime; I have no time for the tears. Taking away the bottle is going to mean weeks upon weeks of bedtime tears.
So, congrats on getting rid of the binky. He did great. And just be thankful that it was a binky, not a bottle. The bottles are so much more God awful to look at dangling out of their little mouths than the binkies!

[tish]

We told the daughter that her "Sassy" was needed by a baby duck at a local park. At 26 months, she flung her sassy into the pond. I may be arrested by Ducks Unlimited at any time.
We avoided Sassies with the boy, and had a much easier time all the way around

[Elizabeth]

I love Text Twist too! Did you know there is a secret to winning it? Maybe you already know the secret, but if you don't, email me and I will tell it to you. :)

[Very Mom]

This? rendering our friends sterile CRACKED ME UP.
Also, you are very, very wise. My mom told me my binkie went bye bye down the drain in the tub. I wept in the bathtub for a month.

[Callie]

I'm really glad everything went so smoothly with the taking away of the binky. I don't have any children myself, however, I had a binky until I was 5. Yes, 5. After numerous middle of the night searches under the bed, my parents tied mine around my neck. My mother was even going to send me to school with it. She saw no reason to take it away from me since, like you said, it obviously gave me so much comfort. In the end, I gave it up on my own, and I am currently a very healthy 24-year-old with a college degree and no signs of mental illness, so trust me, having a binky will not permanently damage your child. No matter what the internet says. :)

[jean]

I go off the deep end at the first signs of a minor crisis, too. You would have found me hiding under some piece of furniture, holding my knees against my chest and rocking back and forth if I had to deal with a "Lice Fest". So far, I haven't had a Lice Fest to deal with, but I have two boys and who knows what they can get themselves into!

[erinire]

good work! My parents, unfortunately, did not do such good work with me, as I sucked my thumb and slept with my blanket until i was, let's see, eleven.

eleven years old.

thousands of dollars of braces later, my teeth are straight and my blanket is tucked safely away in a memory box somewhere, but now instead of sucking my thumb, I smoke cigarettes. :)

[JT]

Oh, what a marvelously happy ending. I'm all verklempt; talk amongst yourselves.

[Lil' Sis]

Did i mention that I still sleep (and travel) with my baby blankie? I'm 27. For the love of god, you did the right thing.

miao.

[Paige]

You are a stronger, better, no doubt infinitely wiser woman than I. Our 3 1/2 year old still uses his "Be-be", every night, and I lack the will to take it away. We've now set ourselves upon the potentially disastrous course of having him give his be-bes away to the new baby, who's coming in March. No doubt this brilliant tactic on our part will lead him to murder her in her sleep to get the damn plastic sucker back....