Things the plumber said and I didn't like.

I won't give you direct quotes because it was all a horrible blur.

"....broken sewer lines...."

".....dig up yard......"

".....improper drainage....."

"......soaking and rotting the foundation....."

".....swelling roots filling your pipe...." [I only included that one because it made me blush and giggle]

".....totally faulty plumbing system....."

".....wait a minute, Melissa Summers? I read about you and your gay son in the Times this weekend."

".....not sure how much it will cost....."

".....to put it bluntly Mrs Summers, you're fuct with a capital T...."

Thank God for Lexipro and email and distractions because this is the worst news I've gotten in like, 2 weeks. I haven't even cried about it.

The plumbers name was Duane. I wish Duane had a speech impediment because that would have softened the ass raping....hearing him say, "Hi, I'm Duane, I'm here to clear the Dwayne."

I'm drunk aren't I? Because God that seems so funny right now.

Also, I jumped on the bandwagon and signed up for Flickr and in honor of it I came up with a new masturbation euphemism specifically because Logan's office wouldn't let me write 'masturbation'. Instead, if you want to discuss masturbation with Logan, for whatever innocent reason, you should write 'Flick The Switch' instead.

(It's 11:15pm EST and Logan is at work. God love him.)

Damn it, I meant to add:

The new label for my links is a nod to Laid Off Dad and his viewing of the morning news which pronounced we 'Mommy Bloggers', "those you might not necessarily want to run into on the playground".

We're greasers and the other mommies are the soc's. "Mom, mom, crazy mom...stay cool mom."

Comments

[The Zero Boss]

God, I wish I were this drunk.Time to get crackin'...

[MelissaS]

You can't get this drunk off 'girlie drinks' big guy.

[Psycho Kitty]

It costs money...it costs money because it *saves* "money."
Roughly translated: Wow, are you ever screwed.
Sorry to hear about the plumbing. Gah.

[amy]

Sounds expensive.. drink up!
My daughter has lice. Again. Sigh...

[Jenn]

Oh god, I'm getting twitchy just *thinking* about plumbing problems...

[nicole]

i grew up perfectly heatlthy in a house that- as it turns out- the sewage pipes did not connect to ANYTHING. maybe your children should learn to do the same : )

also, it's lexApro. i only know because of my close, personal relationship to the product.

[MelissaS]

I don't care how it's spelled. As long as it works.

[Cricket]

If 'Flick Your Switch' looses its appeal, try one of these 489 other options sure to make it through an email filter, but probably not make it up on a church's billboard:

http://starmax.macsol.ca:2345/dict/SYNONYMS/MAST-F.htm

Tickle the Taco is a personal fav.

[Cricket]

Okay, I have to make it 490:

Knitting my Nits

[buffi]

Are all of us mommies on Lexipro? (Just checked my Rx bottle for proper spelling) I know my kids are pretty happy that THEIR mommy is! And of course nothing goes w/ an SSRI like a nice glass of merlot... "Makes Mommies Happy" (or at least less angry)

[mamaloo]

OK. IRT Flickr, I just clicked your link to see what that's about. what's not to love about a site that has statements like:

Basically, Flickr is what butters the borders between your photos to the people you want to see them...!

Butters the borders? Have you been writing for Flickr and not telling us?

Sounds like a "phone call" to me...

[hazelblackberry]

"Stay gold, momboy."

Also Flick the Switch - sounds like something AC/DC might endorse. Which makes it maybe slightly undesirable.

[Irene]

I am completely smackgobbed and can't think of anything to add to the above.

[blackbird]

did I miss something important?
masturbation terms/Logan's office?

[MelissaS]

Nothing steamy. We were discussing something Logan didn't want put up on the website and I said, "Everyone knows I 'make private phone calls', I'm over it."

I used the technical term for 'making the phone calls'.

[Anita]

Fuct is now me new favorite word.

[Summer]

I knew we were smart! I knew it! You see, if you never call the plumber in the first place, he cannot tell you all those horrifying and expensive things. (That would be why we're now on DAY EIGHT of not having running water in our home. Or rather we do have running water, we just have to keep it shut off for 23 hours a day to prevent our basement from flooding. But we have not had any bad news from plumbers!)

Also, Target was out of Buzz Lightyear pull-ups, and they were on sale AND I had a coupon, so I had to buy Disney Princess pull-ups for my 2 year old son. I'm asking you, the expert, do you think that peeing on Cinderella will make him gay?

[blackbird]

right, right -- I forgot.
the cordless phone.

[Mir]

At least on Lexapro your phone calls will work. When I was taking Paxil, it was... uh... difficult to get a dial tone. I heart Lexapro and its non-phone-interference properties.

Would you like to bring your gay son over to play with my bedwetting son whom I'll be sending to college in pullups? Maybe they'll get married someday, and then we can give them rubber sheets for a wedding gift.

[Lee]

...a plumber that reads the New York Times?? Why do I find that so freakin funny? Maybe it's the mental visual of an overweight unshaven man with a cigarette in his mouth - NYT spread on the floor - elbows reasting firmly on floor - plumber's crack exposed for all to see.

OK...it's just me.

[Lisa]

All of you are probably too damn young or were too cool to ever have watched "thirtysomething." But at one point Michael comes home and asks Hope whose Ferrari is in the driveway, and she says "the plumbers." The plumber then adds that he can't get back to work on their pipes for two weeks because he is going to Italy the next day. I know that plumber read The Times.
Okay I would love to run into you on the playground because then we could either drink or make fun of the moms who were horrified by us.
My husband calls it the "high point of his day" -stolen from American Beauty.

[Lisa]

All of you are probably too damn young or were too cool to ever have watched "thirtysomething." But at one point Michael comes home and asks Hope whose Ferrari is in the driveway, and she says "the plumbers." The plumber then adds that he can't get back to work on their pipes for two weeks because he is going to Italy the next day. I know that plumber read The Times.
Okay I would love to run into you on the playground because then we could either drink or make fun of the moms who were horrified by us.
My husband calls it the "high point of his day" -stolen from American Beauty.

[Saple]

Second Opinion sounds in order ..... Call somebody else or do you trust this guy.. If there is one thing I know about Plumbers in Oakland County is that they love to dig up yards........

[Ninotchka]

Ba ha ha ha "moms you do not necessarily want to run into at the playground" -- that's the funniest thing I've ever heard! Why the hell not, I wonder? I don't bite. ha ha ha

[Sarcastic Journalist]

i could use some swelling roots in my pipe. and getting drunk of girlie drinks? I DO IT EVERY WEEKEND! You should definitely not meet me on the playground. I'd probably be drunk.

[Joan]

My personal fav...is Dwayne the tub..I'm dawoning

Joan

[Texas T-bone]

A few years ago, our plumber told us something no homeowner wants to hear: "You have a negative fall." This basically means the sewage, instead of draining toward the city sewer lines and to a land far far away, comes back into the house. Look! Just what I've always wanted! Last week's poop! Yippee! Break out the champagne! We sent two of his kids to college for the corrective measures, but we are now flushed with success.

[y]

ah, yes, us blogging momma's, the bitches who be carrying digital cameras waiting for your children to do something stupid whilst playing at the park so we can post pictures and laugh at your children!

[amy]

Paxil.. now THERE is some effective birth control. Take that and you won't let ANYONE near you!

[LOD]

"Ponyboy" just made the list of potential baby names.

[gwbuffalo]

I'm like the comments from Lisa. You need a second opinion. Try to get a plumber with a camera that can snake through the pipe to show you the actual damage to the sewer line. Where and how far the damage should be easily recognizable to a skilled professional.

[Very Mom]

Ugh. My grandmother's basement is ankle deep from a broken water main. I feel for you.

Love,

A Moooommmmmmyy Blogger. Don't mess with me on the swing sets.