Are you sure?

Today I spent about 24 minutes (including the time it took to google 'Creating an Excel Spreadsheet') fiddling with Excel and creating a spreadsheet to track my hours and earnings in my new job.

This only adds to my horrendous humiliation over the last interview where I was asked to create a spreadsheet with a formula and could not do it. What I did instead was humiliate myself by admitting my limitations and driving directly into a brick wall outside the office.

And to think, all of that could have been avoided if I'd spent 24 minutes looking at the program prior to the Interview From Hell. I am ridiculous.

I can typically be really hard on myself. Perhaps I'll mail myself a check and become my own professional mistress. I may as well since I beat the crap out of myself mentally every single day. However, in fairness to myself, I didn't actually have excel at my house at the time since my laptop died and was being replaced at the time.

I'm sorry mistress.

The new job is hardly a 'job' but it's making me some extra cash which is making me feel more productive than my cats, (as Angela would say. I'd show you the specific post she said that in, but she doesn't have permalinks. They're against her religion) because I'm earning actual dollars.

I'm doing some office type work for a realtor couple who happen to be the grandparents of one of Max's best buddies who is also named Max. So far it's going well, except that one of our cats has developed a frightening addiction to rubber bands.

Some of the work I'm doing involves rubber bands and one of the cats can smell rubber bands where ever they are. Often, she'll sit at the window sill crying out and yearning for the office supplies at the neighbor's house. So far the cat has destroyed 2 manilla files and several envelopes in her quest for the rubber bands. She must have the rubber bands SO HELP HER!

In honor of this [fingers] job [/fingers] I've gotten, I thought I'd share a little about another of my worst jobs ever.

At some point in high school I started a job as a telemarketer. Technically we were selling a safety kit, and a portion of the proceeds would go to charity.

I'm not much of a salesperson. You either want to buy what I'm selling or you don't. As you can imagine most people don't want to buy things from a telemarketer. Because telemarketers are even worse than the spam-bots. At least spam doesn't talk and interrupt your dinner and make you angry!

I made a few calls that first night on the job and the response was a little lackluster. Ranging from polite declines to angry refusals. But then there was the call where I realized I should just stop making calls and never go back to this horrible place once my shift was over.

I asked the gentleman if he was interested in our safety kit, a portion of the proceeds go to an excellent cause. He replied, "No".

Because I was such an amazing sales person I quickly flipped through my salesperson file of tricks and shot back, "Are you sure?"

Are you sure? That was my attempt to seal the deal?

I've come up with the subject of the book people seem to think I should write!

"Are you sure? Little known sales techniques which will make you run screaming from your job!"

Unfortunately, the approach was shockingly ineffective. The man on the other end of the line said, "Uh....yes, I'm sure."

Since I'd used all the tricks in my bag, I was left with no options, "Okay. Good bye!"

Comments

[Maia]

My worst job had to be frying chicken in a new chicken joint. On the first day we were swamped, guess the idiot boss should have checked the fricking fryers BEFORE he opened, sigh. They did NOT work properly and angry people were waiting at least an hour for their chicken. IF they got it at all.
Second worst job had to be a summer student job. Working as a landscaper (grass cutter) and getting the 'honorable' task of cutting down, raking and taking away grass and weeds 4 ft tall. The weather was hot, over a 100 and the location? The cesspools of the sewage plant. Lovely memory.

Thanks for letting me share ;)
Will be ordering some of your Cafepress goodies when I get a job and allow myself to use my CC's again.

[Crystal]

ABC... Always be closing. Always. Be. Closing! Ok, ok, I'm just being a dork, that's from a sales movie. Congrats on figuring out Excel, I certainly have no idea how to use it. Glad to see your spirits up a little!!

[Phil]

Crystal quotes from "Glengarry Glen Ross", the mother of all sales movies. Which is different from the mother of all spreadsheets, which all spreadsheets are to the uninitiated. And yes, I'm sure. (Isn't it nice that CafePress.com doesn't call people at dinnertime?)

[Jenni]

The summer after I graduated HS, I took a job as a telemarketer. I sold extended warrantees for ABC Warehouse. They had this (fingers) policy (fingers) that they figured made things easier around the office in the event that a customer were to return your call. None of us could have the same name. It was apparently confusing when a customer called back asking for "Jennifer" but there are several Jennifers working there and only one has the customer's info card. So, I had to pick another name. That's right... I got to rename myself and then had to actually go by that name at work. I choose Stephanie. At first it was very confusing but I actually got used to it. There were people there who never knew my real name. If someone from work called me at home they asked, "Is Stephanie there?" Very weird for my Mom. The really funny thing was that the girl going by Jennifer wasn't really a Jennifer... she was Robyn but there had been a guy named Robin. When he left, she couldn't just BECOME Robyn because there were customers out there who thought she was Jennifer... and so on. I don't know if ANYONE there was actually going by their real name.

[Stacy]

My success as a telemarketer depended on what I was selling and how invested I was in the job. The p/t hours I desperately needed, selling extra phone features for Bellsouth? Did okay, not great. The appointments to look at satellite dishes? Sucked. Worked there for a week and didn't set ONE appointment. THat's the only job where I walked out in the middle of a shift, saying, "Keep the money, I'm out of here!"

[Dan]

My worst job was District Manager in the circulation department of a daily newspaper. Don't be fooled by the "Manager" part. The people I managed were 12 or 13 years old and had paper routes. Guess who delivered the papers if the kid got sick and didn't have a substitute, or quit without notice (this happened all the time), or a route had no carrier at all. There were times when I was delivering hundreds of papers a day in addition to actually doing my job. I still dream about that.

[WindyLou]

I think I am the biggest asshat on the planet because I actually enjoyed my telemarketing job. I sold tickets for the Shrine Circus and my manager was shocked that I actually did the work. He always looked at me with this combination of awe and disgust when I would ask for another phone list.

[Emma]

My best job was when I pumped gas. I was 16 years old and the guy who owned the gas station was a friend of my grandpas. My office job now can't hold a candle to the glory days of pumping gas.

The best day of pumping gas was when I filled up this giant Crown Victoria full of people. Moms, dads, kids, granparents, uncles, dogs. I've never seen so many people jammed into one car. While I filled up, the driver got out and opened up the truck. Three more people climbed out. I kid you not.

[Anita]

Awwww. Reading about the excel file makes me want to stalk you down and give you a hug. But I won't. I promise.

IF it makes you feel any better, the first interviewer mucked up by not giving you the job. (ALthough the stuffed person at your knees could have been a bad omen) A real smart pants professor has theorized that you should hire people who fit into your organization's culture and that you can teach them the skills they need later. It's the culture that's the most important to mesh on (hence why southwest air does so well)

Although after this more productive than cats work, you can use those excel skills to your advantage elsewhere, no!?

[landismom]

My worst!job!evah! was waitressing at a chain restaurant when I was in college. It's also the only place where I got to use the immortal line, "you can't fire me, because I quit!"

Because you know what? when someone (me) comes in to tell you (the boss) that you can't work tomorrow because MY DAD IS IN JAIL, you shouldn't tell them to smile more.

[mgood]

Anything in a pinch.

One summer I worked as a maid in a cheesy motel. Not quite rooms by the hour, but at thirty bucks a night, they may as well have been.

With my first paycheck I bought a pair of extra long barbecue tongs and elbow length rubber gloves. And a hat. Because I thought I was doing a good enough job cleaning, you know, picking cigarette butts out of the shower and windexing the vinyl easy chairs. Until the boss told me to look up. No, I didn't quit when I realized I had to pluck dickwads off the ceilings. I quit when I found the discharge papers from the macadamia ranch for the guy who was staying in one of the rooms and was always pressing against the screen door in the really short bathrobe. One shouldn't have to clean up after sex offenders.

[Zach]

It was a 'nightshirt' not a really short bathrobe, thank you very much!

[e$]

i was a teenage telemarketer, too!

[MonoCerdo]

While we're all sharing our worst job experiences, I once worked at a "Family Fun Center" named Goodtimes, which is a gross malapropism as there were no good times to be had there. Ever.

I had to dress up as the Goodtimes mascot, Brownie the Bear, and walk around the park to spread fear and loathing to all of the young visitors. The costumes are cumbersome, and it's difficult to see out of the eyeholes on the oversized heads (which weigh no less than 75 lbs). One day, I walked directly into a pole, successfully decapitating my character with a loud THUD. I can still hear the screams of one poor child, who cried in horror to his mother, "BROWNIE'S HEAD IS BROKEN!"

[Chantal]

My worst job(s) ever was at "Mr Spook's Haunted Hayrides". Like "Goodtimes" it sounds fun, but one year I was a pumpkin (it was about 1000 degrees in the costume and forget about peeing) and the next year a Wagon Master. I got puked on by frightened kids, drunken teenagers and office workers.

The fact that I was also a telemarketer and don't consider that my worst job ever is a testament to how awful Mr Spook's was.

[Sarah]

My best jobs were also the lowest paying...I worked at Disneyland as a train conductor - fun fun fun! I also worked at a winery hosting their parties. FUN FUN FUN! I now sit at a computer all day. Not fun. And our department is getting laid off soon. Not fun. But I'm getting one of Logan's notepads. FUN!
Melissa, you sound just like me...the interview, the Excel thing, everything!

[Texas T-bone]

This "Excel" you speak of baffles me. What is a spread shit? Oh, it's a spread sheet. Still, I've got no clue.

You are an excellent writer, you don't need me to tell you that. However, rather than write a book (they're so 1600), maybe there's a way to make money with your blog or some other form of writing.

[GG]

I spent a day selling employment directories to desperate unemployed people. I sold only one. When I asked the guy if he'd like to order (they were 125 freakin' dollars!) he said, "Well, I guess I have to. I really need a job!" I should have said, "Take this one!" I still carry the guilt of screwing somebody over with me to this day.

[Tamara]

I love your stories!

Here is my worst job - I worked as a waitress at Friendly's one summer in college (this was my part time job that went with my full time job and my other occasional weekend job). While taking an order one evening, a guy asked for a hamburger, medium. I told him (quite matter-of-factly)that they only come in one size.

While I've been very sucessful at other jobs, I was obviously not meant to be a waitress.

[Lori]

My cat loves rubber bands too....in fact, he loves all kinds of rubber...rubber hoses, rubber tub stoppers, the rubber end off the door stops in my house. The husband just changed them all (again) and last night I heard a weird booooiiinnnggggg sound...it was Francis trying to eat the new rubber thingy off the new door stop...my hair rubber bands...even the real long ones that are like headbands...he ate an entire one of those WHOLE.....Of course he threw it up and of course the husband left it in a plastic bag for me to see with an attatched note.....something about me leaving my rubberbands around for him to eat and it could get tangled in his intestines and the throw up left a stain on the carpet and I need to clean it....blah blah blah. ;) I think my cat can open drawers. He finds rubber things everywhere!

My worst job was also a telemarketing job....I was selling (or trying to sell) the Washington Times. I got hung up on so many times, yelled at that I was selling the Moonies paper, that I was a communist and who remembers what else. I quit after 2 days.

LORI

[djuna]

"I'm still crying/laughing hysterically over Monocerdo's "Brownie's head is Broken!"
I once worked in a diner down the street from a strip club for about a month. Needless to say, I often wondered where my tips had been earlier that day. The owner would moniter us on camera and come up from the basement (I am not making this up) to yell at us for not using trays. Never mind the fact that there was absolutely no soap in the kitchen and the cooks would smoke on the line. My first job was cleaning rooms in a nursing home at age 14. Christ, only in New Jersey can a teen find such a wide array of unsavory after school jobs.

[Catherine]

Hey there! I just bought a large mug from your Cafe Press stuff. How about adding a line of t-shirts that say "I beat anorexia!" for all of us mom's who still haven't lost the "pregnancy" weight? People would think we had really recovered rather than just become FAT!

Oh well, congrats on the job! Hope the rubber band thing works itself out.

[Sarcomical]

ha! that sounds like something i would have done in high school...or even college for that matter. it's taken me a long time to get to where i don't say random stupid and ridiculous things when i get flustered that make no sense whatsoever for the current situation.

whew. thank god that's over. i think.