Nostalgia For The Thrifty Acres? Seriously?

In the comments of my last post several ex-michiganders recalled Meijers, mostly fondly. It is true, as Sweetney says, that Meijer is a 'one stop' shopping mecca. Pinky recalls the freedom of being able to buy "...socks, birthday cakes, hamsters or food..." at any time of the day or night. I've had a lot of hamster emergencies in my life. Believe me. MonoCerdo is also correct, the Ypsilanti Meijer was the stinkiest in all the land.

While I attended Eastern Michigan University, in Ypsilanti, all my attempts to avoid a real job came to a close when I realized I couldn't pay my rent ($135 a month! Ha ha!) and my car payment ($94.19! HA HA HA HA HA HA!) by selling my plasma and stripping my clothes off for life drawing classes alone.

I had a two other on campus jobs but I still needed more money because somehow working one hour a day at the student newspaper wasn't making the ends meet. College was SO AWESOME for me! You know what else is SO AWESOME about college!? I'm STILL PAYING FOR IT! AND I CAN"T GET A FUCKING JOB!

Oh my God where the hell is this post going?

It was about Meijer when I started. So I got a job at Meijer and I didn't go to the Ypsilanti one because as I said before I went off on that self pitying tangent, the Ypsi Meijer was scary and stinky. I went to the Ann Arbor Meijer because I believed that Meijer to be a better, less stinky, place.

On my first night I was plopped behind the customer service desk BY MYSELF within 45 minutes of my arrival. In the middle of a transaction I excused myself for 'just a moment' went to the cloak room, grabbed my belongings, punched out and ran home.

This is the sure sign of a shitty work environment. The manager called me back and asked if I'd come back the next night. I WALKED OUT OF THE STORE IN THE MIDDLE OF MY SHIFT!

I'm sorry for all the yelling. I don't know what's wrong with me today.

I did go back but it only got better! In the sense that it got even more insane. To say I hated that job would really miss the point because that job was so amazingly awful you had to almost like it because it sucked so horribly.

I was the least loyal employee Meijer has ever had. I took returns for used merchandise. No receipt? Fine whatever just make it time for me to leave. I didn't care that you were deliberately committing retail fraud. I just couldn't muster up an ounce of outrage for these people.

But sometimes someone would for whatever reason incite me to follow the rules. The drunk man with no legs who asked to return a sweater. Sometimes in these instances, I'd just make up a price and take it because I don't feel like arguing with you.

But something about the drunk man with no legs and his worn and smelly sweater pushed my button that night. I told him I couldn't take back his sweater since it was worn, had no tags, he had no receipt and it smelled. Like him. (I didn't say that but I wish I did.)

He was so very very very angry he could hardly contain himself. He began screaming at me and calling me all kinds of unpleasant names. It was like the Internet Trolls had materialized in front of me and they were a drunk man without legs in a wheelchair.

He suddenly lunged at me! He FLUNG himself out of his wheelchair and onto the counter. I just stared in shock and he kept swearing and his anger made him froth so he hung onto the counter and screamed at me.

Of course when he lunged the wheelchair went flying backwards and there was no place for him to go. He just hung on the counter, leg stumps dangling and saliva flying from his filthy mouth.

It took all my strength not to push him off the counter. Instead I just laughed until security arrived.

Now, why is it I can't seem to force myself to work retail?

Comments

[amy]

dulurking here to say that you rock. i love reading your blog :)
i went to CMU and we had a great meijer w/ a rockin' bulk food section.
i miss meijer.

i lived in MI for the first 22 years of my life, and i've been in NC since.

[amy]

oh, hey, i was first :) first time i left a comment and i got to be first. cool.
were you a huron, or an emu?

[MelissaS]

Logan, is old, so he was a Huron. I, am young, so I was an Eagle. Although, it would be WAY funnier if they were Emus....

[MonoCerdo]

Oh, I'm so glad you're aware of the Ypsi Meijer and its stankafied glory! The other distinguishing feature of this Meijer is the unmatched ineptitude and undisguised apathy of each and every employee. One signature move that always brightened my day was the silent point.

Example: "Excuse me, red-shirted fellow, could you possibly break from your catatonic state to tell me where I could find some non-rotten produce?" And no matter where you are in the store, even if the item in question is three feet away, the Meijer employee will raise a finger and mutely point to the farthest possible location from the point of inquiry.

Based on your story, I'd say you were, quite possibly, the best employee Meijer ever had.

[Dindrane]

Yes, retail bites. There's not much worse than trying to please your boss and the customers (although I guess you had it a bit easier because you didn't care about pleasing your boss). I once had a woman try to return a used bathing suit. There wasn't much we could do about it though, because she somehow managed to get a price tag onto it. So she got the money, and we got to disinfect our hands after handling the merchandise.

[chelsea]

i have such a love-hate relationship with meijer.

on the one hand, i love it. i was truly shocked when i moved to other states and couldn't go and buy scrabble in the middle of the night. i was thinking, 'how do you people live like this??? how can you survive in a meijer-less universe?'
it is a great store - self check out lanes, a starbucks, a bank, a post office! and on top of it you still CAN buy socks, birthday cakes, hamsters and food AND A LAWNMOWER!

i grew up in traverse city, where the meijer has expanded so much that it now seems to cover an entire county. so, on the other hand, i hate it. i was there in december around christmas, and i realized, after i'd been there for like 3 hours, that i needed to get windshield wipers and the thought of walking the six miles to the automotive section from the diary section made me want to cry. it's just too fucking big. and there is no in and out, it's a serious commitment going into meijer. it's almost like a some kind of weird test to see if you can survive in there, or if you can make it out in under two hours AND find your car in the massive parking lot.
my parents were hippies and they used to call it 'meijer: shifty takers' which really does have a ring to it.

[Lisa]

The company I work for has been plowing and salting the Brighton Meijer's lot since the store has opened and there are a lot of real bottom feeder people that work there, let me tell you. No wonder you hated it, you appear fairly normal!

The best part is when Mr. Meijer "Asshat" Manager calls me on my nextel at like fucking 2 a.m. to ask that we plow the lot. He's too lazy to walk his ass to the window and see that the guys have been there for two hours already.

Meijer Trivia: The Howell Meijer's is the highest grossing Meijer's.

[Paula]

yeah, I went to EMU too. I was there in the Huron days and later went back while the change over to the Eagle days....when names were being voted on I suggested Eastern be the Emus....a silly little bird for a silly school. Meijer sucked then and it still sucks now except now I have to bag my own damn beer.
Paula from Jackson

[Sara for lack of a better name]

Yikes - this sounds like the stuff nightmares are made of.

During college I worked at the returns counter of Menards (a midwestern home improvement chain). One guy came in to return this huge load of rusty fenceposts. I looked into his big cart, trying to find whatever he wanted to return under this huge pile of old fenceposts he brought in for some reason. Then I realized that he wanted to return the fenceposts. I asked for a receipt and told him he wouldn't be able to return them without a receipt, and he started screaming and demanded to talk the manager. The manager came up, told the man that he'd estimate the fenceposts to be 15 years old, and told him to take his business elsewhere.

That one time that the customer was not "always right" was definitely the highlight of my retail career.

[Maia]

WOW... I wish I had the balls to up and leave a job mid shift like you did. I have often fantasized about it but never had the guts.

[Oh! Face]

Yeah, we have stores like that in the northwest, too, but they are called 'Fred Meyers'. The employees sound about the same. I never understood why they bragged about 'one stop shopping' until I tried shopping with The Boy (22 mo. old). Now I get it. Also drive-thrus.

My best retail memory was telling the drunk screaming at me because we were out of his favorite beer (at 10 min. to last call on NEW YEAR'S EVE) that he wasn't getting ANY beer! I thought his head was going to explode. Good times.

[Sarcastic Journalist]

good grief, what is wrong with the names in michigan??? here we have names like "dallas" and "austin," names I can pronounce.

your city names have too many syllables. I must do away with my "I love michigan" shirt.

[mrs. holmes]

i have no idea what most of those words meant. but i cannot. believe. you. laughed. at the legless man. can't believe it.

[Sarcastic Journalist]

PS, i would have totally laughed at that guy, too. When I lived in NC, there was a guy without arms who ate with his feet.

[MelissaS]

For the record: I wasn't laughing because he didn't have any legs, I was laughing because he was trying to attack me, over a stupid sweater, and how the hell did he think he was going to get over the counter?

He didn't think through his actions and so deserved to be laughed at. Besides! He tried to attack me. Legs or not, that's just rude.

[Sandy Z.]

I discovered your Blog today. I really like it. The job search situation here in Michigan sucks as many know.I wish you the best and I will continue to read your very entertaining Weblog.

[MollieBee]

Fred Meyers is the shit.

I love visiting family in OR and AK just so I can get my hands on the Fred Meyers goodness. Super Target just doesn't measure up.

Worst retail job: Toys R Us....at Christmas time. It almost made me decide to live Childfree.

[sweetney]

well that was funny as shit.

still, despite your pointed protestations, my meijer nostalgia continues unabated. i mean, c'mon -- you can get power tools, a fifth of vodka, a parakeet, and some meat, all in one trip!

admittedly, that list of items sounds like a heretofore unknown formula for some sort of demented (and perhaps even illegal) activity, but you get my drift.

[rj]

I'm laughing out loud.. I do love the 24/7 shopping option. One night while looking at cameras I found myself watching the customer service line. The line was long and what I could see of it fasinated me. A young woman holding a black lacy bra with her scary looking boyfriend. A woman carrying a small bag of herbs. Gal with three, two liter bottles of soda. I was watching and wishing I could hear what all was being said. I could never work customer service at a super store. I would not be able to help myself, "you've got to be kidding me" would slip past my lips all to often.

[mrs. holmes]

that wasn't meant to be chastising. i should've said i thought it was funny, too. but still, you were laughing at a legless man and if there's ever been a political faux pas, that one's right up there.

[Heatheranne]

OK. I'm stupid. I never realized you live in Michigan. If I had realized that, (being from Ohio) I would have totally rubbed it in your face that the Buckeyes beat Michigan last November and I was at the game to enjoy it. But since it's been several months, I won't do that.

I used to work at a gas station, for over two years. I can totally relate with the customer service thing. I went from there to working at a bank which is when I realized that I hate people and I decided to go to college and get a degree in forensic science because the only people I would have to deal with would be dead. I never found a job in my field so I'm paying for a worthless college degree while I work as an orthodontist assistant in my father in law's practice.

[yvonne]

If ever there were a need for a leglessmanhangingfromacounter.gif this would be it.

But seriously? How does a legless man fling himself out of his chair? Was he possessed?

I'm so afraid of shit like that, I would have ran away crying and I'd have never been able to sleep again.

[Stacy]

I worked at the "new" Meijer's in Jackson before and right after they opened. Did a lot of graveyard shifts stocking women's wear. Sucked.

That being said, as wonderful as Wal-Mart and Target are, I cannot have a key made, get my shoes repaired, have an ice cream cone AND buy a kicky ski hat at 3am at those places.

[em]

I've heard lots of stories about Meijer's but the best was from someone I knew who worked there as a second job one Christmas. She said one night around midnight she was straightening her assigned area of the store, and as she came around a corner she found a young man(early to mid 20's) taking a dump on a display of towels at the end of the aisle. I guess when you're open 24 hours all kinds of things can happen! I think she quit the job very soon after.

[pinky]

The armless man who eats with his feet in NC? I saw him at the mall the other day. There is actually a movie about him and his interesting life, and successful lawn care business.

[Zeb]

I live about 8 miles from the Ypsi Meijer. I try not to visit. I drive the extra distance to Hiller's. I also have a Kroger about 1 mile from my house. Will not go there. Moldy produce....but worse than that are the customers. In the self checkout lane. Example: ring up all your groceries (very slowly). Then, while there is a huge line behind you, complete transaction, realize you still need a few more things, leave all your stuff in the checkout area and go do some more shopping. Come back to checkout area and continue. How do you not hit these people??!?!?!!
I worked in a hardware store when I was younger. I took a return on a faucet from 1975. With receipt.
Job situation in Michigan sucks. It's too depressing to think about. Any other states that are better that we can move to?

[Jen]

Oh my god. Ohmygodohmygod. I worked at the customer service desk AT THE YPSILANTI MEIJERS in 1990, the summer between high school and college. Oh my god. I'm having post-traumatic stress right now at my desk just thinking about it. I once took back a box of opened frozen hamburger patties because the person had cooked one and it "just didn't taste right." And ohmygod the people coming in for money orders to pay their utility bills and the shoplifting drunk people at midnight and the people trying to return stuff they clearly stole. And bringing back dead goldfish. Ohmygod.

Did you get to wear the blue smock? When I quit, I threw my blue smock at my manager and it landed on his head and he had to pull it off. And then he told me they didn't need employees like me. Heh.

Thank god for Target, seriously.

[cynicalwoman]

Meijer, despite its stankified state, is my favorite thing about Michigan. The fact that I could purchase food, booze, firearms, clothing, furniture, auto supplies, and a small pet at 3 AM -- and all from the same place! -- just entertains me no end.

I did 9 years of retail hell, though, and I sympathize. I once had a woman try to pay me for cigarettes with invisible money.

[Ken]

Hey Melissa, congratulations... this article is currently the top Google link for "Thrifty Acres".

[David]

I also frequented the Traverse City Meijers. Shit, in NW Michigan, going to Meijers was like going to the Guggenheim! There was a movie theater in the same parking lot and I would always get an angel food cake for the movie and my friend (who always had an MTA Pro- that's Meijer Thrifty Acre for those not in the know - baseball mitt) would go for the bag of 36 donut holes. After trying to pull the little divider that separates the betas from each other(you know, the fish that kill each other when you put them in the same tank..........I know, but like I said - it was Northern Michigan....) , we would lurch over to the movie. The funniest thing ever was when the donut hole guy washed em down with three Faygo Red Pops and puked all over the theatre. Again - it was Northern Michigan. If he was smart, he would have eaten them with his feet and he would be famous now.

[chelsea]

the movie theater in the parking lot was a great feature...we used to have our parents drop us off at meijer an hour before the movie started and we'd get huge bags of bulk candy and walk around the store eating it. that way, we'd only have to pay for the little bit that was left after we'd roamed meijer for 45 minutes shoveling candy into our mouths.

ah, memories.

[Erica]

YOU went to EMU, now I'm laughing my ass off! No wonder you can't get a job. Why the hell did you got there??? Get a Masters at an accredited school so you can get a job.

[Jen F.]

I worked retail for one summer. I also had people yell at me over nothing, although they usually had legs.

A few days before I abruptly quit someone shit in the dressing room and wiped their ass with a pair of white Calvin Klein shorts (presumably *after* they tried them on).

At that point it wasn't that shocking to me. I just assumed it was an ex-employee.

[crystal]

Ok not from EMU but puked there a few times. As for Meijers, I worked there for one WHOLE day. Not sure why. I could have got a job in retail store that I actually liked and would have utilized the discount. I don't think Meijers even gives you employee discounts (I guess their prices are low enough). They stuck me in the TOY DEPARTMENT. I had a toothless woman following me around asking questions about kids cartoons. I finally told her I know nothing and neither did my neurotic co worker ( I think she was stoned because she took the job way to seriously). Four hours later I left my shift, never to return. I then got apart time job at Ms. Field Cookies...what a step up huh?

[Gina]

I'm late to this post, but that was some of the funniest shit I've ever read. Tanks!

[lol]

wow i loled so hard. i'm actually due to be service desk trained at a meijer next week. can i expect to be lunged at?