I'm giving up my T day for you people.

I think what happens is that I set myself up for something really good and when you tell yourself you're going to write something really funny, all the funny juice dries up and you're left laying diagonally across the bed playing text twist, snoring and drooling and NO ONE CAN STOP YOU! You're all alone!

So let's just ease the pressure okay. I'm not funny. Let it go.

A week or so ago I helped pop popcorn at Madison's school for the big Popcorn Sale. I did it to help out at the school because I'm trying to help where I can. I also did it because being able to operate a popcorn machine can only add to my skill set and make me that much more employable.

Unfortunately after seeing what goes into the popcorn, I can never eat popcorn again. The butter is not regular butter, it's the kind of butter that may as well be shaped like a bullet and plugged right into your arteries. Oh well, if it makes money for the kids and makes them obese...I guess that's swell!

But the part where I made popcorn (and awkward conversation with the other moms) isn't the amusing part of this story. It's also not the part where I operated the popcorn machine and flailed about screaming because I was convinced I'd burn my hands off. The part where the popcorn kernals weren't quite popped all the way when I opened the tub thing to dump them out and they came flying at my face like tiny bullets threatening to blind me and I screamed out and made the school secretary come running isn't the funny part either.

Now there's the pressure again. The rest of this story had better be pretty funny or I'm going to end up drooling and snoring in bed again.

I've been avoiding the PTA because I wore out my ability to tolerate large groups of parents with the MOMS Club Follies. Plus there was that day during Lice Fest where the PTA President "helpfully" suggested I use a chemical shampoo on my daughter's lice infested head.

DEAD TO ME.

On the day I was there popping popcorn and threatening to maim myself, there was a PTA ruckus right before my very eyes.

The PTA president was in the room working on something at the table whilst ducking to avoid being blinded with the projectile popcorn kernels. She was discussing something in a heated way with another PTA person.

She left the room and came back 5 minutes later sobbing hysterically.

"I GIVE MY HEART AND SOUL TO THIS SCHOOL!" she said, as she collected her things. "I will NOT BE TREATED LIKE THIS!"

And I thought to myself....maybe someone treated her like an ignorant moron and it hurt her feelings. The shoe is on the other foot now isn't it Ms Harper Valley?

I couldn't say any of that because she dramatically made an exit. Leaving everyone stunned (and some of us....me....amused).

A few moments later the evil woman who caused the PTA President to run crying from the building came in the volunteer room and tried to speak to the PTA Secretary. Who informed her she "Didn't want to hear it."

And the perpetrator said, "I don't even know what I said to anger her so much."

The secretary said, "I know you don't like her, so just avoid her. Why can't you just avoid her."

(Here I thought....Me me me! Just like me! I avoid her!)

The perpetrator said, "I do try to avoid her and that's why I asked her if this was the last year I'd have to deal with her. I just said, 'We'll be rid of you next year, won't we?' "

With that the secretary rolled her eyes and said, "I can't even talk to you."

At that point I shoved a stick of that nasty butter in my mouth to keep from shrieking with joy! She didn't know what angered her? I love when people say mean things, then shrug and say 'What? What did I say?' when the other person responds.

On the other hand, I'm kind of glad she'll be gone too because I'm a bitter little woman and that day when she found two nits on Maddie's head and suggested I use a chemical on her head. After I'd ALREADY used a chemical on her head. AND soaked her head in mayonnaise for 3 hours. AND picked through every inch of her God Damn scalp 400 times.

Also it made me feel much more comfortable with my decision to focus my volunteer efforts on Madison's classroom and not the PTA. Plus, I think the teacher really watches out for me and Sarah* because neither one of us has any friends.

*Not her name!

Comments

[jilbur]

ahahahahhhhhhaaaaaaahahhahaaaa
this is you not being funny? Well I guess you can't take the credit--when someone just hands you something like actually having the temerity to say 'Are we going to be rid of you next year' and then be all 'What? what?' oh my sweet lord. it isn't just me. They're all insane. I mean, I'm mentally ill, too, but at least I know it.

[Karen]

Even when you aren't trying to be funny you come out funny.

My neighbor found lice on her daughters head the other day. I emailed her the link to Licefest 2004.

She didn't find that funny.

[Robert]

That's the thing with volunteer organizations... there's nothing really at stake except the volunteers' egos, so everything gets magnified. Makes for great drama if you can force yourself to stick a wedge of non-butter in your mouth to keep from laughing.

[emma]

Thanks for posting. You always make my day, and my day has sucked (and it's only noon!) so I'm REALLY glad you had a new post I could read to avoid my pain. Cause it's all about me.

[RockStar Mommy]

I had a similar experience at my step-daughter's field day. Not with the popcorn, I wish that had been the case. But, I did get to witness a few members of the PTA go at eachother's throats, which proved to be the best entertainment I had in months.

[Ninotchka]

Freakin' hilarious!

[MonoCerdo]

Perhaps you should suggest to Mrs. Harper Valley* that next time she try giving a little less of her "HEART AND SOUL" to EL DIABLO before meting out the scant remainder to the good people of the PTA. She would probably take that as helpful, well-meaning advice.

*Not her real name

[angela marie]

Isn't it horrible that we love to see someone we can't stand go down in flames? We're bad people. Bad.

But, God it's fun.

Someone want to carpool to Hell with me?

[Texas T-bone]

The choice seems easy to me. I'd much rather interact with the kids in a classroom than deal with their parents in the pettiness of the psuedo-political arena. Power corrupts, and apparently it doesn't take long for small minds to become accustomed to their power.

We've had some similar drama at church, but usually the offending parties just go somewhere else. God's way of cleaning house. Maybe it's time to take prayer back to school!

[CursingMama]

Geez, I thought the whole thing was really funny. Even the parts where you said "that isn't the funny part" so, either you're modest or I don't know funny.
I avoid the PTA like the plague, have never been to a meeting and am hoping I can keep that track record running. If, however we had this kind of drama going on in our PTA you can bet I'd be there for every meeting with a bucket of popcorn for a snack.

[Sam]

Oh gosh that is funny stuff! I could swear that you're from my town, we have the same PTA president. Only it's so big of a job we now have to have 2 presidents! The school has something like 98% PTA enrollment, I'm in the 2%, I can't do it. It's the bitchy girls from high school all growed up. Ahhhh.

[karyn]

I dread the day I have to deal with PTA-type things. I love volunteering (not organizing, though. Just tell me when to pop the popcorn, and I'll be there.) but I can already see the cliques forming in my daughter's preschool. Why are these Moms so overinvolved in PRESCHOOL? Why are they selling sweaters with the preschool's name on it in ADULT sizes? Is the path down this trail of overinvolvment and cat fights inevitable?

Shudder.

[Karen]

I'm with you on volunteering. I prefer to do it where my kids can see me and can directly benefit from my actions, e.g. "Thanks for checking out MY book at the library today, Mom!" I think I'm too shallow to do something big and wonderful that benefits the whole school but makes me go to so many meetings that my kids suffer from my absence.
P.S. Re lice: http://lunaparc.com/lice.htm

[Peggasus]

Too funny! (and true!)

PTA Moms are the same everywhere: Big fish in little ponds. I did alot of stuff at the schools (for the kids, you know) when they were younger, but only on the condition that I never EVER had to attend a board (or is it BORED) meeting. Just tell me what to do and I'll do it, but only if I don't have to pretend to be friendly with those people.

[Cricket]

Your unfunny is so funny. I tried to do the PTA thing last year when my son was in K - so quite early for a parent to volunteer for anything; raised throusands of dollars and had the most hours of any volunteer in the school. But they nit picked - I wrote too long of articles for the school newsletter (that the editor strangely didn't edit down!?!), I used too much paper for flyers (yes, flyers the principal told me to do), on and on. When my 'fundraising boss' from last year decided to become the Pres for this year, I declared my PTA time over. I volunteer in the classroom and in a reading program. Now I've learned the Pres plans to do it again next year. It is sad with a worthy organization being so desperate for leadership that completely domineering, micromanaging, petty schmucks usurp the power. I volunteer at school mostly to know my kid's classmates and teachers. That'll be the extent of it for a good while. I applaude you going as far as manning the popcorn machine and being in the presence of other PTA-ish adults. You're a better woman than I. But you have inspired myself a post; I'd felt it coming, but you have fueled it. Thanks.

[Rebecca]

To think of all the fun I could be missing by not being a classroom mother. I avoid the school and the PTA far too much. I might be missing some really good stuff.

Oh, I have to run by Hannah's school today to pick up cookie dough from the annual fundraiser. My fingers are crossed in hopes of seeing a cat fight. Or better, PTA jello wrestling in the cafeteria.

[Moxie]

Dude, I am *so* joining the PTA next year. I can't wait to see the fights.

[Susie Sunshine]

I staged a mommitary coup to oust the bitchy president of our PTO last year and I became co-dictator (I mean, co-president) of the group.
I like helping set up the programs and getting to know different parents, but PMS is more enjoyable than monthly PTO meetings.

I can't wait for this year to be done.

[Phil]

The thing about the PTA is that you can embezzle more than $37,000 if you do things right. See here: http://heraldsun.com/durham/4-587770.html

And to think, my own momma used to work there.

[Dan]

Good decision! Volunteering in the classroom is a cakewalk compared to helping out at PTA-sponsored activities like . . . well, cakewalks. Plus the teachers appreciate it, and it's good to get to know some of the kids your kids might be in school with for the next 10 years.

["Anne"]

Would it make you feel better to read PTAtrocity? Then you'll know you're not alone. I'm not a great linker - go to tinykingdom.typepad.com and look for the post called PTAtrocity. Just wait - I'll get to lice when I discuss baseball.

Also note - I learned how to link in Merry Xmas - Let Me Bum You Out! Surely someone has trotted over to see your Xmas card attempts?

Maybe some day i'll be cool and be able to add pix.

[reenie]

spring is just around the corner!
love your new banner thingie.
you crack my shit up with that butter in the mouth comment. hee!

[Feebs]

OMG you make me laugh. Regularly. And I do NOTHING regularly.

I have started reading you posts daily and you never let me down! Thanks!

[blackbird]

The PTA? Third ring of HELL.

[MollieBee]

Purty flowers...

[Maia]

I hear you. I stay FAR away from the PTA clique and instead volunteer in my kids classes. That way I can help but am far, far away from the petty politics of the PTA. Hey, love the new look!

[Maia]

One more thing for you and the readers out there that may have to deal with the LICE issue. Daughter has had it THREE times and twice we did the harsh chemical route. Then one of the 'lice checkers' mentioned to us that putting dandruff shampoo or a 50/50 mix of mineral oil and vinegar topped off with a bag over the head for half hour or so is less toxic, not to mention cheaper. Worked like a charm (dandruff shampoo).

[Psycho Kitty]

Hey, when you move out of your fancypants house to save all that money you waste living high on the hog over there--will you please move in next door to me? Please? I keep vodka...

[Sam]

If you cool ladies would take over the PTA, all those bitches would stay home and scrapbook! Unite, take over, control, and have meetings with wine. Remember, the kids LOVE the popcorn,...and the cakewalks...and when you read with them...it is WORTH IT.

Have fun at school and do what you can...

P.S. Me and two other moms once popped 700 bags of popcorn in one morning. I still have the scars on my hands and oh by the way, don't forget to wear protective goggles for the flying hot oil spats! Now I know why people who work at Chili's can't eat fajitas for the rest of their lives...

[JudyU]

I had my own little drama yesterday with the one of the PTA (Wanda) moms at school. She was on the her cell phone discussing (quite loudly) her tragic cuticles and not being able to find a decent manicurist and blah blah blah...while her son, Brady was calling another little girl a fatty fatty bo batty. He is a mean little shit so I always enjoy telling him to zip it...Which I did quite loudly. Wanda actually got off her phone and asked why I was telling her son to "zip it". I told her he was calling someone names. She said she didn't hear it. I told her she wouldn't have because she was too busy on her cell phone lamenting her pitiful cuticles and not watching the kids on the playground like she volunteered to do. The teacher (MR A) came over to see what the problem was and Wanda said I yelled at her son for no good reason. I stated my reasons and the told her to cool it because the kids were watching. He agreed with me and told her to calm down. She went ballistic. I wrangled the kids back into the classroom and let him deal with the witch. He came in a few minutes later rolling his eyes and asking what I said. I told him exactly what I said and he laughed. He asked me if that was the reason I won't do the PTA anymore. I laughed and said there were too many trainwreck moms in that group. It would be difficult for me to hold my tongue for that long. He laughed again then said its easier to deal with first graders than it is with some of the parents. OH YEAH I hear Ya MR A.

[JT]

OMG, the evil popcorn machine. True story: When I was 24 and single, I worked in a couple of bars in the Rush & Division area (Chicago), cocktail waitressing. Needless to say, my uniform was usually a miniskirt, tank top, push-up bra and sneaks. So one day I'm at the evil 'corn machine, and reach in to fill the baskets... when an unpopped kernel of corn drenched in boiling oil flew out at me and... down the bodice of my top, straight into my bra.

I worked that shift with a continually-changing bar towel soaked in ice water stuffed into my bra, and had to go to Walgreens when I got off at 5 am to ask the pharmacist what to put on that oily burn on my right boob.

Not my best night. But it would have been much improved if I could have witnessed PTA Wrestlemania 2005.

[landismom]

My favorite PTA moment? When I asked why our elementary school's math test scores were so low, and three of the (white) parents rushed to assure me that it was because of the prevalence of ESL students in our area. Racism much?

So that's why I'm taking over the PTA. My goal at the end of my term? that I am succeeded by a parent of color. Shhh, it's my hidden agenda.

[Kristin S]

It's a good thing I had finished my coffe prior to reading that last bit. My daughter goes to an early childhood school that is run by the district, so we have PTA. Man, you sign up for one commitee and they won't leave you alone. I get at least 3-4 calls a week for help with something, the lastest one was an ominous(sp?) "Would you mind calling me back, I would like to talk with you about something for next year". I am soooooo ducking and running from that message. I know for a fact it is nomination time.

[Julie W]

At least you had some popcorn for the show.

I almost want to send my kid to school just to see if there is a PTA floorshow included in the price of admission. BTW, I love reading your blog and seeing that some other moms will be spending time in Mommy Hell with me-----

[Tammy]

I see new fundraiser in the works "PTA Smackdown". I'd pay for that, who's with me?

LOL at today's post - I had something similar happen last week. Too much free time on all these people's hands...

[janet]

I once made the PTA president cry in the middle of a meeting. She got up and left, too.

One of my proudest moments.