Mayonnaise Betrayal.

One of my resolutions for 2005 involved using up all that mayonnaise I bought during Lice Fest '04.

It's amazing how fast one can use mayonnaise when one puts her mind to it. It's true I can't seem to stop our financial ship from sinking, but God Damn It! I can use mayonnaise!

I've made parmesan artichoke dip, several tuna salad sandwiches as well as a few egg salad sandwiches. Logan, as I've mentioned, HATES MAYONNAISE! and he means it.

But guess what? Sunday night for dinner I slathered our chicken breasts in mayo! And parmesan cheese and italian breadcrumbs and it was so delicious. I hid all the mayo evidence and when Logan ate it he asked, "Where's all the oil coming from?" and I lied. I looked him in the eye and said, "It's just a little olive oil and some parmesan cheese."

After dinner I asked him if he liked the chicken and what kind of huge bitch am I? Because I didn't even tell him about the mayonnaise. I didn't tell him because I wanted him to read about it here when he gets in to work tomorrow and loads up my website to see if I wrote anything new.

There it will be, the ultimate betrayal. Because not only did he eat the mayo, he liked the mayo!

Next stop! Pickles!

Comments

[Jerri Ann]

you freakin' kill me, I swear to you, you can make anything fuckin' funny, I can always count on you....I try hard sometimes to be funny, but it never comes out as hilarious as your stuff...have you ever visited me, I could sure use some pointers, lol

[Becky]

Oh. My. God.

My side hurts from laughing so hard. I would totally do the same thing.

I just wish you had some kind of camera set up in his office. The internet would pay top dollar to see his reaction, I'm sure.

[SueFromOhio]

You crack me up! No, the men in our lives crack me up. Do you know what I have to do to my husband? I buy 'Tootie Frooties' and then put them in the 'Froot Loops' box when I get home...he can't tell the difference unless he see's the evidence. Anyway, if he would only look at the expiration date on the 'Froot Loops' and the fact that every week, hmmm, the same EXACT tear is on the flap....

Men, can't live with 'em..........

[Lisa]

Oh my god- I just saw that recipe in Better Homes. You are little Suzy Homemaker! I just looked at it and wondered if I could Wendy's to do that for me, cause it looked kind of good.

[Phil]

For some folks, adding a bit of hot pepper makes the mayonnaise more palatable. Me, I like my tuna salad with mayo and a little bit of sweet pickle relish mixed in. Do two verboten ingredients cancel out each others' badness?

In other things -- my 8th grade newspaper editors predicted this career for me: "Phil Marsosudiro will tell dirty jokes at conventions." All because of a punchline that went, "And I suppose that's mayonnaise running down your leg."

Happy lunchtimes to you.

p.s. please tell me Logan would actually enjoy a BLT with some mayo. Or maybe a roast beef sandwich? Or at least a tomato sandwich with really good summer tomatoes?

[Karen]

Please, please, promise me you won't make one of those mayonnaise chocolate cakes I've seen in magazines! The horror!

[Pants]

Words can't begin to describe the damage this deliberate and faithless act of treachery has generated... Internet, please stop encouraging this fiendish woman.

This. Means. WAR!

[pinky]

you are pure evil! you even *asked* how he liked them! hee hee....

(my spouse can't stand mayonnaise either - I made him a tuna sandwich the other day with literally a 1/8th of a teaspoon of miracle whip. because I couldn't bring myself to put PLAIN UNMITIGATED TUNA on the bread)

[JT]

Hand over the recipe for the parmesan artichoke dip and nobody will get hurt... I've been looking for a good one for ages.

[Caracao]

How very Mata Hari of you.

[Zach]

Mayonnaise cake is good. Really good. Yum. No mayo in evidence, just moist chocolate cake. I'll eat yours for you.

[Sara]

I saw that recipe too! And I thought, while reading Melissa's post, wow, I'm gonna make that tonight too, because mayo makes everything taste better.

I have the best tilapia recipe. Mayo, parmesan, lemon juice, herbs. To die for! Pants will love it.

[Pants]

Guess I'll be staying away from any cakes that Ms. Evil makes any time soon...

[trudie]

hey--everybody has to make their own contributions to being thrifty, right? all that mayo just sitting there is begging to be used, it seems only fair--otherwise, you're just spending MORE money, right??? aren't there a bunch of 'spa' treatments you can do with mayonnaise? (besides putting it in your hair--you've probably had enough of that...)

hahaha. he called you ms. evil.

[jilbur]

sorry, Pants—I must encourage. Her fell ways make me sooooooooo hot ... delish ms. liss. Try saying that one three times fast. Sadly, I don't think I could so effectively hide hard-boiled eggs in anything, so I can never aspire to your spouse's level of satanic practice, *sigh*

[Zach]

Well, really, mayo is just oil and eggs. What's the difference if you mix them before you put them into your cake mix or after??

[MelissaS]

Jilbur: Logan's parents once hid a hard boiled egg inside a meatloaf. You could try that! Just to get a reaction!

Recipes coming soon but I'll warn you the artichoke dip is REALLY garlic-y. It's ridiculous.

[MelissaS]

There is no difference Zach. Logan's just committed to hating Mayo. It's become an essential part of who he is.

[Zach]

Shit, I can't even win arguments at my own house, and now I am undermining one of my brothers??

Peace out.

[Maia]

You are evil!!

Mayo for lice? Do tell, daughter has them AGAIN!

[bari]

You are my hero! I do that all the time to my husband. I don't buy the "I hate that" sing song. If he knew how many times I've put spinach, brocolli, mushrooms and anything else that makes him gag in his dinner that he has LOVED, he'd probably need some serious therapy.

::bowing to you::

[Miss Weeze]

I sneak garlic into my husband's dinners all the time, against his wishes. He's a vegetarian *and* a teetotaller, so I have to take my fun where I can get it.

[Maia]

Gotcha on the mayo and lice, followed the link in this post. Mayo on daughters head, coming up!

[briantologist]

Good Lord Miss Weezie, what's he do for fun? Crack can't be any better for him than booze or meat. Seriously.

[jenB]

mark feels the same way about peanut butter. he wont even kiss me if i have eaten it recently. although i suspect replacing the mayo in that recipe with peanut butter would not yield the same results.

[Dan]

Mmm ... parmesan artichoke dip ...

[Mary]

As a fellow Mayo-HATER I completely sympathize with Logan. I've had this done to me before but an evil-minded uncle who thought it would be hilarious to secretly make me ingest this most vile substance.

"Hey Mary, how do you like my special Halibut Ala Larry?"

"Uncle Larry, it's awesome. The sauce is really good."

"Really?" (raises eyebrows)

"Uh huh." (getting nervous)

"You FOOL, the sauce has MAYONAISE IN IT! MHAHAHAHAH!"

Scarred for life, Melissa. I’m telling you, for life.

[cursingmama]

You slay me! I NEVER could have kept that kind of secret..I would've threw the recipie at him and danced a big 'ole shit on you dance. But you, you lay in wait at zap him for the whole internets to see...you are soo good!

Hope you didn't get a snowday....

[Sarcomical]

that's the way my husband is, too. he is so damned picky about certain foods. if you accidentally mention that one of those things is in a dish, he's suddenly freaked out and not hungry. ...but don't tell him? and he screws himself and his stupid hangups every time.

funny. how the brain works.

[heather deeeee]

heeheehee.

i used to pull the same shit...on my little brother.

he REFUSES to eat turkey stuffing. he thinks it's icky.

my favourite time was the time i offered to fill his thanksgiving plate....and i hid a bit of stuffing in between the turkey and the mashed potatoes and then covered it all in gravy.

he spit it out. right on his plate.

priceless. like a shitty mastercard commericial.

and...i am a fan of the mayo cake. it tastes GREAT.

but i also don't eat mayo on it's own. only baked in things. and sometimes in egg salad. (if i, or my nana, makes it. no one else can.) (lord!)

[Mr. Rose]

All this 'stupid husband' talk reminds me of the time my wife wanted to take a nice relaxing bath. One of her big 'hangups' is that she doesn't like pee in her bath (!?) Well, I peed in her bath while it was filling and she wasn't around! Stupid wife! Took a bath in pee! Hahahahahaha! Ha. ha. Nothing like screwing over the one who loves and trusts you, eh?!!

[MelissaS]

Uh....ha ha....right Mr Rose.

Urination in the tub is totally the same thing.

I'm totally going to do that tonight. Thanks for your input.

[Mr. Rose]

Woops, I missed. That suggestion was for Logan!!

[MelissaS]

Oh but the problem is I'm wild about urine in my bath.

Thanks though.

[Tamara]

I understand the disgust when it comes to mayo. The stuff is downright nasty. I had an adoptive family FORCE me to eat Peanut Butter and Miracle Whip sandwiches as a child. To this day I cringe and run in the other direction if I know ther is Miracle Whip anywhere near me. I will not share the same air space with any jar of that crap and if someone has been eating it and I smell it I gag instantly.

I hate hate hate hate hate Mayo!

The only kind I can stomach is Kraft Free. All others can BURN! Yuck!

You are evil, Melissa...but it is kinda funny since I am not the victim in your evil little plot!

[Holly Bar]

I hated mayonnaise...until I got pregnant. Now I put it on EVERYTHING. Could this be your answer? hmm....

[Laura K.]

Ha ha! That is too funny!

"Gee, Mom, I sure like this chicken. But, has anyone seen my Bunny, Mr. Flopsy?" :)

I will have to try your chicken thing. I have the uber jar of mayo, too. That's what I get for going to Costco during the holidays when I have only a couple of different dips to make...

[Tammy]

Note to self: Do NOT piss off Mr Rose, or he will piss on me. Or in my tub. Somehow that's just not the same as feeding a loved one a delicious chicken dinner with a bit of mayo!!

[Becky]

I don't think I'd eat anything at Mr. Rose's place, either. If he thinks pissing in the tub is comparable, I'm afraid of what kind of sauce he'd serve over chicken.

[MollieBee]

I can't pee in the tub either, I always drag my ass out and get water everywhere. Is that strange or the norm I wonder.

[jo]

Woo baby!!! I'm married to a Brit who eats NOTHING but meat and veg and I, you see, am a culinary student....I love to cook and feed those I love. So I am laughing out loud at your crafty egg and oil lies! I have been there and surfed that and can just say that if it has worked once...it can be done again.
They know not what they eat is my mantra.

[Dave M]

When do we get to the point in the discussion where someone explains that Miracle Whip is not mayonnaise? Oh, that's now, I guess.

[Flippy]

Miracle Whip is like mayonnaise, but with sugar added. Mmmmm. Neither, thankfully, is like urine in the tub.

[Jenn]

All hail Queen Melissa. Hiding the mayo...getting a positive reactive to how it tasted and then OUTING the MAYO on the BLOG for Logan to stumble upon. Oh my dear, you are the best. May we all learn from you.

Sorry, Logan, but we can't mess with genius. We must encourage it in order for the rest of us to learn.

[Texas T-bone]

As my nephew says, "Mayonaise is just WRONG!" Yes.

[emily]

Ohhh...you are so brave.I have to side with Logan on this one.All that mayo may clog his robot parts...and then where would you be?:-)

[Pam]

Holy Smokes! That is basically what I did to my husband when I got sick and tired of his "mayo allergy".

Yes, he claimed to be allergic to mayo! Or his mom made him think he was. He went to Lutheran school and I guess their entire lunch program was centered around mayo and one day, he threw up after lunch. Surely that meant he was allergic to mayo. He had cold lunches sans mayo after that and freaked out in restaurants if he got his grilled chicken sandwich with mayo already on it. Even while we were dating. I almost dumped him over that.

I almost think i did the chicken in mayo thing too. I cannot remember. But I remember feeling like I won the friggin battle over the mayo and I was more than happy to shove it in my mother-in-law's face. Now he bitches if he DOESN'T get his mayo on his burger and grilled chicken sandwiches. What weenies men are!

[kalenamango]

so.... what did he say when he read about the evil deed! update please! :)

--kalenamango

ps: loving your blog!!

[ariel]

we've been stalking you.
you are my life.
kidding. but we should meet.
LOVE YOU GIRLFRIEND!
ooh byu the way.
mayonnaise rocks my socks.

[Alice]

i've been personally making you my obsession by stalking your website & looking at your familie's pictures (not to mention your extremly hot husband!!) ... hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha just kidding about the stalking part;) lol nice site though baby! call me, 405-1110
p.s. i LOVE mayonnaise- quit making fun of it