My Big Day.

How to make this as funny as it actually was.

I've been getting a LOT of advice about my job search recently from everyone. I appreciate it, most of it. Except if you say stupid things like, "Wow, you're really sad that you've been looking for a job since September and haven't gotten one, YOU NEED MORE MEDICATION!" or "Is your PRESTIGIOUS address worth your mental health? Why don't you just move?"

But I do appreciate the help, honestly. I'm totally desperate and sharing experiences and ideas is always truly helpful. Just don't tell me what the right thing for me to do is, because that's just rude.

The Internet is so....funny sometimes.

Today I arrived for my interview five minutes early, as planned. The office manager seemed nice enough and the sales guys who worked in the office seemed extremely attentive.

"Do you want some coffee?" one asked.

"A bagel?" another asked.

"Fruit?" the first asked.

I was slightly shaken when the office manager invited me to have a seat in her office and there was a doll leaning against her desk hiding her face, as if playing hide and go seek. I had to sit with my legs touching the 2.5 foot tall doll. Also in the office were various ceramic hippos and that was unsettling as well. Although that child sized doll against the desk resting on my leg was pretty fucking weird.

The interview started and we chatted and I made lovely small talk because my most marketable skill right now is my 'charming chatter'. And we chatted. Her husband works in Royal Oak, which is where I live. I asked her if she realized Royal Oak is a very prestigious place to live. I also asked her if she realized the sidewalks are paved with gold in Royal Oak and she didn't realize this either. Neither did I.

We were chatting and having a wonderful time and every once in a while a salesman would peek his head in the office just to see if I needed anything. And I didn't. She never really asked me any questions, she reviewed my resume with me and talked a lot about what she needed the person in this position to do.

Some of it made me uncomfortable I'll admit, because I knew it was over my head. But I heard the voices of the many many volumes of advice I've gotten in the last five months of this job search. Those voices said, "Most of what they tell you, you'll never have to do in your position." And, "You just need to get the job and you can figure it out once you get in."

So I assured this woman, this woman who loves ceramic hippos, that YES! Of course! I know how to do that! And THAT! I can do that while I'm sleeping! And I love doing that! It's my favorite thing to do!

So she handed me a document and she asked me to recreate the document, using a formula in a program I really don't know how to create a formula in. I know how to not fuck up the formula in this program, but I don't actually know how to create a formula in this program.

I could figure it out with a book from the library and a few tutorials, but there was no book and no tutorial in the office.

But I'd implied to this woman that I could create a formula so you can imagine what happened when she took me over to a computer (a WINDOWS based machine for the love of God) and left me to point and click for a while. Until I realized there was no fucking way I could figure this out.

It was pretty awesome to walk back into her office and tell the lady who loves ceramic hippos that I uh...didn't have a fucking clue what I was doing so I'm just going to grab my coat and my handbag here and then I'm going to drive my car into a brick wall because this job search is going so fucking awesome!

And so, I did.

*I'm just going to turn off comments because you guys? I've done everything. It's just not happening yet. I don't know what that means exactly but you can't fix it. I love that you want to fix it but you just can't. This sucks and I'm depressed and I'm angry and I'm sad. I don't need more medication. I don't need to sell my house and move to Canton.

I'm not going to give up but I am going to need the weekend to process this latest upper cut to my jaw. I'm humiliated and hurting and tired. I know that I share my 'sob story' on the internet but I don't do that so you can fix it. This is a blog, a diary and this is what I'm struggling with. I wish it was like TV and in 20 minutes, with strategic product placement and advertisements, I'd have gotten the right job (for now) and this wasn't an issue but life doesn't work like tv. I can't clean it up nice and tidy for you...so don't get pissy with me and be a shit head about it. JUST DON'T READ IT WHEN YOU GET TIRED OF MY WHINING. Please, please please promise me that. Just stop visiting for a while and maybe when you stop in again I'll have figured this out and it will be over.

I don't want you to kiss my ass. I just want you to not say anything if you don't have something nice to say. I just don't need it, it doesn't help and I'm surprised you think it would help. If you don't like those rules then don't read website. You can start your own blog and solve all your problems yourself in a nice neat manner. With product placement and a guest starring role with Joe Namath.

Okay?

Hey, go read Real Kato Online for good times and I'll bet he won't mind if you tell him the answers to his dreams are in Canton Michigan.