The Bend Over Basement*

The ceiling in our basement is very very low. I am of average height but if I wear the wrong shoes in the basement (meaning anything other than a thin piece of leather strapped to the soles of my feet) I will slam my head into the upper joists and duct work as I make my way to the laundry room. As you can imagine this makes me love laundry more than I already do, which is a lot.

Another thing that makes me love laundry is the fact that the only point of exit into the sewer system of our house is our laundry tub and about once a year the main drain to the street fills with tree roots (don't tell me to cut down the trees, the big old trees are what makes living in this neighborhood marginally worthwhile) and causes the laundry tub to fill with water of disgusting origin and it often over flows onto the floor. Hearing a gentle waterfall in the basement while I'm doing laundy, a water feature if you will, well you can imagine how giddy with Laundry Delight that makes me!

But what makes me fill with even more lightness and joy is when I tell Logan I set up the plumber to come on Monday which is, for everyone following along at home, the day before the 1st which will mark the end of my bad mood...for a few days anyway. Setting up the plumber and losing $100 literally down the drain isn't the part which fills me up in a joyous way. It's when Logan says, from the phone in the office, "Are you sure we need a plumber?"

And while I'm on the phone looking at the floor of the basement covered in water again and the shop vac full of water from the last over flow and the pieces of mixed vegetables from last night's dinner stuck to the sides of the laundry tub I think, "Gosh, I just don't know. Maybe we don't need a plumber!"

I also think my robotic husband was programmed with a very strong denial mechanism.

*When we moved in someone had built a bar in the deepest darkest bowels of the basement. First of all our basement is perhaps the least pleasant place in the entire state of Michigan. Secondly, were these midget bar hoppers? Because to stand at the bar my six foot tall husband had to keep his head bent over. We took to calling it the Bend Over Bar, which maybe it was. Maybe our dark, dank basement was once the hottest gay bar in Royal Oak! Too bad we tore out the original bar. Maybe we should rebuild.

Comments

[CityMama]

Oh my god. I don't know where you live, but I live in Portland and we have the same basement.

We moved into this house in August. We've had to call a plumber 3 times to unblock our drain/"unflood" our basement.

Since August I had to endure listening to my husband saying how he was going to fix the problem "THIS WEEKEND, I promise."

He went out of town for two weeks and 4 days in, our basement flooded again. WHen this happens I can use the kitchen sink, dishwasher, nor do laundry. I thought about calling him to tell him but decided, "Fuck that." I called a plumbing contractor. They jackhammered up our basement floor and installed a new kitchen line and drain and reconcreted everything over in less than 8 hrs. Now our laundry tub drains in seconds rather than minutes. I rock. Fucking husbands.

[Poppy]

Your basement can't be the most unpleasant place in the state of Michigan. That honor belongs to my in-laws house in Gladstone, where the windows and front door are sealed shut and fish-shaped pillows loiter on the couch where my unbathed father-in-law naps, leaving a greasy father-in-law shaped dent. I've you've got some raw sewage mingling with the old mixed veggies, you might give The Gladstone House of Hell and Stink a run for its money.

And to answer Logan's question, "Fuck yes, you need a plumber!"

[jilbur]

dammit Melissa, this is the second post in a row that beckoned me with promises of porn only to leave me aching with emptiness. You.fuckin.tease

[amy]

OK, what is it about men and plumbers? Is it like admitting to a manly skill they have not mastered? Or the fear of someone who knows far more than them giving them mumbo-jumbo and an inflated bill? My washer needs help and hubby reluctant to call in the big guns.. the plumber.
BTW your basement sounds much scarier than mine, maybe that is why they installed the midget bar?

[Liz]

Damn, I hate it when the shop-vac doesn't get emptied from the previous crisis. We live on the top of a hill and don't get much flooding, but we dry-vac quite a bit. I'll never forget seeing a bit of pink in the discarded dry-vac mess outside, and realized that it was my daughter's bottom retainer.

[amy]

One more... we once lived in a rental that had a beauty shop built into the basement. The room was probably as big as the average small bathroom, done up in 60's pink and lime deco. Still had the supplies, a few dummy heads, and the chair. That room was FREAKY and had hubby promptly board it up when we moved in. Not sure why I am sharing this but thinking now that the midgets that inhabited your basement perhaps then swung by for a cut and color in that equally scary basement. Or heck, probably the wine talking ;)

[Phil]

Yes, you should rebuild the bar. Once you start selling drinks, you'll never run out of money. Then again, your kids will probably learn even more interesting language than they already own.

[MoMMY]

I also have a hubby who hates to call the plumber. I have learned to just do it and tell him about it later. When we found out the pipes from the upstairs bathroom were leaking IN THE CEILING & WALL of the foyer my hubby ripped out said ceiling and wall and wanted to replace the giant CAST IRON pipe in the ceiling himself. THAT is when I learned to call the plumber while he's at work... it took two of them to remove it. Your basement may be scary (ours is too) but our foyer is scary. Still no ceiling or wall and it's been FOUR YEARS.

[blackbird]

We have had a poop back-up.
During a heat wave.
On a sunday.
At night.
From the tree roots -- but I found the $49.95anyseweranddrain service.
$49.95 for one line to be unclogged anywhere in the house!
Might the same be in Michigan?
I can only hope.

[blackbird]

...because, I can tell from your mood --
that you WANT unsolicited advice.

[e]

Ah, we too have the roots in the main drain problem. BUT the truly evil part is our trees were cut down. THE ROOTS KEEP GROWING. How fucked is that?

Anyway I'm grooving on the bar by the laundry room, the promise of drinks just might lure me in to get some wash done! With the amt of laundry I always have it might make driving the kids anywhere a problem. But then again I probably wouldn't care :-)

[hotsauce]

I'll drink to that!

[Stacy]

Dude, that SUCKS!

Here's the dialogue at our house:

Me: I think we better call a plumber.
Him: No, I can do it myself, I just need to go to Lowe's for a _______ and that should do it.
Me: Okay, sweetie, love you and all, but you've bought that part four times over the last five years and this is still a problem. Maybe it's time to call in a professional.
Him: Coward.
Me: Pretty much.

[Kelly]

Two reasons I love reading your blog: 1)you are soooooo much like me. 2) your robotic husband is VERY similar to my robotic husband.

[Saple]

I have the same problem... Do you use chlorine bleach in your wash? If not you can purchase a bottle of bleach once a month and pour it down one of the drains that backs up. This should kill off the budding tree roots so they do not invade the pipe.

After the last nastiness, I started doing one bottle down the drain and one bottle down the toilet. Just to keep the things clear. I hate to be jinxing myself but it has been over two years now... I know I am going to go home and find a flooded basement now...

[melissa]

I dunno, but perhaps tossing back a few at the Bend-Over Bar would make Bend-Over Laundry a bit more palatable. And the gay midgets can help fold.

[Mar]

Damn, Melissa stole my line!! Exactly what I was thinking - at least if you have had a few you won't mind the mess and the laundry so much!!!

[Lisa]

Everyone has to have a niche- I agree the gay midgets fluff and fold hasn't been filled. You would be a great bartender! Screw looking for a job!

[K.]

haha. bend-over bar = rail bar.

sorry, had to be said

[Patricia]

You need this. http://www.basementwatchdog.com/water_alarm.htm

[cursingmama]

I'm picturing you in the drab, poorly lit, damp basement bent over at the waist (like the small house car insurance commercial) and it just seems so funny...I mean sad. Sorry!
Actually I've been in your situation (only not bent over) and thats when I taught my lovely 3 year old the beauty of the "f" word.
Maybe you should keep a stash in the bar.

[Mir]

I bet it's at time like this that you think, "Damn, it's a good thing my robotic husband is so good-looking."

Cuz honestly, if he wasn't? The crashing wave of incredulity would've shot through the phone and killed him dead on the spot, I'm sure of it.

[Alecia]

Maybe the previous owners had alcoholic children. It's amazing what some of us will do for an afternoon of peaceandquiet. Don't think I haven't thought of it...and really how far off is that from other forms of kid-meds??

Been lurking for a couple of days...new to the whole blog world. You're hilarious.

[Shano]

Oh geez. We have a toilet like that. (Plumbed uphill. Brilliant. 1965 house.) We have a snake for our always problematic sewage and tree roots that overcome our drainage. For $20 or so, it attaches to your drill and you just stick it up the clogged plumbing and roto-eat the roots/clog up. Perhaps dear Robot isn't in denial. Maybe you only need a snake? (Keeping my finger crossed for ya!)

Pretty sure it's something like this:
http://www.homedepot.com/prel80/HDUS/EN_US/diy_main/pg_diy.jsp?CNTTYPE=PROD_META&CNTKEY=misc%2fsearchResults.jsp&BV_SessionID=@@@@1029392494.1106886837@@@@&BV_EngineID=ccdladddjlemjidcgelceffdfgidgjm.0&MID=9876

[Kelley]

how do i unblcok dis?