Hooray! Logan's going on another fabulous trip!

About a week ago Logan came home, after I'd spent 4.5 hours shoveling the mountains of snow surrounding our house, and said, "Great news! I'm going to Los Angeles!"

I stared at him for a moment.

WOW! THAT'S GREAT NEWS! A week alone with the kids! Without regular adult interaction! While you're off having fun in the sun with printer's reps who want repeat business and are invested in making sure you have fun! That's so great! For you.

Wait, why is that great? I'm happy for him and all the lovely meals he'll eat and the things he'll do. Like when he went to New York for 5 days and ended up eating wonderful meals and sitting front row at The Producers. Or when he went to Utah for 10 days and had a private hot tub on his mountain side terrace and he ate sushi every night and went to the mountains with beautiful models and beautiful scenery. God I was so happy for him!

But uh, could he maybe pretend it's not great news.

The best part though is when he says, "Oh no, it's going to be horrible. I'm going to be stuck at the hotel waiting to hear my stuff is ready for the press check and we're printing so many catalogs and all I'll be able to do is watch scrambled porn all day."

To that I say, "Or you can just SIT AT THE POOL and have drinks brought over by the cabana boy and then you can eat sushi and they can call you for the press check and then you can go back to the pool and most importantly, YOU'LL BE ALONE for most of the time because I crave alone. I crave alone like you would not believe.

It's unfortunate I don't know the difference between Pantone and Pantene because I'd be in my element in a lonely hotel room watching scrambled porn and waiting for the call to check the presses.

I think though they'd be pissed if I said the catalogs didn't look shiny enough and maybe they forgot the Pro V vitamin formula?

Comments

[Maia]

Ouch! Any possibility you have a saintly friend who will take your kids for a week? Any chance the neighbors would notice if you left them home alone? (With plenty of lunchables of course.. ;)

[Phil]

Doesn't his trip also earn you some post-trip bennies? I'm sure you can think of a few. And even if you can't, Logan will think up some for you, because he's that kind of guy. (No, not *that* kind of guy -- yeesh!)

[buffi]

I feel your pain, Melissa. Hubs is an AF pilot & I love hearing about how he "has" to go to Vegas for a week. Cry me a river, buddy. Anyway, one of the top 3 rules for fighter pilot TDYs (trips away) is "Never whistle while you pack!"

[blackbird]

I feel your pain.
And once, K's cellphone autodialed me - home with sick kids, while he was at a spectacular restaurant in Vancouver. I got to hear the meal, and the wine...

[Heatheranne]

You sound as excited as I was the two times my hubby "had" to go to Vegas. I was so excited I actually hung up on him one night because I was stuck babysitting for his sister who was in Vegas with him and he had the nerve to call me after everyone had had a few drinks and was eating at a nice restaurant and he passed the phone around the table so everyone could tell me what a great time they were having and how much fun my husband is. He said he was trying to make me feel "included". Hmmmm. Maybe I would have felt a little more "included" if I WAS THERE!

It's OK though. I get to get back at him in May. I'm going to San Francisco for a week for work and you better believe that he'll receive many drunk calls from me.

[Susie Sunshine]

Oh, I hear ya!
My husband just got back from Houston.
Now, I really don't have a burning desire to go to Texas, but I'm a fellow Michigan resident. I'd take a camel ride to hell to escape the cold and snow for a few days.

Road trip. Pack up and come be bored in my section of the state. (Mommy Happy Hour begins nightly at 8 p.m.)

[Kelly]

I seriously feel your pain! My husband is out of town as I type this....it must be so damn hard having to be in a hotel room with peace and quiteness and boredom! I love it when my dh goes to a ton of fine eating establishments and gets to sleep in a king size bed, all by himself. Life is so unfair....

[andrea]

In a few weeks my dh is taking a long weekend at a golf resort in some sunny part of the US. I don't mind too much. Do unto others, right? So I told him that I expect HUGE payback. With interest.

Mark my words. I'm going to Vegas. Not now. But soon.

[stillheidi]

Damn girl...I'm sorry...It sucks to be left behind! Get a babysitter one night and go out, out, out....have a girls night out and get dressed up...It'll make you feel better!

[Pants]

I won't be watching scrambled porn, I'll be running...

[jilbur]

I like my scrambled porn done with cream, moist, with plenty of freshly-ground black pepper, and thick slices of lightly-buttered wholegrain toast, and excellent, strong coffee, and a potato galette.

[landismom]

Hooray! my momtini t-shirt came yesterday. Hope it helps enable you to escape to a spa-day or some other such luxury, because you'll need it after a week of constant mom-dom. Landisdad never complains when I have to travel for work, but I always do when he does. (and yet neither of us get to have trips as interesting as Logan's) Why, lord, why can't I have the beautiful models?

[meredith]

I say we stage some sort of revolt. Spouse always gets to travel for work: Seattle, London, DC, you name it. The only exciting places I get to go include the two children who are always with me. Not exactly party time. I love how they moan and groan about it before they go too. "Oh, this is going to suck. I'm going to be so bored!." Please. I'd KILL to be that bored.

[Sara]

I feel your pain.

My husband leaves today for 5 days in some off-season resort. Admittedly, its in Wisconsin. But its a RESORT. With a pool, and food, and alcohol, and lots of other adults.

Then he comes home and next month goes for a week someplace else - and THEN he comes back for a week and get to go to BRAZIL for 10 days. "Oh," he says. "It's going to be all work and the town isn't a big tourist destination." Wo gives a crap? It's Brazil!

I love how they expect us to either be excited *for* them as they get a week of expense-accounted restaurant meals, fresh sheets every night, heated pools and outings to interesting places -- or they expect us to be sympathetic about "having to spend a WHOLE DAY in AIRPORTS to get to California." Boo hoo hoo.

When he gets back, take a weekend off and let him solo with the kids. That's my plan, anyway!

[Sarcastic Journalist]

I get jealous that my husband gets "good food" every day at work. I can't imagine how it would feel.

I'd come and visit and we'd drink ourselves into a stupor!

[elisabeth]

ah yes, myDH had to go to Europe this fall and he was lamenting the stress, and how he doesn't like travelling alone. And I was stuck home with the kids & no working stove (guess we have to eat out every night!) men.

[JuJuBee]

I hate that my husband gets to eat luch out everyday with other adults, even if it's Wendys. Forget that he gets to travel every week or so with a bus load of hottie college boys for games, sleep in the best hotels, eat the best food, etc. Poor baby. Of course they say how AWFUL and BORING those trips are. Uh huh. ok.

[Becky]

Add me to the list of often-stuck-at-home-and-barely-sane-as-a-resul-of-it mommies. My husband's sales territory includes Las Vegas and Palm Springs, so he regularly complains about his travels there. Waah, waah.

Fortunately, he has a very nice boss who often takes both of us out for a nice dinner when he's in town. I guess I wasn't so nice that night they called from a swanky Vegas restaurant to pass the phone around and tell me how fabulous their meal was.

I've said it once and I'll say it again.... in my next life, I want to be the husband.

[Robert]

When I was on a book tour, I had to call Herself on our anniversary from the private dining room of the Ritz Carlton in Cleveland. Yeah, it went over well.

[mango]

At a period in my life when I was often alone with three little kids (and I was poor) I would sometimes:
* Splurge for a babysitter and treat myself to an evening out with ADULTS.
* Get take out pizza and organize a pizza-video night with the kids.
* Change the clocks and make them think it was an hour later than it was. (That way you can start Happy Hour an hour early!)

[GG]

My hub only goes to stupid places like North Dakota (no offense anyone) but it counts 'cause he LIKES it and wants to go there! I went to New York City when my son was 4 and now, at age 12(!) he still gives me grief for abandoning him! I went again last year and "The Producers"? Actually kinda sucked. So, cut Logan some slack on that one...

[karyn]

Urgh. My husband has been away four times since September. He is leaving on Monday for another 4 days away for work, but I trumped him this time. The day after he gets back I'm going on a girls only weekend that I have to take a plane to get to! It's my first solo vacay since 2000, so I figure it's about time. Although I'm not sure how to break it to my still nursing 14 month old. Oh yeah, Daddy will have fun with that little guy! (heehee)

[WindyLou]

At least you have your "phone"

[Robin Alexa]

That sucks. Maybe when he comes back you should go to the spa. For a week. And he can watch the kids.

[Marnie]

I'm definitely outnumbered since we both travel for work. But I will say that there are days, after he's been gone and I've been stuck inside with no adult interaction for a week , that I PLEAD with him to let me go grocery shopping by myself. The sad part is, I'm terribly excited when he says yes.

So, in complete fairness and reciprocity, I think Logan should agree to let you go to the grocery store all by yourself when he gets home from his little sunny boondoggle. Maybe, if he's feeling generous, he'll let you go get the oil changed all by yourself, too.

[CursingMama]

Ooh - thats a tough one to take, work trips sure are a lot like mini-vacations. Hopefully you'll be able to get your own alone time soon.

[Bonnie]

As an Army wife, I completely relate to your situation. When our kids were little, it drove me crazy that my husband got to go to places like Australia while I was stuck at home with the kids. Then when he got home, I would want to go out to restaurants, and all he would want to do is eat in. Even when he went someplace boring, the fact remained that he had had precious evenings alone in a hotel room--time that I would have killed for.

The worm has truly turned in our case. My husband is sitting in Iraq for 14 months, and I just got back last night from taking the kids to Rome. And on Saturday we're going to Denmark to visit friends. He's gone, but I no longer envy him for it.

Granted, I've still got the kids, but believe it or not they actually reach a point where they make wonderful company. That dawned on me just the other day--I had more fun in Rome with the kids than I would have had alone. When they're little though, the best you can do is lay in a good stash of booze and chocolate.

[mox]

Add me to the "I feel your pain" collective. I just got a phone call this afternoon from my husband, who was ensconced in what sounded like the bridal suite of some hotsy-totsy hotel in Rockford IL. A king sized sleigh bed! A working fireplace! Yeah, buddy, spare me the phone tour. I got a four year old with chocolate smeared all over the place, just waiting to get into the tub.

I'll tell you this -- if the shoe were on the other foot, I'd call my mother and share the particulars. Because she would surely appreciate it.

[trudie]

shall we all book tickets to michigan for the parTAY??? i'm sure we can get enough people for two shifts--one watching all the kiddos and one on happy hour. i'm also in desperate need of a some personal leave time, that's for sure. let's just tell our husbands we're being sent off for 'training' (insert finger quotes...) and leave the kids with them and take the hell off...

[JT]

In the few years I enjoyed having my "real" job, I did quite a bit of business travel. I never, once, ever, complained. Short notice? Bah. No problem. Screw up my flight? Oh, please. Challenge me. Bad rental car? Really, it happens all the time.

I miss business travel terribly even though being away from (at the time just the one) my baby was hard. I had Peace! And Quiet! Room Service! No car seats! I was responsible only for my own person. And that, my dear, is luxury.

Perhaps when Logan returns, he can send you somewhere for a weekend of peace & quiet and sushi.... even if it's just to a friend's house.

[emily]

Offer to pack for him.
Leave the underwear out.
Sit at home,sipping martini's,laughing evilly and envisioning him all dressed up...underwearless.
Unless of course he likes going commando,then this wouldn't work.lol

[J]

I can't tell you how I stumbled upon your site- link after link, etc..

This post made me giggle-
I do feel for you, with your husband taking off on "buisness" and you're left with the kids. Anyway, brilliant writer and I enjoyed reading your thoughts.

[trudie]

i just thought of another way to use up more mayo--you can pack his toiletry bag and put mayo in those travel shampoo & conditioner bottles. (i'm assuming since he's a robot, he uses conditioner...) at least he'll come back with nice, shiny hair... ;)

[P]

Hi, I love your site...you are way super funny.

I know how you feel with your husband's "fabulous" trips..I'm stuck here in cold Southern Ontario...and he keeps taking off to B.C. for work..where he gets to stay in amazing suites..and go to resteraunts that they don't have here any more. Like the Olive Garden. I miss the Olive Garden.

[LargeMarge]

I got my large mug today, and I love it!!!

Catherine

[tabarata]

yeah, but now that Pantene is getting into the whole hair color shampoo thing, it won't be long before Pantene and Pantone are synonymous.

[christy]

T-shirt update!

I got the green momtini shirt today and it looks great. The binky shows up just fine on the mint color. One word of warning - when they say jr. ringer they mean it. A large is form fitting on me. But I love it anyway. :)

[Lil' Sis]

Is he gone this week? You can come out with me tomorrow- I have a show in Detroit, but I will let you sit on the side of the stage with me so you won't be scared.
(teasing, but let me know if you want to go out saturday & we'll make bonnie stay with the twerps.)

miao.

[psquared]

Damn....Logan's out of town and I missed dropping by on a 'T' day.

I mean come on...when the cat's away....

hope you're well and keeping as sane as possible.

Peter

[Rebecca]

Story of my life, Melissa. I feel like you were writing this just for me.

[Zach]

Well, I am out of town, in nice hotels, approx. 2 nights per week, and does it help if I tell you that it gets old?
No, probably not. All I get is per diem, not a fancy 'expense account.' That could make a huge difference.

[Mieke]

My husband just got back from two weeks of grueling work and I still resented him. Room service, maid service, nights filled with uninterrupted sleep. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.