'Special Hug', Not Effective.

Madison likes to ask me stories about the past. When Logan and I met and our first kiss and about the day she was born.

she'll say, "what did it feel like when I was born?"

I'll want to say, "I felt like I was breaking in two." But I want grandchildren someday so I leave out the 12 hours of labor and the 3 hours of pushing and the forceps and the slicing. I just say, "It hurt a lot."

She replies, "I don't think I want babies."

"You don't have to have babies that's okay."

She says, "Right, I know! I just won't get married and then I don't have to have babies."

I felt the need to clarify and it all went to hell at that point.

"Well you could get married but, remember when we talked about the sperm and the egg? And how they have to get together to make a baby? And there's a special hug that lets them get together? There are things you can do to make sure the sperm and the egg don't get together if you don't want to have a baby."

She ponders and says, "Okay so I'll get married but I won't hug my husband."

[Frantically thinking: WHERE THE HELL AM I GOING WITH THIS?]

"Well no, remember I said it was a special hug?"

She looks confused, "Okay, can you show me the special hug?"

...
...
...

"Maddie, maybe you should just be a lesbian."

[Job Interview: will pay $xxx.xx a month. day Care will cost $xyy.yy month. The difference between $xxx.xx and $xyy.yy is $44.00 a month. Still looking.]

Comments

[Flippy]

Well, $44 means free Starbucks for two weeks out of the month. Who wouldn't want to work 40 hours/week for that?

And truly, the joy of being a lesbian (wow, who ever thought those words would come out of my mouth?) is never having to worry about birth control or unwanted pregnancies.

[Kismet]

Cute story. Sorry about the job. I know the right one is out there waiting for you, so do you! ;)
~K!

[monkeypuzzled]

Melissa, just delurking here to tell you how I do so enjoy your blog. You're such a fabulous writer, and yes I'm sure you've thought about this, but could you freelance for some extra income? The problem of course is that it takes a little while to build up a clip file and start making actual money ... but in the end I think it would be right up your (no need to deal with the public) alley. Plus, it's all fulfilling and shit.

[Rebecca]

What a fabulous introduction to the reproductive system. Ever thought about teaching sex ed? I bet you'd even make more than $44 a month doing so. I'd apply myself, but the board of education won't accept my resume.

Good luck with the neverending search Melissa. It really sucks doesn't it?

[amy]

I dunno, for some reason I grew up thinking childbirth was wickedly painful and something I did not EVER want to do.. Influenced by my mother? Heck no, mom has/had an 'incompetent cervix' (lovely choice of terms) and birthed all SIX of us within an hour each.

Of course I did not learn that till I was much older and my fear of childbirth firmly ingrained (and shit yes, it DID hurt!) You might consider lying to your daughter and rosy it up a bit, "Oh it hurt a BIT but you were so worth it!". Might save her from the 8.5 months of terror that struck which each pregnancy of mine ;) A little.. well we can HOPE right?! Lie to my kids, hell yes, sometimes :)

[emily]

Sorry about the job.That daycare will kill you.I wonder if I could put Seth in a kennel with a bowl of food and water.That way he could stay at home by himself.
Hey...it works for the puppy.

[Sarcastic Journalist]

I'd really like to see the special hug, too. Mabye you can put up a "special hug" website and charge people to look at the special hug?

I don't do the special hug anymore. PS Sorry about the job. Work sucks.

[Phil]

I look forward to any upcoming posts about Madison's school's PTA and what they think of you. None of this "Blue State / Red State" crap. It's all going to be about Madison's Mom :)

I like the special hug.

[Mrs. Kennedy]

And if you get a SECOND job AT Starbucks you can drink coffee for free and never see your family again! Hey!

[tracy]

Try explaining IVF and a c-section! :-D

Also, don't forget that childcare expenses are tax deductible...

[jenB]

i was going to be all practical and boring and ask about tax deductibleness of child care. i don't know much since i am canadian and a 50's housewife, but maybe it is something to look into.

someone should just pay you for being fabulous. sheesh.

[MelissaS]

We need cold hard cash. Not a tax deduction. Our accountant is a miracle worker and gets us plenty of deductions.

I NEED MONEY! NOW!